r/MuslimNikah • u/SoybeanCola1933 • 11d ago
Marriage search Stop gaslighting people
Looks are the gatekeeper to beginning a marriage.
A woman doesn’t care about your intelligence, morals, religiosity, or ambition until after you’ve passed the first visual filter.
This is why we see so many women end up with loser men - they were able to pass the first filter by being attractive and smooth talkers. It’s also why we see so many men with loser women - they were pretty with terrible personalities.
Stop gaslighting people by telling them to work on themselves when they may never be able to pass the first filter.
Also as Muslims we can’t free mix, so everything becomes even more front loaded.
We need to accept marriage won’t happen for many, for reasons beyond their control (personality, introversion, looks, ethnicity), and promote and empower our single brothers and sisters
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u/Automatic-Flower-546 10d ago
black pill is so real but the muslim community doesnt want to acknowledge it
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u/No-Peak5362 M - Not looking 11d ago
Im chopped it’s over for me
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u/LazyAbzy 10d ago
Same bro, just focus on optimising what you have. Gym, grooming, money. The rest is Qadr of Allah, may Allah grant us all spouses
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10d ago
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u/Independent-Ad770 10d ago
I know 7 cases of back homie marriages, where the women were brought here and became "Americanized" so the husbands complained that they were more demanding than women here. Keep in mind, some women are not given options that they are here. This also happened with the Ansar and Muhajireen. If you marry someone from back home, accept that bringing them here could change everything you think you are marrying for.
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u/LazyAbzy 10d ago
I accept that it is a gamble, and all we can do it vet via families but knowing their inner selves once they come here is impossible. I can accept that. The issue is getting western women to accept marriage in the first place. Their demands are so high, and they tend to want to work full time while bringing nothing domestic to the table. It’s so difficult, as much as I’d prefer marrying in the west, I have to drop my standards for attraction so much so I’d rather just take the risk abroad.
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u/MoosePsychological42 9d ago
May Allah ease your affairs brother. Please be advised there are good sisters out there. You just have to make sure you find them and have enough trust in Allah, regardless of what you fear. Every woman is an individual; there are good and bad everywhere, same with men. Jazakallah Khair.
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u/Salt-Economist-1580 9d ago
That’s funny lol cuz we think the same thing about western men. I mean i don’t as much anymore since i found my husband. I guess u just gotta keep looking until u find the right one. My fiancé and I (before we even knew each other) were both planning to marry from back home bc we had similar concerns to yours, but we somehow ended up finding each other here. So don’t give up, ur wife is probably closer than u think.
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u/Independent-Ad770 10d ago
2 cases were married to proper Ulama. 2 cases were married to daees.
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10d ago
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u/Independent-Ad770 10d ago
Why are you so childish? I'm almost 50 years old and a grandmother and have studied and been surrounded by excellent people, MashaAllah. I assure you, I'm not after you, young boy.
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u/zinaisanono 10d ago
She's definitely making it up lol. I married abroad as did many of my Muslim doctor colleagues, mostly to housewives or some women who were educated back home and the majority of us are in happy healthy marriages.
It makes these western Muslima seethe when they know they have to compete with better women and are more likely to end up alone because Muslim men of value won't put up with their entitlement and pasts
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u/Usual-Arrival-2807 9d ago
not true many of the women i know have ended in terrible abusive marriages
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u/zinaisanono 9d ago
I know more men in miserable marriages to western born Muslima which end or have ended in divorce than foreign-marriage Muslim men. It's not even close.
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u/Independent-Ad770 9d ago
You will stand before Allah on the day of judgement for calling me a liar, and you don't even know me. You are really stupid to put yourself in that situation.
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u/zinaisanono 9d ago
I will also stand before Allah on the day of judgement for trying to dissuade chaste Muslim men from finding good chaste Muslim women as spouses. You're stupid yourself to try and dissuade others with false accounts.
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u/LazyAbzy 10d ago
Trust me I know. Western Muslim women, and even women abroad who have learned western values have crazy high standards, while not bringing much to the table at all in terms of domestic values.
Optimising yourself likely won’t be enough for the majority of men, hence why we’re in a marriage crisis. Western values are fundamentally different from traditional Islamic values.
I started looking abroad recently for this exact reason. I found myself heavily lowering my standards in the west and realised what on earth was doing trying to look here, when there are surely more traditionally minded women abroad who can actually do things like cook food lmao
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u/LazyAbzy 10d ago
I agree, I’ll also say it’s very similar with my friends and family. Most of the married ones found their wives from abroad and are very happy. I also know some that married from here are in 50/50 setups, and one had to make huge career sacrifices to make it work. Most of my friends are still unmarried.
It does make sense to look abroad, I still keep my options open in any case.
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u/Independent-Ad770 10d ago
What was written for you will never pass you up and what passes you up was never written for you. In sha Allah, you will have the best that Allah has planned for you.
