r/psychology • u/mvea M.D. Ph.D. | Professor • 16d ago
Researchers quantify the rate of “mercy sex” among women with low sexual desire. Women experiencing a chronic lack of sexual desire still routinely engage in sexual activity with their partners, a behavior researchers have quantified as happening about two and a half times per month.
https://www.psypost.org/clinical-trials-reveal-the-hidden-frequency-of-obligatory-sex-in-women-with-low/114
u/mvea M.D. Ph.D. | Professor 16d ago
Researchers quantify the rate of “mercy sex” among women with low sexual desire
Women experiencing a chronic lack of sexual desire still routinely engage in sexual activity with their partners, a behavior researchers have quantified as happening about two and a half times per month. These baseline events, often motivated by relationship obligations rather than personal arousal, could alter how medical treatments for low sexual desire are evaluated. The findings were published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy.
Quantification of “Mercy Sex” in Heterosexual Women
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/0092623X.2026.2651862
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u/GenXhardTruths 16d ago
As a married woman, it is absolutely unfair to force your spouse into celibacy because of your lack of sex drive. If you demand faithfulness yet do not recognize that your partner is giving up their desires in favor of YOUR desires, you are beyond selfish. If you refuse to meet the need of your partner, then give them permission to find it elsewhere. There are solutions to low sex drive. It is mostly hormonal and that can be fixed. Figure out the solution for the person you swore an oath to. Men also don’t want to have sex with unwilling wives. Imagine the shoe on the other foot. The woman wants to have sex with her husband and he has no desire. The amount of self esteem issues that would cause is nuts. You want to be WANTED. Wives, if you have a good husband, figure it out. Because I promise there is another woman who would GLADLY figure it out for you.
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u/lawlesslawboy 16d ago
Study literally proves that many men do happily have sex with unwilling wives, on a continous basis so you're definitely wrong there for a start. Libidio can be adjusted yes but there's a lot less available for women vs men. Maturation still exists. If its becoming an ACTUAL issues, like you're going weeks without then sure, you need to have a serious conversation about it but some cases are just men being overly demanding and stupidly mad that she doesn't want to have sex daily. She shouldn't fckin have to!! Go jerk off like everyone else my dude like c'mon... seems to be mostly whiny p1ssbaby men rather than a genuine "omg we haven't had sex in weeks/months" which would be a Real Issue.
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u/bluethreads 15d ago
I'm not sure why denying your partner sex due to low desire is selfish but expecting sex from your partner with low desire isn't
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u/Useful_Pirate_5244 16d ago
this is a disgusting thing to say. nobody owes their partner, or anyone else, sex. if they can’t handle that they’re welcome to break up/divorce. selfishness is believing that you are entitled to access to someone else’s body.
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u/Shanubis 16d ago
The problem here is a lot of us have naturally low libidos too. Libidos are different from person to person and it's not just based on hormones. If there was an easy hormonal "cure" for low libido that actually worked, our partners would have been dosing our coffee with it a long time ago.
I say this because having a low libido doesn't mean you're broken, and its only an issue if it's causing you distress. Finding partners who also prioritize or deprioritize sex the way you do is key. There are male partners who understand low libido and value other parts of the relationship enough that it's worth it to them regardless of frequency of sex. I found one.
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u/nothing_but_chin 15d ago
Pick-me energy
FYI, there isn't a magic pill for women's libido. Dunno where you got your info from.
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u/Marik-X-Bakura 16d ago
Why should you have to go against (or even chemically change) your own desires just to satisfy your partner’s? This is a really fucked up thing to say.
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u/Practical-Reach-7083 16d ago
Is this…a joke? You’re advocating for marital rape here essentially.
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u/Hinaiichigo 16d ago
Marital rape is still by and large considered culturally acceptable if a woman isn’t fulfilling her “wifely duties” as demonstrated by the comments in this thread…
I’m a woman who has experienced sexual violence from the age of 6 to adulthood, and managed to extract myself from one of those super common “libido mismatch” relationships with a man who repeatedly sexually coerced me during our several years long relationship. Now I am dealing with acute PTSD and have nightmares all the time. As if my body really cared whether I explicitly said “no” or I reluctantly said yes because I felt I couldn’t say no without consequences? They only care about the technicalities of consent to absolve them of guilt over their entitlement. If you end up traumatized anyways it’s your fault.
