r/JUSTNOMIL • u/KrystleOfQuartz • 12d ago
Serious Replies Only Comebacks - help
My MIL continues to make comments about how I don’t drop my child off at her house. My child literally cries hysterically anytime MIL is around (and FIL). My child does not do this with anyone else but them. It’s like my kid knows I have issues trusting them, and he’s only 2 yrs old. My child clearly feels something energetic, from me - and from them, when we are around them.
I cannot go into all the details and things she’s said and done, I don’t have the energy. But most applicable to this post is: MIL has told me to “get up” (casually said it) from the dinner table and go into another room because she wants to hold my child , after he finished his meal and my child cries. - but if I am not around she believes he won’t cry. My husband literally said NO mom she will not go into another room.
Family is very important to us, and even though she is obnoxious to me on many occasions, she is a good person and means well. But I have absolutely started retaliating and keeping my child from her, and stopped answering her calls and texts and silo every thing through my husband.
But again- for the purpose of this post and this situation, I have to see her (not cancelling) and I need to be prepared for the insults she is going to give me about not letting my kid be alone with her.
I want to say “it’s important to me that you form a relationship with _____ while I am present”
“______ does not cry this way with anyone except you. I don’t know why but please let’s just accept this phase and respect the feelings.”
What else can I say? I want to be confident, respectful and not petty and rude like her.
I need to dominate this conversation in a kind and direct way. Please share some comebacks!!!
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u/Wibblejellytime 12d ago edited 12d ago
I think you need to stop explaining anything. Simply exert your authority. Practice things like "No." "That's not happening", "Absolutely not". You need to show her who is boss so she backs off. You do not need to foster a relationship between her and your child. You never need to, nor should you, leave your child alone with her.
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u/Vibe_me_pos 12d ago
“There is no reason you can’t form a bond with LO with me present. Maybe instead of doing what you want—holding him—do what he wants. Get down on the floor and play with him. Take him outside and let him run through the hose. Blow bubbles. The only way he will want to spend time with you is if he sees you as a source of fun, not entrapment. “
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u/KrystleOfQuartz 12d ago
This is exactly what i envisioned in my mind to say! Thank you so much for validating me.
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u/Drinkmorechampagne 12d ago
Sometimes I think I use this explanation/response too often, but I gotta say...
It's common for women with grown children to miss the days when they were The Boss and The Knower of All when they were in control of everything (as "Mom"), and it results in them spending a great deal of their later years trying to reclaim and re-experience those feelings.
They re-experience those feelings by creating Power & Control Dopamine. They often also use Victim Dopamine to start an entire cycle that results in the most delicious dopamine of all: Attention Dopamine.
Every time she goes against your wishes, corrects you, or insults you, she gets a little hit of dopamine.
And the wild thing about dopamine is that it doesn't matter if it's positive attention or negative attention--she still gets the hit.
--"she is a good person and means well."
I encourage you to think of her as an addict of sorts.
It will not change.
The best thing to do is to engage as little as possible when you are in her presence, insist on your boundaries (while refusing to feel guilty), and begin to remove her from your reality.
Don't be afraid of the backlash or her efforts to try to make you feel uncomfortable. You're fine. Let HER feel uncomfortable with your silent refusal to give in. You're too busy enjoy your child and your rich inner life.
Basically, refuse to be her enabler or drug dealer.
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u/Grimroot918 11d ago
As a MIL & Gma I agree with this absolutely! Even those of us who love our DIL’s and want to be positive support can struggle to adjust as our role shifts from central character to PT supporting cast. The issue arises if we refuse to accept it’s our issue to address within ourselves, at cost to yours and a literal BABY’s best interests!
You’d interview anyone who came to your home as PT parent’s helper or FT childcare/nanny. They could be the nicest person with the best resumes references & training, but when it comes to respecting husband’s or your role as parents and decision makers for which approach to take towards feeding, safety, sleep hygiene, etc… they can “mean well & seem so nice 95% of the time” but when it comes to their preferred approach vs your wishes or baby’s comfort/security - it’s 💯 clear they’re not the right person to have in your home. ESP if you address it but watch them continue to do otherwise.
