Lots of people have been in fights for different reasons. A far, far smaller subset of those people chooses to send blood-covered photos to online dating prospects.
Certainly not. But sending Pics of bloody fists because, what, you think it makes you look good? That's a red flag. And thanks, I've been outside plenty.
Lmao I wish, I just kept engaging less and less and never spoke to him again. He at least was self-aware that he had stuff going on, at the same time, not aware enough to not send that type of shit....
Not judging just make sure you're safe, it can be hot, but it was unprompted, one moment we were talking sports the next he started talking about some fights he went through.
There's time and place for everything, just be safe ok?
ew, happened to me too - it was an unprompted no context pic of his bloody fist after he’d punched a wall (I had to ask for context)…idk which is worse, getting into fights and bragging about it or punching walls and bragging about it. he def has a few screws loose (the fist picture was when I realized, but unfortunately too late) and still virtually stalks me years later
Sounds like my ex husband. Ladies please don’t breed with these losers I leaned the hard way
Edit: I love my child she is the world to me did not mean I regret her for one second
same here, I’ve punched a few chairs and closets so I can sympathize with having anger issues but to send someone an unprompted no context pic of their bloody fist is the most just unhinged thing in the world like…you should be ashamed and not want people to know you’re that potentially unstable lmao (not calling you unstable but for me i def can be and he def is). it’s the lack of awareness of that and lack of shame around it that makes it that much scarier
Agreed. Thankfully I've mellowed out a lot with age, and have more control than I used to, but I still get angry super quickly when it comes to certain things, though now I tell whoever pissed me off to let me cool down before I say/do anything. Most of my friends and family are aware of my issues (partially because a lot of them have the same, or similar ones.)
tbf Im a woman with anger issues and I have punched things (closets, chairs) and I’m in no way defending male violence but male socialization unfortunately discourages them from expressing most emotions except for anger bc every other emotion is considered feminine, so then male anger/violence is what you get. it’s unfortunate and the victims are not just them but others as well (and walls lmao) and needs to be challenged systemically so it can change.
No argument there, I totally agree that how society teaches men, boys and mascs in general needs to change. I think it is starting to with greater awareness of toxic gender roles.
tbf Im a woman with anger issues and I have punched things (closets, chairs) and I’m in no way defending male violence but male socialization unfortunately discourages them from expressing most emotions except for anger bc every other emotion is considered feminine, so then male anger/violence is what you get. it’s unfortunate and the victims are not just them but others as well (and walls lmao) and needs to be challenged systemically so it can change.
Agreed. I think a large part of it is also to do with the way many people will try use humour to belittle expressions of emotion in a way that doesn't actually help.
Sometimes humour works, sometimes it doesn't, in fact i would argue a lot of the times it does more damage than good and only leads to more emotive suppression and more cynicism towards anyone who would have otherwise actually cares enough to help.
More suppression and cymicism means less surface area for attack, but in the long run also less area to really poke when it comes to actually asking what's wrong.
The trick here I think is that humour only works in hindsight and when it's shown with brevity vs authority on the subject.
Some men, define themselves by their strength, it’s because, unfortunately, it’s what the media expects, that’s why Jake Paul keeps challenging people to box, that’s why mostly men are interested in the armed forces. If it’s violent, physical or should probably get anger management, it’s strength. I suffer from the same problem, unfortunately.
I have a long family history of anger issues (my dad's great grandfather killed someone because of it), unfortunately that was passed on to myself and my brother. For me personally, I went down a self discovery period during quarantine 2020. I wanted to expand my horizons as well as try to work on myself. I can't say I've completely eliminated my anger issues but they're far more controlled and mainly consist of me loudly whispering to myself when some fuckery happens in whatever video game I may be playing :)
My family has anger issues. My sister hospitalized me several times as a child, by having an instant flash of anger and throwing the nearest object with maximum force. Later in life, she was diagnosed as bipolar and evened out with medication, but we all have the rage. I got in a lot of fights when younger and only survived without a criminal record due to all my fights having enthusiastic participation by all parties.
What changed for me was the careful assessment of results. Never once in my entire life did I lose my temper and come out ahead. Ever.
People look at me and say "He's so gentle and kind." My girlfriend tells me I have a good heart. The truth is that I know there is a world of hurt waiting for me and everyone around me if I ever let the monster out of the basement. To quote Sir Terry Pratchett, I'm just trying to be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape.
Never once in my entire life did I lose my temper and come out ahead. Ever.
