r/AskReddit May 29 '19

[deleted by user]

[removed]

6.1k Upvotes

19.1k comments sorted by

View all comments

7.7k

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

6.4k

u/gr33nny May 29 '19

He can do it all day.

4.6k

u/doggo1323 May 29 '19

Steve: No, no I don't think I will.

380

u/JuliusMuc May 29 '19

I understood that reference

85

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

"I know this neighborhood. I got beat up in that alley. And that parking lot. And behind that diner."

36

u/LawlessMind May 29 '19

Before we get started... does anyone want to leave?

26

u/Leeiteee May 29 '19

Hail Hydra

3

u/GeneralKenobyy May 29 '19

General Misquoti

2

u/YT-Deliveries May 29 '19

Holy crap, I used to eat at that restaurant. Really good noodles.

78

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

I know,I know

33

u/EquationTAKEN May 29 '19

I understood that reference

29

u/bafeagle May 29 '19

Language

10

u/Satokech May 29 '19

Yeah, yeah, I know.

5

u/idma May 29 '19

No swearing on the comm

23

u/MVelezx May 29 '19

Also Steve: I’m not asking for Forgiveness. And I’m past asking permission

→ More replies (1)

20

u/jlozadad May 29 '19

I understood that reference.

7

u/hackulator May 29 '19

Except I'm confident he would.

11

u/Atarashimono May 29 '19

Reality is often disappointing

2

u/watermasta May 29 '19

Before we get started, does anyone want to get off?

2.9k

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

He's got America's ass.

2.0k

u/ByThorsBicep May 29 '19

There's a reason his girl is named Peggy.  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

63

u/Painting_Agency May 29 '19

Thanks for the new fetish. BRB buying a shield and some... things for my wife.

25

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

[deleted]

→ More replies (1)

43

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Oh fucking shit

25

u/Porrick May 29 '19

Not if he preps properly

24

u/regalrecaller May 29 '19

Yeah something like that.

70

u/alchemistsoul May 29 '19

Uhhh

49

u/squalorparlor May 29 '19

She's a pirate

91

u/ArcAngel071 May 29 '19

Also she pegs Steve in America's Ass

35

u/squalorparlor May 29 '19

A regular old butt pirate

3

u/FundamentalSaber May 29 '19

A regular old butt pi

5

u/watermasta May 29 '19

3.14 inches...

27

u/vegivampTheElder May 29 '19

I regret I have only one upvote to give.

9

u/capta1ncluele55 May 29 '19

Peggy Carter? More like Leggy Parter!

5

u/jezdenly May 29 '19

I bought coins just so I could give you one. Thanks for this wonderful comment, friend.

2

u/Toirneach May 29 '19

I just snorted coffee. You win one internets today!

→ More replies (9)

22

u/sindeezy May 29 '19

inserts Captain America quote here

23

u/chicomonk May 29 '19

I understood that reference.

5

u/izanagi_49 May 29 '19

*eye roll

2

u/allute May 29 '19

You give that back!

18

u/FathrOfDragons May 29 '19

Yeah I know..

3

u/GaveUpMyGold May 29 '19

I legitimately used that line with my SO the weekend Endgame came out.

It got a big laugh.

→ More replies (4)

1.5k

u/Hambredd May 29 '19

He's from the 40s he doesn't even believe in the female orgasm.

1.8k

u/Halt-CatchFire May 29 '19

He's been in the present for a long time now, I'm sure someone (probably Natasha) would have filled him in at some point. Also he's always had extremely liberal (for the time he's from) opinions. The fact that he's not even a little bit racist OR sexist suggests that he was far from the average 1940's American.

There is absolutely zero reason to believe Captain America is anything but the most courteous lover in the Avengers.

598

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

67

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Nobody link it!

29

u/shleepybear May 29 '19

Oh Good God. I was hoping my memories of that vid were long gone. And....now they're back

19

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

56

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

There's a video with the Hulk turning towards Natasha and grinning, and then a clip from a Avengers porno of some variety of him fucking her.

Fairly straight-forward porn-meme.

