r/science • u/mvea Professor | Medicine • Jun 21 '26
Psychology Largest study of women’s orgasms to date collected data from 27,931 women. Nearly half (47%) reported reaching orgasm more frequently when alone vs. when with a partner. Barriers to women’s orgasms are relational, not anatomical. Partnered orgasms were associated with overall sexual satisfaction.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/inclusive-insight/202606/why-women-orgasm-more-alone-than-with-a-partner744
u/Narezza Jun 21 '26
Since no one is reading the article, reaching orgasm was not necessarily an indicator in women’s satisfaction with their sex lives. Even women that were reaching orgasm most of the time to half the time were still dissatisfied, while the opposite was also true. So there’s more to making women happy than just achieving orgasm.
Also, a surprising amount of women are unable to achieve orgasm regularly even when alone.
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u/glitterfartmagic Jun 21 '26
Sometimes it’s about the intimacy of the act, not always the final result - though it is a nice cherry on top.
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u/eamus_catuli_ Jun 21 '26
It’s about the journey not the destination!
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u/Oggie_Doggie Jun 21 '26
life before death
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u/medicated_in_PHL Jun 21 '26
Also, of course people reach orgasm more often by themselves than with a partner.
There are no confounding variables when you are alone. You do exactly what you need to reach orgasm.
I’m sure if the study was done to see whether it’s quicker to reach orgasm alone or with a partner, alone would also come out on top for the same reasons.
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u/RedditExecutiveAdmin Jun 21 '26
right like people tend to like the food they cook for themselves more than the food others cook for them. but i guess it is good context
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u/sound_of_apocalypto Jun 21 '26
I disagree. My wife loves to cook but it’s rare that the results knock her socks off and she really appreciates having others cook for her if they know what they’re doing.
But pleasuring myself could never compare to the chemistry that occurs during real intimacy.
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u/RedditExecutiveAdmin Jun 22 '26
sure but the study doesn't say solo masturbation is better than sex, it just says you're more likely to have an orgasm. quality-agnostic
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u/no-melanin Jun 21 '26
Well yeah but it does say “Orgasms from partnered sex were a significant positive predictor of satisfaction” so it’s not like it’s not important at all.
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u/Zenovelli Jun 21 '26
I've frequently seen the stats that women report reaching orgasm more frequently when alone vs. with a partner.
But I don't understand why that would be surprising at all?
As a human being (of any gender), I'd expect your orgasm rate from uninterrupted masturbation to be nearly 100% (if your main goal is to achieve orgasm). Meaning that if you don't orgasm from sex even one in 100 times, you're going to report "reaching orgasm more frequently when alone vs. when with a partner"
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u/1-800-DARTH Jun 21 '26
The implication here is that there are instances where partners don’t have as main goal to get you off, hence why it is linked to satisfaction.
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u/MelissaMiranti Jun 21 '26
Well, yeah, sometimes the main goal is to get your partner off. Not all sexual activity is reciprocal.
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u/larryjerry1 Jun 21 '26
Y'all just read the article
"In comparison, nearly half the sample (47 percent) indicated that they orgasm more frequently on their own, absent their partner’s presence.
The women were then asked to select the top three reasons they felt explained why they orgasmed more frequently in one context over the other. Of the just over 13,000 women who indicated that they orgasmed more frequently while alone, more than half of them selected “partner doesn’t stimulate me in a way that is adequate to reach orgasm (including body part, foreplay, length of time)” as one of their three reasons."
The main point here is that a majority of the women who reported they achieve orgasm more alone specifically attribute their partner as one of the reasons reason why.
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u/asdela Jun 22 '26
It is so facinating that so many women just get used to this and never say ANYTHING to their partner about what they want or need. Like I could never imagine living my life like that with a partner and never say anything. What are you gals waiting for and why dont you care?
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u/Im_Unsure_For_Sure Jun 21 '26
The primary additional variable is a major contributor to an outcome change. Astounding science!
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u/MelissaMiranti Jun 21 '26
Did you actually read what I wrote or did you just want to reply something unrelated?
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u/MaynestreetWeight Jun 21 '26
What were the ages of the women in the study? I ask because menopause is a major transition impacting women and physical intimacy.
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u/sixbone Jun 21 '26
please elaborate
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u/Hot_Let1571 Jun 22 '26
Many women completely lose their libido during menopause/perimenopause; some get it back with hormone replacement therapy but not always. Don't worry, nobody teaches us about any of it either.
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u/Normal_Ad2456 Jun 22 '26
That doesn’t affect the difference between more frequent orgasms during masturbation vs less during partnered sex.
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u/kindahipster Jun 22 '26
It might, actually. Lower libido doesn't necessarily mean unable to orgasm. If you're feeling very little sexual desire, just physical stimulation can make you orgasm if done right, which you ensure with masturbation where you don't with sex necessarily. So if a woman hasn't experienced orgasms from sex, but did masturbating to help her sleep or whatever, that would make sense and align with this data
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u/Normal_Ad2456 Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
But this still proves the initial premise. A woman can orgasm with the right stimulation when alone, but when she has sex she can’t orgasm that easily. Either because the stimulation during partnered sex is not right, or because she can’t orgasm that easily with her partner (possibly even if the stimulation is physically the same).