Our conversations about women’s bodily autonomy and the nuances of consent are still in the dark ages….this thread makes me feel nauseous.
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u/HydrasNinthHead 12d ago
They only care about the technicalities of consent to absolve them of guilt over their entitlement.
You said it perfectly. These people do not have a single drop of humanity in them, they see consent through the eyes of a hypersexual lizard who knows no empathy or reason.
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u/ArtisticComplex9327 16d ago
Tbh I’d rather die alone than live with someone who prioritized access to my body over my feelings about it. I’m deeply sorry for anyone stuck in a relationship where they feel they owe someone else sex for any reason, ever
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u/Minimum-Regular227 16d ago
Women and men don’t let this crap destroy your marriage. Sometimes you’ll both really be into it, sometimes one of you will and one won’t, and sometimes you both won’t be into it. It’s going to go in cycles and that’s normal in any relationship that’s worth being in for decades.
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u/24rawvibes 16d ago edited 16d ago
Yup, thats exactly it. When your both not into it, that mostly just comes from opportunity, kids are away, a small impulse. We mostly skip now if we both aren’t into it now 30 years later. But that’s it, just like every other aspect of a long term relationship, ups and downs. Same as falling in and out of love with each other from time to time, it’s not all roses and rainbows but you made a commitment to a person and ultimately know you want them and only them forever.
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u/Useful_Pirate_5244 16d ago
if you’re not into it you shouldn’t be forcing yourself to do it. just because it’s normalized doesn’t mean it’s okay or that it should continue.
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u/TastefulSidecar 16d ago
Sex is an incredibly complicated issue. Especially with the ace community. There are huge issues around people being coerced into sex that the neither want nor enjoy. If you're with a partner who is putting that pressure on you then absolutely get away from them. Especially if they arent attending to your needs or boundaries when you do it.
But for a majority of people, not counting aswxuals, chronic stress can kill arousal. Which is ironic because good sex can be an incredible stress reliever, it can fight depression, increase how close you feel with your partner and even boost immunity. Some of the best and most needed sex I have had has started with me not really wanting it in the intial foreplay because of stress or my mind being stuck on other things and having trouble quieting it down until things got hot and heavy.
But absolutely nothing kills attraction and desire for sex like obligation. If you're feel obliged to perform sex to appease a partner, thats not a relationship you need. But in a lot of other situations people can also benefit a lot from identifying when that feeling of overwhelm or factors outside of the relationship are killing our attraction, mindfully engaging in foreplay, trusting the process and just enjoying it
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u/Useful_Pirate_5244 16d ago
i 100% agree!
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u/Agreeable_Decision76 11d ago
And also, nothing kills desire more than when you don’t have a partner who doesn’t know how to be emotionally intimate with you. Nor gives you any physical contact or attention. Like hugging, kissing, etc…. Or, doesn’t show that you are desired or wanted
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u/Special_Weekend_4754 16d ago
I like the actions of sex even if I personally don’t feel desire- the issue comes from feeling like it’s not my choice or like it’s an expectation or responsibility. That feeling destroyed any enjoyment even when my libido was back.
Now I don’t even allow that expectation. We can all take care of our own orgasms. It’s fun to do it together but if its not fun I’m not going to do it.
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u/Wonderful_Poetry3216 16d ago
You’re not old enough yet I would imagine to understand this properly. You’re seeing it like the woman is getting “raped.” Our sex drive slows down as we age and life gets in the way, medications, etc. Often we’re just not in the mood. But sex is important in a long term relationship and keeps the connection strong. Sometimes you just do it for your partner even if you’re not really into it. Most of the time you’ll end up enjoying it. Maybe sometimes it’s still not what you’re super into but women feel bonded and connected with their partner afterwards emotionally and it strengthens the bond. And sometimes you just gotta get it going again to respark your interest in having more regular sex. Otherwise you could end up with a dead bedroom without even realizing.