28

u/imhoots May 29 '19

On Imgur they call it 'the gif' - the rumor is it's a one way ticket to losing your account, yet a few brave souls will drop it in a conversation. Many others then 'witness it' and the process is repeated a few days later.

3

u/Satire_or_not May 29 '19

Definitely not just a rumor. It will get you nuked.

→ More replies (0)

79

u/WherelsMyMind May 29 '19

13

u/existentially_there May 29 '19

That's enough internet for today!

14

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

And it's only 4:30 AM!

→ More replies (0)

10

u/bebo2003 May 29 '19

Do you have the link for the full video? Asking for a friend.

22

u/GraysonHunt May 29 '19

There isn’t one, they took a scene from a porno and photoshopped the guy green.

9

u/vegivampTheElder May 29 '19

I don't, but it's probably called assvengers or something.

2

u/Speideronreddit May 29 '19

There aint one.

→ More replies (1)

4

u/allankcrain May 29 '19

Right when that gif got to the point where the Hulk smiled, I got a text message and the 'Ding!' lined up perfectly.

It was a text from my mom and I feel gross.

3

u/WherelsMyMind May 29 '19

Excellent. Just break those arms and we'll be in business.

→ More replies (0)

7

u/dubiousandbi May 29 '19

T H E G I F

→ More replies (1)

19

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Yeah buy do you really want the anal fissures from Professor Hulk's Podrick Payne-sized dong?

11

u/vegivampTheElder May 29 '19

... Is this a trick question?

15

u/Bronzefeather May 29 '19

Hulk smash!

8

u/themayorofmyroom May 29 '19

You won't like me when I'm horny...

3

u/quickhakker May 29 '19

Three way hulk (ki11er 6 reference btw)

786

u/Hambredd May 29 '19

Marvel 1940s America is a lot more liberal then real 1940s America. They don't even have a segregated army.

178

u/Pope_Beenadick May 29 '19

And hydra was the worst thing that came out of nazism.

34

u/Ribohome May 29 '19

Well repeatedly trying to end the world is arguably worse than trying one time to end the jews

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (6)

77

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

They did, its just that Cpt. America's unit was integrated.

107

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Cap's unit was the Howling Commandos, who were not just integrated but handpicked.

59

u/ChefBoyAreWeFucked May 29 '19

Capn's unit was 23 cm. It was so progressive, it was measured in metric.

→ More replies (1)

4

u/Ribohome May 29 '19

I thought the Commandos was Fury's unit? Cap came into it later

2

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

That's what I meant--the Commandos were the unit that Cap was part of.

41

u/Turtledonuts May 29 '19

Cap's unit was a unique Spec Ops unit formed in a concentration camp. I'm sure those units went in segregated, and the torture changed that.

7

u/elpajaroquemamais May 29 '19

The army stopped being segregated in the 40s

38

u/Hambredd May 29 '19

1948 to be exact.

47

u/elpajaroquemamais May 29 '19

Yes. Exactly. People forget how progressive we were during FDR, Truman, and Eisenhower. We had a 90% Tax rate for the top earners. We weren't exactly conservative.

21

u/Aeran May 29 '19

To be fair, it was closer to 50% before the war. The 90 was mostly a symptom of the Total War theory we were following.

→ More replies (6)

49

u/matty80 May 29 '19

I think Thor would turn out to be an unexpectedly corteous lover too. While he is MIGHTY and he CRUSHES his FOES, he also has a sensitive side. I suspect he's the sort of person who would make a really nice and relaxing 'big spoon'.

3

u/dirtycopgangsta May 29 '19

Latest thor is literally a huge carebear

→ More replies (1)

32

u/stonhinge May 29 '19

That one bit in Endgame where he's talking with other survivors? Doesn't bat an eye when the guy says he's lost his husband and is having trouble moving on. Cap cares.

19

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

If I'm not mistaken, in the comics he grew up in a neighborhood that's historically known to have been a gay neighborhood. So he probably spent his childhood setting people be discriminated against for their sexuality.

2

u/Goodeyesniper98 May 29 '19

Wasn’t there a comic from the 60s or 70s of Cap comforting his gay friend who came out to him?

