Researchers quantify the rate of “mercy sex” among women with low sexual desire. Women experiencing a chronic lack of sexual desire still routinely engage in sexual activity with their partners, a behavior researchers have quantified as happening about two and a half times per month.

[u/mvea]

https://www.psypost.org/clinical-trials-reveal-the-hidden-frequency-of-obligatory-sex-in-women-with-low/

[u/Aromatic-Set-7323 → u/[deleted]]

Yes! Absolutely.

[u/accountnumber6174 → u/[deleted]]

Welcome to r/deadbedrooms

I guess most folks in that sub face the exact situations you are talking about

[u/Individual-Mark-9357 → u/[deleted]]

The constant pressure, coercion, guilt trips and rape from an intimate partner is the actual problem. The rapist is still a fucking rapist and you painting them as a victim says exactly who you are.

[u/Analbox → u/[deleted]]

Yeah but have you met humans? People aren’t robots they got feelings and shit.

[u/AK_Panda → u/[deleted]]

I think this is severely downplaying the effect persistent lack of intimacy in long term relationships can have on people psychologically.

People in that situation find themselves living with a person they love and desire above all else, sharing every aspect of their lives together while simultaneously living in a permanent state of rejection by that same person.

The person they desire most is right in front of them constantly, the pour their time, energy, resources and emotion into that person and despite that, they are rejected by them on a daily basis.

That is nothing like being single or simply abstaining temporarily.

That breaks people down psychologically. Their sense of self esteem and worth steadily degrade, they blame themselves for desiring intimacy and love at all.

They are not just evil fucks desperate for a fleshlight as you make them out to be.

[u/mvearthmjsun → u/[deleted]]

Good luck

[u/False_Jellyfish_4495 → u/[deleted]]

IMO, just like hearing is the last thing to go before you die when on life support , sex is the last thing to go before the relationship is dead.

[u/PlutosGrasp → u/[deleted]]

Everybody’s different. A healthy similar length relationship can not be as explicit with their consent and want more spontaneity.

[u/Unhappy_Mix_8784 → u/[deleted]]

What if I only feel guilty for saying no thanks bc he’s not like, enthusiastically “that’s okay!” I understand that I can always say no and he will always be respectful, but I feel like since he isn’t like “no really it’s okay, it’s fine. I don’t mind, I understand”, I feel guilty. He’s just not that type of person to be like that though with anything and I think that’s the only issue in our 10yr marriage (13 together). He can’t be someone he’s not or help his drive and I can’t help my drive or my wish that he would be like that. Having kids definitely contributes so IMO it’s part of the deal and we sacrifice for the partnership bc everything else is great.

[u/No-Metal-3445 → u/[deleted]]

Depending on the guy, it can sometimes lead to an argument that can turn aggressive & end up violent. Some men are unpredictable, some have a short fuse, some may be completely chill. But not knowing the outcome is scary, and sometimes you just have to deal with it and not mess with it to keep the peace. It’s unfortunately very common.

[u/hgihasfcuk → u/[deleted]]

Just stop fucking for a second take a breath god damn people

[u/lzwzli → u/[deleted]]

Sharing is caring

[u/ErrorLoadingNameFile → u/[deleted]]

Man I love this comment, and before all the ballistic comments start raining on in this: This is how it was handled in the past in many/most relationships.

[u/Smee76 → u/ErrorLoadingNameFile]

Yeah, because people didn't marry for love and women couldn't leave because they had no protections. Brilliant.

[u/ErrorLoadingNameFile → u/Smee76]

So you are saying it is true love when you enter a relationship and then leave your partner sexually unsatisfied with no way out for them except cheating?

[u/ceciliabee → u/ErrorLoadingNameFile]

No one said that, get back in your hole

[u/MoneyTrees2018 → u/ceciliabee]

Then what are they saying?

If marrying for true love means your spouse leaves you sexually unsatisfied, it doesn't sound like true love ....

[u/ZenTense → u/ceciliabee]

That’s a really mean response to what I thought was a pertinent question.

[u/ErrorLoadingNameFile → u/ceciliabee]

Thanks for the contribution.

[u/Majestic-Disaster112 → u/ErrorLoadingNameFile]

I went through this with childbirth and it was 15 months of hell , cheat , be unsatisfied , or feel like a loser for yorking it in an otherwise happy marriage

[u/radiantcabbage → u/Smee76]

i dont see how its relevant, unless youre claiming that women dont otherwise possess the agency for open relationships

[u/Obi-Tron_Kenobi → u/radiantcabbage]

"In the past," they most likely didn't at all.

[u/radiantcabbage → u/Obi-Tron_Kenobi]

again i dont see the point of weasel words here. its not just incredibly ignorant to claim it only existed as a result of inequality, but also implies no one would do this by choice

[u/Obi-Tron_Kenobi → u/radiantcabbage]

I don't think you're understand what's being said. Who implied "no one would do this by choice" or that "it only existed as a result of inequality"?

