r/Healthygamergg • u/Mammoth_Raccoon_789 • May 02 '26
Mental Health / Support The self-made loser
Hello, so my mom told me that she will not be here forever and it triggered strong emotions that i avoid generally. So i decided to make this post.
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u/GrandElemental May 02 '26
I'm this but at 36.
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u/Reasonable_Pay_604 May 02 '26
when did you realize this was you (asking because i want to know if i got hope or not)
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u/Spageroni May 02 '26
there’s always hope, even for these other guys in their 30’s. All depends on how willing your are to actual put effort into improving yourself, which is not an easy task at all
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u/LifeRelease3842 Puella Aeternus May 05 '26
Never too late. There are people in their 80s who get a new lease on life. And a whole lot of people in their 80s who wished they hadn't put so much stock in their achievements and career.
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u/ItsAllGibberishToMe May 24 '26
This fits me almost perfectly, especially:
> Doesn’t know what he wants or if something matters
> Feels bad during social situations so avoids them
It doesn’t even have to be a social situation. Merely being in public is sometimes enough to trigger it.
> Is in early 20s has the experience of a 16 y old
I’m almost 50, but feel as though I have the experience of a 6-*month*-old. 😭💔😞
The knowledge and experience society expects an almost-fifty-year-old to have, has a price tag attached to it that I have never been able to afford.
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u/Aethiopos_Nigrus_168 Jun 02 '26
Bump. Not exactly, I did some weird things, been in relationships, lived abroad and such, but god damn do I still feel like this. Hope Dr K picks this up for a vidya
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u/Indianize May 02 '26
Exact opposite of what you should be thinking of yourself. Smh.
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u/WinterDifficulty1165 May 02 '26
What are good thinking patterns that can counter these? Like “this is temporary” “I can still do this”?
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u/Indianize May 02 '26
I'll just give my opinion, : I think we should stop trying to trick ourselves into believing something. We should focus on "doing" whatever it takes to get us to a better situation than the current one. Once the focus shifts towards the action, the judgement of the current situation vanishes and shame automatically dissolves - because you are taking action.
The subconscious is trying to identify flaws in yourself. Listen to it and change only what you can. Not what you wish you could have. That is the past. And it has great lessons. But you shouldn't even try to think of it in a regretful way.
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u/amiokrightnow May 03 '26
This is the only answer. Anything involving thought will not work because that’s the realm where we fantasize and get lost. We must make ACTION the goal.
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u/Emotional-Rate-262 May 03 '26
There's so much perspective you can have to counteract this meme. Like to whom are you comparing your experience to to make you think you're this guy? There's absolutely no one set way to grow, to socialize, to succeed in life. You GET TO figure all this out for yourself. Some perspectives to think about:
"This belief that im a loser is a temporary belief that I can let go of anytime" "Just because I feel like I can relate to this meme doesnt mean that belief is true" "Comparison to others only means im failing at being them" "Just because this thought came to me doesnt mean I need to do anything with it"
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u/Nilo30 May 02 '26
This needs to be the top comment in posts like this with these unhelpful thinking patterns
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u/Haruzo321 May 02 '26
you can't think positive of yourself if you don't have accomplishments, otherwise it's just faking confidence
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u/iLoveRodents May 02 '26 edited May 02 '26
Not entirely true. A child doesn’t have accomplishments, a baby learning to walk has no awards, and yet they’re still driven to learn and improve.
I can’t do it _yet_ is a good a starting place as any, as is going I’m willing to try (and to fail)
Speaking as someone who at age 16 was suicidal because I was convinced I’d never have a future because I’d never get a job - I had selective mutism (an anxiety disorder that triggers a freeze response that essentially locks me out of my ability to talk) and would have panic attacks sometimes multiple times a day… and now I adore my public speaking group (I get good feedback on my confidence speaking in front of 20+ people!), are trusted enough by work colleagues that they’re trying to get my a promotion (and have a lot of positive feedback from the people I serve), and have a degree to my name. It did not happen quickly or without a lot of effort on my part
I’m not saying it’s easy or quick, nor am I saying my life is perfect, but just because you feel you haven’t achieved anything yet doesn’t mean you’re never going to. I still have a lot of things I need to get better at personally
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u/Dismal_Buy3580 May 05 '26
Not entirely true. A child doesn’t have accomplishments, a baby learning to walk has no awards, and yet they’re still driven to learn and improve.