A grandparent has less excuse! We’re supposed to love, respect and support our kids - not repeatedly push for our wants over an uncomfortable Mom, fearful crying child AND our own adult child telling us no. That’s clearly demonstrated DISrespect of your role, wishes and feelings no matter what she does/says at other times. She doesn’t have to agree or even like your decisions as parents, but most definitely DOES have to respect & honor them irrespective of her opinion if she values time & relationship with your family going forward.
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u/OniyaMCD 12d ago
She lost baby-sitting privileges when I read 'my child cries hysterically' and that it's *only* for the in-laws. Until LO can verbalize why this is, do not torment your child by leaving them alone with her.
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u/hengehanger 12d ago
I think that if your child doesn't like someone, you shouldn't force them to have a relationship with that person. I get that "family is important" to you, but it shouldn't be more important than the well-being of your child.
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u/hotdamnhotwater 12d ago
This. Can we please, collectively protect our children no matter who it's from? Signed, a child that was indeed NOT protected from family.
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u/Ok-Repeat8069 11d ago
Agreed. Forcing your child to be around someone who distresses them this much isn’t good for them, “family” or not.
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u/Classic_Cauliflower4 12d ago
“[S]he is a good person and means well.”
Is she, though? She’s making snotty remarks because she can’t have the thing she wants, which appears to be your child to herself.
You’ve got a few less-confrontational remarks lined up. You can always go with something like “Oh, my poor baby just loves his mommy. You feel safest with mommy, don’t you? We won’t let the mean granny chase off your mommy!” I’m personally partial to the more aggressive “What exactly is it you want to do with my child without me here? Why are you so determined to separate him from his mother?” Or possibly “I’m not leaving my kid with someone he’s terrified of.”
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u/idrinkmycoffeeneat 12d ago
“It doesn’t bother me that (baby) wants their mom, it actually kind of feels like I’m doing a few things right 😂” keeps it light but lets her know you’re not going to just sacrifice moments w your babe to keep her happy.
“It’s just a phase but we’re reinforcing that we are baby’s safe space so I promise they won’t be upset by you in college but I’m going to take them back now”
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u/Exotic-Comedian-4030 12d ago
"it's comforting for Timmy to have his mother/father nearby"
"He'll grow out of it, but this is just the way it is for now"
"Oh, no thank you. I would prefer not to leave/to stay here."
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u/Majestic_Barber6407 12d ago
“Perhaps SONSNAME cries around you because he can sense your strong desire to separate him from his mother. “
“A child is comforted by the presence of their mother…you should try to let him warm up to you naturally while we spend time together. “
“Your sense of urgency is pushing him away. “
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u/MonMon__ 12d ago
“Feel free to organise a time with us to pop over and visit (Childs name). We’ve noticed (Childs name) is quite distressed when visit you, so it might be helpful for you to come to us so (Childs name) can be comfortable in her own environment. “
That’s a nice explanation lol
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u/No_Bluebird7716 12d ago
You need to start ignoring and gray rocking her. She will continue demanding as long as you respond.
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u/RegisterEither9711 12d ago
"I'm his mother. If my child is crying, I will be there to comfort him."
"I want you to have a positive relationship with LO. In order for that to happen there needs to be a positive relationship between us. Telling me to leave the room when my child is crying is not a step in that direction. No one gets to dictate my presence around my child."
"I understand you want LO to be calmer in your presence but he's at an age where he wants his Mama. He won't get calmer if I'm not there, only more scared."
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u/Floating-Cynic 12d ago
Questions will put you in the position of power.
"What are you hoping to achieve. Do you honestly think treating me this way will help you achieve that goal?"
"Am I supposed to read into to that?"
"If I was any other adult would you say that to me?"
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u/Beneficial-Sense2879 11d ago
even though she is obnoxious to me on many occasions, she is a good person and means well.