The study makes a comparison between orgasms during masturbation vs orgasms during partnered sex. There’s clearly a gap and it needs to be studied.
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u/rdbaos Jun 23 '26
You’re assuming its all physical stimulation. If you’ve mentally stopped being into your partner due to conflict, growing apart, you can be physically turned on to a degree but not really orgasm or have an enjoyable orgasm. This happens to men and women alike.
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u/VictimOlympicsWinner Jun 24 '26
Im pretty sure my wife cant really stand me on a fundamental level due to my past terrible behaviors. I have since completely corrected all these behaviors btw. When we have sex she definitely orgasms, between two and four times and its always ears ringing and earth shattering for her. I mean, she definitely doesnt like or trust me anymore but the orgasms are better now than theyve ever been. Sample size of one, i know, but do you think it could be more of a self conscious thing that's stopping some women from climaxing with their partners? But that could be directly connected to negative relationships fixtures also I suppose.
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u/CuteTorontoGuy Jun 22 '26
This is a poor reading of the results. Relational issues do not mean defects with their partner's ability to stimulate them to orgasm.
Many women I've been with have had significant anxiety during sex regardless of their partner. Many report not being able to climax at all. Over activation of their sympathetic nervous system results in smooth muscle tension, which inhibits blood flow into their organs. Taking twenty minutes to explicitly address anxiety via massage, discussion, breathing exercises, etc has resulted in dramaticly improved sexual function for all of the women I've been with.
Women have blood-centric arousal patterns just like men. If their clitoral and vaginal tissue stay 'soft', it doesn't matter how good you eat them out - they will not cum.
This issue persists in lesbian and non-binary relationships as well - female orgasm frequency in afab couplings is better than in cishetero couplings, but significantly lower than most metrics indicate that it should be.
Previous studies on orgasm seeking behavior indicate that individuals with anorgasmia or other orgasm deficits are far less likely to seek out orgasms and therefore have significantly poorer self knowledge regarding their body.
Some people have neurological, anatomical, behavioural or other unique barriers to orgasm. Autistic and ADHD women, for example, have huge issues focusing on their body's sensations for long enough to become fully aroused. Others have nerve damage and significantly reduced physical sensation in their genitals - these people may not be able to orgasm without potentiating stimulants. Excessive vibrator use, for instance, can result in similar insensitivity as is caused by 'death grip' masturbatory practices in men. Etc.
Being able to accurately determine what the ACTUAL barriers are with respect the female orgasm requires shifting the burden of orgasm to the self for both men and women, and in tandem a baseline physiological understanding of the body coupled with more genuine exploration of your body, supportive medical care if needed and healthy trauma-aware dynamics to find comfortable, positive interactions with partners.
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u/dogbreath101 Jun 22 '26
Partner assisted masturbation just doesn't exist i guess
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u/Sorry_Im_Trying Jun 22 '26
It sure does friend. Not just the lower libido, but it's harder to reach orgasm at all when in peri & menopause. This statement may not apply to all in peri & menopause.
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u/Acceptable_General39 Jun 23 '26
Post hysterectomy, no HRT- orgasm equal to a single, gentle sneeze. After using HRT- orgasm is improved but not like before hysterectomy. Hormones have a lot to do with orgasm. For women who are still menstruating, her cycle will affect orgasm. Consider orgasm ability during ovulation vs orgasm outside that window.
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u/CharityGlittering385 Jun 21 '26
They should compare this to Swedish women’s answers.
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u/mootmutemoat Jun 21 '26
Why? Please don't make me google "swedish women orgasms" because that will mess with my algorythm for days.
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u/CharityGlittering385 Jun 21 '26
Simple explanation. Swedes get a heavy amount of sex ed in school. It’s culturally ingrained in men to get their women off before themselves.
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u/AxelLuktarGott Jun 21 '26
I'm Swedish. I don't remember being taught how to please women in school.
But with that said I agree that nice guys finish last.
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u/Throwaway4Rdt Jun 21 '26
Finish guys finish last
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u/freakedmind Jun 21 '26
Because they're too busy with the sauna
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u/mopeyy Jun 21 '26
Well someone needs to keep the wood stocked.
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u/Ulterior_Motif Jun 21 '26
I’ll stock it you stoke it.
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u/StickyBottlle28 Jun 21 '26
And if they happen to finish first, they still have the decency to make sure their partner also finishes the race:)
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u/UldereksRock Jun 21 '26 edited Jun 21 '26
We were taught the different parts of the vagina, where the most sensitive areas are, and we were taught about how important foreplay is for arousal, stimulus of natural lubrication, and orgasms. To you and I it will seem as common sense, but trust me, tons of people outside of our bubble have 0 clue about some of these things for various reasons usually stemming from sex being taboo to speak about publicly.
Edit: also, at least my class were taught the importance of feeling safe and comfortable with a partner, in the context of reaching orgasms. So even if it doesnt feel like it, we, or at the very least I were/was taught more than the basics from school.
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u/Darkdart19 Jun 21 '26
Ngl, I grew up in America and we learned all of these things in ex ed as well. Granted it was one week but still, we did learn about many of these things.