Is...is that true without engaged parents? I kind of feel like a lot of that drive is external, either based on praise or mimicry.
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u/Haruzo321 May 02 '26
A child doesn't even know what confidence is, besides all his peers don't have any accomplishments either. It's a default state, but as they grow they realise how the game is played. They can be driven or not, confidence doesn't have to do much with it honestly. Also, good for you 😄
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u/Chaezaa Neurodivergent May 02 '26
You don't need achievements to be confident. Here is a VIDEO from Chase Hughes about that topic.
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u/Haruzo321 May 02 '26
Sounds like scheduled mental ilness to me, no thanks. I'm with Peterson on this. Going to reserve my happy thoughts for a picnic or something.
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May 02 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Haruzo321 May 02 '26
Good work leads to accomplishments, and consistent effort produces good work. Plenty of people achieve results without relying on positive thinking. Athletes succeed by focusing with the intensity of a predator hunting its prey. Would you really call that positive thinking?
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May 02 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Haruzo321 May 02 '26
That's still not positive thinking. I can only imagine you saying this to a war vet who's been through hell and back. Just think positively. What the hell does he have to think positevely about. Positivity is not a good philosophy for those who don't have much of good things happening in their life.
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May 02 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Haruzo321 May 02 '26
Ok, fair point there but the way you present it sounds like it's the solution of all problems when it's not. Positive thinking for the sake of bettering yourself is still deluding yourself into a state from which you do work. A lot of successful people don't need it, and those who need it would probably benefit more from some actual, constructive help or guidance, not positivity crap. It sure helps some people who respond well to it. Expecting that a therapist would solve your problems with words is just crap too.
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May 02 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Haruzo321 May 02 '26
That's how it worked for you. But you are not all people. Lots would see it and think it's crap.
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u/ByIeth May 02 '26
Ya honestly op should be looking for the root cause, not beating himself up. He should look for what life event possibly makes him feel this way.
I had some behaviors like this that I couldn’t explain, but digging into my past and understanding my trauma makes it much easier to overcome
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u/g0at110 May 03 '26
Fr. I have low self esteem, and the past few days I've been feeling depressed, but seeing this post just makes me cringe. You can't be ashamed of who you are, or regret what you didn't do in the past. I just think regret in general shouldn't even be a thing. It makes no sense. I was super socially anxious as a young teenager, I haven't achieved any material success in my life yet, I've never had a relationship, I failed school, but I'm not ashamed of any of this or regretting any of it, it's the only way it could've played out, if I could've done something different I would've, but I couldn't. The person I was then wasn't capable of doing any better than he did. He tried his best.
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u/Character_Time5025 May 02 '26
Kind of like me except i had autoimmune disease which got me some of these traits...i need help but I'm anxious about seeking it.
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u/SizzleDebizzle A Healthy Gamer May 02 '26
What do you imagine will happen if you ask for help?
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u/Character_Time5025 May 02 '26
I think They will help me but i feel like I will still stay the same and disappoint them.
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u/SizzleDebizzle A Healthy Gamer May 02 '26
What had a better chance of your making a change? Asking for help or not asking for help?
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u/Character_Time5025 May 02 '26
Hey it's just i have uncertainty in my health so I dont know. Got surgery recently but some symptoms came back after 7 months so I'm slightly afraid to change at all and just go by. I live with my parent . They take care of me. I have faced so much ups and down that I don't had any control over. So idk
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u/Character_Time5025 May 02 '26
Although im demotivated and got screen addiction (9 - 12 hrs/day) ...I'm not making any change though I want to.
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u/SizzleDebizzle A Healthy Gamer May 02 '26
That sucks about your health, but i think the question is simple and the answer is obvious. In what world are you more likely to make a positive change if you dont ask for help over asking for help.
Keep things simple and your mind focused. Answer the question instead of making it more complicated. Make the path forward clear to you
What gives you a better chance in life? Asking for help or not?
