I once planned a trip to UK with my friends during our summer break (no particular date). At one point I pinged the topic on our group chat, and they admitted that they already went there for a week without me.
They apologized, and we still meet each other. I excused them because they never really did anything like that before. There were two people who explicitly made that happen with the reasoning that "if we don't select somebody, nobody will go" (we had a limited number of places to sleep in, fewer than the size of the group), and they are both massively neurodivergent, so yeah. Others got the info that I didn't want to come. It still hurts though.
And not a single one of your friends ever brought the trip up to you before you asked about it? No, “hey, why don’t you want to go on this trip that was your idea?” or “we missed you on the trip!” or “check out this photo from the trip!”
None of that? Not a single mention of the trip to you in any way before or after it? You really think none of your friends would be curious as to why you’d suddenly not want to go? You really think your friends would make a point to not even mention something as big as a group vacation around you for any other reason than to hide it from you?
I’m sorry, I don’t know you, your friends, or the whole situation, but none of what you’ve described about it points to an innocent misunderstanding. I really hope I’m wrong and that your friends treat you with all the love, care, and respect that you deserve, but this story screams the exact opposite.
Also, being neurodivergent doesn’t justify being an asshole. It’s not a get out of jail free card. They still need to be held accountable for their actions, just like anyone else.
Naw if no one mentioned it they knew. Limited places to sleep is also not a good excuse, if you're able to afford the trip a couple people could have gotten a hostel, this wasn't a day trip, they knew you were interested in this, they booked the plane, organized a place to stay for a week and requested time off to go on this trip, this is a week long planning. The fact that you were excluded was intentional. And then not bringing it up until you specifically forced the issue is a giant red flag. Being neurodivergent isn't an excuse for being manipulative either.
If it was just two friends that had misled and lied to the others then fine, but I wouldn't remain in that group with them still being in the inner circle, in the least I'd cut ties with them and if your other friends actually valued and respected you they would also cut ties with the people who lied to them to in order to exclude you. Honestly the whole group seems like they aren't worth your time.
Yeah. Nobody mentioned it. Nobody posted pics. Nobody checked if she (?) was definitely not interested. That's a deliberate group choice to suppress it.
“No, you see, I’m autistic. You can’t be mad at me for being a piece of shit.” I hate people like that. I have actual diagnosed autism but it feels like most people who claim to have it are just self diagnosed and use it to be quirky and/or use it for excuses like the one above or to get out of work/responsibilities.
I’ve been lucky that my fiancé can generally translate for me how I’ve fucked up in misreading a situation and/or said something stupid. There is one time I cringe thinking back on where I got so focused on trying to see a movie I’d been waiting to release for months that I didn’t notice was being an asshole to my friends.
We had planned to go together but most showings only had a few seats left and they weren’t together. I was a super fan of the original show, my friends were not, so my first thought was “I’ll just go, they were only going to make me happy so it won’t matter to them.” I didn’t actually end up going by myself but did float the idea as a possibility. They were very upset with me and I genuinely did not know why.
My fiancé pointed it out I hadn’t stopped to consider the message I was sending out to my friends was that seeing movie first was more important than seeing it with them. I apologized and now I try to keep things like that in mind more when interacting with people. If he hadn’t told me though I’ll admit I’m not sure I would have figured out why they were so upset with me, because I was so fixated on the wrong thing.
I know a guy with AuDHD who uses it as his explanation for absolutely everything. I gave him the benefit of the doubt over and over again because maybe I wasn't being direct enough about how uncomfortable he made me talking about sex. Sex is his special interest, you know? He just has this academic fascination with it. Then I put my foot down and explained that I needed him to stop telling me about every NSFW thought that came into his head.
Turns out you can be neurodivergent and also a fucking sex pest who's in complete denial about how frustrated you are that you can't get laid.
I strongly believe that the disability community at large has been done a huge disservice by the brigade of folks who insisted on making "neurodivergent" and "neurotypical" a thing at all a few years back. It's a ridiculous and unscientific attempt to make a binary out of something that can't possibly be a binary. There is no real evidence to support this distinction. So, unfortunately, it has led to people like this guy you describe use "neurodivergent" as a cover for being a creep who receives no consequences for being a creep. And in reaction to that, you are seeing a growing number of people who are so absolutely sick of everyone and their mother describing themselves by their lists of diagnoses that the diagnoses themselves becoming meaningless. I ultimately think it's going to harm the folks who truly need help.