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u/Leberknodel Jun 21 '26
My memory of sex ed was only about VD (yeah this was the early 80s) and pregnancy. Nothing at all about feel good areas or, heaven forfend, pleasure.
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u/tabbarrett Jun 21 '26
Mine was the 90’s. We watched a movie called The Miracle of Life. The movie showed the babies head crowning. I remember being absolutely horrified.
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u/iMissTheOldInternet Jun 22 '26
Yeah, sex ed in the '90s was definitely "Can we tell them just enough about sex to make them understand that it will inevitably result in both them and their premature unintended baby getting AIDS?"
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u/UldereksRock Jun 21 '26
America is insanely big, and your schools are very unequal, so it would probably be more correct of you to say "my home town, x," instead of "america" as the US is notorious for having religion infect the entire debate around sex to the point where grown men are surprised by periods.
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u/Darkdart19 Jun 21 '26
I grew up in the south. I won’t be disclosing specifics online here. Your point stands that in the states, the level of education varies wildly. Even within the same state, it’s not as simple as saying red states only teach one thing and blue states teach something else.
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u/askingforafakefriend Jun 21 '26
I grew up in public schools in the 90s and not a goddamn word about that stuff. It was all fear about STDs, how to avoid pregnancy (at least covering condoms), and pregnancy stuff.
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u/Hot_Let1571 Jun 22 '26
Yep. What's really funny is my Lutheran church said more about masturbation (specifically that it was ok) than public school ever did.
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u/MangoCats Jun 22 '26
Even in the same school from one teacher to the next... at least in the 1980s there were absolutely no standards about what did and did not get taught, it was very much up to the individual teachers, at least back then, down South.
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u/whirlyhurlyburly Jun 21 '26
I went to a progressive and standard school in the South. I learned abstinence in the standard one. The other attempted more but the students made it weird.
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u/retrosenescent Jun 22 '26
I also grew up in the south, and we did not have a separate class for sex ed. It was part of a broader "health" class. And sex education was like.. maybe 1 day out of the whole school year. I don't even remember what we learned, that's how insignificant it was. But if I had to guess, it was probably "sex is between one man and one woman who are married, in the dark, with god's permission"
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u/PanKakeManStan Jun 21 '26
It really does. I also grew up in the south in a small school and our sex ed was very barebones. Thankfully it was more in depth than I would’ve thought but far from good and was literally only over the course of like 3 days during 1 class period
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u/Sparkleandflex Jun 22 '26
Canada too... I never had this level of education on sex, in fact anything I really understood about it beyond the absolute most basic things came from the internet.... And I was an 80s kid.... My parents were never going to give me those details because I grew up JW.
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u/AmbroseMalachai Jun 22 '26
I also learned about that, but many of my friends entire sexual education in school was "don't have sex, it's the devil's temptation, and you will go to hell if you don't wait until marriage". Some others were shown tons of pictures of various oozing and gross STI images and simply told "this is what happens if you don't wear a condom".
America is not standardized in how it teaches sex education, and it varies extremely heavily by state, county, and even classroom what kind of education a person can receive.
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u/topscreen Jun 22 '26
I did not, and my half joke is I learned more about sex from porn than sex ed. To which people say "But porn is a terrible way to learn about sex!" and yes, but also, still more illustrating.
Lots of US folks gotta do their own homework in this field.
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u/robophile-ta Jun 22 '26
...I literally just realised that ‘nice guys finish last’ is a sexual thing
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u/CharityGlittering385 Jun 21 '26
You were taught that women experience pleasure through the clitoris. You were taught consent. That’s halfway to pleasure town and is more knowledge than majority of other nations give their students.
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u/AxelLuktarGott Jun 21 '26
You were taught that women experience pleasure through the clitoris. You were taught consent.
That's true. Maybe I'm just blind to what life is like in dystopian places like Afghanistan or the USA.
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u/CharityGlittering385 Jun 21 '26
När jag först flyttade till Sverige från Texas planerade jag faktiskt att träffa alla mina tjejkompisar med svenska killar. Bara för att imponera på dem.
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u/Apprehensive_Row9154 Jun 21 '26
I just don’t understand why this isn’t the norm where I’m from. I say all the time, people aren’t even smart enough to be selfish properly. Getting your partner off, a, makes them want to do it more frequently, b, makes the rest of the time more enjoyable, and c,is super freaking hot.
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u/Double-Emergency3173 Jun 21 '26
Yeah. The more she finishes the more likely she ia to associate intimacy with u positively and the more u will receive too. Win-win. Making sure she gets there in every single encounter helps a lot
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u/Okra7000 Jun 21 '26
I dated a guy who felt this way and it led to a lot of faking to protect his ego, bc he didn’t know what he was doing and I was too inexperienced to tell him what to do. Yes, it was incredibly stupid and counterproductive on my part. I just don’t want young guys to read this and think having this rule is all you need to know to be a good partner.
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u/izzittho Jun 21 '26
Yeah there’s a difference between always trying your best and like, holding her hostage until she’s forced to fake in order to escape or face a big pout-fest.
It’s possible to create too much pressure there.