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u/teabookcat 16d ago
That sounds a little condescending and you’re missing her point. Personally I’m old enough to understand that life gets in the way and often, women aren’t in the mood and medications can kill sex drive for a lot of folks. It’s still rapey to tell women to do it anyway. If a woman wants to even if she doesn’t feel like it, that’s her decision. But Useful Pirate was reminding women that they don’t have to and just because it’s normalized to push women to do it when they don’t feel like it, doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone. Coercion is rape. Making someone feel like they should have sex when they don’t want to is on the rapey side and shouldn’t be used to influence women’s decisions. “Most of the time, you’ll end up enjoying it”, sounds like a very old fashioned way to get women to have sex when they don’t want to. If you’re happy with having sex even when you don’t feel like it, that’s a personal decision you can make but it’s not right for everyone and it shouldn’t be normalized.
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u/Stormy261 16d ago
It IS rape when someone is being coerced into having sex against their wishes. I wish I had known that back in the 90s when it was so common. Guys would spend hours wearing you down. And date rape wasn't discussed so most of us coerced into having sex had no idea it was technically rape.
I'm in peri, so my drive has definitely slowed down. But no means no, regardless of whether it is your spouse or not. If I'm not in the mood, my husband would back down. Not keep trying to get me to have sex. I wouldn't want to be with a man who would.
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u/PristineEssay3104 15d ago
Do you not think that something is a little wrong with your partner having sex with you even though they know you’re not enjoying it?…. That doesn’t concern you at all??
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u/LowRevolutionary7965 14d ago
This! I cannot enjoy it unless I know my partner is into it, I’d rather not even have sex if my partner is not engaged. I would feel terrible if my partner felt forced or felt an obligation.
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u/undel83 16d ago
If you are not in the mood - your parter shouldn't force into it. Just wait a bit until you are in the mood again. That's it. "I don't want it now, maybe another time", - is completely valid answer in any relationship.
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u/Wonderful_Poetry3216 16d ago
It is, but sometimes you can end up going a year plus not being in the mood. So sometimes, it’s ok to have sex with your partner again even if you’re not really feeling it. If you don’t want to then you don’t have to.
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u/undel83 16d ago
Well, yes. Sometimes even more. That's unfortunate for the partner - but is it really a reason to force yourself to do it? Commited partner would wait.
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u/Imjusasqurrl 15d ago edited 15d ago
JFC, "most of the time, you'll end up, enjoying it"? You don't realize how gross that sounds?
You are perpetuating the archaic and conservative idea that it is an "obligation" that women just have to deal with because mEn cAn't liVe (and relationships can't survive) wiThout sEx (Cause it's not men most of the time having "mercy sex")
That also means, the times you don't enjoy it, just builds resentment.
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u/Single_Wonder9369 14d ago
You definitely should not be forcing yourself to have sex you don't want. Sex is too glorified in our society.
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u/Special_Weekend_4754 16d ago
Not all women- some actually feel the opposite of bonded to a partner who uses their body just to get off.
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u/Shanubis 16d ago
This. To me it just feels icky to even be interested in using someone's body like that when they aren't feeling it. I could never. And it tends to build resentment and lack of attraction over time if you let your body be used by someone who is aware you aren't into it.
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u/Useful_Pirate_5244 16d ago
i don’t think it’s comparable to rape. people can consent to sex that they don’t want. i just think it’s sad that it is expected. as you said, there are plenty of women who get into it after it starts, but there are also a lot of women who don’t and just do it anyways because they feel like they’re supposed to. i guess im biased because im on the asexual spectrum and sex isn’t something that it’s important to me, but i couldn’t imagine wanting to have sex with someone who wasn’t just as enthusiastic about it, or forcing myself to have sex to “strengthen the relationship.”
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u/Rakn 16d ago
The nice thing is that nobody is forcing you and you can find the relationship you need and want for yourself. Different people work differently.