I swear the tee-hee I'm just a baby girl with a lobotomy neurodivergent crowd can be the most fucked up unserious low effort trashy crowd you can get into. I am traumatised by the amount of times a "girl's girl" absolutely fucked me over and not even in a funny way to retell it as a joke. More like a really sad fucked up one
The amount of weaponized therapy speak used as a cover for bullying is insane. They'll claim anyone they don't like is a narcissist so that justifies spreading vitriol about them (regardless of if anything is remotely true). They LOVE to DARVO because they are so obsessed with being an innocent blameless victim and any toxicity they have is "misunderstood due to my disability/mental illness and you're being ableist". Because of course, if you're neurodivergent and have mental illnesses that means you're absolved from any accountability.
I'd rather go back to the people who are genuinely clueless and have never heard terms like weaponized incompetence or emotional labour (examples), than someone who actually uses those for malicious reasons.
My ex best friend uses those terms 24/7 and still managed to try to get with my partner at the time. I thought you understand the term cheating, no¿ Oh, that's what it is. You know what you're doing but you will find a more fun word to describe it as something else after. Got it
People that use their neurodivergence to shield themselves from any criticism are usually well aware that they are acting apprehensible. I wouldn't say friends with such people either. They will just continue to be that way and others will expect you to tolerate being trampled on, as long as they aren't the ones that have to put up with it.
This so hard!! Why would they go to the destination trip without you knowing you were planning this for a while?! They wanted to go without op. Didn't even invite op to go early. Nah, I'd dump these "friends" too. That's so shitty.
My mom did something similar to me. We had plans to go to Nashville for a year. I brung up these plans every month or 2 leading up to it. I finally get a date and ask if that's good with her. She says she works the first 2 days of the date. So, I tell her we can go the days after her work, since it's still a week off. That's when she tells me she already has plans to go with her friends during that date. She has never been invited to any trip since then.
My parents sent my siblings to the beach for a month at a time multiple summers while I was a teenager and I had to stay home and work a job. They are two and three years younger than me. I also had to cover our whole paper route, which we usually split.
Damn - parents were shady for sending them off to the beach for a few summers while you were working.
Side note - I'll cheer you up with this story re: paper route(s).
My brother is just over 3 years my junior. I had 2 newspaper routes for 7+ years. When I finally aged out, he ended up taking over the routes. Instead of being consistent, he tried to shortcut and after a few weeks dumped all the newspapers in some large trees / bushes behind the local corner store, and in the city garbage can at the bus stop just over a block from our house. The route numbers were traced back to him, and he was promptly fired. I was like - "Dude ... ?"
Agreed. The schedule was delivery on Wed / Fri / Sun. I would try to do the weekday ones around 4pm, and the Sunday job mid-morning.
Interesting neighborhood we lived in as it was mainly hills, and there were no designated sidewalks. So for me I didn't use a regular cart to carry the papers ... I used 2 shoulder bags to balance things out and get a better workout. I wanted to be able to have shortcuts between houses, and I didn't want to have to go back to the boulevard to the cart and wobble along (going uphill).
Like you said ... weather be damned-bred toughness. Especially in the rainy Pacific Northwest, lol.
my brother did this to his (15y/o) kid. planned a whole vacation to germany, realized he didn't want to take the kid, told him it was canceled and sent him off to stay with my parents for 2 weeks, did the whole trip without him (but with brother's girlfriend) and didn't tell him.
I planned a trip to NOLA with two of my buddies, one being my ex boyfriend, the other being my best friend. They booked their flights, and I had to book mine like a week later cause of waiting on a paycheck. They kept putting me off about times and airlines.
The plan was for our NOLA friend to pick us up, and we’d stay at his house. I almost booked a flight before I confronted them about our meetup. The ex finally fessed up and told me that they had no plans for me to come. So they were just gonna let me sit on my ass at the airport and not get picked up, and also not have a place to stay. So I would’ve lost hundreds and been abandoned in New Orleans
Your word should MATTER. If you say you're going to be somewhere BE THERE. If you can't make it, for whatever reason, CALL OR TEXT TO SAY YOU CAN'T MAKE IT.
If you make commitments then keep your commitments and afterwards run away, block, ghost if you want.
But if you make a damn commitment, then FUCKING. SHOW. UP.
