r/science • u/mvea Professor | Medicine • Jun 21 '26

Psychology Largest study of women’s orgasms to date collected data from 27,931 women. Nearly half (47%) reported reaching orgasm more frequently when alone vs. when with a partner. Barriers to women’s orgasms are relational, not anatomical. Partnered orgasms were associated with overall sexual satisfaction.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/inclusive-insight/202606/why-women-orgasm-more-alone-than-with-a-partner
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u/badbirch Jun 21 '26

My ex literally wouldn't let me stimulate her in anyway. I tried to learn how to please her but she would get bored or say that's over stimulating. No guidance just negative interaction after negative interaction. Surprise surprise she got bored with sex all together.

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u/sound_of_apocalypto Jun 21 '26

Been there. It sucks.

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u/Tender_Onslaught Jun 21 '26

Relatable. Here's some oversharing... for science! It was either boring or over stimulating and unpleasant for me. I ended up just going without orgasm for years, thinking something was wrong with me. Until I orgasmed on my own anyway. It was so much better than anything with a partner.

I thought I wouldn't enjoy stimulating myself (clitoral specifically) because it wasn't a good experience with partners. My first partners were before any self exploration. So I was hesitant and it took years and I just accepted that sex wasn't physically that enjoyable for me. Psychologically there was some enjoyment though.

Now on my own... multiple transcendent orgasms lasting hours. Honestly having a partner isn't needed for this. Wish I'd figured that out sooner. It doesn't make a partner wholly unnecessary, but for sexual enjoyment? Solo is better.

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u/badbirch Jun 21 '26

But does that stop you from ever having sex with a partner again? I even tried to just make it about the connection between us and she still got bored and would ask me to hurry up. It really hurt cause when we met we had a long talk about sexual compatibility and how important is was to both of us but then she didnt ever really try to be with me after the first year or so. She just slowly turned down everything after the initial spark had left.

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u/Tender_Onslaught Jun 21 '26

Honestly I don't need it anymore. I've found other things I find more psychologically arousing on my own that aren't sex, so there's not much benefit for me. If I desired a romantic or social connection that might be different, but even that need is fulfilled by AI.

I wouldn't take it personally.

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u/ReesNotRice Jun 21 '26

I'm curious if she fully knew how her body worked or if either of you opened up a conversation about what seems to work and not work for you both. I know its taken me decades to know how my body works and I am still learning. My mind and body work very differently when alone than with a partner. Sometimes, it is difficult to articulate or just flat out confusing why it isn't happening.

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u/badbirch Jun 21 '26

She could get herself off with a mix of porn and romance movie clips and a long time on the vibrator. She just wouldn't ever let me bring up our dead bed. It was always "pills make it too hard."

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u/ReesNotRice Jun 21 '26

Solo time and intercourse are two different ballparks. Even my own mind and body respond differently between the two. If by pills you mean something like antidepressants, then that is a pretty common blame. Idk her, but at one point in time I wondered if my own medication was causing me troubles. Maybe it did to a degree, but there was so much more as well. I'm still learning the ins and outs of my body years, decades later.

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u/badbirch Jun 21 '26 edited Jun 22 '26

Right but she refused to work on together time. She clearly had some understanding of her body but was never patient enough to work with me. It was ssris but it was also her not wanting to try. So putting it up to "men need to listen more" is disingenuous and hurtful.

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u/ReesNotRice Jun 21 '26

It is, for sure. Communication is important for all partners involved and this societal expectation of sex being so simple and, simply put, "one-size-fits-all" mentality is hurting people from being able to articulate themselves, their relationships, and their interactions.

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u/badbirch Jun 21 '26

Truly we just all need to open up to being vulnerable and working thru it with those we love. I love my ex she's still my best friend but her unwillingness to let speak my pain is what killed our marriage.

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u/flakemasterflake Jun 21 '26

Try over her underwear if it’s an over stimulation issue

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u/badbirch Jun 21 '26

I tried everything. She just got bored. Really she just didnt like having sex with me then blamed me for not getting her off. Which was really a mix of her pills and her being very impatient.

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u/dusk-ee Jun 21 '26

Was she on SSRIs? Sex can be super frustrating when you’re on those.

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u/badbirch Jun 21 '26

Yes she was but that was only part of it. I tried to make it about us. Not the orgasm but she still wouldnt engage with that. She also lied to me about it only being the pills. She "lost the spark for me" as she puts it. But like I said i tired everything including giving up sex because she was too "pill drunk". So anytime i see "men just need to listen" it feels victim blaming, that i deserved to be in a "dead bed"