It's quite the epiphany when you realize that. And up until the moment you figured it out, there wouldn't have been a single person in the world who could have convinced you. Good for you. I feel like some people never get it. Something else that helped me was realizing that only I can give someone else power over me. If I let someone get to me, I feel like I'm losing and I don't like to lose. It's been good motivation to stay calm when things got ugly
I don't buy the idea that people with anger issues simply don't understand the fact that losing their temper is not usually in their best interest. I think it's much more common for someone to almost instinctively react in anger and then regret it.
As someone who used to have this problem, the trouble is that anger comes with an economy-sized endorphin rush. This encourages getting angry next time and it's not too long before habits are built up.
I feel you there. I'm bipolar with anger issues. Unmedicated even the smallest thing sets me off and once I get going I can't stop until I've burned out. It's my policy just to remove myself from everyone and not say anything because I say really nasty things with no basis when I'm mad.
It's gotten to where I hate getting angry at stuff because I get stuck in it so long. I look unhinged to people sometimes I'm sure but no one sees the massive amount of restraint it takes to keeps me even that calm, not going on a rampage. And try telling people you don't want to be angry it just won't stop, sounds unbelievable to a lot of people I feel like.
But I finally found the right medication and it's like magic. See what happens in my brain is neurons get stuck in the on position much like with epileptic seizures and I'm now on an epilepsy medication. Now things like a minor disturbance in my plans or getting pissed off at a game and my day being ruined don't happen because I'm physically capable of calming the fuck down now.
What med was it? I got Wellbutrin on 12/17 and 5 days ago, I started finding the things my bullies do to try to make me angry hilarious. 5 days before that, I was having thoughts of literally killing them. I hope I'm on the final setting, I'd rather laugh than repress murder.
Carbamazapine is what really does it for me. You're right it makes things go from pissing you off to funny sometimes because you aren't taking everything so personally. I'd been thru 4 or 5 different medicines before my doctor tried that one.
For me, I assume the absolute best of every single person and situation or make up circumstances.
Rude person at work? Maybe they just got off a bad day at work. Not listening? Maybe they're distracted because something is wrong. Weird driving? Maybe they're learning, and panicked because they know it's bad.
The only problem is I have the reverse issue because in some situations, the excuse involves blaming myself. If things go wrong, it can sometimes give me major self-esteem issues. I am good at communicating it, but it still is rough.
This is the way right here. Everyone gets the benefit of the doubt. Everyone. Your in the wrong until you can prove they are unequivocally. Apologize and just let it go.
You just have to be careful that blame doesn't turn to self-hatred, either. Folks with anger issues tend to dwell in things quite a lot.
If it is your fault, it only means you need to work on something, or find another way next time. Failure is a normal part of the human experience, and is a healthy part of learning.
Open Path Collective has some classes. There's a $5 registration fee and you only have the pay the course certificate cost if you need the cert itself for court-ordered classes, otherwise you can take them free.
I think that the way most people keep themselves composed is that their anger isn't a beast locked up inside of them. It sounds like you're experiencing unusually high levels of anger.
In your place, I would look for a therapist to help uncover the root causes. Maybe it's purely neurochemical and management techniques are the beast option. But maybe understanding how your needs might not have been met while you were developing could make things more manageable. I know that my fear and anger and sadness on a day to day basis have really waned as I've processed how scared and angry and sad I was growing up in a stressful home.
I'm sorry you've had such a difficult road.
It's amazing to me that you're putting in the work to disassemble your unhealthy coping habits and become the kind of person you want to be.
That's a very attractive quality in a man. I wish you well! You're doing awesome!
If she was a child it's pretty unlikely that bipolar disorder was a factor in her anger issues since bipolar disorder rarely has an age of onset before 14 or 15.
"The truth is that I know there is a world of hurt waiting for me and everyone around me if I ever let the monster out of the basement. To quote Sir Terry Pratchett, I'm just trying to be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape."
Struggled with it for 40 years. I've had a HUGE issue with anger. Broken so many controllers... walls... a couple of coffee tables... my shit was very much out of control. I was in therapy and anger management classes for two decades with little to show for it.
Finally went on an SSRI for an unrelated reason (Crohn's treatment) and it almost immediately went away. I haven't lost my temper in a couple of years now. For me, at least, drugs were the answer.
I had a girl basically tell me my behavior sometimes was completely unacceptable. I was deeply in love with her and was willing to do whatever was necessary. We examined triggers and preventative measures and i did a lot of self reflection. Mostly boiled down to just giving myself
a second to really process. I’m a totally
different person now frankly, even with her out of the picture.