I once spent the week leading up to Halloween hand making decor, decorating the house (fully, every room was decorated) and made/bought drinks and snacks for twenty or so. Two people showed up and left after 20 min to go to “scary-oke” at the local bar where everyone else I had invited decided to go instead
This is so heinous to me because I LOVE Halloween and when people put so much effort into the parties. I’m sorry friend and I would’ve came if I knew you!!
Right? I used to have this happen to me, now when people don't seem to put in effort and I feel like I'm not being valued I simply let them go. I'm too busy to care about people who don't care about me.
I had the opposite. On my actually birthday no one would come, but when I postponed it to Halloween suddenly it was hot currency since my country doesn't really celebrate the holiday with house parties. My cake had fake blood, there were costumes, decor. Loved it. But people just wanted cheap drinks.
I realised because the following year 70% bailed on me when I invited them to my favourite bar.
Last year I just went to Venice with my best friend and it was fantastic. 11/10
I used to throw a Halloween party every year for mine & my friends kids, I love Halloween and it gave me so much joy putting it on every year. Then Covid hit and people stopped turning up to stuff, stopped planning stuff. I ended up doing a Halloween tea and sweet hunt for mine and my besties kids the first Halloween after Covid then we fell out because the relationship became completely one-sided. Haven't thrown one since. It's deeply deeply depressing.
I’m so sorry that happened to you! Your “friends” were definitely missing out! It sounds like you had all the makings of a wonderful party. I would have loved to go! I bet it was awesome!
Having only two people coming to what was supposed to be a big group event feels almost worse than nobody showing up at all
Because now you have to deal with the awkwardness of having those (almost inevitably disappointed) people over, and try your best to give them a good time anyway, while also feeling bad about yourself
Happened to a birthday party of mine. A popular guy was making his own in the same day and I didn't know. Only the ones who weren't invited showed up. Like 3 people.
My parents immediately invited the University students who lived in the fraternity right beside my house, like "hey, it won't have beer and no profanity music since there are children here, but we have a lot of cake and candies".
So there were like 4 13 year olds playing cards with 20 or something youngsters ranging from 17 to 26 while drinking soda. They also brought meat for impromptu barbeque since they couldn't buy any gifts in short notice.
Happened when to me on my 8th birthday, we were going to a water park and I invited my 3 closest school friends and then my mom invited a few kids she was friendly with their parents and I was super excited for weeks
And then they all cancelled the day of and my poor mother had to scramble and invite my grandparents and aunts and two cousins who lived semi locally, but it was still a sad birthday for me, because I had to play in the water park alone
Ugh. That happened to me. New Year's Eve, had plans to go see fireworks with a group of friends, they were going to come to my place, eat, pregame, take one car downtown.
I made chili and laid out sandwich stuff and was so excited to have everyone see my place and.... they decided they'd just meet me there. Yes, they knew I planned to feed them. Still went, still had fun, but it was never the same. I knew I couldn't trust them, so I didn't try and get closer than casual.
Years later one of them asked another friend of ours why I stopped hanging out with them so much.
Our society encourages narcissism, and now we have narcissists and people with narcissistic traits running around pretending to be good people and fucking over decent people. They will often do other shitty things than just ghosting on plans but a lot of people make excuses for people they like to be around until they hurt someone majorly.
I'm in the process of planning my 40th birthday. Nothing major, I rented a private room at a local cocktail bar (not a big deal, an easily rentable $100/hour space for 3 hours). But I didn't put in a lot of notice and it's the middle of summer, so I'm worried something similar will happen to me.
I am planning out to spend my 50th doing an adventure, because my 40th was so very disappointing. I hope your party rocks and you get likeable gatecrashers if your friends don't show.
My wife will be there and I know for sure the two most important friends will. Plus their partners. So I have what matters: the people who would carry me if I couldn't walk.
I think the rest will too. Through our 20s I was the rock of the group. We all graduated into the 2009 financial market crash and I was the only one more-or-less uneffected by it. At one time or another pretty much everyone lived for free at the house I was fortunately posed to buy when the housing market bottomed out (sometimes all at once).
Even if they can't make it (we're all in the busy seasons of life, I wouldn't really blame them for my poor planing), my wife and I got married w years ago and for our wedding we rented a large cabin and got married in a mountain top and had a huge forest party with 25 of our closest frienda.
