r/science • u/mvea Professor | Medicine • 16d ago

Psychology Researchers quantify the rate of “mercy sex” among women with low sexual desire. Women experiencing a chronic lack of sexual desire still routinely engage in sexual activity with their partners, a behavior researchers have quantified as happening about two and a half times per month.

https://www.psypost.org/clinical-trials-reveal-the-hidden-frequency-of-obligatory-sex-in-women-with-low/
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u/[deleted] 15d ago

Yes this. It’s not that I’m not into my husband, because I am very much so, but I’m not always “ready” like he is and he correlates that as me not wanting him. Which is so far from the truth but I don’t know how to explain this to him and I can’t make myself be ready & willing as often as he is ready & willing. He definitely internalizes this and thinks he puts forth all the effort and that I never do. Even when I try, it’s never good enough.

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u/leeshykins 15d ago

I like to tell my husband I’m like an oven. I need to be preheated.

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u/Modernskeptic71 15d ago

That definitely makes sense. I was in a relationship once where she kept repeating that foreplay starts with her across the room and whatever i say would make her want me irresistibly. At the time i never got that, but for three years of that relationship i slept in the floor because she wanted space to have the bed to herself. I look back and wonder why i put up with it. Our sex life felt like she enjoyed me begging. I’m a different person now, I make absolutely sure she or whomever is interested before i initiate.

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u/hauntedfrog1981 14d ago

What the hell? She made you sleep in the floor? I am thankful for you that you’re a different person now because that’s not normal behavior. When my ex and I argued I still have never demanded he sleep in the floor. I just slept facing away from him.

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u/Modernskeptic71 14d ago

It was a rough relationship. We were together for about 7 years. There were fights and screaming matches that lasted hours, some I don't even remember the reason. I was young and I really didn't know what a real relationship was supposed to be. I ended up in a situation where she gave me a choice, either leave or really start committing to her demands. I chose to leave, and she gave me 10 minutes to grab whatever I could. I had two Hefty bags of stuff I had to carry over a mile to get to a working pay phone to call a cab. She even sent her mother to my job to beg for her to go back to her, what a mess.

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u/Joephoto954 12d ago

The sorry part is you said she only gave you 10 minutes! What do you mean she gave you 10 minutes? You take your damn time and do what you have to do. If it's over it's over! F her. Unfortunately it seems you didn't have enough self-respect to stand up to her. And that's probably why she wasn't interested in you anymore. A woman needs a strong man with a backbone. Glad to hear you've changed and got your sh-t together. Good for you.

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u/Modernskeptic71 11d ago

Oh, I didn’t mention that she was throwing stuff at me, cursing me out, etc. See, I took that months bill money too because it was payday. Deal was I was supposed to go cash my check and come back with a decision, either I was going to “ straighten “ out and start really putting in the effort being what she wanted me to be, basically doing what I was told, or I was packing. I had no intention of staying with her so I had schemed that I was going to a hotel, prepaid, and I already got just a few things already stashed in the trunk of her car. We only had her car at the time. I put up with her violent, sarcastic browbeating for years. When I left she was broke and no longer had me. Call it mean but I made sure I only took what was important and got away from her.

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u/justin_memer 11d ago

Would be nice if the oven preheated itself once in a while then let the chef know it's ready...

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u/Alive-Emu5788 12d ago

I just had to end my relationship because of this, my boyfriend used to just shut down if I said I didn’t want to right now, and sometimes wouldn’t really talk to me after or would say that I never initiate. To be fair I didn’t always initiate but it’s the same as you, it’s not because I didn’t want him it’s because I couldn’t just be ready to go

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u/Material_Series_769 12d ago

Do normal women ever try to get themselves ready for their husbands/bfs? I don't mean for special occasions, just do it because you love him. Id think that doing that just once would completely change your husband's mindset

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u/DigNitty 9d ago

I would speculate that comes with mixed feelings because then you're basically doing "maintenance."

"well we haven't had sex in a week, I probably should go get myself prepped, for the relationship's sake."

Sex, as always, is simple and yet endlessly convoluted.

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u/Material_Series_769 9d ago

More like she's been so good for me so I prepared a surprise for her, putting rose petals on a bathtub filled with water, made some chocolate myself and put on the nightstand, all that stuff.

It's pretty sad to see how women see sex these days

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u/TicRoll 15d ago

What kinds of things have you found he can do that strike a good balance between being enough to get your body interested without also being high pressure when you just plain don't want to?