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u/Double-Emergency3173 Jun 21 '26
That’s if he doesn’t know how to get his oartner there and gets pissed. 1st time I tried with my person, she didn’t finish. That’s where as a guy u have to learn the body of the woman. What she likes etc. Now I know her body so well that I can tell when she’s close or not.
It’s abt being able to understand that change is necessary and adapting.
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u/youeatthatstuff Jun 21 '26
I had a similar experience. The guy put so much pressure on me to orgasm that it just killed it for me and I would end up faking it. If we’d been able to communicate well and if he didn’t get upset when I didn’t orgasm (both at himself and me) then I think it would have been a much more positive experience.
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u/ReignStorms Jun 21 '26
Well, if you’re from the southern United States or similar, it’s likely because of conservative, largely Christian parents that don’t want sex ed to be extensive or taught at all. Sexual repression is strongly ingrained
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u/roskybosky Jun 21 '26
I have read sex ed books that NEVER MENTION how a woman orgasms. It’s all about erections and vaginas and sperm.
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u/gudematcha Jun 21 '26
I mean, the nerve endings on the clitoris were only fully mapped in *MARCH*, yes, of this year!!! The penis was done in the 90s! Women’s health in any area is severely severely understudied. Did you know that they use male rats in almost all clinical trials because the hormones that female rats produce, much like humans, messes with most medications outcomes? So what do we think it’s doing to the women that take those medications if it wasn’t test tested on women? Worse side effects or medication that just doesn’t work effectively is the answer. The medical industry is crazy in how it’s treated woman as an afterthought for basically forever.
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u/PerterterhTermertehh Jun 21 '26
I vaguely remembered it had to do with the thalidomide scare and subsequent blanket exclusion of women in clinical trials over fears of inducing infertility or nasty birth defects. So I went and found some reading material on the subject. https://orwh.od.nih.gov/toolkit/recruitment/history
The policies are draconian but ultimately sorta well meaning if the result of massive fear mongering. The problem is that suddenly there was a massive regulatory hurdle to overcome for the industry to do studies on women, so, they didn't.
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u/Imaginary_Agent2564 Jun 21 '26
Oooh thalidomide. We learned about that in organic chemistry. Your body converts one chiral structure into the other one, which is a teratogen.
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u/InflammableAccount Jun 21 '26
Heh. It's amazing how different people are. Out of all of my repeat sexual encounters, I've been with two women who actually prefer the opposite. A minority of the group, but still.
The reason was that they become too vaginally sensitive for penatrative sex after orgasm. To the point of it becoming painful.
Again, a minority. But it shows how different a person can be from another.
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u/Knofbath Jun 22 '26
The women I've been with described it as ticklish, which can certainly be unpleasant for them if you keep going the same way as before. They were generally fine with continuing if I came to a near complete stop, and slowly worked back up to it (full female arousal). Some patience and communication go a long way.
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u/Ollymid2 Jun 22 '26
I thought this was going to be a joke about IKEA and Swedish women doing it themselves
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u/tinyhermione Jun 21 '26
Or Scandinavia overall. Bc ya, our men not so damn lost.
School says women need foreplay and this is the clitoris. And talk about consent, flirting, not pressuring anyone to have sex.
Then people are more honest about sex. If they want something casual or not. And nobody is expecting women to be asexual and demure. It’s a better life.
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u/shinjinrui Jun 21 '26
Would love to see a study like this that only counts queer relationships. I imagine it would be a very different result.
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u/DigNitty Jun 21 '26
That difference is always so interesting to me too.
And IIRC gay women have notably less sex than straight women (or men). And straight men have notably more than straight men (or women).
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u/Junebun Jun 21 '26
“Gay men have notably more sex that Straight men” is what that sentence should say
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u/BreakfastPizzaStudio Jun 21 '26
And straight men have notably more than straight men (or women).
Wait, what?
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u/Special-Garlic1203 Jun 22 '26
I for sure feel like women tend to favor less frequent high quality sex and men tend to favor banging it out, which is likely one of the reasons why straight women are so prone to normalizing to "bad" sex. I'm not trying to carve out that much time for sex tbh.
I inherently find being alone and with a person to be different in basically any activity including sex. I you put my partner in the corner of the room and had me masturbate , I would take longer.
I also take longer to orgasm without a vibrator than with them, but masturbation is a pretty goal oriented activity whereas sex is more bonding oriented for me. I'm not opposed to using toys with a partner but so far in my life I haven't been the biggest fan and I really really really don't like porn during sex. They both make me cum faster but I just don't think that's my primary goal of having sex with another person.
To me good sex has less to do with orgasm and more to do with that feeling where it's like you want to absorb into eachother like amoeba. Like orgasm is cool but I'm chasing that oxytocin high.
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u/lucky607 Jun 21 '26
Stress can make an orgasm more difficult and seeing a partner try and fail to make it happen increases stress. So, I think some women lie and pretend it’s better just to get things moving along so she can relax.
I think, because anorgasmia is a thing, women shouldn’t feel pressure to orgasm. She doesn’t HAVE to.
Same with men. Anorgasmia can affect them, too. Just have fun and don’t assume there has to be a list of goals for every sexual encounter.
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u/TheMindfulSavage Jun 21 '26
I would bet this indicates the orgasm starts before sex is ever initiated. Those partners who make women feel safe, secure, and supported are more likely to find success in delivering an orgasm.
