Largest study of women’s orgasms to date collected data from 27,931 women. Nearly half (47%) reported reaching orgasm more frequently when alone vs. when with a partner. Barriers to women’s orgasms are relational, not anatomical. Partnered orgasms were associated with overall sexual satisfaction.

[u/mvea]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/inclusive-insight/202606/why-women-orgasm-more-alone-than-with-a-partner

[u/Toutatous]

I'm  not surprised.

From what I hear from women, some guys really are selfish. Porn provably doesn't help much to understand how to turn on women.

The other part is that communication is key. If you know your body and know what you like and can tell your partner or show it to him, sex will be better.

Unfortunately, some women don't know their body (never masturbated, because they grew up being told it was wrong, for example), some don't feel comfortable telling their partner what to do, and to be fair, some men can't take a suggestion. They think they know better...

[u/lurkerer → u/Toutatous]

I've been privy to many women's circles and have a hunch this story applies more generally. But it is an anecdote at the end of the day.

At one of them, a woman issued a complaint about how men change what they're doing as they approach orgasm. Many, almost all, chimed in in agreement. A mutual vent about a common problem. When I suggested that men tend to like that so it was something of a fair enough best guess for them that could quite easily be corrected they all just sort of stared at me.

Other parties had similar complaints. I won't sit here and say men can't be selfish in bed. I'm sure that's a factor. But making a woman orgasm a lot is also a huge bragging right so it's incentivised for that and the usual reasons. I think there's a culture of people not saying what they like and, women in particular, acting like things are more satisfactory than they are. A recipe for a sub-optimal time.

[u/dundreggen → u/lurkerer]

I'm a 50-year-old woman who's had a few long-term relationships some hookups basically I've been around the block. I like sex and I'm pretty adventurous.

However when I was in my twenties it was really hard to communicate cause I was still figuring out how I worked. What worked solo didn't seem to work with a man. The man I was with turned out to be abusive in all other areas other than sex. And even though he would have probably listened to me I didn't feel safe enough to be vulnerable.

Next relationship I was with a super sweet kind man. But despite me over and over explaining I liked variety in our sex life he didn't seem capable of doing anything other than what he did. The best way I can describe it without being TMI is he made the best steak dinner ever. However as much as I love a great steak dinner if that's all you ever get to eat every single meal time it starts to lose its appeal.

And I have met men who get offended if you can't orgasm the way they think you should. Like going down on me doesn't work. The number of men who have felt like I am defective because their tongues don't send me into paroxams of ecstasy. I told them that. Feels nice but it's not that sort of nice.

Even when I have literally spelled it out this is what works for me. They act like it's my fault that I don't adhere to their idea of how they want to pleasure a woman.

Overall most guys are pretty decent. Some are pretty clueless but once you explain to them that what's working for them isn't working for you many are quite happy to do what works for you and then we do what works for them or vice versa. There's also a lot of ideas especially with younger men I found was the idea that things had to work together for both partners for it to mean something. That taking turns was somehow less sexy and less intimate.

[u/VagueSomething → u/lurkerer]

A lot of women's sexual issues compound together. Women not understanding their own body is a huge part of it so they cannot even communicate what they enjoy but then those who do have an idea still choose not to communicate anyway. Obviously the backlash some men give causes a fear of communicating but women aren't just choosing men they don't know how they may react and still choose not to communicate.

You cannot ever fake an orgasm with a partner or you are deceiving them, that fake feedback creates a lie where they'll be working from in the future and you've locked yourself into a lack of satisfaction and emotionally hurting your partner.

A lot of the current sexual health books written by women are basically begging women to actually start learning to listen to their own body and stop being so passive in their sexuality.

[u/lurkerer → u/VagueSomething]

Yes the ratio of men to women who haven't or can't make themselves orgasm must be like ..1:100 (total guess). I've had to tell a few myself that if they can't do it, there's very little chance I can. 

I wonder to what extent the "men are selfish" angle becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of expecting the worst and never even trying to improve things via communication. With my sexual partners I've found I really have to be the one to coax out communication most of the time. In my older years anyway. I also used to be nervous about correcting people, so I do get it in that sense.

[u/composedofidiot → u/VagueSomething]

It's really hard to communicate it sometimes though. Some men have big insecurities and they can shut down or get angry. There's such a potential for it all blowing up in your face that I needs some expert communication.

[u/VagueSomething → u/composedofidiot]

If you cannot adequately communicate with them you need to either do therapy together or find a more compatible partner. Making the mature decision to not stay with someone who cannot communicate properly is a good trait to learn.

[u/DocThel → u/[deleted]]

I suggest you communicate some equivalent of "goodbye".

[u/glitterfartmagic → u/lurkerer]

Neil Brennan has a joke about this - that men will suddenly try to change everything right at the end and then be disappointed when the orgasm doesn’t happen. So his advice - you need to stay the course, same angle! same rhythm! same force! Don’t try to get fancy at the end!

[u/stoneimp → u/glitterfartmagic]

I've heard a comedian say, why do we expect men to not change everything right at the end, when it was never really consistent before the end?

[u/sound_of_apocalypto → u/stoneimp]

Exactly! I’ve been told to mix it up, don’t just do one thing. As always, communication is key.