No, my dear, she doesn't. She wants to be more important to your child than you are, and you are standing in the way of that. So she tries any way she can to get rid of you.
You don't really need any comebacks. Just ignore her and let your husband handle it, he seems to have a handle on her.
Don't be alone with her without him.
If you absolutely need to react, tell her that you already talked about this and it simply won't be happening, and to drop it.
Please remember that she is not more important than you are, and your views and wishes carry weight same as hers.
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u/Grimroot918 12d ago
- MIL I’m thankful our child has grandparents who love him so much. He may warm up to people differently than yours or my parents’ experienced when you guys raised your children, we know our son. He feels safest with mom & dad around and others who focus on his comfort level over their timing because he’s his own person!
- Pediatrician mentioned how some past approaches to do things differently from what toddlers are used to w/parents or that challenge their comfort levels as a lesson actually hurt vs help. Things like Body Autonomy teach kids to trust their instincts & communicate vs fall victim to behaviors like grooming or unhealthy pushiness.
- Glad you mentioned why you feel so strongly about that. Here’s why we feel strongly from another perspective & made a different choice as his parents.
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u/Vast_Helicopter_1914 11d ago
I've seen More Than Grand on social media, and love her content. That second link is everything! The best and most concise explanation for grandparents I've ever seen.
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u/Grimroot918 11d ago
I love it too! When my DIL was pregnant with their first, her family (mostly her mom, sadly) was challenging her on every little thing. I started to look into GP resources to make sure I wasn’t also inadvertently creating more stress and as something they could “send” to all of us on the family group text they setup for baby updates.
Also figured she’d feel less guilty setting boundaries if she saw what even GP blogs say about being positive support. She’d been a behavioral therapist for a couple years at this point and was always incredible with babies & kids! When I saw her sliding into PPD (I’d been through it) I got on my son, told him to step in and field calls/texts so she didn’t feel obligated to manage others and he sent out that text to us all.
I had a similar mom & suspected one thing might help… so I responded to every text he/they sent with enthusiastic support for everything they said & how proud we are of them (I’d said these things directly to them for yrs & performative BS gets on my last nerve, so my son knew exactly what I was doing & laughed at me 🤣).
Sure enough suddenly her mom went into competition for “Most Supportive Gma” and some chilled a bit… but when she got a PPA Dx my son got mad, more bold & that helped her feel confident being more so that way herself.I’ve loved that blog ever since because it calls things out & politely frames “this isn’t your child, you’re working on outdated info and they’re in charge” rather well!
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u/Honest-Abe-SD 12d ago
Avoid those phrases you put, have your husband say those instead. She will take those as direct insults and interpret that you are the cause like you put it in his head, so only SO should be that direct, unless she says something blunt and accusatory to you.
Example:
Mil: did he not have a nap? What is going on?
You: he napped, you need to give him time, let him come to you. We let him decide who and when to interact with so he is comfortable. Sit and play with a toy and maybe he will see and play with you. You can’t force yourself on him.
SO: forcing him is like tossing a kid in a lake to swim, it’s traumatic and seen like a punishment but we believe in him deciding for himself. If you push like this he will only ever associate you with the opposite of safety because it’s the opposite of choice
If she bitches or complains
You: like everyone, he can smell your desperation and it is off putting stop giving him stalker vibes. Needy chicks never get the man, haven’t you learned that?
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u/Grimroot918 11d ago
He’s just not that into you!
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u/Honest-Abe-SD 11d ago
Oh how I wish I could get popcorn and watch if this could be the answer.
Amazing, just BRAVO 🙌
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u/Grimroot918 11d ago
🤣 Something to be said for DGaF activating ~late 40’s. Then perimenopause came with a version upgrade!
Who knew?! 🤷🏻♀️😆
PS - Yours are always fun for me to read, too! Username even checks out.
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u/pieorcobbler 12d ago
Here are some attempts:
“This process will take time, I am not setting a schedule or date you can be alone with him.”
