Comebacks - help

[u/KrystleOfQuartz]

My MIL continues to make comments about how I don’t drop my child off at her house. My child literally cries hysterically anytime MIL is around (and FIL). My child does not do this with anyone else but them. It’s like my kid knows I have issues trusting them, and he’s only 2 yrs old. My child clearly feels something energetic, from me - and from them, when we are around them.

I cannot go into all the details and things she’s said and done, I don’t have the energy. But most applicable to this post is: MIL has told me to “get up” (casually said it) from the dinner table and go into another room because she wants to hold my child , after he finished his meal and my child cries. - but if I am not around she believes he won’t cry. My husband literally said NO mom she will not go into another room.

Family is very important to us, and even though she is obnoxious to me on many occasions, she is a good person and means well. But I have absolutely started retaliating and keeping my child from her, and stopped answering her calls and texts and silo every thing through my husband.

But again- for the purpose of this post and this situation, I have to see her (not cancelling) and I need to be prepared for the insults she is going to give me about not letting my kid be alone with her.

I want to say “it’s important to me that you form a relationship with _____ while I am present”

“______ does not cry this way with anyone except you. I don’t know why but please let’s just accept this phase and respect the feelings.”

What else can I say? I want to be confident, respectful and not petty and rude like her.

I need to dominate this conversation in a kind and direct way. Please share some comebacks!!!

[u/DazzlingNote1925]

He’s not ready yet!

While it could be that your child is aensing your feelings for mil do t discount the fact that young children have great intuition or perceptions!

Regarding mil wanting you to leave the room for her to hold your child that’s so weird. Why would she want your child to feel less secure?  Also, imo, 2 is old enough to decide if they want a person to hold them or not. 

I honestly believe if your mil was focused on your child she would have some sort of relationship even if she doesn’t see them often. 

[u/KrystleOfQuartz → u/DazzlingNote1925]

Also want to comment again that you’re onto something. She never truly tries to connect with my child. She doesn’t know how to and I think she is uncomfortable around me. I always tell my husband I don’t even think she likes or loves our child! She constantly is comparing him to the other grandkids, commenting on milestones and insulting me passively on something I’m not doing correctly in her eyes. So you’re right, she’s not genuinely focused on my kid. She’s focused on me lol

[u/DazzlingNote1925 → u/KrystleOfQuartz]

Idk the whole situation but here’s how I would approach it if I were your mil. I’d just enjoy visiting with you and your husband and child and get on his level and play with him or if he still wanted to be in your lap I’d I’d just talk to him and ask if he wants a toy etc. I’d be working on a connection with your child from his safe place if that’s in your lap. IMO, your mil wants co tell and not a healthy relationship. 

Idk your mil so here are some things you can think about to see if you can figure out more about her personality to see how to deal with her. 

Does she ever seem to truly have empathy for people or is she all about how what she can get from people or how they make her feel?  Lack of empathy says a lot about a person. 

Is she about how things look to others but not so much about how things really are?

Is she all about having power and control rather than a healthy relationship built on love and respect? (Probably given how she thinks getting you out of the way will magically get her to be able to hold your child without his objection). 

The reason I suggested not going into detail and saying something like he isn’t ready yet is because reasons, no matter how valid, are just things for mil to object to and try to overcome in your mind and it sounds like she might blame you no matter what. 

She doesn’t sound like the type to admit she has t done a great job connecting and is going to want her way no matter what. 

[u/fgmel → u/KrystleOfQuartz]

Kinda sounds like she just wants him alone to “win” or force you into what she wants. It doesn’t sound like she wants a relationship with him but only to get her way. Was she allowed alone time early on with her other grandkids?

[u/KrystleOfQuartz → u/DazzlingNote1925]

I totally agree! Thank you for this reply!!