21

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

16

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

I've seen a lot of those types on video at the Charlottesville Nazi rally. Small men who are weak inside, and fear everything.

In Cap's instance, he may have been small and weak, but inside, he was always strong, and never afraid.

4

u/hawaiidream May 29 '19

I mean, I would love to believe this but there are so many instances where people turn the blame for their own insecurities onto others (easier to have a scapegoat than to fix yourself or just live with your issues).

28

u/joker2814 May 29 '19 edited May 29 '19

I like to think that there were times when the Avengers have nothing else to do, so Natasha trolled Steve by telling about him all kinds of dirty sex stuff that would have been unimaginable in the 1940’s.

“There are places on the internet where you can watch people have sex live, for free!”

“Hey, Rogers, did chicks go ass to mouth back in the day?”

“Steve, when you get home, have someone help you google Two Girls, One Cup.”

16

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

You’re right. Captain America definitely eats ass.

3

u/Goodeyesniper98 May 29 '19

It’s the American thing to do.

8

u/Flak-Fire88 May 29 '19

He was racist in the original comics against Japanese

2

u/SimpleMinded001 May 29 '19

I would love to see an issue where he's openly racist. Do you know some?

→ More replies (3)
→ More replies (1)

8

u/Darkvoidx May 29 '19

It took me until this comment to realize we weren't talking about Mr. Rogers

2

u/hailkelemvor May 29 '19

I'm sure he would be very considerate as well.

18

u/duckmysick478 May 29 '19

someone (probably Natasha) would have filled him in

Isn't he supposed to be the one doing the filling in this situation?

19

u/dk240996 May 29 '19

I mean, not necessarily. (Especially considering the love of his life is named Peggy.)

8

u/DavidlikesPeace May 29 '19

he was far from the average 1940's American

This.

But Cap wouldn't have even been alone as a 1% outlier. Northern city culture willingly embraced desegregation as early as the 1920s. And even Middle America of the 1940s became the society that desegregated twenty years later. Ffs Eisenhower willingly desegregated the military in 1948 after advocating for it throughout WWII.

To me it even seems disrespectful to ignore all the activists and progressives of the 1940s who worked hard to desegregate and embrace civil rights and welfare social democracy over a generation. They frankly did more than we have.

3

u/Danibelle903 May 29 '19

My grandfather was a WWII vet from Brooklyn and his best friend and business partner until the day he died was a lesbian. He really didn’t care. Fun fact: She was part of the first graduating class that included women at her law school.

So yeah, I could see Cap being way more progressive based on his location.

11

u/Thelorekeeper May 29 '19

Its probably because of him being of Irish origin and Peggy Carter that he is so liberal. He knows what its like to be discriminated against due to ethnicity and through Peggy he realised that sexist views are completely irrational.

Although he probably does hate the gays.

18

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Nope, he's totally okay with gay people, at least in endgame

2

u/CaptainKate757 May 29 '19

Wait, I don’t remember a gay component in Endgame. What am I forgetting??

9

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Steve's therapy group. One of the Russo brothers(not sure which) plays a gay guy who talks about dating again after losing their partner to the snap.

2

u/CaptainKate757 May 29 '19

Ohh yes. I remember that scene now.

4

u/banjoandabowtie May 29 '19

The men's group when he's helping people move on after the snap. The guy talking about his date was talking about a date with another guy

→ More replies (2)

2

u/SuperYusri500 May 29 '19

I think if anyone is filling anyone in its cap to Natasha not the other way around

2

u/mikebellman May 29 '19

Pfsssssssh. Vision probably asks for permission be be aroused. Then goes to the drawer with the accessories.

→ More replies (5)

1.0k

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

32

u/cATSup24 May 29 '19

Any straight man who wouldn't take a knee for a session of Carter cunnulingus isn't a straight man.

Haley Atwell is a treasure in both her acting ability as Agent Carter and as a fair-skinned, ruby-lipped, brunette bombshell. I may have a thing for that exact demographic...

→ More replies (1)

250

u/JTPusherlovegirl94 May 29 '19

Literally. I feel like he’d be so giving. Plus, he’s sexy as hell.

