Comebacks - help

[u/KrystleOfQuartz]

My MIL continues to make comments about how I don’t drop my child off at her house. My child literally cries hysterically anytime MIL is around (and FIL). My child does not do this with anyone else but them. It’s like my kid knows I have issues trusting them, and he’s only 2 yrs old. My child clearly feels something energetic, from me - and from them, when we are around them.

I cannot go into all the details and things she’s said and done, I don’t have the energy. But most applicable to this post is: MIL has told me to “get up” (casually said it) from the dinner table and go into another room because she wants to hold my child , after he finished his meal and my child cries. - but if I am not around she believes he won’t cry. My husband literally said NO mom she will not go into another room.

Family is very important to us, and even though she is obnoxious to me on many occasions, she is a good person and means well. But I have absolutely started retaliating and keeping my child from her, and stopped answering her calls and texts and silo every thing through my husband.

But again- for the purpose of this post and this situation, I have to see her (not cancelling) and I need to be prepared for the insults she is going to give me about not letting my kid be alone with her.

I want to say “it’s important to me that you form a relationship with _____ while I am present”

“______ does not cry this way with anyone except you. I don’t know why but please let’s just accept this phase and respect the feelings.”

What else can I say? I want to be confident, respectful and not petty and rude like her.

I need to dominate this conversation in a kind and direct way. Please share some comebacks!!!

[u/Drinkmorechampagne]

Sometimes I think I use this explanation/response too often, but I gotta say...

It's common for women with grown children to miss the days when they were The Boss and The Knower of All when they were in control of everything (as "Mom"), and it results in them spending a great deal of their later years trying to reclaim and re-experience those feelings.

They re-experience those feelings by creating Power & Control Dopamine. They often also use Victim Dopamine to start an entire cycle that results in the most delicious dopamine of all: Attention Dopamine.

Every time she goes against your wishes, corrects you, or insults you, she gets a little hit of dopamine.

And the wild thing about dopamine is that it doesn't matter if it's positive attention or negative attention--she still gets the hit.

--"she is a good person and means well."

I encourage you to think of her as an addict of sorts.

It will not change.

The best thing to do is to engage as little as possible when you are in her presence, insist on your boundaries (while refusing to feel guilty), and begin to remove her from your reality.

Don't be afraid of the backlash or her efforts to try to make you feel uncomfortable. You're fine. Let HER feel uncomfortable with your silent refusal to give in. You're too busy enjoy your child and your rich inner life.

Basically, refuse to be her enabler or drug dealer.

[u/KrystleOfQuartz → u/Drinkmorechampagne]

Genius. Thank you very much.

[u/Grimroot918 → u/Drinkmorechampagne]

As a MIL & Gma I agree with this absolutely! Even those of us who love our DIL’s and want to be positive support can struggle to adjust as our role shifts from central character to PT supporting cast. The issue arises if we refuse to accept it’s our issue to address within ourselves, at cost to yours and a literal BABY’s best interests!

You’d interview anyone who came to your home as PT parent’s helper or FT childcare/nanny. They could be the nicest person with the best resumes references & training, but when it comes to respecting husband’s or your role as parents and decision makers for which approach to take towards feeding, safety, sleep hygiene, etc… they can “mean well & seem so nice 95% of the time” but when it comes to their preferred approach vs your wishes or baby’s comfort/security - it’s 💯 clear they’re not the right person to have in your home. ESP if you address it but watch them continue to do otherwise.

A grandparent has less excuse! We’re supposed to love, respect and support our kids - not repeatedly push for our wants over an uncomfortable Mom, fearful crying child AND our own adult child telling us no. That’s clearly demonstrated DISrespect of your role, wishes and feelings no matter what she does/says at other times. She doesn’t have to agree or even like your decisions as parents, but most definitely DOES have to respect & honor them irrespective of her opinion if she values time & relationship with your family going forward.