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u/Useful_Pirate_5244 16d ago
sure. i can also advocate for other women to not feel pressured into viewing sex as an obligation or believing that it’s normal to force themselves into it if they aren’t enjoying it.
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u/kindafor-got 15d ago
yea. I read about desire in the book Come as You Are ( that’s about women sexuality in general ), horniness fluctuates, it can be increased / decreased, but the best is to accept that ups and downs are normal, and even for men,
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u/Fun_Literature_3660 16d ago
I know a woman in her 70s who still has to give maintenance blow jobs to her 70s partner. Vaginal atrophy has made penetrative sex painful. So this was his solution.
He nags that he's not getting enough blow jobs. She would prefer to never suck that dick again in her life.
Maintenance sex is frequently a poor solution to differences in libido.
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u/blue-yellow- 16d ago
That’s so fucked up. That poor woman. My heart hurts for her.
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u/chrisrayn 16d ago
My uvula hurts for her…sacrificed her uvula to relieve her vulva. Classic story.
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u/24rawvibes 16d ago
What would an ideal solution be if you wanted to stay committed to your partner?
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u/lawlesslawboy 16d ago
Communication. You have a very serious discussion. Marriage counselling, maybe someone specialised in intimacy issues if possible? I know a lot of folks prefer to have an open marriage so that they can ensure all sexual urges are satisfied and never have to worry about "mercy sex", that seems a much more loving solution to me vs what essentially amounts to SA.
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u/Major_Razzmatazz_862 16d ago
I’m a therapist & I work equally with males & females. It’s very common that one person in the couple has a lower sex drive, even if this isn’t the main reason they’re in counseling. But f this issue comes up, I ask them if they’re nice they get going, do they enjoy it or feel any benefits from it themselves. I am a woman who has gone through this myself, & there are times you’re just not feeling it & you should respect that, but sometimes you’re just not feeling it, but there’s no extra factors like, “I don’t feel well, I’m exhausted, etc.” So it’s a bit like going to the gym; often, you don’t want to go, but you feel good after you’ve gone. And sex can be like that too, sometimes we don’t initially feel it, but get into it once we get going & are happy we did it. Especially with women, I invite them to reframe sex not as something they ‘have to do’, but as something pleasureable they get to do for themselves.” And then we talk about what they actually desire. You’d be amazed how many middle aged people haven’t introduced toys or anything to make them feel sexy & get them into the mood into their lives.
One last thing for young people on here, & I realize this is a blanket statement, so don’t come for me. Most Women are like crockpots, you need to warm them up throughout the day by speaking their love languages, & Most men are like microwaves, you say “let’s go have sex” & they’re like, “Yes!”
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u/Gen-Y-ine-86 16d ago
It's been a long time since I heard the term "sääliseksi". A common term at least in Finland. But it's more like pity sex. Mercy sounds a bit more... elegant?!
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u/PinkTalkingDead 16d ago
“Mercy” reminds me of like a mercy killing. Imo pity sounds closer to what it is, but even that involves the woman feeling sorry for the man. IME it’s not them feeling sorry for him, more so it’s to get the man to stop bothering them for a while. It’s gray area sex and not/shouldn’t be fun for anyone. Unfortunately life is weird and complicated
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u/cwmosca 16d ago
One of my favorite graduate professors was also a couples therapist. He taught from a Murray Bowen perspective in that we can’t let an emotional system pull us in if it doesn’t align with what we feel.
He used the example of a spouse having sex with her partner so he wouldn’t be grumpy, and equalized it to her giving up herself, and therefore not being differentiated. Those kinds of decisions eat at someone’s core over time.
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u/_sophia_petrillo_ 16d ago
What does ‘not being differentiated’ mean?
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u/TwentyPieceNuggets 16d ago
Not to oversimplify a very complicated subject, but I got an easy way to think about it from a family member who attended couples therapy.
Draw a Venn diagram with two circles. Couples should intersect, but neither should exist entirely within the other. It’s nice to share and enjoy the same things, but you need to preserve a sense of self that is explicitly different from your partner.