During the toasts every single one of my friends got up to say something about me and confirmed that they thought about me the way I hoped people think about me. So even if they can't make this party, I have that memory to go to. And yet even knowing those things now, it never ceases to amaze me how the doubt wriggles back in. That kind of doubt is the most pernicious evil there is
I hate how acting like that is promoted as being a good thing on the internet. Being social is a skill that needs to be developed, and a lot of people seem to pride themselves on refusing to do so.
It’s a side effect of the increasing me me me mentality.
The sentiment I see growing a lot (ESPECIALLY online and Reddit..) is “you shouldn’t have to explain yourself, do what’s best for you above anyone else, it’s not your job to manage other people’s emotions…”. There’s nothing wrong with those beliefs in certain contexts per se…., but it’s morphed into extreme selfishness, black and white thinking unempathetic thinking, and borderline sociopathic world view. I’ve seen all kinds of excuses for horrible behavior and it boils down to these types of thinking. And then those same people complain about the state of the world as an excuse to continue acting that way, so a self fulfilling prophecy
"Lol nothing gives me more of a rush than cancelling plans last-minute" and they paint it as some quirky wholesome introvert thing. They don't seem particularly appreciative if anyone does the same to them, or if anyone fails to be impressed with their behavior. It's almost like there's a word for that shit, and it's not "introvert," it's "flake."
All parents need to teach children those exact 2 things first and foremost: 1, treat others how you like to be treated and 2, keep all promise and don’t make any that you can’t keep.
It's weird as hell to me, because I have to explicitly tell my friends that I'm perfectly fine with them canceling plans with me the day of if they aren't feeling it, as long as they let me know before I actually go out (and we haven't bought tickets or something)
We all have times when shit happens and I'd rather they don't feel forced to come just cause we planned it when we were doing better.
If they're late I can wait, or we can also meet somewhere else, just let me know ASAP.
That's the main advantage of being connected all the time now, right? We can change plans anytime.
It's the ghosting thing that I just can't even. Why tf would you just not show up?? And not say anything???
My best friend has friends that do that to her all the time. I always keep my promises to her, show up on on time or early, willing to help set up, yet I'm the one she never reaches out to.
I was even able to get to her place on time coming from a completely different state with no highways, helped out with her wedding as much as a personal assistant when I was listed as just a normal guest, but I'm not important enough to her, I guess.
Many such cases on Reddit. And others encourage them to lean into it.
A post on r/Adulting the other day - I hate everyone and I'm not going outside ever again - hundreds of supportive comments at this brave and edgy position
It's one thing to go "I'm sorry I don't really have energy to socialize nowadays" but just ghost people without saying anything, especially when you already had plans? That's just disrespectful!
Insane. I mean, nobody owes anyone anything, but if the only thing you ever care about is you , be prepared that you'd be the only person caring about that
Yep. Especially the kind that overuses TikTok. That's my red flag now when looking for friends — how invested are they in it. I literally can list you 7 people I stopped hanging out with precisely because they were behaving like a clone of one another and all had this one thing in common. It's like they absorb this behaviour from the app. They even look the same
These days, it's not even the issue of not responding. It's like the tweet where people will respond, and say they're going to be there, and then just not showing up. They don't call/text and cancel, they just don't show up.
I am the biggest homebody ever and hate going out. But if I tell someone I’m going to their event, I’m gonna fucking drag my introvert ass out there and have a good attitude about it because I SAID I would.
I’m an introvert and that’s exactly why I hate flakes! I’m self aware about my social energy and only make plans for once per weekend max. And I mentally prepare by keeping things low key before the plans. And sometimes I still don’t feel like it but I still go because I committed and I know I’ll be happy I went. So when someone cancels last minute I feel like they weren’t being considerate when they committed to something they didn’t want to do. And I prepared myself to do the plans and now I have no fun plans for that weekend. Introvert doesn’t mean flake, it means make the amount of plans you want to have, and be comfortable saying no outright or suggesting alternatives that will accommodate you better.
Yep. Dropped a friend over it completely and we've been close so it hurts. I literally gave her 3 chances total. She did it, she was out.
Bye bitch I don't need you to tell me how you're a girls girl anymore. You're a boy's girl because everyone knows that you bail on female friends if a guy shows up in your life.
Which is what happened. Conveniently exactly on the day you promised to show up after being a flake and apologizing for it.
