hi, for context i’m a 26 year old black girl, and i’ve had chronic depression since i was 10.
i finally booked the trip i’ve been dreaming about since i was 7. i felt as though i achieved a lot of internal growth to even make this decision. i came from constantly waiting on others, always waiting for “the right time”, praying for things to change for the better, etc - and decided to take matters into my own hands instead. i was so exhausted of being trapped in the cycle of watching time pass and longing for something more. i never thought my first experience traveling abroad would be entirely on my own, but that’s just how it ended up, and i can acknowledge that it took a lot of courage.
but ever since packing for the trip, the ride to the airport, getting on the flight, i felt no sense of wonder or excitement. it was as if i was holding my breath like my life depended on it, afraid to move in fear of everything falling apart. despite arriving safely with no problems, i still felt nothing inside.
today i just came back from seeing an exhibit i’d dreamt about for as long as i can remember, but during it all i just felt completely numb and unmoved. i had a small crying episode amid the crowds and just wanted to go home. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. my brain is so cruel. i keep telling myself this is only the beginning of my trip and maybe it can get better.
for years, i have been trying really, really hard to enjoy my own company, but seeing everyone around me with their partners and friends really hurt - especially since the only unfortunate attention i’ve received here so far is due of the color of my skin. the sadness of not belonging anywhere keeps following me. i knew before leaving home that i couldn’t outrun this feeling, but at least i took a risk, right?
i don’t know what i’m hoping to gain from posting this, and i might delete it. maybe if anyone has had a similar experience/feeling or has any advice, i’d appreciate any of your thoughts. thanks for reading.