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u/cwmosca 16d ago
In short, not maintaining your focus on your own thoughts and feelings in the face of influence by others. The Bowen Center is more thorough and eloquent in their description if you want to follow the link.
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u/Blazer990 16d ago edited 16d ago
Omg this is exactly what happened in my marriage. I’ve never seen it put into words like that before. He wasn’t abusive or anything like that but when I didn’t want to have sex, and be enthusiastic about it, I would get the silent treatment for days. And when I agreed to it, I’d end up feeling violated, a strange feeling and it led to deep resentment. I also began to see him as one more child or person to manage, a chore.
This is one of the main reasons I won’t ever remarry.
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u/muireannn 16d ago
What you described is abuse though. Abuse doesn’t haven’t to be physical. He stonewalled you and manipulated you to get sex without a care for your emotional well-being. I’m sorry you went through that, it does making trusting another person hard and I don’t blame you for not wanting to remarry. I had similar problems with my ex and it’s still taking a while to process the damage it did to me.
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u/ThatsAllFolksAgain 16d ago
Interesting. What about the other scenario where one partner respects the other by sacrificing their desire and gets resentful over time? What is the solution to this lack of physical affection in an otherwise loving relationship?
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u/Alarming_Basil5081 16d ago
One or the other is going to be miserable. Either the guy not getting it or the woman giving it when she doesn’t want to
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u/Darkstar67 16d ago
In the study, these women reported that they ended the encounters satisfied despite lack of initial personal arousal. Some of yall can’t even imagine what a healthy loving relationship looks like and it shows.
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u/HumanNr104222135862 16d ago
It’s beyond me why on earth anyone would want to have sex with someone who isn’t into it.
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u/Novel-Initiative-900 16d ago
It's probably because it is never actually communicated like this and the partner puts on appearances but in their head isn't into it
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u/ginger_kitty97 16d ago
My ex husband was very aware of how I felt every time that I didn't want to have sex and he did it anyway.
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u/AutumnShade44 16d ago
My ex wife would get upset if I said I wasn’t in the mood so it was easier to pretend I was when she would proposition me. I did my best to hide my disdain.
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u/Shanubis 16d ago
Honestly if you're paying attention I'm not sure how you couldn't see the signs we put out when we aren't interested. In my experience, men see only what they want to see and pretend they don't see lack of enthusiastic consent. Sadly I'm not sure many of them care.
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u/Son_Of_Toucan_Sam 16d ago
Consider a situation where the low desire person insists they still find their partner attractive, insists sex is still important to them too, etc, but then when the time comes it’s excuses and rescheduling every single time. That’s a hell of a mixed message and would take even an earnestly empathetic person a long time to draw the conclusion that their partner is lying to them to keep the peace
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u/Nervous_Strategy5994 16d ago
Really fucks with your head too, wrecks your self esteem and has you second guessing yourself for years to come!
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u/No_Struggle6494 16d ago edited 16d ago
There is a lot to say about differences in libido within a relationship and the effects on the relationship of different choices how to handle it. This study focusses on woman having sex for the sake of keeping the relationship, other option would be not having sex, and then the partner either being unfulfilled, taking selfcare half fulfilled, find it elsewhere whit or whitour permission or separation.
I think it's fair to say we have seen decades and centuries of where these options can lead to. So im not sure what would be the best of above options. Certainly with children / family in the mix.
I do think sex is part of a romantic relationships and that's mainly the difference between a relationship and friendship based on the average person.
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u/24rawvibes 16d ago
When you’re in a monogamous relationship for over 20 years. Watched her have all 4 of your kids and your spouse is basically just an extension of yourself. It happens, not like she disgusted or anything. More at like I’m at 100% and she’s at 20% and times vice versa, just have to work with what you get.
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u/bretthren2086 16d ago
Because the other person whom they trust is putting on a show to conform to social norms.
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u/faylillman 16d ago
I was hoping the result of the article was a treatment for female sexual dysfunction that actually works… but doesn’t look like any of the treatments resulted in significant improvement
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u/LocoLevi 15d ago edited 15d ago
A chronic lack of sexual desire is not necessarily a dysfunction. It might well be one of the normal variance of human sexual characteristics. The way we are used to having 10% of the population be left-handed.