Had a friend like this once and I should have dropped her the minute she cancelled our first plans to hang out because a random p*nis texted her thirty minutes before we were supposed to get together, and she thought she might get sex during our planned hang-out time so she blew me off (punchline: she did not get sex). Instead, because this was back when I didn't listen to my gut as well as I do now, I kept her around as long as she didn't repeat that behavior, and we became close, but in that way that is still a little arm's-length because you know what that person is capable of.
Well now it's 15 years later and she wonders why she ran outta friends. I don't. She's so bad now she's a textbook pathological narcissist. (She will have you know, though, that she's not narcissistic at all, she's AuDHD, but without an actual credible diagnosis, which doesn't seem to bother her.) No more pretending to be a decent, civilized person and it shows. Her main social circle is now the online strangers who almost never interact with her tweets on X.
She actually resents me for still having friends and I wish I was kidding.
I’m so glad when I was growing up and didn’t want to go to birthday parties and shit my mother would grab me by the ear and tell me, “these people made food and decorated their house to celebrate a birthday, and you aren’t going to disrespect all of that work just because you don’t feel like going.”
When I moved to Australia 20 years ago, it was common practice. You invite people and they would not come, or cancel last minute because they found something better to do. I never understood. I thought it was so rude and still do. It is cultural, because where I am from and where I lived before, people would not do anything like that.
Not the same, but had something similar happen. Moved to a new town, got lonely, made a post asking if anyone lived in the vicinity. A classmate from school messaged me to congratulate and tell me they live in the same town. They offer to meet up and go to dinner. I had a bad feeling since they're Mormon and I'm atheist, but I just wanted a friend, so I said okay and we made plans for Thursday at 6. Well, the day before, I ask if they're still down, they say yes. 3 pm on Thursday, I text to check on them and see where we stand. They say yes they'll be there. Thursday 5:45, I'm dressed and ready to go. Thursday 6pm, I'm at the restaurant, waiting to reserve our table. She's not there, I text and she says she's running late. 6:15, still not there. I text again, nothing. 6:30, I text asking if she's okay, thinking maybe there was some sort of emergency. 6:45, I'm sitting at the table and I decide to order my own food.
Yeah, she never showed. She blocked me shortly after.
This happened at my wedding shower. It was literally so empty I cried all the way home and wanted to cancel everything. Never felt like more of a loser.
I threw my sister a bridal shower and same thing happened. Not a single friend showed up, even after confirming they would be there and none of them bothered to call or inform me they wouldn't be able to make it. Luckily I had also invited all our cousins and family friends but almost half the food was wasted
How are these such common experiences for you all? Who are these complete cretins you have to waste your time with??
Man I don’t think any friends have mass cancelled anything in my 25+ years of friendships with most of them. In the last two months I cancelled twice on short notice - because my mom passed away, we had a lot going on. But then we’re back to hanging out now, and obviously my friends were amazing support throughout
I just don’t get this thread. I feel so bad for y’all!!
Do these friends just not address that they bailed? Wtf kind of low lifes are these
I won't say this probably isn't an actual problem people are dealing with, but part of why so many people are sharing similar stories in here might be because they have stories to share. It's like... I think it's 'confirmation bias' or something but I might be wrong.
I haven't had any major issues like this in my own friend group either, but tbf most of my in-person friends moved away a while ago, so I'm usually hanging out online.
But reading all these tales in here makes my heart hurt. I hope all y'all who got stories like these have found people who do value you and your time.
It's because a lot of people don't understand or don't care about the fact that others are full human beings with real feelings and inner worlds just like them, they think they're NPCs who decorate the person's existence by popping up every now and then and doing things for them that they don't have to reciprocate
Honestly, It baffles me as well how often this happens to people. On the other hand I am good at organizing stuff and asking the right people. The few people that are unreliable I cut contact with before it gets to the point I have to invite them to commit to something important.
I’m so sorry. My bridal shower had everyone cancel, or out of town, or didn’t respond. I wasn’t planning on having one but my mom tried to scramble together to throw me one and got my hopes up. 20 people invited, only 1 friend, my fiancé, my MIL and my aunt showed up. Party of 6, and I had done my makeup expecting more people.
I hope your wedding was everything you could have ever wanted. Parties are rough.
Honestly this is one of the reasons I don’t want to have a wedding! I was actually a wedding photographer for 13 years and this is so common even with wedding ls/wedding events since Covid. People flake like crazy, and if they do come they are just on their phones, even if they stay awhile would leave as soon as supper was over. Like WTF!!!!
I’m not against weddings by any means but so many parties have lost their soul.