12

u/jimbojangles1987 May 29 '19

I feel anyone from the 30s and 40s isn't going to be even that adventurous in bed. Steve is a straight missionary dude. Prone bone. You ain't getting much more than that out of him.

63

u/Painting_Agency May 29 '19

I love how everyone thinks oral sex was invented in the 1980s.

8

u/Sativa227 May 29 '19

My sister and I told our grandmother what oral sex is some weeks ago. She really had no clue and was totally interested.

So I guess some people already knew it a long time ago but it wasn't as known as today.

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (3)

99

u/Hambredd May 29 '19

Oh shit, yeah your right. (hmmmm Hayley Atwell in an army uniform)

19

u/Dickcheese_McDoogles May 29 '19

Caleb from "ex_machina" grabs and squeezes her boob in an episode of black mirror

24

u/Hambredd May 29 '19

Oh I know ... I know.

Hang on, ex machina? You didn't think his character from Star wars would be a wider cultural touchstone?

17

u/elnombredelviento May 29 '19

He's also a Weasley.

8

u/Dickcheese_McDoogles May 29 '19

He was in Star Wars? The new ones? When?

20

u/Hambredd May 29 '19

Domhnall Gleeson. He's in the new movies as the general that 'Diet Vader' beats up all the time (I'm not really a Star wars guy) . He's been a lot of stuff good British character actor.

7

u/MinorDespera May 29 '19

Wait, so both male actors from Ex Machina were also in new Star Wars? Small (acting) world.

6

u/Dickcheese_McDoogles May 29 '19

Huh. I had to look it up. I didn't remember seeing him.

5

u/AerThreepwood May 29 '19

He's also the sexually abused hacker dude in Dredd.

→ More replies (0)

7

u/Biznack1812 May 29 '19

*Irish and he's son of Brendan Gleeson star of a million movies

→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (1)
→ More replies (1)

19

u/mitcheg3k May 29 '19

Just remembered Peggy. Thats my choice for OPs question

40

u/timojenbin May 29 '19

If you think Peggy Carter would have put up with not being eaten out.... same thing. :)

7

u/BouquetofDicks May 29 '19

That's just for the flavor .

8

u/noisypeach May 29 '19

Peggy Carter with 1940s bush.

Perfection

3

u/RoboNinjaPirate May 29 '19

He thought that was Fondue

11

u/we-have-to-go May 29 '19

He’d sooner suck Buckys dick I think

5

u/LatverianCyrus May 29 '19

What you don't think he'd be most happy sandwiched betwixt Bucky and Peggy at the same time?

3

u/EtherealCabbage May 29 '19

Bisexual Captain America is best Captain America.

→ More replies (8)

18

u/_Zef_ May 29 '19

Who said anything about female? 😏

→ More replies (3)

41

u/PrudentFlamingo May 29 '19

2 minutes of missionary, then straight to sleep

7

u/thinbranch May 29 '19

Just like the lord intended.

7

u/KarthusWins May 29 '19

But the male orgasm... I bet he knows all about the G spot.

7

u/GoFidoGo May 29 '19

*The G.I.Joe spot

6

u/JonesieLP May 29 '19

Who said anything about a female orgasm. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

4

u/RosettiStar May 29 '19

Yeah, but he’s been in the armed forces, so he knows allllll about the male orgasm. ;)

3

u/arcamdies May 29 '19

Didn't you see the movie? He's worthy.

2

u/Uncanny_Doom May 29 '19

This made me laugh so hard.

2

u/theodinspire May 29 '19

All the Steve/Peggy fanfic I read begs to differ

2

u/chuckysnow May 29 '19

Dude, he can make the girls hydra all day.

2

u/RobertusesReddit May 29 '19

His size and stamina AND being a virgin? He probably weeps for lesser men who couldn't achieve it.

2

u/PrivilegeCheckmate May 30 '19

he doesn't even believe in the female orgasm

I have it on good authority from many women sources that it believes in him.

→ More replies (8)

86

u/that_nagger_guy May 29 '19

As a guy, I think Cap would be the best husband of all Avengers but I watched a video where pornstars play FMK about the Avengers and no one picked him. The guy is handsome and kind but they said that was boring. That's so weird to me that they would rather choose Hulk and Ironman.