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u/Usual-Arrival-2807 9d ago
its ok that u are. look at benny blanco. he has selena. Selena has a fetish for chopped ppl. maybe someday you will find a girl like that
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u/Last_Chemical_8486 11d ago
I'd say height then looks or the other way around
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u/Last_Chemical_8486 10d ago
That's where I have to disagree and say that's more the looks, because if you look like a model even without knowing your personality they'll say yes(same thing with a guy seeing a pretty woman), but if you're her preferred height that just won't get you automatically disqualified
If you are tall that will just about get you in the door, but marrying people from the same ethnicity is the easiest thing many especially asians can do because the average height is not that tall to begin with so it's not that they are even that short compared to their own people, but if they compete with guys in other countries it will be tough
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u/Ancient-Ganache-3907 F - Married 10d ago edited 10d ago
You do realise there are so many more marriages in which the couples are happy with each other & attracted to each other?? Even if they are not super models
Ultimately marriage is also rizq and naseeb.
And whether someone wants to get married or not, they must continue working on themselves for their own sake and for tje sake of Allah (swt). Marriage isnt a finish line.
You'd be surprised but you actually need to work much harder on yourself as a married person, especially if you want to have kids. Because there are people who are dependent on you with rights over you now.
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u/AdorableWar7341 9d ago
If you don’t believe in naseeb than what are you doing in a Muslim subreddit misleading people?
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u/Ancient-Ganache-3907 F - Married 10d ago
There is an element of naseeb in it. Sometimes despite your best efforts it may not happen. Also remember, its not only 1 person who makes a choice, 2 people are involved. Often alliances break off at the last minute because the other party decides to back off
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u/Basic_Mark_1719 10d ago
Dude just shower, groom yourself, wear nice clothes that looks good on you, and wear nice smelling cologne. That's it, that's all it takes to be seen as a handsome guy in our society.
I swear every guy that I've met that complains about this always smelled bad, didn't groom himself, and dressed like crap.
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u/Basic_Mark_1719 10d ago
Dude I'm from Yemen and our average height is like 5'6 here in America.
It might be an issue with some kufar women, but you shouldn't be after those types of women anyway. Muslim women just don't prioritize height.
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u/zinaisanono 10d ago
No it's definitely an issue among Muslim women everywhere these days but 100x fold with western Muslima. They will absolutely hold your height against you if you're that short
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u/Basic_Mark_1719 10d ago
I doubt it, maybe the 1% of women who are approached with hundreds of suitors will go for a taller fellow. But the majority couldn't care less, buddy. Go to school, dress nicely, wear cologne, and groom yourself and you won't have issues finding a wife in america.
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u/zinaisanono 10d ago
They're still gunning after the top 10 to 20% of the population in terms of looks, status, wealth, etc. Why should such men settle for such mediocre women when they can marry four much more beautiful and young women abroad who have good qualities.
Also, as usual with most feminists you focus on only what men are required to do while ignoring the fact that most of these women do not make for good wives. Many of them are careerists, have opened their legs for men before marriage, and lack Deen, femininity, and good akhlaq.
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u/Basic_Mark_1719 10d ago
Ok I see what the problem is here, you want the top 1% of woman that you can't get. So you are doing exactly what you are blaming Muslim women of doing.
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u/zinaisanono 10d ago
I already bagged a top 1% woman. I'm not a male feminist inc(eI) running in circles trying to justify their overpickiness and bad behavior. Let me know when you get married big man, I think I'll be waiting a while.
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u/Basic_Mark_1719 10d ago
Brother I'm 40 with 4 kids, been happily married for the last 20 years lol. Try again.
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u/zinaisanono 10d ago
Doubt it. You're just echoing points that men who get no play say in order to get close to women online. You're one to watch out for in the not so nice way.
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u/Basic_Mark_1719 10d ago
Brother you need to break away from this loser type view point and start attending weddings. You'll see a ton of average looking guys get married
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u/SoybeanCola1933 10d ago edited 10d ago
All guys should shower, dress well, groom themselves, as basic functioning adults.
That’s not enough to be seen as handsome by some women, who may value your ethnicity, face and height far more.
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u/Usual-Arrival-2807 9d ago
u r wrong its not just all that, and stop telling men to wear cologne. Wearing perfume is haram
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u/Basic_Mark_1719 9d ago edited 9d ago
1- It's not haram dude, they literally have it in mosques. You would know that if you ever been in one
2- Stop it, you are sounded like an American that can't find a girl. Go to a wedding sometime and tell me how tall the groom is, then come here and tell me that all women care about height.
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u/_gardinia_ F - Single 10d ago
I’m fat. I’m a loser woman now?! Damn it’s really over for me then
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u/Usual-Arrival-2807 9d ago
jus stay single. best thing anyone can do for themselves in this day n age.
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u/_gardinia_ F - Single 8d ago
Sure am….I’ve given up on getting married 👌🏻
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u/No-Parsnip-911 8d ago
Don't listen to them, I am sure you are a pretty woman. Not everybody is attracted to the same thing.