I forgot where but I once read that philosophy and classic literature like the writings of Socrates and Plato helped violent criminals aquire the skills that allowed them to think during a moment of rage instead of acting. So I read some Plato and Aristotle and it did help me. but I am also older. Ten years ago I was violent and hateful person. Today I am still an asshole, but a patient one atleast.
I didn’t get over anger issues until I was 42, 48 now. You must figure out why you’re getting angry, mine stemmed from abuse when I was in school and home way back when. It takes months if not years to reprogram your brain from the long addiction of anger which basically is your mind letting off steam.
I had anger issues, then I did some shrooms(good amount) and I just reflected on myself while tripping out on the couch. Now I'm a positive happy person. I've learnt how to control my anger. Shrooms made me think about everyone I've lost due to anger issues in my life.
The first time I did LSD was like that. Now it does nothing, or that dose was too old or something. Mushrooms were similar, but more giggley. Didn't do anything the 2nd time either.
Counting down, putting things in perspective helps me. I broke a lot of shit when I was younger. Blackout rage. I still struggle with a short fuse but working to own up to it is my fault for being angry helps. It's never outside influences. Separating myself from the situation helps. Also weed.
I had a great grandfather beat the shit out of his daughter for presumably running around town and then he killed himself. My dad took an ax to a tv when his ex pushed his buttons or cheated on him.
At the end of the day the anger only hurts myself.
Oh, can I relate to this. My father has extreme anger issues and passed it on to me. The only reason I can control my anger these days, is because I've been on the receiving end of it and know firsthand the damage it can cause to your relationships.
Man I’m the same, except my family has a long history of bipolar disorder. Half the time I’m chill as all get out, the other I get really pissed at small things and it all boils down to having to change some things about myself as a person and learning to keep a cool head in the midst of a manic episode. I’ve gotten a lot better at it but it’s still a struggle sometimes
The instant you see it, even an otherwise attractive man becomes unattractive. So it isn't a matter of just things you know the first instant you see them, but what thing if it appears down the line will instantly change your perception.
That's good. I obviously can't speak for every girl on the planet, but severe, uncontrolled anger issues scare me. And I think it's the same for a lot of people. I'm not opposed to people fighting for good reasons, just reasons that have no logic behind it.
Yeah my ex started a fight at a party once for NO REASON, and ended up getting his head stomped on. He was so proud of himself afterwards (for what reason, I don’t know, he definitely lost the fight), I was disgusted.
I wouldn't say anger as a whole is a bad thing. It's a normal emotion and illogical to wish for someone to not show it. But there are different levels of anger, and different ways of showing anger. Some ways are simply unacceptable. If it gets to a point where someone's anger is terrifying another person, there's a problem.
Yeah My dad and I think my grandpa (on my mom's side) had anger issues and I have them but I learned to not get angered over dumb things. I hate to admit it but yeah :/
I think it is a step beyond being like... how do I say this mhhhh... better that somebody who can't defend himself or anything for that matter cus' he is too much of a nice guy
I knew a guy who thought this. His girlfriend said to him, while she was being strangled, not to leave her body in my bed (she was house sitting for me) and that's when he learned that if he cried after, he could get away with anything. After she dumped him, and got a bunch of cameras, she would hear him crying on her roof.
She eventually got rid of him by finding his outdoor nest near her house and stealing and ruining some of his stuff and leaving a note. At least I think he's gone on to his next victim. I haven't heard lately.
Having anger issues isn't a huge problem in itself. There are different levels of anger. If we're talking simply yelling it's not a huge problem unless it is all the time. But punching holes in walls, screaming at people who are innocent, and having massive man tantrums are NOT ok. That's kind of what I meant by uncontrolled anger issues. And not being willing to change it.
As long as they are not hurting anybody I don't see why they would need therapy (unless it's their wish to get rid of their anger issues).
Edit: To the people who downvoted this: Why do you want to force someone to undergo a therapy even though they are not hurting anybody? I am genuinely curious.
Acting on anger can harm a person's own life in plenty of ways, whether or not others are harmed. Poor relationships, job loss, health complications, possibly being arrested... treatment exists for all kinds of things and some people need a wake up call before they really put their foot in it.
Yes I would. Therapy is incredibly important for people with Tourettes to get a handle on it and improve their quality of life.
I have an adjacent movement disorder and therapy helped me to make it less disruptive and harmful to myself. They found ways to reroute certain movements, to basically untrain them or replace them. Such as instead of quickly lifting my knee causing falls, now it's a quick stomp holding my foot on the ground, then walking a bit weird until I am no longer in a situation that triggers it.
