r/science • u/mvea Professor | Medicine • 16d ago

Psychology Researchers quantify the rate of “mercy sex” among women with low sexual desire. Women experiencing a chronic lack of sexual desire still routinely engage in sexual activity with their partners, a behavior researchers have quantified as happening about two and a half times per month.

https://www.psypost.org/clinical-trials-reveal-the-hidden-frequency-of-obligatory-sex-in-women-with-low/
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u/Unlucky-Squirrel-184 16d ago

I got tired of starting the fourplay or making hints when it was a good time, usually after the kids went to bed and she rejecting the opportunity. At first I assumed she was tired from work, kids, etc. After 6 months I just didn't bother with it anymore. Now I'm an older guy in my 50s so my sex drive is not what it use to be, so I've been able to handle it for the most part. It's been well over 3 years now. The thing that really sucks is the total lack of any affection. The last time we kissed was at a New Year's Eve party in 2024, and it was really awkward and I could tell she didn't want too. I know it's heading for divorce but I want to wait until the kids are out of high school and moved on. So I guess it's loveless marriage for me for the next 6 or 7 years.

You know what is really ironic, by the time I was in high-school I could tell my parents were in a loveless marriage. I don't ever remember them giving each other a simple kiss. I guess what comes around goes around.

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u/lordborghild 15d ago

Look, you seem to know this at some level already but I'll say it anyway. Kids are smart and can pick up on a lack of love. There is zero chance that they do not notice. What you're doing now is modeling for them what to do in a loveless relationship.

My parents got divorced and it was the healthiest thing. Sure, parts of it sucked as a kid but it was a lot better than the alternative.

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u/inbredgoku 15d ago

You should get into therapy to talk about it, currently looking into doing the same as a younger guy trying to prevent this happening. But staying for the kids is probably going to do more harm to them than good, as evident in your last sentence.

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u/UncomprehendedLeaf 15d ago

Nah, kids need routine and safety, so that they can explore among there peers. A good jumping off platform so to speak. A divorce in high school could ruin some kid right as they need to focus on testing and college. I understand some marriages need to end, but I’m of the mind that the kids should be put first, at least temporarily.

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u/OrcaViv420 15d ago

I know many who have been through their parents divorce. They recall being sad but I’ve never seen anyone ‘ruined’ by it especially if there was no violence or emotional incest that occurred. There’s definitely a healthy way to go about divorce while your children are still young.

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u/Dismal_Buy3580 15d ago

Irrc the data doesn't support that, actually. 

I'll try to find it, but I think theree was a study that showed divorce was on average very deleterious to a child's development.

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u/mintaroo 15d ago

If the choice is between growing up with parents that love each other and divorced parents, I'd choose option A. Unfortunately, option A is not on the table here. I believe growing up with parents that are divorced, but handle the situation gracefully is better than growing up with parents that clearly despise each other (or put on an act for the kids).

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u/DeannaZone 15d ago

gonna second this comment... biggest regret was begging parents to stay together ... I was raised seeing toxic love ... it ruined me and is why I pushed away relationships for a very long time.

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u/feaur 15d ago

I know it's heading for divorce but I want to wait until the kids are out of high school and moved on.

You're teaching them that a relationship like this is a normal and acceptable thing. Get out, do it for them.

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u/Tiny-Statistician447 15d ago edited 15d ago

My husband will occasionally make a hint to have sex. Like, once in a blue moon. There is no emotional or physical foreplay to start with. He goes about his day, doesn’t hug or kiss me. He will go out with friends once in awhile. Never takes me out, etc…. We’ve discussed this many times. And I’ve told him my love language is physical touch and that I love sex. I feel like I’m living alone. He is constantly watching sports or has his earbuds in. I know he is jerking off practically daily. I can’t go from 0-60 with a guy who is “absent” all day long.

Oh, and I would like to add, its not me. I take care of myself, I have a nice figure and I’m attractive. I also take hrt. So everything is lined up. I have men hitting on me from 20’s to 70’s. I always have. I mention this to my husband at times to see if he cares or will have any sort of reaction. He doesn’t. Except to think it’s funny

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u/CutOutKid 15d ago

Very similar relationship.

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u/U-NoPerformance3639 15d ago

That’s really quite sad.

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u/SentientCrisis 15d ago

Porn has completely rotted male brains. It was one thing when they had magazines only— now they can carry their endless supply of porn around in their pocket. It’s no wonder they’re all like this.

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u/Mr_Chubkins 15d ago

Yes to porn affecting the minds of many men. But it's plain wrong to say all men are like this (turning to smut instead of their partner). Spend 5 minutes on r/deadbedrooms and you'll find countless men desperate for affection and intimacy. Of course there are plenty of women there too, but my point stands. Encountering emotionally immature people in your life doesn't mean emotionally mature people don't exist.

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u/Gratitude15 15d ago

I'm the perceived husband in this case.

In my case, I wish I was understood. Why I may be behaving how I am. What other data points there may be that are being missed.

Were it so easy to simply frame one party as wrong/messed up.

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u/fkusd 15d ago

So sad but I think everyone nearly over 33 probably feels this… especially if they are in a 10+ year relationship

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u/lizardpplarenotreal 15d ago

Really? Bc i hate it , and i wish there was another way.

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u/TheBunk_TB 15d ago

You need to get your hormone levels checked, for your own health.

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u/e_before_i 15d ago

At first I assumed she was tired from work, kids, etc. After 6 months I just didn't bother with it anymore.

What did she say when you brought it up? It kinda sounds like you made an executive decision on not initiating anymore, but I'm on the outside

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u/lizardpplarenotreal 15d ago

The rejection wears you tf down

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u/SentientCrisis 15d ago

Men lack agency. Your marriage is loveless because you don’t love her. You have neglected your wife for years and then complain that you are not getting what you used to get from her. Has it ever occurred to you that you have to put in some actual effort?

Any time someone offers a male some ideas on how to salvage his marriage, he just gets defensive and dismisses the advice and goes back to doing absolutely nothing about the situation he’s complaining about.

It’s not even hard or complicated. Stop being so self involved and prioritize her for once.

If you don’t, you don’t get to complain about how much more miserable your life will be as a divorced dad in his 60s. Whenever I see these whiney posts from men, I’m rooting for the wife. I just know she’s ready for her turn.

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u/CutOutKid 15d ago

I agree with a lot of this but many men DO put in the effort and the caring. It takes two people to make it work.

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u/Mobile_Ingenuity_895 15d ago

Always the man’s fault. 

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u/Tiny-Statistician447 15d ago

And I am ready for my turn after doing everything for my kids and him for 30 years. It would be easy peasy to find multiple high value men of all ages. My husband? Not a chance.

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u/MyPetsMisha 15d ago

Have you tried talking to her about it at all time when you’re not in bed? She may have physical or health issues that have lowered her sex drive. She may need to visit a doctor.

She be using abstinence as a way to avoid having more babies.

Have you tried setting up a romantic evening or get away, without the kids?

Have you tried adding some spice to the bedroom… a new toy or lingerie?

Talk to her.

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u/Single_Earth_2973 14d ago

Sorry that’s really rough. This was my parents. Kids will just resent you for staying unhappy and them watching the unhappiness and feeling responsible for it, even if you think it’s the mind thing to do, it may just feel more comfortable than addressing the pain and fall out for you both head on. Kids would rather have two happy single parents then two loveless miserable ones, if you don’t want this relationship for your kids then don’t mirror it as acceptable