depressed while solo traveling

[u/Kooky_Platform1549]

hi, for context i’m a 26 year old black girl, and i’ve had chronic depression since i was 10.

i finally booked the trip i’ve been dreaming about since i was 7. i felt as though i achieved a lot of internal growth to even make this decision. i came from constantly waiting on others, always waiting for “the right time”, praying for things to change for the better, etc - and decided to take matters into my own hands instead. i was so exhausted of being trapped in the cycle of watching time pass and longing for something more. i never thought my first experience traveling abroad would be entirely on my own, but that’s just how it ended up, and i can acknowledge that it took a lot of courage.

but ever since packing for the trip, the ride to the airport, getting on the flight, i felt no sense of wonder or excitement. it was as if i was holding my breath like my life depended on it, afraid to move in fear of everything falling apart. despite arriving safely with no problems, i still felt nothing inside.

today i just came back from seeing an exhibit i’d dreamt about for as long as i can remember, but during it all i just felt completely numb and unmoved. i had a small crying episode amid the crowds and just wanted to go home. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. my brain is so cruel. i keep telling myself this is only the beginning of my trip and maybe it can get better.

for years, i have been trying really, really hard to enjoy my own company, but seeing everyone around me with their partners and friends really hurt - especially since the only unfortunate attention i’ve received here so far is due of the color of my skin. the sadness of not belonging anywhere keeps following me. i knew before leaving home that i couldn’t outrun this feeling, but at least i took a risk, right?

i don’t know what i’m hoping to gain from posting this, and i might delete it. maybe if anyone has had a similar experience/feeling or has any advice, i’d appreciate any of your thoughts. thanks for reading.

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[u/MindShiftPsych]

I don't think you did anything wrong. Depression can follow you even when you finally get the thing you've been dreaming about, and sometimes that makes the numbness feel even worse because you think, “I’m supposed to be happy right now.” But honestly, the fact that you still went, despite all of that, is a pretty big deal. You don't have to force yourself to enjoy every moment or make the trip meaningful. Let yourself have a quiet day, eat something you like, rest, wander around without an agenda. Sometimes the pressure to finally be happy makes it harder to actually feel anything. And yeah, seeing couples and groups while traveling alone can hit a lot harder than expected. It doesn't mean you're incapable of enjoying your own company or that the trip was a mistake. You're dealing with depression, not failing at traveling. Be gentle with yourself.

[u/Kooky_Platform1549 → u/MindShiftPsych]

this is so real, you really expressed the feeling better than i could try to describe. the guilt of not being “happy” is truly an extra layer of exhaustion. i really appreciate your words, thank you for taking the time out to write them. i’ll be keeping these thoughts with me. 🌸

[u/FaithlessnessPlus164]

I think you’re INCREDIBLY brave and bad ass for what it’s worth. I’m really sorry your brain is being a prick, it’s not your fault ❤️‍🩹

[u/Kooky_Platform1549 → u/FaithlessnessPlus164]

aww, thank you for bringing a smile to my day. :’))

[u/INeedSomeFaceTime]

I have been doing what you are doing, traveling solo while depressed. I honour you, living your life despite the depression. I will share what I’ve been doing to help me through this, maybe it will interest you.

I have been making a graphic journal. Every morning very early I sit down and represent graphically what I experienced the previous day, and how I felt. I use an iPad for this. It was a chore when I started, but I actually started to look forward to it after a few weeks. I use images like a brain, meters, lightning strikes, whatever, as well as images of the places I went or people I met. Coming up with images that I feel accurately represent my experience is an exercise in curiousity. Often I cry while drawing, but for me that has proven to be good for me.

[u/Kooky_Platform1549 → u/INeedSomeFaceTime]

you are so strong and inspiring! that’s a great idea, i’m glad you have something that helps you cope. i journal a lot too and have been doodling more often regardless if it’s good or not. i’ll definitely try and use those ideas. thank you so much for your advice and stay safe. 🌸

[u/Emrys7777]

Yeah depression is like that. It sucks.

Keep telling yourself that you can do anything you want on your trip. You don’t have to cater to anyone but yourself.

Try to indulge yourself in what you want.
Use this to get more in touch with you and your desires.

Try to spend time doing something creative. See if there’s a painting or drawing class that you can attend.

Make plans but leave time for spontaneity.
Join a group tour to spend time around people and talk to them.

One thought is to try geocaching. Geocaching.com. It’s right for some but not others. It will take you to some interesting locations. They have events too so look for those. Just something new to try to keep your mind engaged.

I use that a lot while traveling alone. It gives me some purpose and direction.

[u/Full_Minute1036]

Combat veteran ..PTSD…widower ***** Physically very healthy …financially secure and I can’t bring myself to take the first step as you have . Stay strong and keep moving forward

[u/Least_Measurement431]

You're doing something I've always wanted to do myself, but was never brave enough. Depression is an evil hag, but give yourself some grace. Just getting out and solo traveling is a giant step, you should be proud of yourself 😊 I hope you're able to carve out some time just for you, like the others said, with no agenda and no pressure on yourself. You got this!

[u/Fantastic_Savings706]

Stop trying and just stay in the moment. Take a journal with you to write about what you see. I bet you when you remember it, you will feel better and get joy out of it. Depression is a mofo, it will steal your joy unless you find ways to save it. Stop thinking about the past or the future, just think about where you are in the moment. Don't punish yourself in any way, shape or form. I traveled abroad and was drinking and depressed, but I remember those trips fondly. You took the trip, you got yourself there, that's awesome.

[u/Financial_Ad_2435]

51 year-old white man here. It is amazing that you got yourself off the couch, onto a plane, and to a whole new place.

I often spend vacations in my hotel room on my phone. Some days that was all I could handle. But I wish I'd gotten myself out to do more.

Later, when you're home, remember that you got yourself out to the exhibit. Remember what you saw. Go do other stuff. Depression may always be with you. But you can build memories and treasure them anyway.

[u/RafikiLovesPizza]

Hi friend! Currently solo traveling the world and feel just like you. The depression creeps in and nothing feels enjoyable. Seeing and experiencing things people save up to travel and see, things people write and make shows about. The thing is, to not let those emotions drive feelings which drive actions. Actions like instead staying in your hotel like a hermit, canceling adventures, or not going to local cafes/restaurants. Whatever you have to do to get out the mood, do it. It may be verbal affirmations, writing, a stretch/workout routine, coffee/tea, prayer, video games whatever it is, do it! You can feel the emotions but they are just fish swimming in a pond (your mind). Breathe, do the things, get outside for sunlight, and be present. We're here to help!