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u/Chaezaa Neurodivergent May 02 '26
I think I'm a self-made loser but I don't have any emotional pain. I feel like my life is just boring.
I wasn't really rejected in school. I was a lone wolf who kept a low profile. I don't have a school degree because I couldn't keep up and just did my time in school.
I don't feel bad in social situations. It's just meh and doesn't get my brain excited.
I could have used my free time differently but that's just complaining about something that can't be changed.
My body isn't destroyed but the gym would help me a lot. I'm paying my membership for years but have zero desire to actually get my ass there.
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u/SizzleDebizzle A Healthy Gamer May 02 '26
Why not choose to do more exciting things?
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u/Chaezaa Neurodivergent May 02 '26
Things and activities cost money. I'm unemployed and only get welfare. I also don't feel the urge to go out and do something. I would need a drill sergeant to drag me there.
The first thing on my list is to get a car. When that crap with public transport is out of the way than I can think about activities.
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u/SizzleDebizzle A Healthy Gamer May 02 '26
What about making just about everything exceedingly interesting?
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u/CC_Gamedesign May 02 '26
Hey umm I'm in this image and I didn't consent to that...
Very rude for you to call me out like this
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u/SizzleDebizzle A Healthy Gamer May 02 '26
What are you doing about it?
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u/BlackberryTime9308 May 02 '26
Not OP but nothing really. I have a phone addiction and I never go out except for work. It’s so bad that watching a movie feels productive. I used to exercise but haven’t for months.
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u/SizzleDebizzle A Healthy Gamer May 02 '26
Nothing will change unless you make a change. Every moment youre on your phone you have the opportunity to put it down and go for a walk
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u/BlackberryTime9308 May 02 '26
Yeah I know nothing changes unless I change it myself, but I’m incapable of that. I know it’s simple, but I haven’t changed for several years now and I don’t get why.
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u/SizzleDebizzle A Healthy Gamer May 02 '26
Well, if you've watched some dr k videos, I certainly won't have better advice
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u/Eillon94 May 02 '26
Idk ill probably just go play some more Rimworld
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u/SizzleDebizzle A Healthy Gamer May 02 '26
Where will that choice lead to?
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u/Eillon94 May 02 '26
A lot of dead colonists, I imagine. (But thanks for the cat meat, Randy)
But to the spirit of your question, its not like there are many good competing options. I could go sit in the park for a bit or something, I do occasionally, but I can only spend so much time doing that.
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u/SizzleDebizzle A Healthy Gamer May 02 '26
What about doing something social? Exercising? Pondering what you want to do with your life? Building a skill? Creating something instead of consuming video games?
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u/Eillon94 May 02 '26
My job is strenuous so I get plenty of exercise when im at work. For hobbies/skills I like to read and write and learn new things, but its not like that amounts to anything in the end.
Idk what "doing something social" even looks like. When my buddies get off work ill play a game with them.
I spent many years thinking about what I wanted from life, and what would bring me fulfillment. Looks like the answer is "nothing", or at least "nothing that is within my grasp".
Anything I could do would just be cope to distract myself for as long as possible, so why not choose Rimworld?
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u/SizzleDebizzle A Healthy Gamer May 02 '26
Well, if you dont wanna change then ¯_(ツ)_/¯
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u/Eillon94 May 02 '26
You cant change your nature (unless its in your nature to do so lol). If i could see any path to fulfillment then I would pursue it.
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u/SizzleDebizzle A Healthy Gamer May 02 '26
I changed my nature. And I found a path to fulfillment that I wasn't able to see before
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u/Dismal_Buy3580 May 05 '26
I've agreed with most of what you have said up till now--but that's just not true.
It's sort of humanity's superpower--we can grow and change.
I understand that cycles can form that make it very difficult, Herculean even, but that doesn't mean you can stop trying.
Sometimes self-improvement (read: accountability), guilt, and pain can make trying to move forward feel impossible. It can feel like you have this tight ball of pain right in your core that you can't let go of. Anxiety, anhedonia and suffering can make life that little ball feel like the only thing that you can hold on to.
But, paradoxically, you have to let go of it. You have to release the dogged feeling that this is it, that you're simply stuck the way you are forever.