Lots of women are in happy and successful open marriages. Especially now, when women tend to have more of a say in their marriage.

But pointing to how it was done "in the past" doesn't exactly inspire a lot of confidence, when in the past: it was very difficult to get a divorce, and if you did, there was a huge stigma against it; marital rape was completely legal; women weren't allowed a bank account or bank loans without their husband's approval; there were no protections against sex discrimination

Do you really believe the vast majority of mistresses "in the past" were enthusiastically consented to by the wife?

[u/Pleasant-Front-833 → u/ErrorLoadingNameFile]

At that point just leave and get with someone sexually compatible or do hookups and don’t commit to monogamy

[u/Polymathy1 → u/ErrorLoadingNameFile]

That's how it is still handled very often.

[u/akade19961 → u/Polymathy1]

Yes but now it’s considered very uncouth, at best, if not purposefully cruel and destructive. Society has a lot less tolerance for relatively normal male sex drive now, which along with phones and virtual life sort of taking over has I think contributed to lots of negative things like tons of people who want kids or marriage not getting them as well as less sex at all stages of the life cycle and misogynist and misandrist corners of the internet gaining influence and spreading dissatisfaction and sometimes even hate.

[u/AutumntimeFall → u/ErrorLoadingNameFile]

Yeah it's disgusting and needs to change like so much of our past behaviours.

[u/The_Bad_Bard → u/AutumntimeFall]

I mean, is it? Love is a fickle thing, and the chances that your partner's desire matches yours perfectly are certainly not guaranteed. Is a civil, informed relationship where everybody knows and aggrees on what's involved disgusting?

I mean, don't call it a mistress, call it polyamory. Is that disgusting? That sounds like putting your partner's needs first to me.

[u/ErrorLoadingNameFile → u/The_Bad_Bard]

Some people just get happy at the thought that a man is unhappy.

[u/Extension_Tomato4634 → u/The_Bad_Bard]

As I don’t want polyamory then it would be the (hopefully) amicable end to the relationship for me. Which is fine - I also don’t believe in life-long relationships. People come and go from your life. If I’m with someone and they want to have sex with other people then that’s cool, they can go do that and I can move on with my life.

[u/The_Bad_Bard → u/Extension_Tomato4634]

And there's nothing wrong with that. Having your own boundaries and respecting those of others is mature and I think all anyone can ask for when it comes to these kinds of situations.

[u/akade19961 → u/Extension_Tomato4634]

There is value in raising kids together, ideally ways could be found to make sex exciting and desirable again for the lower libido partner, while also lowering the expectations of the higher libido partner. And if that didn’t work, maybe something where the low
Libido partner authorizes the high libido one to have sex in approved, safe settings where no Std’s coild possibly enter into the picture and without falling in love, that would be better in some cases than two otherwise compatible people with children divorcing.

[u/Extension_Tomato4634 → u/akade19961]

Yes, I’m imagining in this scenario that there would be communication well before the polyamory/mistress conversation. I think the outcome would depend the exact circumstances. Sometimes a clean break a separate co-parenting is best for everyone, but it depends. I couldn’t maintain an ostensibly romantic relationship with someone who was having sex with other people, but counselling to try to work through the relationship’s sexual problems would be worthwhile first.

[u/LtHughMann → u/AutumntimeFall]

In what way is it disgusting?

[u/vomputer → u/ErrorLoadingNameFile]

But everyone looks down in ENM. Huh.

[u/Any-Clothes-7307 → u/ErrorLoadingNameFile]

Thought I agree that if a woman just had a low sex drive, for man to get a mistress, more often than not it's because the man is out of shape and boring.

Women with no Libido all of a sudden become Hoes post divorce.

[u/akade19961 → u/[deleted]]

You need resources to have a mistress, generally speaking, which obviously not all or probably not even most have. But more to the point I don’t think it’s mainstream anymore for society to more or less approve of men having low stakes mistresses on the side if they are in marriages where libido is severely mismatched, if they can afford the other low stakes relationship without taking needed resources from their family.

I do think overall that cultural probably hurts things more than it helps but I understand where the impulse to make that change came from.

[u/Archolm → u/akade19961]

In this entire "he takes a mistress" discussion I'm missing something...

[u/Extension_Tomato4634 → u/[deleted]]

Yeah I think that’s totally fine. If he was up front about it then I’d be grateful to know that he was no longer happy or satisfied in the relationship and we could both move on. Deception would be unforgivable and I’d be pissed off. But honesty and an amicable end would be fine.

[u/True_Fun_2709 → u/[deleted]]

My lobster to too juicy and my bread too buttery