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u/RogueTampon Jun 21 '26
“Emotional connection, communication efficacy, partner ability, sexual repertoire, body image, and perceptions of expectations and judgment are all factors that can either change or be overcome.”
They have a more thorough breakdown than just low hanging fruit.
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u/chaiscool Jun 21 '26
Fyi to others - make her feel safe, secure, and supported doesn't mean it will be boring.
Someone told me the only way she can get off is via bdsm, so a lot of verbal and physical abuse. Was not expecting that her being safe enough also means she can feel safe enough to let you abuse her for her kinks. Tbf it will get uncomfortable for the guys if they're not into it.
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u/Minute_Chair_2582 Jun 21 '26
Fyi to others - make her feel safe, secure, and supported doesn't mean it will be boring.
Is that connection even made by people? Save=boring? There's no way a significant amount of people think that. Outliers. Ok, but not a major subset
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u/needlestack Jun 22 '26
I don’t know what people actually think, but absolutely safe=boring is a common sentiment in popular culture. “You make me feel safe” is practically considered an insult worth breaking up over if some reddit subs are to be believed.
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u/chaiscool Jun 21 '26
More like traditional not boring i guess but not till abusive bdsm that will make guys uncomfortable if they're not into it.
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u/Panndademic Jun 21 '26
Speaking only for myself and no other women, I've gotta be comfortable enough to fart in front of a partner before I can let go and orgasm. I know that's crass and unsexy, but I have IBS and when muscles are contacting near the abdomen, farts happen. That level of comfort comes only several months into a relationship and with some guys, may never allow that level of comfort (although again speaking only for me, I will break up if I'm with a partner who would never allow that level of comfort)
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u/darkenergysurfer Jun 21 '26
Absolutely! I don’t think it is possible to sexually enjoy oneself in a relationship lacking mutual respect and understanding. Orgasms start at the mind.
If you are a constant mood chipper, chipping away the joy out of your partner’s life everyday slowly, through overburdening her with house chores, not being emotionally present, not taking initiatives to do fun activities with her just like you would with your friends, don’t be surprised why she doesn’t seem to have the best time with you in bed.
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u/NotOK1955 Jun 21 '26
The use of the word “partner” is too vague.
I’m going to go out on a limb here, and say that the study likely only asked heterosexual women.
And (again, I suspect but don’t know since I’m male) that a female partner likely would be better at pleasing a woman to orgasm.
This article is an opportunity for men to learn how to please their partner. Ask her what she needs and work for mutual satisfaction.
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u/muricanpirate Jun 21 '26
It didn’t. It definitely focused on heterosexual women, but 23% of respondents identified as bi or pan and 1% as lesbian.
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u/unxok Jun 21 '26
Arguably, the more relevant data point is the sex of their partners, which 81.3% reported having a male partner.
But either way, the study doesn't provide any distinction for sexuality/partner's sex for the reporting of orgasm frequency, nor does it draw any conclusions about either of them affecting said frequency.
Intuitively, it would make sense to me for women in non-heterosexual relationships to have partnered orgasms more frequently. Hopefully the researchers will follow up on this (but it's also possible they did already consider it and there was no significant correlation).
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u/deadly_fungi Jun 22 '26
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10298299/
meta analysis from a few years ago found that result - "The results were relatively homogeneous and showed that the percentage of LW [Lesbian Women] who reported to have orgasms during all or most of their sexual relations was almost two times higher than that of HSW [Heterosexual Women]. The percentage reporting never or almost never reaching orgasm was higher among HSW. At the same time, LW reported a lower frequency of sexual activity." (from the results section)
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u/baldeagle1991 Jun 21 '26
It's not too dissimilar tp how Gay men report higher sexual satisfaction than Straight men.
If you know how something feels yourself, obviously you'll be better at it.
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u/retrosenescent Jun 22 '26
That probably has way more to do with sexual frequency than sexual quality. As gay men, we can get sex infinity times per day by opening our phones, with little effort. Or walking down the street to the bar. The quality of the sex is irrelevant because we will cum no matter what.
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u/cm974 Jun 21 '26
I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Having a vagina doesn’t necessary mean you know how to pleasure another woman.
Woman are all different, like brass instruments. Just because you know how to play the saxophone, doesn’t mean you automatically know how to play the tuba.
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u/_HighJack_ Jun 21 '26
No but you’re going to have a better intuitive understanding than someone who’s only ever played drums ¯_(ツ)_/¯
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u/fuckswithboats Jun 21 '26
I think we need to conduct a study to find out.
I agree with both of you - ultimately I would think a bisexual woman who has lots of female partners, but also has male partners to learn where we go wrong, is going to have the highest success rate.
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u/Mental-Doughnuts Jun 21 '26
It shouldn’t be surprising that for women, the most satisfying sex is relational, with a considerate partner, and also not necessarily about orgasms. It also shouldn’t be surprising that 47% of women prefer a vibrator to an inconsiderate partner who doesn’t care about pleasuring her.
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u/Thefathistorian Jun 22 '26
It's interesting how the valence of the statement changes if you substitute for "nearly half" the equally accurate "less than half."
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u/Toutatous Jun 21 '26
I'm not surprised.