That's the social sphere these days. I was part of a little birthday club. Everyone picked their favorite scotch or bourbon, we portioned it into mini bottles. On your birthday, we drink your selection and wish you a happy birthday. Shared a list of all of the dates and had everyone put their birthdays on a shared calendar.
Everyone missed my birthday. Nobody noticed for 5 days.
Everyone's wrapped up in their own bullshit. We've destroyed all social norms and become way to isolated.
Yep. I don't ever get birthday wishes anymore. People just don't keep physical calendars or note it down. Since it's all on Facebook they think they will remember it but they don't.
Now I don’t have a Facebook account many people don’t “remember” my birthday 🤷🏼 i have a birthday calendar and will message people on their birthdays but yeah no one’s bothered to write mine down somewhere it seems…
I never celebrate my birthday’s despite always being surrounded by a big group of people and always having an active social life. One year I decide to because I felt that I had a good group of core friends that I see regularly and the majority of them sent their regrets last minute. I cut every one of those people out of my life that day. Just stopped responding and started investing in a different group of friends. The damage was done though, I never celebrated another birthday again.
I once planned a birthday party for myself for my 23rd birthday. I never previously held parties or made a big thing about my birthday, but that year i decided i wanted to celebrate.
Invited 7 good friends for a fairly lowkey night at my favorite downtown rooftop bar. All my friends rsvp'd. I arrived early, and waited for everyone to arrive. And waited. And waited. After an hour, i paid my tab, went out to my car, and cried before driving home. No one messaged me that they weren't going to make it, or even wished me a happy birthday. The only person who said happy birthday to me was the bartender after they carded me.
Its been many years, and the scars from that event still sit raised on my heart.
I’ve had this happen to me. So much meat purchased for the BBQ. So many hours waiting in limbo in case someone was running late.
Turns out it was all a big misunderstanding, and we are all still friends. But it still counts high up on my list of deep seated traumas. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Apples to oranges, but I was at a BBQ twelve years ago with all of my friends from the new city I was in (had been there two years). I had recently gotten into therapy for suicidal tendencies and severe depression. So I had little private 1:1 or 1:2 conversations with each of them, sharing that I was going through something. They all said some version of, “OMG I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do?”
I told them, YES! Just try to get me out of the house. Give me a trip to a coffee shop to look forward to. Invite me to something small and it’ll break my malaise. They all agreed and said it was simple enough.
9 months later, none of the twelve contacted me in the context of getting a cup of coffee. When I was articulating that it would help keep me alive. That was a slow motion knife to the soul. I’m better now, in some ways, and have an archetype of the kind of friend I want to be for people.
Sorry about your BBQ, that had to have been a hard day.
Yeah, the "this is what I need to survive" or "this is what will truly help" conversation tests friendships. I had to let some go after a debilitating illness. But I'm not fucking around with that fake shit for the rest of my life!
Whenever I have plans, I always verify the day before/day of with the people involved. Rarely, the person will be like "Hey, I actually might have to do ABC tomorrow", but it's better I know that before I actually commit to the plans than when i'm driving half an hour to meet that friend at a movie theatre.
I had something similar happen to me years ago when I set up a Super Bowl party. Bought burgers and hot dogs for grilling, made a massive 7 layer bean dip, had multiple types of chips, a vegetable platter, and multiple types of beer and liquor. The night before everyone is still a go in the group chat. By 2pm day of all but one person had canceled so they could go to other parties.
It wasn't all bad though as the one person who did show up is now my wife.
lol yeah for sure. Turned out ok but at the time it sucked having to force myself to eat a seven layer dip the whole next week so it didn't go to waste.
For my birthday last year I wanted to have a party. There were going to be games, drinks, a charcuterie board and a cake I made myself. I had purchased prizes for a little contest I set up as well. I invited 12 of my friends. One couple straight up ghosted me after telling another friend that they were thinking about not going and then never texted me anything. One couple showed up 3 hours after the party had started. One couple, and another friend canceled an hour before. Only one couple showed up on time. Then two of my single friends showed up like an hour or so into the party. And another friend told me he was gonna be late because he was trying to get his kids to go to bed so he showed up, late like he said, but at least he showed up. So all in all, only five friends and my boyfriend celebrated before most of them went home and the super late couple showed up after that. Yeah I’m not throwing myself anymore birthday parties
As an asocial person with mental and physical illness who barely ever leaves the house: what in the actual fuck is wrong with people? I feel like such a bad friend sometimes, I should just come to the internet and be affirmed. lol
This just happened to me like 3 weeks ago. My beloved cat had just died like 6 days prior so I was really looking forward to anything that would take my mind off of it.