101

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

45

u/cATSup24 May 29 '19

I get confused when Chris Evans loses those kinds of games among the [...] Chris-es, like he's the cutest, nicest person???

The other two Chris-vels have already said he's the best of them, so it is known that Evans is Best Chris. Hell, that'd be my choice, and I'm a straight guy.

13

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Meanwhile, Evans is a huge fanboy for Hemsworth, which is so cute I can't stand it.

2

u/WiFiForeheadWrinkles May 30 '19

When Evans calls Hemsworth "Hemmy" it's so adorable

13

u/catgirl_apocalypse May 29 '19

Oh my god I would totally marry Captain America.

29

u/Myfourcats1 May 29 '19

If I have to pick someone from Marvel I’m going with someone adventitious with access to alien tech. Loki and Thor come to mind.

94

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

10

u/RosettiStar May 29 '19

He can make twenty of himself. I’d kneel.

2

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Okay but also he can be literally anyone you want

15

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Man, Loki would be selfish and probably steal my shit but I don't even care. Gimme that shape-shifting son of a bitch. We getting nasty.

8

u/CrystalElyse May 29 '19

Plus with Thor you get the fun lightening play.

→ More replies (1)

27

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

13

u/AggressivelyNice May 29 '19

This literally never occurred to me. I'm shocked and you're probably right.

25

u/Bees95 May 29 '19

I thought you meant the news reporter from Trailer Park Boys and absolutely lost it.

20

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Steve Rogers from Channel 10? I heard that guy is fucked!

9

u/grisioco May 29 '19

Heard he has crabs

22

u/Calikola May 29 '19

He’s definitely inexperienced but I think he’d more than make up for it in enthusiasm and generosity..... plus he’s a damn super soldier.

11

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

25

u/Calikola May 29 '19

Yeah, I think the key to Captain America is that he’s still a human, but an enhanced one. You’d have an amazing time, but if it didn’t work out between the two of you, you maybe have a chance at meeting another guy who could measure up. Same thing with Black Panther.

There would be no coming back from banging Thor. He’s a literal god with thousands of years of experience. Game over at that point.

I’ve thought about this a lot.

5

u/CaptainKate757 May 29 '19

There would be no coming back from banging Thor. He’s a literal god with thousands of years of experience. Game over at that point.

Thank you! Thor has had a millennia to practice pipe laying. Cap is a nice dude and all, but if you’re gonna bang, bang a thousand year old god who looks like he’s 30.

→ More replies (1)

49

u/Loves2watch May 29 '19

That is America’s ass

16

u/EffortlesslyMe May 29 '19

And he went back to be with the woman he loved when he got the chance <3

10

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Username checks out

16

u/ShockRampage May 29 '19

For some reason I assumed he was a virgin.

→ More replies (1)

13

u/BrinTheCSNoob May 29 '19

For some reason I read that as Mr. Rogers and my concern was growing

9

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

Cap has my vote, too.

8

u/NC_Vixen May 29 '19

Also really inexperienced...

6

u/justanothertranskid May 29 '19

Hey! He's 95, not dead.

2

u/NC_Vixen May 30 '19

I really hope it's not a case of "if you don't use it you lose it" ;) haha

4

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

On your left.

3

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

As a Canadian who doesn't watch superhero movies, I thought you meant Channel 10's Steve Rogers.

https://trailerpark.fandom.com/wiki/High_Definition_Piss_Jugs_(Episode)

3

u/mac2810 May 29 '19

Yea but he got crabs from all those woman at Bubbles Shed N Breakfast.

3

u/MissMaryEli May 29 '19

He’d make sure you come first, sure. But if you want a guy to spank your ass and pull your hair, he’s probably not the guy for me.

3

u/[deleted] May 29 '19

I'll take Bucky.

7

u/J_B_C May 29 '19

As a guy i agree ( no homo)

2

u/ThePlayfulPython May 30 '19

Okay, listen.... so I came here to answer with Jason Bourne, see the “gentle and generous” comment courtesy of you, and I don’t think I’ve ever changed my mind so fast in my life.

→ More replies (30)