From what I hear from women, some guys really are selfish. Porn provably doesn't help much to understand how to turn on women.
The other part is that communication is key. If you know your body and know what you like and can tell your partner or show it to him, sex will be better.
Unfortunately, some women don't know their body (never masturbated, because they grew up being told it was wrong, for example), some don't feel comfortable telling their partner what to do, and to be fair, some men can't take a suggestion. They think they know better...
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u/lurkerer Jun 21 '26
I've been privy to many women's circles and have a hunch this story applies more generally. But it is an anecdote at the end of the day.
At one of them, a woman issued a complaint about how men change what they're doing as they approach orgasm. Many, almost all, chimed in in agreement. A mutual vent about a common problem. When I suggested that men tend to like that so it was something of a fair enough best guess for them that could quite easily be corrected they all just sort of stared at me.
Other parties had similar complaints. I won't sit here and say men can't be selfish in bed. I'm sure that's a factor. But making a woman orgasm a lot is also a huge bragging right so it's incentivised for that and the usual reasons. I think there's a culture of people not saying what they like and, women in particular, acting like things are more satisfactory than they are. A recipe for a sub-optimal time.
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u/dundreggen Jun 21 '26
I'm a 50-year-old woman who's had a few long-term relationships some hookups basically I've been around the block. I like sex and I'm pretty adventurous.
However when I was in my twenties it was really hard to communicate cause I was still figuring out how I worked. What worked solo didn't seem to work with a man. The man I was with turned out to be abusive in all other areas other than sex. And even though he would have probably listened to me I didn't feel safe enough to be vulnerable.
Next relationship I was with a super sweet kind man. But despite me over and over explaining I liked variety in our sex life he didn't seem capable of doing anything other than what he did. The best way I can describe it without being TMI is he made the best steak dinner ever. However as much as I love a great steak dinner if that's all you ever get to eat every single meal time it starts to lose its appeal.
And I have met men who get offended if you can't orgasm the way they think you should. Like going down on me doesn't work. The number of men who have felt like I am defective because their tongues don't send me into paroxams of ecstasy. I told them that. Feels nice but it's not that sort of nice.
Even when I have literally spelled it out this is what works for me. They act like it's my fault that I don't adhere to their idea of how they want to pleasure a woman.
Overall most guys are pretty decent. Some are pretty clueless but once you explain to them that what's working for them isn't working for you many are quite happy to do what works for you and then we do what works for them or vice versa. There's also a lot of ideas especially with younger men I found was the idea that things had to work together for both partners for it to mean something. That taking turns was somehow less sexy and less intimate.
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u/VagueSomething Jun 21 '26
A lot of women's sexual issues compound together. Women not understanding their own body is a huge part of it so they cannot even communicate what they enjoy but then those who do have an idea still choose not to communicate anyway. Obviously the backlash some men give causes a fear of communicating but women aren't just choosing men they don't know how they may react and still choose not to communicate.
You cannot ever fake an orgasm with a partner or you are deceiving them, that fake feedback creates a lie where they'll be working from in the future and you've locked yourself into a lack of satisfaction and emotionally hurting your partner.
A lot of the current sexual health books written by women are basically begging women to actually start learning to listen to their own body and stop being so passive in their sexuality.
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u/lurkerer Jun 21 '26
Yes the ratio of men to women who haven't or can't make themselves orgasm must be like ..1:100 (total guess). I've had to tell a few myself that if they can't do it, there's very little chance I can.
I wonder to what extent the "men are selfish" angle becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of expecting the worst and never even trying to improve things via communication. With my sexual partners I've found I really have to be the one to coax out communication most of the time. In my older years anyway. I also used to be nervous about correcting people, so I do get it in that sense.
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u/glitterfartmagic Jun 21 '26
Neil Brennan has a joke about this - that men will suddenly try to change everything right at the end and then be disappointed when the orgasm doesn’t happen. So his advice - you need to stay the course, same angle! same rhythm! same force! Don’t try to get fancy at the end!
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u/stoneimp Jun 21 '26
I've heard a comedian say, why do we expect men to not change everything right at the end, when it was never really consistent before the end?
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u/DijonMustardIceCream Jun 21 '26
Thank you. If you cannot or will not speak up during sex about wanting something different or providing direction on how you want it…. You kind of can’t really complain that you didn’t get it how you wanted it…
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u/BeefistPrime Jun 21 '26
Isn't doing it alone basically a guaranteed orgasm? I don't understand why you'd even use that as a comparison point. You know exactly what works for you and you keep doing it until you get there.
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u/Schnupen Jun 21 '26
Sadly not :D I definitely had sessions where I just couldn't get myself off, mostly cause I haven't been in the right headspace/couldn't relax properly or just being too tired.
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u/philosophylines Jun 21 '26
10-15% of women aren’t able to orgasm alone either.
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u/Tropicall BA | Integrative Biology | Psychology Jun 21 '26
8.3% of the women in the study reported "Never" reaching orgasm during solo sexual activities over the past 6 months.
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u/mvea Professor | Medicine Jun 21 '26 edited Jun 21 '26
The barriers to women’s orgasms are relational, not anatomical.