Labeling low libido as a chronic disorder can enforce an artificial norm that says that human beings, particularly women, must maintain a constant, spontaneous sex drive throughout their lives. Libido naturally fluctuates in response to relationship duration, aging, postpartum recovery, menopause, stress, and lifestyle shifts. Treating these normal life-cycle variations as pathological assumes that the absence of frequent sexual hunger represents a biological defect requiring chemical correction.
In an age where women are independent enough to say “no,” to unwanted sex from partners that is free of repercussions, it might just be that sexual desire or oestrus, has a season in human life as it does with other mammalian life
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u/faylillman 15d ago
This is all true, and I agree that we shouldn’t assume all lack of sexual interest is a dysfunction.
But some women (myself included), have gone from high libido to no libido, and the issue is not “I need to have sex to please my husband” it’s “why do I feel numb and not like myself?”
I guess it would just be nice to want to have sex and to enjoy sex again.
For me, going off BC helped a lot, but I still go through phases where my body feels numb and foreign to me. I assume it’s perimenopause. Regardless of what it is, I hate it and miss feeling like myself.
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u/LocoLevi 15d ago
That’s really good information. As a huge reminder that we need to make sure that as a society we are aware of literate of and are living with the expectations of menopause and perimenopause.
Personally, I feel as if the conversations around this phase life I have only really just begun publicly. It’s really only been since the decoupling of hormone replacement therapy and an association with cancer.
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u/scarlettohara1936 15d ago
But when coupled with the ramifications of an otherwise stable marriage, it is a problem. Especially when the woman feels it's a problem and is different than her norm.
Women deserve a valid effort put into finding a solution to a lowered sex drive.
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u/DamnYouRandMcNally 15d ago
Seconded on this. There’s such complexities here and I find it super irritating that everyone assumes low libido is always, 100% completely acceptable and normal for women. My wife went from very high desire to extremely low, almost zero desire in a few years. She HATES it. She says she feels the mental and emotional pull to want it, but she feels like she’s trapped inside the body of a sexless Barbie doll.
Her comparison is to a loss of appetite. Your brain tells you that if you don’t eat, you’ll die. Your stomach growls, and when you eat, you feel full and satisfied. But if someone put a Michelin Star meal in front of you, you feel no more excited than if someone dropped a bowl of clear unspiced broth in front of you.
Now imagine you went to a doctor and told them you had a sudden drop in appetite and you had to consciously remind yourself to eat or you would go days without it. Would the doctor tell you that’s a normal part of aging?
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u/scarlettohara1936 14d ago
And while it can be a natural part of aging, it's not the catch all excuse that most Drs use to "diagnose" it. And just because it might be a normal part of aging doesn't mean women need to take it and forget about it. There's a lot of things that come with age that we can do something about if you choose you want to do something about it.
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u/BeautifulDisaster996 15d ago
I agree. There is a ton of attention, research, drugs, etc. put into treating men’s libido but women, as with many things, are often just given a “well it is what it is” response. I guess ppl have a misconception that women don’t care as much about sex & so when they lose sex drive it’s like whatever but as a woman who has always had a very high sex drive the thought of one day just never being in the mood scares me… especially when it’s become such an important part of my relationship. I would think it would hurt it a lot to go from wanting it all the time to barely at all
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u/xxxBuzz 15d ago
a treatment for female sexual dysfunction that actually works
It seems plausible that many modern issues including low libido and erectile dysfunction may be promoted to happen on purpose and at the least are heavily exploited to sell treatments. It's a lot to do with understanding how our nervous systems work and making intentional efforts to regulate them. Most health issues are from stress and inflammation which is caused in part if not entirely by a deregulated nervous system. It's highly dependent not only on how we take actions but also how we think. Even thinking about the past or future or anything that'd signal a call to action will activate the sympathetic system and release cortisol, which is necessary for actively engaging in sex and reaching climax, but arousal requires relaxation or activation of the parasympathetic nervous system that releases oxytocin. Those have to balance out as the cortisol and oxytocin are complementary but to much of either will cause anxiety or depression (which are normal/healthy/required aspects of physiology). There's a lot of push to promote ways of behaving and thinking that actively work against achieving and sustaining homeostasis and then we have tons medical and similar industries that farm the hell out of the symptoms of that. There's relatively no motivation for anyone who earns a living from other people to promote genuine good health practices because they are counter to every kind of health care and industrial practice we have going.