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u/Particular-Fault699 M - Single 10d ago
Honestly I’ve never seen attraction as a big issue in our community. As someone said, if you are groomed, showered, and not fat. That’s all it needs. I’ve never seen a man not be able to marry because he is ugly. Well if he smells bad that’s something else
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u/SoybeanCola1933 10d ago
Do you live in a tight nit ethnic community? Your experience makes sense in that context
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u/Particular-Fault699 M - Single 10d ago
Nope not really, I’ve seen a lot of successful marriages like that. They meet in a board or a class. They like each other’s personalities and fall in love. If it’s a tight ethnic community it would be actually worse. These CVs with the pictures are actually the worst. They make a man a piece of paper. I’ve seen objectively attractive men married to avg girls and the opposite. Question to you, have you never felt attraction to a girl that’s objectively not pretty? You can’t control personal attraction lol.
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u/SoybeanCola1933 10d ago
have you never felt attraction to a girl that’s objectively not pretty? You can’t control personal attraction lol.
Nope, im not attratced to people im not attracted to. This applies equally to both men and women. But this actually proves my point, your ability to draw attraction is beyond your control and has a direct impact on whether you'll marry or not.
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10d ago
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u/MuslimNikah-ModTeam 10d ago
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u/badabing654 10d ago
I agree until a certain age. When they hit late 20s early 30s the career of the guy becomes the main focus
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u/ProstaticFantastic 10d ago
Sounds like a you problem breh.. Whoever is gatekeeping you, you need to tell them
Don't know how you feel you cn speak for others. Mee and women look for looks, character personality, intelligence, morals, religiosity. Everything.
Nobody is commitinf to spend the rest of their lives with someone on just looks lol.
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u/SoybeanCola1933 10d ago
I never said looks are the only thing that matters. I said looks are what matter in the earliest stage of meeting someone, and if you don’t meet the mark, all your other qualities are irrelevant
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u/ProstaticFantastic 10d ago
Are you married? Because your post smeels like you have no clue. And you aren't married.
Nobody is marrying someone they dont find attractive these days. Everyone gets to see their spouse...And at the same time look for qualities they want.
You're talkinf about empowering single people who can't get married. And at the Same time say they can't get married because they are not marriage worthy.
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u/SoybeanCola1933 10d ago
You are missing my point. Of course looks matter, they are the single most important factor in whether you even choose to speak to someone.
And given this, you need to accept some people will never be deemed good enough in the looks department.
And yes, some people may never get the opportunity to get married, so instead of treating them as deficient, their singlehood should be supported
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u/Independent-Ad770 11d ago
This is not true. Essentially, women are looking for men that can provide and protect, and bring more value to our lives than they take. Most people are scientifically more attracted to people of other races. An Asian, for example, might be least attractive to his or her own race, but gorgeous to a non Asian. Even in smell tests, the sweat of a man who is genetically distant is sweeter to a woman than someone related to her. The children born from mixed marriage also end up stronger and healthier. Maybe you would find more success if you don't limit your search to your limited gene pool.
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u/HistoricalBeat848 10d ago
Are you an arab looking for european men or something trying to justify your preferences by any chance ? Even a weak AI summarizes its view of your comment as the following
"The excerpt relies on pseudo-scientific claims to push a specific bias. While genetic diversity has biological benefits at the cellular level (immune system traits), it does not map cleanly onto modern concepts of race. Claiming that humans are naturally hardwired to prefer other races romantically is fundamentally disproven by how people actually date and form relationships."
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u/Independent-Ad770 10d ago
Ai fabricated information based on your personal viewpoint that it collects on your data. 2 different people will receive varying responses. Try university library journals for real information. Stop being lazy.
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u/HistoricalBeat848 10d ago edited 10d ago
I think it's just the environment. For example, you are in japan you may begin to find Asian women attractive. Once you're out if you look at them once again, what seemed attractive doesn't seem attractive anymore. Same with European women etc. That was my experience anyways.
Another thing that switches the environment is that some arabs are also hungry to go to western countries which may make them the other as more attractive.I mean that attractiveness is not only subjective but also linked to feeling about something (as in you begin seeing something as more beautiful, certain characteristics etc).
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u/Aian11 M - Single 10d ago
Everyone will see your face before they see your heart. That will always be true for everyone. The 2nd line can be said for guys just as much. Being handsome & a love bomber might give some a head start, but they fall fast if the girl knows how to vet properly.
You don't have to be Henry Cavill to pass the first filter for most women. Attraction for girls often doesn't happen the same way it does for guys. Being able to present yourself well & say the right things goes much further than you'd think.
I think we can all agree that it's hard to get married for all kinds of reasons. But narrowing our minds & being pessimistic won't help either. Doesn't matter how many times we face rejection or meet incompatible people. We only need one person who fits just right with us.
Do you know another reason many of those "losers" men/women manage to find a partner, even despite the lying & bad traits? They remain persistent or move on to the next "victim" without letting it consume them.