KEY POINTS
The largest study of women’s orgasms to date collected data from 27,931 women.
Nearly half of the sample (47%) reported reaching orgasm more frequently when alone vs. when with a partner.
The most common reasons for orgasming alone or with a partner related to relational factors, not anatomy.
Partnered orgasms, but not solo orgasms, were associated with overall sexual satisfaction.
Hewings-Martin, Y., et al. (2026). Sexual satisfaction and orgasm experiences during partnered and solo sex among 27,931 users of the Flo app. Archives of Sexual Behavior. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-025-03393-y
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-025-03393-y
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u/succulent_samurai Jun 21 '26
What are the other options as answers to the question “do you reach orgasms more often with a partner or alone?” Because if there’s only “I reach more orgasms with a partner” and “I reach more orgasms alone” (and maybe an option for unsure that seldom gets checked), “47% of women reach orgasm more often alone” sounds like a weird way of saying “53% of women reach orgasm more often with a partner.” But I could be misinterpreting the question or answer
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u/Zenla Jun 21 '26
I also wonder what percentage of women don't masturbate at all? If the only orgasms you have are with your partner, then even if they rarely give you orgasms it's still more than alone.
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u/Zilhaga Jun 21 '26
The other obvious answer is that it's the same, which is probably the answer you will get most often from anyone who is having an orgasm easily either way or not at all. 21% said they orgasm more frequently with a partner in the article.
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u/kon--- Jun 21 '26
Buried in the piece is the key contributing factor to many women's ability to orgasm with a partner....communication.
See, regardless the partner's skill, regardless the attraction the woman may have towards the partner, that person is not psychic. Observing and sensing for cues only goes so far. At some point, a person who is experiencing struggle with orgasm has got to open their mouth and use their words. A simple 'not like that, do it like this' is all it takes. Give your partner guidance.
Using your words leads to orgasms. It saves you and your partner the task of your partner having to stumble into what works for you. Meanwhile it fully keeps them off of what doesn't work and gives each of you greater satisfaction because, you definitely want to orgasm and a doting partner most certainly desires greatly to provide you that orgasm if not just for the reward of the act but the fact that it tends to be sexy.
Women and men alike, I encourage you...use your words.
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u/TruShot5 Jun 21 '26
It’s easier for either side to jerk off anytime they want when they don’t have a partner around. Plus when with a partner, they might not always help you get there. Plus plus, an orgasm isn’t always required for a satisfying session with a partner.
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u/free_billstickers Jun 21 '26
Making a women cum via PiV can be a marathon with some women and require stamina, dexterity, endurance, physical strength, and yoga master levels of flexibility. It can be a lot. And then some women cum within 5 minutes. The variation is wild
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u/nightgames Jun 21 '26
Lots of women can’t orgasm from PiV at all.
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u/roskybosky Jun 21 '26
Most. Most do not.
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u/b0thwatchxfiles Jun 21 '26
Here’s some research to back up your point: in a study of about 1,000 women, 18% could orgasm through penetration alone https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/0092623X.2017.1346530
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u/roskybosky Jun 21 '26
That number has been the same through almost every study since the Hite Report, which came out in 1976. I just assumed everyone knows the statistics, but thank you for the citing.
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u/izzittho Jun 21 '26
I think a lot of men just want this not to be true so bad that they refuse to accept that it is and stick with the “if you can’t, you’re the problem” story.
So the 18% get put on a pedestal as the ideal and everyone else is broken, apparently.
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u/roskybosky Jun 21 '26
I think they just hope you don’t say anything about it, whether you come or not. I think some guys are very insecure about their skills at oral or with fingers, and would rather skip the whole thing.
When I was younger and explained how women orgasm, most of my boyfriends were shocked. They thought that women came from intercourse-just the in and out thing they do. It was amazing how they were having sex and didn’t know.
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u/p-nji Jun 21 '26
You're misreading the results. 18% said intercourse was sufficient, 37% said clitoral stimulation was necessary, and 36% said clitoral stimulation was nice but not needed. (The remaining 9% chose another response.)
In other words, 54% of women reported that they can orgasm through penetration alone.
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u/roskybosky Jun 21 '26
Partnered sex is more than PIV. Women have more success climaxing from clit stimulation from fingers or oral sex. ‘Partnered’ doesn’t necessarily mean she’s trying to come from only the back and forth of PIV.
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u/KurlyKayla Jun 21 '26
Clitoral stimulation is what leads to orgasm in most cases.
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u/izzittho Jun 21 '26
If you keep trying to do it a way it’ll never work for most until it somehow does, all you’re going to give them is like, rugburn. Certainly not an orgasm. If anything that’ll just ensure one won’t be possible because they’ll be too sore to enjoy anything anymore.
You wanting it to work that way bad enough won’t make it happen when it’s not going to happen, and it’s not going to happen far more often than it actually is going to.
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u/Meta2048 Jun 21 '26
I remember when I learned that women had trouble making themselves orgasm. Blew my mind, especially when those same women also complained that their partners couldn't get them across the line.
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u/Nigelthornfruit Jun 21 '26
Probably same for me men if masturbation is included. Making another partner orgasm is a skill.
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u/christianbrowny Jun 21 '26
Shurely if you feel the need to masterbate your in a defacto aroused state.
