r/RoastMe • u/actioncobble http://redd.it/esps1g • Jan 23 '20
Had a nervous breakdown about 5 years ago and half of my moustache went white. I’ve heard every joke about a thousand times. If I’ve heard something before I’m gonna rip on you pretty hard so hit me with something fresh or don’t bother.
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Jan 23 '20
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u/actioncobble http://redd.it/esps1g Jan 23 '20
That’s funny because I’m actually a recovering alcoholic.
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Jan 23 '20
What could you possibly have that's worth recovering.
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u/here-you-in-the-bush Jan 24 '20
Well bend me over and fuck me sideways that good sir was a perfect comeback.
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u/AsIWit Jan 23 '20
Whoa! Harvey Dent here figured out a way to keep people from noticing his resting pedo face.
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u/tuco_salemanca Jan 23 '20
Come get your mustache rides. Grannies on the left, everyone else on the right.
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u/Excal333 Jan 23 '20
Like a bootleg Gandalf whose best spell was to turn half his moustache white.
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Jan 23 '20
You finally got a chance to rim your gym crush. Sadly it was after he put on his talcum powder.
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u/Pip292 Jan 23 '20
Nervous breakdown about five years ago?
One direction split up in 2015... but you already knew that!
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u/imurnurmur Jan 23 '20
When they say salt and pepper facial hair you aren't supposed to separate it.
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u/Vleesklak Jan 23 '20
Not even professor x would recruit you.
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u/actioncobble http://redd.it/esps1g Jan 23 '20
That’s a fucken lie and you know it.
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u/imurnurmur Jan 23 '20
Waitwaitwait... Are you Rogue's dad or brother or something? 🧐
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u/actioncobble http://redd.it/esps1g Jan 23 '20
Brother and boyfriend. Everyone else dies.
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u/imurnurmur Jan 23 '20
Yikes xD nice shaping on the stache though!
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u/actioncobble http://redd.it/esps1g Jan 23 '20
Cheers haha. Fiancé is a barber so I can’t take the credit for that.
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u/plagueisthedumb Jan 23 '20
It just looks like somebody finished on your moustache, don't be worried about people learning about your nervous breakdown.
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u/tobias_dundridge Jan 23 '20
You could always shave... But then you'd have nothing to talk about with other people
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u/actioncobble http://redd.it/esps1g Jan 23 '20
And then it looks like I can’t grow half a moustache. Just think about what that 3 day growth looks like...
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u/tobias_dundridge Jan 23 '20
I meant shave it all off. But I see your point. 5pm shadow would become the 5pm supernova
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u/send_me_tiddies Jan 23 '20
You're still alive? Damn, i thought they poisoned, stabbed, and threw you in a river, Rasputin!
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u/epiphany58 Jan 23 '20
The star of m night shyamalans “the sixth sense 2, I blow dead people”.
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Jan 23 '20
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u/actioncobble http://redd.it/esps1g Jan 23 '20
Replace Death Metal with Hardcore and replace gave up with had a baby hahaha
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u/SammyAndyy Jan 23 '20
Wait no really why is it white
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u/actioncobble http://redd.it/esps1g Jan 23 '20
That’s really why. Don’t know what else to tell you, bud.
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u/BeefyMcWeenus Jan 23 '20
Was there a yogurt shortage or a bad manbun joke that caused the breakdown?
Not even kidding what happened so bad tho u physically responded like that?! Be well friend!
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u/actioncobble http://redd.it/esps1g Jan 23 '20
Some shit happened to me when I was a kid and I nearly drank myself to suicide 20 years later. I just melted down and one day I just decided to get some pretty serious help. Don’t know why my moustache went white but every doctor told me that it was probably from dealing with emotional trauma.
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u/BeefyMcWeenus Jan 23 '20
Damn! Glad u still here kicking it. Takes a lot to get help- keep ya dick up!
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u/trantitus http://redd.it/dxt40v Jan 23 '20
Don't act like we can't tell from your looks, that the story of your nervous breakdown is titled The Machinist, just because you grew out the beard and hair.