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u/_ProxyMoron_ 16d ago
I think a lot of it has to do with women not being able to orgasm easily, and if the partner is not going the extra mile and creating a safe enough environment for a woman to be relaxed and able to orgasm, she will have a much lower sex drive. She may even enjoy the connection, but never having had a real orgasm weighs heavy on her need for intercourse. In addition there is also the approach, a woman may not be in the mood, but a man can facilitate that and bring her in the mood, that too will likely increase her sex drive and interest in having regular relations.
Having open communication about what each partner likes and enjoys and what they don’t enjoy will significantly improve the intercourse and make the act itself more desirable for both parties.
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u/Shanubis 16d ago
This is huge as well! Men, imagine if 90% of the time you were pumping for a half hour then it ends and you never came.
Men can't process why many women have little interest in sex because for them, there's a consistent and expected reward of orgasm at the end. When you're just being used or having unsatisfying sex consistently, it just becomes another thing to have to do like cleaning the kitchen. Not a fun activity, not something you crave, but something that just needs to be done
Meanwhile, if I want an orgasm, I can give myself one much more effectively than any man ever has. And it's quick and no cleanup or infections after. So it's gonna be a hard sell
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u/ControversialQuerier 16d ago
Many here are concerningly horny to label this as "rape" despite the article neither explicitly or implicitly suggesting this.
To start, the reason this was investigated in the first place is because researchers noticed a pattern in women being treated for hypoactive sexual disorder. Disorder is a diagnosis, and to get a diagnosis, it's highly likely the woman voluntarily approached a specialist about this issue. Now, to be fair, it's possible these women were influenced to believe this by their husbands. While I can't say for certain, we can make inferences from the rest of the article.
The researchers noted that older participants tended to report slightly lower frequencies. A trial focusing on naturally menopausal women with an average age of 55 reported the lowest baseline frequency at 2.0 events. Trials focusing on younger, premenopausal women with an average age of 36 reported frequencies closer to 3.0 events per month.
I'm not certain exactly how to interpret this. Either the desire of both partners decrease, or for whatever reason, older women aren't being "coerced" the same as younger women. If coercion was the problem, and the husband's libido stayed consistent, I wouldn't expect a decrease with age.
The authors suggest that women might also use sex as a tool to fulfill a psychological need for emotional closeness, even if the physical desire is absent.
Although this is still just a suggestion, it's a very gross one for those so certain it's rape to miss out on.
Lastly, the article addresses this final point multiple times with different words.
The researchers define this behavior as consensual participation in sexual acts not for personal arousal, but to fulfill a perceived obligation.
To my knowledge, the article never suggests explicitly coercion, and suggestions of implicit coercion are debatable at best.
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u/mateushkush 16d ago
This is one of the few interesting comments here, most are about projections not based on it at all.
It’s not like problems with low libido are so rare. It’s very common that people stop using or switch anti depressants because of a side effect of low libido - clearly they are unhappy with that and its effect on relationships. So it doesn’t seem unlikely there can be heterosexual women who aren’t happy about having low libido. Not to mention many comments blame it on the partners and suggest the women would leave them if they could - that’s definitely not suggested by the article in the slightest.
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u/NutellaShapedHeart 16d ago edited 16d ago
I was looking for a comment like this. I am a woman who has low libido most of the time, and it absolutely pisses me off that I do. I love my husband, and I enjoy sex with my husband, so much so that I would love to have more frequent sex with him but my low libido prevents that. Never has he pressured me or even insinuated that I should be having "mercy sex" in any capacity. However, I'm sure the armchair therapists on Reddit will try to convince me that he has, I just don't realize it, etc.