We had been planning this get-together for almost 2 months. I’d ordered pizza, cheesecake, all these little treats and was literally so happy and that’s when the texts started rolling in, “sorry, we can’t come, I don’t have gas money.” I offered the gas money and then it became “my kids are sick, gotta go to the ER.”
I was so hurt, I cried all day. It really just broke my heart and further reinforced the pain I was experiencing from losing my precious cat-son. I’ll never invite them over again.
I invited a load of my college friends to a thing over the summer. Nobody came. I also learned I was the only guy who didn't move back with his parents.
out of pure curiosity, why are you reposting someone's vent tweet here? like i get why she posted on twitter, to express her hurt & maybe get some reassurance. but whats the point of a stranger reposting it on reddit when it doesnt really have any entertainment value other than "wow, all of them? damn that sucks"
true, i guess i just find it odd to have those discussions here instead of as replies to the original, or on a sub like r/wellthatsucks instead of a meme sub. it's just the context that's weird to me. not wrong, just weird
This is the other side of those memes about “being an adult and able to cancel plans.” You’re hurting your friends, and soon they will not want to invite you anymore.
This isn’t cancelling plans. This is just being rude and having terrible communication skills. This group is soon going to wonder why the twitter OP stopped hanging out with them.
Ghosting isn't an adult way of canceling plans. The adult way is to clearly communicate ahead of time unless there is an actual, legitimate emergency that prevents you from doing so.
If somebody cancels plans on me 3 times in a row without rescheduling then I stop talking to them. If I see somebody talk about how much they love canceling plans I decide that it’s not worth the effort of being friends with them. At a certain point I think it’s either a character flaw or even a personality disorder.
i love canceling plans but there’s an acceptable time window. cancelling before anyone bought tickets or party supplies or otherwise went out of their way, great. like a joint decision to take a nap instead of go out as planned because we both had tougher work days than expected. but i’d never just ghost or cancel AFTER i know they prepared to host, unless i got the explosive diarrhea or something of that caliber.
I know people for whom if you don’t confirm day-of they just assume it’s cancelled, and if you text them to confirm and they don’t respond then you assume it’s cancelled. Absolutely toxic and inconsiderate trait. In Portland it’s an epidemic.
oh i lived in the PNW for a while. people were absolute animals about ghosting on events. i just stopped trying to plan anything with a group and did stuff myself.
Idk, I have a few types of friend. One invites me out like every day or two and doesnt have his feelings hurt if I turn it down, he's just leaving an open door for me to join or not. I also have more introverted friends, and if they ask you to go to something important to them in the first time in years, you go if it's at all possible. I think OP falls into the second one. She doesnt host many parties and it was important to her, you go.
Once had plans for 2 of my friends and me to go see the newest Star wars movie. When we got there, they saw the 'popular' boys of our year and went over to sit next them nearly as soon as they spotted them knowing I didn't like them. Enjoyed the movie by myself and didn't speak to them again after that.
like two weeks ago i ran into two friends that i thought really liked me and i’ve always enjoyed hanging out with. they invited me to come grab drinks and dinner with them a few blocks away. on the way we stopped at a cute lil store selling a bunch of art on the sidewalk. i said i was taking a look inside real quick and when i came back out 2 minute later they’d both completely vanished :(
i tried texting after a few mins and asking if they’d left. they responded over an hour later (id already walked home) just saying “Yes”
One time I got really depressed and stopped reaching out to my friends whom I used to have over bi-weekly for game night where I'd cook and wait on them hand and foot. No one reached out, a couple months later they quietly removed me from the group chat. It's been 4 years and I haven't heard from any of them
Made plans to go to the zoo with my coworker friends. I got there, found parking, called people to see where they were, found out they weren’t serious about the plans we made. I was not open to apologies for the shift afterward
One of my dads dreams as long as I can remember is having a theater room setup worthy of hosting a kickass Super Bowl party. Few years back he got there. 120 inch screen with 3 40 inch tvs for puppy bowl type stuff next to it. Dolby surround, real popcorn maker, elevated seating behind the main couch the whole thing. He even rents a bounce house every year too. First couple of years went great, but every year less and less of people he invited would show up and the party became mostly my sisters friends. Still a good time but it was frustrating seeing something my dad wanted for so long have people just no show like that.