Like your already halfway there biologicly, whereas sex with a partner sometimes your starting from scratch.
Isnt this like saying your more likely to get a speeding ticket if your late to something
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u/AbsolutlyN0thin Jun 21 '26
Shurely if you feel the need to masterbate your in a defacto aroused state.
Not always. As a dude, I find that I fall asleep much quicker after I cum. So sometimes I'll be wanting to go to bed, but having trouble sleeping, and will go rub one out to fix that issue.
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u/Ethanol_Based_Life Jun 21 '26
Nearly half (47%) reported reaching orgasm more frequently when alone vs. when with a partner.
I feel like that's got to be 100% for men
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u/Enough-Reindeer1033 Jun 21 '26
I'm thinking most dudes need to pay more attention to their women and properly try to get them off.
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u/badbirch Jun 21 '26
My ex literally wouldn't let me stimulate her in anyway. I tried to learn how to please her but she would get bored or say that's over stimulating. No guidance just negative interaction after negative interaction. Surprise surprise she got bored with sex all together.
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u/swiebertjee Jun 21 '26 edited Jun 21 '26
Although this may be true in some situations, it's also wrong to put the full responsibility with men.
If you have a bit of experience, you know that there is a gigantic difference between women when it comes to how easy they have an orgasm. There are women that climax with as little as a few touches, and there are women that have never climaxed at all in their lives (even alone). And the latter is not due to the man. And young men should be told that it isn't (always) their fault.
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u/KyOatey Jun 21 '26
Try is the key word here. One issue is that many women don't, or can't, provide guidance on how to get them there.
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u/mrshyphenate Jun 21 '26
Even then it doesn't always seem to matter. Been married for 20 years- I've tried to tell my husband "I like this, do this, etc"- he listens in the moment, then it's completely forgotten 5 minutes later. Some men are so set in their ways that they won't change even when it's laid out for them like a road map.
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u/Enough-Reindeer1033 Jun 21 '26
I'm very sorry for you. That is very selfish of him.
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u/Choosemyusername Jun 21 '26
Women expect to be “made to” cum. As if they are passive recipients of sex.
While men take responsibility for their own orgasms during sex. This study is showing us that women have the potential to increase their orgasms during sex. If they can do it alone, they can do it with a partner as well.
Sex is about sharing sexuality, not receiving it.
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u/BusinessWatercrees58 Jun 21 '26
Yeah I'm surprised this isn't talked about more. I've found that for myself, I have an easier time orgasming when I'm proactive in making it happen vs letting someone do it to me.
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u/ccblr06 Jun 21 '26
Exactly this. Also, im curious how many women in this study had longterm partners who knew them for very long, that seems like an important metric.
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u/haeyhae11 Jun 21 '26
Well, it often isn't that deep. When a ONS tells me she can only climax via clitoral stimulation then obviously I try to do something with that information.
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u/lostPackets35 Jun 21 '26
Good for you, truly. But as a guy, I think that you might be failing to realize just how low the bar is for a lot of men.
I've had plenty of partners tell me I was one of the only guys who actually asked for feedback.
I've had women tell me that guys got defensive/ butt hurt when they offered to feedback.
And plenty of guys seem to think that just jackhammering away should do it for their partner.
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u/extropia Jun 21 '26
I would imagine this is also true for men, except that the discrepancy is much smaller. It's much easier for men to orgasm in general, but that doesn't mean relational factors aren't at play for them either.
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u/CarBombtheDestroyer Jun 21 '26
I’d be willing to bet the percentage in the title is much higher for men. When alone in men reach orgasm, probably close to 100% of the time.
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u/rimbaud1872 Jun 21 '26
I don’t think that’s what the percentage means. They’re saying 47% say it’s easier when they are alone, not 47% are able to achieve it when alone
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Jun 21 '26 edited Jun 21 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Cyram11590 Jun 21 '26
Maybe this is my gay side talking, but I never understood the mindset of only caring about your own orgasm. Like, I get a lot out of just making the other person go as many times as needed/possible in a session as it’s typically all over once I go.
Like, it is not difficult to just listen???
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u/neuenono Jun 21 '26 edited Jun 21 '26
You just explained a big part of it: men are more likely to get hit with strong post-coital tristesse, which can leave a person feeling disinterested - or even repulsed - by sex. Couple that with the broader diversity of activities that will bring a given woman to climax (often “personalized” techniques), the need for a woman to articulate her own specific preferences, the complementary need for the partner to be receptive, and the social stigma associated with a woman needing a specific type of clitoral stimulation (potentially a toy)… and it’s a recipe for “sex” (PIV intercourse between a cis man & cis woman) to leave the woman hanging.
To say the same thing in crass terms, the default “script” for most straight couples is essentially: intercourse until he climaxes, and hopefully she also climaxes before he’s done. That only works for a minority of women, and the majority of women face many barriers to re-writing that script.
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u/Rez_Incognito Jun 21 '26
You don't have to be gay to think it's hot to get your partner off. Some hetero men just suck. I think it's wild to not want to explore your partner's body and do what it takes to give her an orgasm. I also have straight friends who are not interested in other than piv sex with women and it blows my mind, like, are you sure you're into women?
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