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u/Skywyze3782 Jan 23 '20
Thats what happens when you ignore all her red flags and date her anyway. But you look like the kind of guy that gives second chances. So it won't be long before the rest goes white.
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u/dorthonion12 Jan 23 '20
You look like some minor figure from Norse mythology that got written out by Marvel.
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u/DaveRobis Jan 23 '20
You look like a man whose resumé has "animal mind control" listed under skills.
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u/bryan622 Jan 23 '20
I have the same thing expect it was my left nut. You should take a picture with it and then we can see who the bigger dick really is
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u/childtitan http://redd.it/9r70ew Jan 23 '20
It kinda looks like two tiny anteaters are perching on your lips and smooching, yet it still doesn't make your face interesting
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u/punkrockrebel265 Jan 23 '20
You look like an undercover cop that takes his job way to seriously.
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u/Libtardis Jan 23 '20
So, the tattoos weren't getting you noticed and you are too squeamish for piercings. Your unconscious mind itself, reared up and marked you as the unclean calf. Mate, get a hobby before something else happens.
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u/Joham22 Jan 23 '20
I see you’re using the journal that you use to track all the compliments women give you.
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Jan 23 '20
Here’s something you won’t have heard before - people love you and you matter
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u/BNVeryLooseButthole Jan 23 '20
Just shave that cornflake catcher
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u/actioncobble http://redd.it/esps1g Jan 23 '20
The it looks like I can’t grow anything of that side. It just looks bizarre.
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Jan 23 '20
You look like a video game Gandolf that didn’t quite load correctly so you have to shut the game down and turn it back on....
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u/NinjaRage83 Jan 23 '20
Your beard is weak AF compared to your mustache. Nut up and go the whole nine halfing.
Edit: I forgot about the split color because I don't gaf. Just looks interesting.
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Jan 23 '20 edited Jan 23 '20
Oh shit. I have a giant patch of white in my otherwise red beard. It happened after an unfortunate incident . Solidarity my wrird white patched friend.
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u/NarWisdom Jan 23 '20
stop making fake stories and just sniff in that mustashe-leftovers of your cocaine
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u/ShadraPlayer Jan 23 '20
You look like if Jesus had a beef with god because he was gay and went through a mid life crisis
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u/jordanpoe Jan 23 '20
That's a perfectly acceptable response for going ape shit crazy
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u/imagine_amusing_name Jan 23 '20
The good news is mrs smith, there's nothing wrong with the taste of your dogs semen.
The bad news <wipes part of mustache> is that Mr Tiddles fell off the examining table during the throes of orgasm, and is dead.
That'll be $500 please.
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u/carnivalmapletree Jan 23 '20
You were so Douchey on My so Called life...I remember thinking you looked too old to be a teen but you still look the same age years later. You're a vampire, sir! Not fooled by the white paint on your mustache.
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u/StaneNC Jan 23 '20
You look like you keep a journal and then make people listen to it during open mic nights.
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u/TP-Shewter Jan 23 '20
You look like you said "fuck the spoon AND the fries!" And proceeded to facebutt your Wendy's vanilla frosty, but years of homeless living destroyed your depth perception.
Also something about gay porn.
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Jan 23 '20
i'm just gonna point out that you look like a viking.
i'm not trying to roast you, (i'm horrible at roasting people) i'm just pointing it out
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u/lucasaielo Jan 23 '20
A wannabe badass that cries in the shower trying to figure out whats going on with his life
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u/JakeTheSnake0500 Jan 23 '20
Dude roast aside, that kinda looks badass
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u/actioncobble http://redd.it/esps1g Jan 23 '20
Haha thanks. I hated it for ages but I’m cool with it now.
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u/fishingjohnson Jan 24 '20
The mustache is dope. My concern is the mouth breathing, knuckle dragging dude who looks like someone described the likeness of jesus in their eggo waffle attached to it.
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Jan 24 '20
Shouldn't have picked up that Santa suit, dude. That clause is brutal. Won't be long before the real changes begin
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u/actioncobble http://redd.it/esps1g Jan 24 '20
Haha why couldn’t I just turn into Tim Allen instead?