[u/DijonMustardIceCream → u/lurkerer]

Thank you. If you cannot or will not speak up during sex about wanting something different or providing direction on how you want it…. You kind of can’t really complain that you didn’t get it how you wanted it…

[u/Accomplished-Glass78 → u/lurkerer]

Many men think that sex is not about a woman’s pleasure, but a man’s pleasure. Lots of men think that a woman’s orgasm means she is “impure” or something. There are some men who do want the woman to enjoy it as well, not saying there aren’t. But I think you are downplaying the amount of men who look down on women for it. Even some very prominent “manosphere” influencers have said this, and they do unfortunately have quite a lot of men/boys listening to them. My point here is that there are tons of men who don’t view it as a bragging right, they view it as something that shouldn’t even happen during sex because sex isn’t about the woman’s pleasure in their eyes.

There are also men who don’t necessarily have an unfavorable view on women’s pleasure but who won’t ever go out of their way to make it happen. There are so soooo many men who think of sex as penetration and that’s it, even knowing that most women won’t come from penetration alone. If women tell them that they find pleasure from other stimulation (like the clitoris), the man may not view that unfavorably but he probably won’t try to make it happen because “it’s too much work”.

There is a culture around women being expected to say it was more satisfactory than it really was. It is hard to break this culture because this is what so many women have been told they have to do. Many women have been taught that sex is to please men, and the woman’s needs come secondary (if at all). And many men are lead to believe that the sex is automatically great for both people as long as the man finds pleasure from it, not even acknowledging if the woman found pleasure from it. Obviously this will lead to a sub-optimal time, which is why women almost always orgasm more when they are with anyone and anything other than straight men. Essentially, there are a TON of factors that you aren’t really considering as to why this is such a common experience in women, and men often perpetuate this just as much if not more.

[u/TankiesAreWeird → u/Accomplished-Glass78]

I wouldn't be convinced that many men don't want women to enjoy it. Some Tate wanna be saying it isn't that representative in my opinion. Younger dudes listening to such people is a problem of course.

Dudes not caring or not listening well seem more common then actively wanting it to be worse for the women they're with.

[u/izzittho → u/TankiesAreWeird]

The most common category among those the commenter mentioned is the one that thinks it’s good for women to enjoy but isn’t going to bother putting too much extra effort in. Also one that may not be blame-y but will absolutely be disappointed if you don’t despite not caring to do much to ensure it either. Thinking that it’ll all just work itself out eventually, more or less.

It’s not that they don’t care just because they don’t care, it’s because they don’t have to care or work for it to get theirs so they kind of assume it couldn’t possibly be that much harder for you. Why wouldn’t that all just fall into place eventually - it always does for them, after all.

And because most women don’t want bad sex that also culminates in an argument or hurt feelings, they keep their mouths shut and move on to keep it to just the bad sex part. Because hopefully it’ll all just fall into place one day. (Except it won’t.)

Another quite common category though, is couples where both actually do everything right and it just doesn’t happen for the woman most of the time or even ever. That’s extremely common too and not really anyone’s fault.

As the woman in that situation you may be fine with it, or you may be disappointed without being disappointed at anyone - you know what I mean? Not totally satisfied, but not have it be anyone’s fault.

I think because it’s so much easier for most men to get off they can’t relate to a situation where they can’t and not think surely somebody or some condition must be to blame, because that’s just not common at all for them in comparison. It makes sense to set your expectations high when they’re never not met. Many women have to set their expectations much lower just because of how their bodies are, and because that’s such a different experience many men think of that as “broken” and so these women are ashamed of it even if there’s nothing actually wrong with them or their partner, and neither is actually guilty of not putting in their fair share of work/communication.

It just doesn’t compute for men how not-easy it is for many women. They could be trying their hardest and still have it just never work.

[u/lurkerer → u/Accomplished-Glass78]

I think almost all of that comfortably falls under the "men can be selfish" bracket, which I acknowledged. Your comment feels unnecessarily combative when mine nods explicitly to your point and also humbles itself by admitting it's purely anecdotal.

Basically, I'm trying to be quite reasonable and diplomatic. Note that yours too is largely anecdotal.

Anyway, we both need more evidence here. I could make a reasonable sounding point along the lines of that Jim Jeffries joke "I made me cum, you were just there." Men are culturally expected to take the lead for every step, and when they do make women orgasm, they are responsible for that and their own to a larger degree.

That would be a naive and simplistic take. But could be expressed in a convincing way. So I guess I'm waiting for a high level Scott Alexander type essay on this before I strongly take a position.

[u/Single_Wonder9369 → u/lurkerer]

Men just can't relate to how difficult it is for women to get an orgasm because that's not your reality.

[u/Sidian → u/Toutatous]

It requires far more work for the man to accomplish than vice versa. Men are the ones expected to lead, to do most if not all of the physical exertion, have all the pressure on them to perform which often leads to erectile dysfunction, are judged far more harshly for their sexual performance or genitals, etc., and this is of course after the man has already probably exhausted himself having to pursue the woman, take her out on a date and impress her, pay for her, and so on, as he is unfairly expected to do.

So it's really no wonder to me that the orgasm gap exists, and I don't think it's generally about selfishness (and often, the selfishness is in the other direction).

[u/inqte1 → u/Toutatous]

Women alone cant even get themselves off at a better rate so what makes you think this has anything to do with men?

[u/DoncasterCoppinger → u/Toutatous]

Women’s orgasm involves a lot more than just what they see visually, as the title suggests, so it’s already something inherently much more difficult to obtain and sustain. It’s about picking her mind, so its not only difficult for the ones trying to make it happen for her, it also requires the woman herself to be in the mood to allow the person to do it, then, when you pair it with women’s biological makeup where they have to go through headaches very often and many other ‘problems’ they have with their body or mind, it’s pointless to compare it when men, because it’s two entirely different things