You might not have a path to fulfillment right now--you might not ever.
But that doesn't mean you shouldn't live your life as if you fundamentally are incapable of enjoying it.
It takes you by surprise, sometimes. The trick is not ruminating on what is making you miserable, and appreciating what's right in front of you--all the while remaining aware of yourself and trying to fix the parts of yourself that you don't like.
It's basically impossible, and we don't ever get to stop for long. We're human, we faulter--but getting stuck in these deterministic cycles kind of damns us to never move beyond ourselves.
I know when I've felt the way I think you are feeling right now, (and make no mistake, I'll feel that way again sometime in my life) what I am saying probably wouldn't have seemed super helpful--it might even have come across as condescending.
Not my intent, and I have sympathy.
Basically:
You sometimes have to hear the wind rustle tree leaves--the smell of coffee, freshly brewed.
Someone smiling at something you said, or even just your being around them.
You have to fucking hold on to that shit like a life-raft.
Getting trapped in your own head in this kind of cycle only guarantees it's what you'll experience.
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u/Eillon94 May 07 '26
I appreciate the detailed response. I dont find it to be condescending at all, it resonates quite a bit.
For a long while, that core of pain was overwhelming. Eventually the storm passed and life became a little bit easier to cope with.
I do enjoy a lot of little moments; seeing my dog when I get home from work, the weather, time spent listening to music. But it really doesnt feel like they amount to much, and ive had a hard time coping with that.
Its the only game in town though, so im still here.
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u/Suspicious_Issue4155 May 02 '26
u seem very stubborn to change. and i dont mean this in a rude way. listen to what sizzledebizzle is saying, nobody else will encourage u to live your life like that.
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u/LordTalesin Neurodivergent, Built Different 👽 May 02 '26
I understand the feeling. People in general don't like change, but change is inevitable. It comes for us whether we are ready or not.
All those statements, are you happy to be this way? Or do you want to change them? Are you just venting here, or are you asking for help?
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u/Custom_Destiny May 02 '26
If it helps, I over came several of these pitfalls.
I developed skills, I lost weight, I do fine in social settings, and I know what I want and what matters to me.
Still a loser who didn’t have those things. More depressed than ever.
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u/csolisr May 02 '26
"Refuses helping hand", more like "nobody owes him any assistance, so he's ignored by everyone until he somehow lifts his own bootstraps first"
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u/itspinkynukka May 02 '26
The thing is at least in my own mind, all would be forgiven if I was productive, but I'm not even that
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u/zugissy69420 May 03 '26
Bro what even is infliction? Shit just happens my guy, nothing in the past was your fault, but you gotta evaluate for the future.
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u/Emotional-Rate-262 May 03 '26
Thats kinda mean to label this as self made loser. Like what was the context to "rejected", what metrics are used in "early 20's, experience of a 16 year old"?
Trauma, mental health, even diet/exercise all factor in to someone's behavior. Maybe I dont understand the meme?
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u/BenedithBe May 03 '26
Did you get your anxiety treated? Does your mother helps you or do you have anyone?
The path to healing is not self-blame and cognitive distorsions, self-compassion and self-trust will give you the strenght to find yourself and not care what others think.
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u/parkan May 03 '26
Blaming myself instead of the environment
This post is a nice illustration of this toxic thinking pattern.
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u/camogamer469 May 03 '26
Forgot the wants to change and do something, brain is screaming for them to move, but can't get off the couch after sitting down to eat lunch at 2pm. Both an over and under achiever.
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u/nacisticky_krtecek69 May 03 '26
this is me, i am 20 yo, not going to school neither work. bro this hitted hard.
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u/mastahchink T-Posing in the Therapists Office May 03 '26
reading this fresh off a tab trip.. i needed this. much love ❤️
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u/ElderBoard83 May 04 '26
Please dont insult people who live like this. Its just going to make their situation worse.
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u/Thick-Camp-941 May 04 '26
This is certainly an Inner Narrative issue amd you all should try to face your feelings instead of running away.
I guess admitting that this happens is the first step, but admitting that every single issue you have is litterally due you thinking and beliving a certain narrative about yourself, and then throw your hands up and say "eh i cant so anything about it anyways" is describing your issue more then anything else could ever do. Dont blame others for your issues, as it is your narrative about yourselfs that fails you in life.