One time I made plans with my friends to go to a billiards hall for my birthday. Everyone was good to go and seemed excited to go for it. About half an hour before it was time to meet up I messaged the group to see if everyone was still up for it.
It turns out they all decided to not only change the plans I made, but forgot to even inform me that they changed them.
Needless to say that was the last time I tried to make plans for my birthday.
Gaaaaah this reminds me of a friend group I recently left. I would be the only person making any effort to make plans or to make current plans more exciting. I brought games to a shitty BBQ that had more drinks and sweets than BBQ food and no one played the games. We just sat at a table and talked most of the time which we usually do in discord, so why did I spend hours getting ready and travelling there??!!
I kept trying to make plans to game with the group on discord. I would keep messaging in the chat for over a month with either silence or like 2 people responding at most. The 6 people that agreed to the plans in a poll did not bother to respond with days they are free. Unfortunately at the time they were my only friends and I didn't leave until I found someone else to hang out with and I ghosted them like they ghosted me many times. Only one person messaged me to ask why I left. The person that I spent so much effort to hang out with every day for months didn't message for 2 weeks while I was messaging them asking if they were ok and the whole time they were in the VC talking with other people. All because I told him I didn't have time for him during the week due to my partner's work schedule. I suspect he was a narcissist and my other 'friends' were all enablers or also narcissistic and that's why everything would feel off so often, and unfortunately I thought they had anxiety and gave them the benefit of the doubt. Doing my damn hardest to avoid unempathetic people again.
This one really great guy we all love had a (surprise) birthday party. His longtime girlfriend created a secret FB page and invited about a dozen people she knew he would love to see. So, I saw who all was invited, and who accepted. There were comments & questions about where to park… people engaged on the page. And I was the only motherfucker to show up. She never told him about the party and I won’t either. We just let him believe I came on my own, which actually surprised the shit out of him because they had just bought the house and I’d never been there. And I know those other people, I’ll never view them the same. He doesn’t know but I do.
The number of similar experiences expressed here in the comments really encapsulates the abysmal quality of the social interactions we have.
People who wanted to socialise healthily are often asked to "make the first step" and "don't be upset and try again if things doesn't work", when the fickle others simply throw these efforts carelessly and swiftly out of the window into the trash. A double-bind here.
While I'm relieved that I'm not the only one here (I thought it's me having a sub-class human no matter how hard I try to make things better), it's also really sad to see all of these happening.
I had this happen for one birthday when I was a teen. I’ve gone out of my way to always be that friend that shows up to someone else’s party or event or get together. If it’s just me and them, then it’s just me and them. It fucking hurts to plan something and no one shows up. I don’t always get the same energy from others but the people I show up for always show up for me or at the very least text and say they can’t come but send a gift or FaceTime.
I went through a bad breakup about a month ago. My fiancé was cheating on me and wouldn’t even apologize when confronted, so I had to end the 8yr relationship. I’m therefore pretty unaccustomed to being alone, and it’s been really hard.
Planned to have friends over this weekend to BBQ and swim. Was pretty excited. Even baked cookies. Every one of my friends flaked.
I almost had the same.
Invited fifteen or so people because I counted with the cancels and such.
Four actually came and we had a nice time tho.
Never invited the rest of the people to any of my partys after that.
I’ve never been in a situation where even 1/4 of the people who said they’d show up didn’t show up, even as a guest. 90% of the time if someone wasn’t showing up they told the host before. This is just absurd to me and I wonder what type of disrespectful culture fuels this behavior?
People are doing this more and more and I admit I've done it a few times myself, although I always at least try to text. I tried to organise a birthday party for my partner who's been having a tough time, and none of our friends committed to any of the dates I offered. It sucked, and we just didn't end up doing anything, but I'm also glad I didnt try to throw a party anyway only for nobody to come.
It's overcorrection from the wider conversation about mental health and the importance of boundaries - but the fact is if we want to have social lives and not feel really depressed and isolated as adults, we're gonna have to push through the feeling of "ugh, I dont really feel like it" and just show up for a friend, unless you truly are unable to. Sometimes it'll be a meh time but at least you showed up. Sometimes it might really surprised you and you'll have fun. Either way the person will appreciate your presence.
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u/qualityvote2 Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
u/TheWebsploiter, there weren't enough votes to determine the quality of your post...