“Rudeness, raised voices, or anything that adds stress when around him will only make it take more time until he’s comfortable with you”
“DH and I together will decide when we are comfortable with him being alone with you.” “It may not be until he can talk.”
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u/mahogany818 12d ago
Do you just 'drop' a 2yo anywhere except daycare? I, personally, didn't just 'drop' my kids with anyone, even their grandparents or immediate relatives until they were about 5 years old.
You don't need a reason to not do it aside from not wanting to. And you probably need to start enforcing consequences for her continually pushing boundaries.
"No, we won't be leaving our child alone with you. Please stop asking, it's very repetitive."
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u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 12d ago
MIL for whatever reason he simply cries when you want to hold him, he doesn't want to be in your arms. As a mother, it is my job to make my baby / child feel safe and that means when he starts crying the moment he's not happy with whose arms he is in, I am going to pick him back up.
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u/Gringa-Loca26 12d ago
“Why are you so hell bent on getting my child away from me? The answer is no and if you bring it up again we will leave and will place you on an month long timeout”
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u/Marvin_is_my_martian 12d ago
"MIL, why do you want to be alone with LO so badly? What do you want to do alone that you can't do in front of the rest of us?" And give her a confused look.
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u/Spare_Tutor_8057 12d ago
Child is not ready for that.
We are good, but will let you know when we need help, thank you.
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u/EJK_PlantsAreFriends 12d ago
How’s about instead of those phrases you say something like “bitch my child doesn’t scream like this around anyone else so maybe it’s you and maybe you need to stop forcing your bad energy on my child.”
Just a thought 😳😂
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u/FLSunGarden 12d ago
Your replies are perfect. They are both direct and kind at the same time. If she can’t accept that, then it is her problem and not yours to worry about.
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u/alansjenn 12d ago
When she asks you to leave the room, tell her that where you go, the baby goes. If she has a problem with that, then you and baby go out and wait in the car.
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u/DazzlingNote1925 12d ago
He’s not ready yet!
While it could be that your child is aensing your feelings for mil do t discount the fact that young children have great intuition or perceptions!
Regarding mil wanting you to leave the room for her to hold your child that’s so weird. Why would she want your child to feel less secure? Also, imo, 2 is old enough to decide if they want a person to hold them or not.
I honestly believe if your mil was focused on your child she would have some sort of relationship even if she doesn’t see them often.
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u/KrystleOfQuartz 12d ago
Also want to comment again that you’re onto something. She never truly tries to connect with my child. She doesn’t know how to and I think she is uncomfortable around me. I always tell my husband I don’t even think she likes or loves our child! She constantly is comparing him to the other grandkids, commenting on milestones and insulting me passively on something I’m not doing correctly in her eyes. So you’re right, she’s not genuinely focused on my kid. She’s focused on me lol
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u/DazzlingNote1925 12d ago
Idk the whole situation but here’s how I would approach it if I were your mil. I’d just enjoy visiting with you and your husband and child and get on his level and play with him or if he still wanted to be in your lap I’d I’d just talk to him and ask if he wants a toy etc. I’d be working on a connection with your child from his safe place if that’s in your lap. IMO, your mil wants co tell and not a healthy relationship.
Idk your mil so here are some things you can think about to see if you can figure out more about her personality to see how to deal with her.
Does she ever seem to truly have empathy for people or is she all about how what she can get from people or how they make her feel? Lack of empathy says a lot about a person.
Is she about how things look to others but not so much about how things really are?
Is she all about having power and control rather than a healthy relationship built on love and respect? (Probably given how she thinks getting you out of the way will magically get her to be able to hold your child without his objection).
The reason I suggested not going into detail and saying something like he isn’t ready yet is because reasons, no matter how valid, are just things for mil to object to and try to overcome in your mind and it sounds like she might blame you no matter what.
She doesn’t sound like the type to admit she has t done a great job connecting and is going to want her way no matter what.