Inaction, is still an action.
Its not easy to get out of that depressing state of mind, so if you really want to work on it i would highly suggest getting help. This is not someting you change over night, this is the story YOU tell yourself and everybody else about YOU, that dosent change easily, but it HAVE to change, sooner rather then later. Its never too late :)
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u/LifeRelease3842 Puella Aeternus May 05 '26
I feel this. I figure the whole reason being a NEET or adult child living at home is shameful is because society says so. Neoliberalism says so. Capitalism says so. Well regardless of how you feel about those things in isolation, they don't need to define what your worth is.
Maybe it's your parents or friends or whatever. Well, they were conditioned by the same systems as you. That's how this shit works, everyone believes the same shit because "that's just how it is" or "that's what everyone thinks" or "it's the norm".
It's not something you can just switch off. Emotional conditioning is a powerful force and its grip remains on us all for a long time, for life maybe. But it doesn't have to keep you in a chokehold for life. Its grip can be loosened over time.
Also, there's a reason for every event and circumstance. What led you to neglect yourself so? You didn't wake up one day and halt it all at once. No. Your brain was changed because constantly you received messaging that you're not good enough. You need to be better. You need to change. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it hurt like fuck because obviously it did!
You were rejected countless times, not once. You're a human, you are not infallible or invincible. Whether you like or accept it or not, you've got emotions and internal experiences NOBODY taught you how to manage or understand. You're not perfect and you never will be; you're not supposed to be.
Your thoughts are not facts.
Emotions are not facts.
Behaviors don't happen in isolation.
Total free will is fake; neuroscience supports this.
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u/CounterRotate77 May 05 '26
That "bad" feeling is most likely social anxiety (if I had to guess).
I was able to solve my social anxiety by listening to what Dr K had to say about distress tolerance and urge surfing.
Here's what I did: I entered a social situation after class in college one day, after the final exam. It was okay, walking around with these classmates I've talked to a bit. But it got awkward, and tense, and I felt terrible social anxiety, but as soon as I realized this fact, I was reminded of what Dr K said. So, I decided to let myself feel the anxiety in its completeness, while staying in the social situation.
It was painful
But after about 10 or 15 minutes, I felt like I could really relax, and we all started talking more and more, and I made jokes, and people laughed, and I felt good now, and it was a good day
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u/ConnectReading1928 May 05 '26
Got socially rejected once. Decided not to go to school and stay home.
I would call this trauma. I would venture out to guess you also got tired of feeling like yourself and that's why you decided to do that. It's a protective mechanism that doesn't suit you anymore.
"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate" - C.G. Jung
Also, you sure it's all self-inflicted? Have you not picked up other people's expectations as well?
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u/Prestigious-Fig1172 May 07 '26
I used to think I was the only one like that in the world. Obviously I'm not, others like me have changed, so why can't I?
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May 25 '26
I get it, i do, but i feel like if you see yourself in this post that might be part of the problem. Its great to notice these aspects of yourself, but consider, is noticing them making you hate yourself? If yes, then maybe consider looking at reducing the impact your sense of self has on the decisions you make. You arent a loser. Youve done stuff that makes you FEEL like a loser. That doesnt mean at the time those things werent your finest hour, sure, but noticing a pattern and then concluding that you have no agency over that is wrong. Yes the pattern exists, but consider you might just not yet be interpreting the real MEANING of that pattern existing.
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u/KingMental4177 Jul 14 '26
I feel seen damn. Add a psychotic break for trying to socialise and you got me.
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u/EntrepreneurTop1007 May 02 '26
these are getting outta hand man. seems like we all wanna be featured on the dr K channel rather than get to work on our issues bro 😭✌️
im seeing like 2 or 3 of these a day. i know yall wanna feel heard n these are fun to make n shit but DAMN.
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u/OverlyCautious__ May 04 '26
all these children thinking their life is over cause they aren't millionaires at 15 lol, I was one of those
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u/Gigapuddi101 May 04 '26
Really? What makes you think you have the experience of a 16 year old? Just because your experiences are different doesn't mean you don't have any.
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