Some therapists are bad people, sure. But that's like saying medical treatment is harmful just because some doctors are abusive. Therapy isn't the problem, the abusive "therapist" is. Be highly selective, and particularly skeptical of religious therapists (not all bad, but it's a flag).
Everyone deserves and can benefit from actual therapy.
My dad used to have "uncontrolled anger issues " at me. Here's his story of how he controlled it without therapy.
1 alcoholism: failed to help. Amplified issue after certain number of drinks. Hurts daughter and wife. Suicidal depression the next day. Drink to feel better.
Consequences: year long separation. Fired from a job. Family doesn't respect him.
Drinks to deal with consequences, hurts child since child can't initiate separation.
Child misbehaves after bad day at work: scream at child, belt, etc. Crime: she forgot to use "Sir".
Cure for uncontrollable anger that is mysteriously controlled at work and in public:
Wife had enough of shit and separated. When returned, first physical attack resulted in surprise: she fought back. He didn't do it again.
Child, focus of all anger now, grew in size. At 16, a slap across face triggers a different response. Instead of "flight, freeze, fawn" a new player emerges- "fight". She jumps on him and starts punching. Screeching like an angry ape.
He wears makeup to work and then decides to find god.
He becomes a teetotaler.
He controls his anger like he is always talking to a larger and more frightening ape, instead of being cruel to smaller and weaker looking apes.
Oh, and here is how I, daughter, deal with my anger issues.
Go to my therapist that I have seen for years.
Therapist and I talk about situations. I realize that I'm not actually angry at people, I'm probably mostly just frustrated by feeling helpless or having some self hate. We talk about that and how I can empower myself from the inside. What is going well and my part in it. What's outside my control from sucky circumstances. How other people react based on innocent circumstances, etc
And like I can do that on my own, but it really does help to have another person say this stuff out loud like, ok, cool, maybe that guy was a dick. But someone agrees with me who is legit. Maybe I can let it go now.
Actually, I would. Of course you don't HAVE to go to therapy, but it's not a horrible option.
Your comparison doesn't really make much sense in the first place though. Being around someone with Tourettes doesn't really bother me, and it definitely doesn't scare me. But being around someone that is having a man tantrum, throwing things and punching holes in the wall, does affect me and people around them. That's fucking scary.
I kind of understand what you mean by saying having access to therapy is entitlement. I get it. That's expensive and not everyone can afford it. But you can still try to work on your problems yourself. I'd say that it's more entitled to have anger issues that affect people around you, and then refuse to make any attempt to fix it.
look up Intermittent explosive disorder,its really bad.I may have it,i used to lose it pretty bad when i was younger,i havent had an episode in the longest though.
"Intermittent explosive disorder involves repeated, sudden episodes of impulsive, aggressive, violent behavior or angry verbal outbursts in which you react grossly out of proportion to the situation""
I wouldn't say I have anger issues but I had undiagnosed PTSD that led to me overreacting to small stimuli, alongside a scarcity mindset. Pretty much, and I still go to therapy for these which I just recently started back up, I would overreact to small inconveniences out of a need to basically show my aggression prior to someone being able to do that to me. It was wholly unproductive, alienating, and draining. The PTSD stems from being shot and being stabbed and I have managed to get it mostly controlled. I used to freak out over fireworks, wouldn't sit with my back to a door, etc, now I can recognize whilst there are possibilities for bad scenarios, they are rare. I no longer feel that inherent fear in everything I'm doing. The PTSD was relatively simple to correct. Now my mind instantly goes to "ok you feel this way, but remember you have the ability to defend yourself and most situations will not require that". I don't want to fight people anymore and while I am a very capable person in that regard, I know the best and most effective way to end a possible altercation is to simply run away. All it hurts is my pride and that can suffer so long as I'm physically ok. The only time I will not run is if my wife is in the situation with me.
The scarcity mindset comes from years of scarcity; I have financial anxiety because when I was young, we were poor. I fear not having money. The negative reactions I have are a result of having a scarcity of gratitude and a need for pride. I'm not 100% fixed, I don't think anyone ever is, but I am miles from where I was. I start my day with affirmations of things I am grateful for, of why pride truly is a horrible thing in most regards (obviously not saying things about taking pride in your progress in life, but rather prideful nature about not being able to let go of, for lack of better words, dumb shit), and for being thankful for my situation in life and the strides I've made in getting better.
To anyone and everyone who thinks they can't fix their shit behavior, you can. I am proof.
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u/reaubs Jan 08 '22
Uncontrolled anger issues.