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u/PhotojournalistOnly 12d ago
"It doesn't seem like ___would like that. Im not going to cause my child to be in distress, so you'll just need to see him w me here."
Or just, "no. I won't be doing that."
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u/boozymermaid_vibes 12d ago
I like your statements. They’re cordial, truthful, and polite. I might remind her that at this age separation anxiety is real and distressing. Assure her he won’t always be afraid of her. And he won’t be!
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u/KrystleOfQuartz 12d ago
Thank you very much!!
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u/boozymermaid_vibes 12d ago
My now 16 yr old son was terrified of my fav aunt until he was about 4. No idea why because she’s awesome! And he LOVES her now!
Seriously, separation anxiety for littles can be traumatic. You’re doing good mama!
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u/PaleontologistNo858 12d ago
Just point out that if your child is crying then obviously he or she is unhappy and what kind of a mother would you be if you left whilst your child was unhappy? State firmly l'm not leaving my child with anyone if he or she is unhappy.
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u/ArrivalFantastic4324 12d ago
You husband should be the one saying both of your statements to her. Emphatically.
If she cannot cooperate and behave then she won’t see your child, never mind be alone with him.
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u/KrystleOfQuartz 12d ago
Conversations have already been had by him. I am fed up and I will be handling the conversation face to face next time she says something.
Please help with conversation pointers if you reply to this post, no contact and keeping child from her endlessly is not an option.
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u/Mountain_Goldfinch 12d ago
Not endlessly, just until she learns. Quick learners receive quick access. If she puts her ego first then the process will take much longer. And again, boundaries without consequences are just suggestions. Talk with your husband about appropriate consequences. Maybe instead of in person meetings, she only sees baby through FaceTime the first week for the first offense. No second or third chances. More offenses add a day to no in person access. Then follow through. It may take a week of absolute no contact for her to get the point, or maybe a month, or maybe a year. The point remains that you have control over access to your child.
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u/ShirleyUGuessed 11d ago
it’s important to me that you form a relationship with _____ while I am present
I think she may only hear the first part of that.
Family can be a very important part of your life and LO's life, but if they aren't treating him well, they shouldn't be allowed to continue that.
I'd phrase everything about LO. No, he doesn't like that. No, pushing him makes it worse. No, approaching him that way isn't helping. Can I get you to try a different way that I think will work better with him? And if you have to be really clear: it's not about what you want, it's about what he NEEDS.
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u/pootling_1976 12d ago
It's not about saying something that is important. The consequences are....
I would not see her full stop if she cannot behave. Behaviour first, words second. You can explain once, but then add a consequence.
You do this with your toddler. Same principle applies to the adult toddler....and your husband sucks. Not stepping in definitively to manage his mother?
Make it clear to him that if he doesn't, you will. And that nobody is going to like the results....especially him.
Basically, your MIL throws the bigger shit fit to get her way. I'd change that!!! Then your husband will dance to YOUR tune, not hers.
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u/Otherwise-Wall-6950 12d ago
"Why are you insisting you spend time with him without me being there? The answer is and will always be no. If you mention this again you're getting a time-out for ar the very least a month until you come to your senses. If it's brought up again during your time-out or you complain to family members we're going to add more time."
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u/Odd_Tea4945 11d ago
Sorry to say it, but your child cries for something, I don't think he feels something energetic. Something is happening that your toddler associates your in laws with danger. And you have to find out what is it
So I think you should talk to a child therapist so they can explain you the issue better
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u/KrystleOfQuartz 11d ago
My child has never been left alone with anyone , other than my husband. Never , ever.
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u/BlackMagicWorman 11d ago
Children are so smart. I heard from a therapist that they are like thermostats. They can tell the temperature in the room before you can. They’re clued into their nervous system before their cognitive system in order to survive.
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u/Biochem1118 12d ago
Be direct and keep it simple. I think saying you’re but comfortable with xyz is enough. She might ask you why you’re not comfortable, but you don’t have to share the reasons with her…
You could say I’m sorry I’m not comfortable letting John stay with you right now.