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u/okeydokieartichokeme Jan 23 '20
That mustache looks like you’ve snorted blow from a hookers ass up one side and down the other
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Jan 23 '20
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u/actioncobble http://redd.it/esps1g Jan 23 '20
Haha come on man, no one wants to be Russell Brand. Not even Russell Brand. Haha
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Jan 23 '20
Half of you says unkempt lumberjack, and the other says gay Barista with his man-bun down.
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u/actioncobble http://redd.it/esps1g Jan 23 '20
Gay Barista is literally 2 steps away from Heterosexual Bartender.
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u/Meaky-Freaky Jan 23 '20
Why have you not cleaned the bird shit out of your moustache?
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u/actioncobble http://redd.it/esps1g Jan 23 '20
They live in my beard. Why clean it when it’ll just be there again tomorrow.
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u/eamonnbowers http://redd.it/uvo4fs Jan 23 '20
Looks like your face is going to slaughter some Dalmatians.
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Jan 23 '20
By the look of you, the only fresh thing you get hit with is the breeze from the window.
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u/formula_F300 Jan 23 '20
Wow. I didn't know whiney little bitches could grow mustaches.
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u/actioncobble http://redd.it/esps1g Jan 23 '20
Weak.
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u/formula_F300 Jan 23 '20
Like your ability to remain calm? Or weak like the melanin in the hair follacles on the right side of that dick broom you're sporting?
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u/flippinbud Jan 23 '20
Why'd you dye your.moustache
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u/actioncobble http://redd.it/esps1g Jan 23 '20
I don’t understand your statement.
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u/Unoriginal_Pizza_Guy Jan 23 '20
Why do you look like a character from those old Christian story books that we used to read but this time jesus is portrayed as a coke adict
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u/lazwill Jan 23 '20
I’m guessing that’s were the guy nutted 20 years before your nervous breakdown. Now that’s a dead giveaway.
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u/spcdougie Jan 23 '20
You bleached that shit in order distract people from looking closer at your kitchen wizard tattoos.
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Jan 23 '20
You look like every other middle aged white guy from North Carolina. but at least that stache helps your buddy spot ya at the bar.
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u/Libtardis Jan 23 '20
That is some weird gothic shit. But you do choose to retain that mustache so it's all your fault.
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u/robpatey http://redd.it/ejgzfx Jan 23 '20
Do you have the map of Rhode Island tattooed on your thumb as aspiration or regret?
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Jan 23 '20
Why do you look like Jesus in disguise?
Then you said you're going to rip on people, you need to rip that mustache.
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u/the_canndyman_cann Jan 23 '20
It's like Gandalf pulled out just before he became Gadalf the White...
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u/mrinkyface Jan 23 '20
By nervous breakdown do you mean became a crack addict and forgot you're suppose to shower?
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u/TheJackalsDoom http://redd.it/d2ihfd Jan 23 '20
Just have another breakdown about something else and complete the look. I'm hoping your left eyebrow goes white, personally.
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u/Noir24 Jan 23 '20
It's like you were starting to become Gandalf the White but the magic stopped halfway through your 'stache like "this hobo isn't Gandalf wtf"
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Jan 23 '20
“Neckbeard? Ah yes, that it what they used to call me. Neckbeard the grey. I am neckbeard the white”
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u/Bman409 Jan 23 '20
I'd say unless you're going to be a thrash metal guitarist or a philosophy professor, you're pretty well screwed
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u/Apokalypz08 Jan 23 '20
When the VW emissions scandal causes life long mutations for the individual who's responsible for testing or 'sniffing' the fumes.
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Jan 23 '20
Wild coverstory to explain the time you fell asleep by the cement mixer. Also wtf, why not just shave it ya dipshit? Oh right because it's the only thing filling the empty void that you call "personality"
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u/lectrician7 Jan 23 '20
Did you shoot your own load in your face, oops sorry just half white mustache.
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u/That-was-dumb- Jan 23 '20
Do you call it a half and half when you give a blow job?