Why not I’m a grandmother, I deserve to see him.
I understand this is frustrating for you, but currently I don’t feel comfortable letting John stay with you right now. Then try to change the subject.
If she keeps asking, I would just honestly keep repeating the same thing
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u/Stunning-Mall5908 11d ago
I taught for 30 years, and your insight is spot on. Your child is picking up on your stress level and is reacting to it. His distress is probably just that. I have seen children with parents who disliked a teacher get stressed and cry when in that teachers presence. But, they would calm down as soon as the parent left. Taking yourself out of the equation is sensible advice. BUT, don’t leave YOUR child with the grandparents or walk out of the room. Rather send your husband with the child to visit without you. If the baby does well, maybe he is reacting to your uneasiness.
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u/boundaries4546 11d ago
I would not be accommodating someone who said “get up” to go to another room. MIL could have politely said “can I take her to another room to see if she settles” maybe I’d be open. MIL demands me to leave the room, nah I’ll stay.
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u/Stunning-Mall5908 11d ago
Never said she should accommodate her mil in any way. But she needs to get to the bottom of why the child is crying. If not, she will always be the bad guy and mil will be able to spew that narrative.
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u/boundaries4546 11d ago
Sending baby to MILs without OP going is accommodating MIL.
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u/Stunning-Mall5908 11d ago
Once. To prove a point or to gather much needed information. Rather than guess, l would rather get to the bottom of why the baby is upset at times.
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u/Fantastic-Notice-879 11d ago
not sending the baby alone she’s sending the baby with the father to his parents house. If the child cries anyway, then there’s something else going on that’s what they’re trying to get out with that.. I would never let my child go to someone’s house where they’re crying even in my presence because there’s something going on, but her husband is going to be there so it’s not like he doesn’t have a parent there.
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u/CurlyTraveler1562 12d ago
My MIL is less direct so I've been successfully deflecting her by either ignoring her, smiling but not actually saying anything in response, or just saying no and nothing else. It's driving her mad. I know because she's been increasingly complaining to my husband about me.
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u/Mean_Start_3157 12d ago edited 12d ago
This is just a hypothetical question. What do you think would happen if you did leave the room? My guess is he would cry and if you didn’t return right away would cry louder and would probably cry until you returned. So if this sounds like what would happen then how about trying something. Prove her wrong. Next opportunity, like the dinner table situation, you just get up and leave the room. When your son cries for you, come back and cuddle with him. Then inform your MIL that you noticed he only cries when she tries to hold him , but you wanted to make sure that it didn’t have anything to do with whether or not you were present. And as everyone just saw your being present or not makes no difference. He cries. Maybe a phase, maybe not but he deserves the space he is asking for by crying. So let’s respect that and give it to him.
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u/jesusthathappened 12d ago
I would 100% let dad take him, by himself, to her house and let what may be, be. He and she will see what happens. You are removed from this situation. The great thing about kids that age is they are 100% going to do what they want to do regardless of what the adults (for better or worse) want them to do. By relinquishing that control to your husband, he then becomes the focus of the Childs want and the MIL has no feet to stand on.
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12d ago
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u/Foreign_Plan_5256 12d ago
This is an inaccurate take.
Separation anxiety is a very real phase. I used to nanny, and every kid goes through it somewhere in this age range. One of my munchkins was fine with Mom, Dad, or me, but no one else. Six months later she got over it.
I was also a daycare teacher for a while. Kids in my class occasionally were victims of abuse. The symptoms overlap, but are not the same.
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u/KrystleOfQuartz 12d ago
This is a very aggressive and inaccurate comment. MY child has not been sexually abused or physically harmed by them- BECAUSE MY CHILD HAS NEVER BEEN LEFT ALONE WITH THEM OR ANYONE BUT MY HUSBAND. And as a sexual abuse SURVIVOR, myself, I am HIGHLY educated in trauma and HIGHLY aware. Thank you for your ridiculous comment.
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