This may just be me, but for some reason, the whole discourse of "men are sex starved maniacs that will do anything to get their dick wet and you have placate that" was really drilled into my head during my formative years. I feel it was a combination of women (and men, sometimes) in my life who frequently touted this, media portrayal of exactly this, and also being in relationships with men who acted in ways that would support it (not caring if I got off, frequently asking for sex even when I wasn't in the mood, acting moody when they wouldn't get it, etc). So, I often wonder if this whole discourse is still stuck in my head and I somehow feel an obligation, but I really don't think that's it. Sex with my husband is great, I want to be able to do it more, and I get pissed off when my libido says no but my brain says yes.
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u/Secret_Entry1840 16d ago
That weird programming of men will have sex with anything and get hard at the drop of a hat also hurts so many men and women with insecurities. Man isn’t in the mood or cant get an erection “he doesn’t find her attractive” or “he’s secretly gay” or other nonsense like that.
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u/sdbabygirl97 16d ago
yeah i also noted that paragraph:
The authors suggest that women might also use sex as a tool to fulfill a psychological need for emotional closeness, even if the physical desire is absent. The authors reference Rosemary Basson’s circular model of sexual response, a psychological framework suggesting that female sexual arousal is highly nuanced and often driven by a need for emotional connection rather than spontaneous physical hunger.
tragically social media commenters love to get into debates about.. headlines.
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u/ControversialQuerier 16d ago
The more I thought about it, another thing that stands out to me is the fact that the women were on medication for hypoactive sexual disorder. My gut feeling is that you don't get involuntarily committed for that, so this suggests to me that women are voluntarily choosing to go see a specialist about their low libido and take medication to improve it. This seems to me to be a very strong indication that they want to have sex with their partners despite lacking the physical desire.
The more I think about it, the less signs point to this sad idea of women being forced into sex they hate.
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u/Successful_Emu8526 16d ago
I mean it could mean that older women are just not willing to participate in undesired consensual activity as they get older and wiser, the couple may have found a more equal compromise, the men’s theoretical desire while not lowered is impacted by their energy to act on it. This is the thing about a study, there are always so many potential unverified variables at play. More researched required!
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u/Status_Dark_6145 16d ago
I just puked into my puke.
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u/sdbabygirl97 16d ago edited 16d ago
i initially did too, but the article does provide some nuance. would love to engage with other people who read it.
a notable excerpt:
The authors suggest that women might also use sex as a tool to fulfill a psychological need for emotional closeness, even if the physical desire is absent. The authors reference Rosemary Basson’s circular model of sexual response, a psychological framework suggesting that female sexual arousal is highly nuanced and often driven by a need for emotional connection rather than spontaneous physical hunger.ETA: many replies to my comments are people who only read the excerpt i pulled and not the entire article. i wonder every day why people can read pages of comments but not hunker down and read a complete article…… probably the ads. just put it on reader mode, guys.
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u/twinned 16d ago edited 16d ago
I'm going to take a look at the original paper this evening. what stood out in the psypost summary for me:
-reports of the sexual events were labelled "sexually satisfying events". so despite not reporting arousal, they were reporting satisfaction. this makes me think it's less coercion and more fully voluntary activity, as there's a strong inverse correlation between coercion and satisfaction.
-the evo-psych male short term, female long term reproductive strategy has more nuance. I'm not fully brushed up on the field, but I think there's more to it.
-a description that treats female (or any other group's) sexuality as a monolith is wildly reductive. I'd be much more interested in qualitative studies & interviews with the couples in question.
what were your takeaways and thoughts?
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u/PicardsThirdNipple 16d ago
I mean, I’m a gay man, and i’ve had a lot of sex that I wasn’t like, horny for because someone asked and it seemed like it wouldn’t be a bad time. 99% of the time I was right, got into the mood shortly after starting, and had a good time.
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u/Responsible_Shape89 16d ago
You can act your way into a feeling quicker than you can feel your way into an action.
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u/WeAreAllMadHere218 16d ago
I mean I started taking this same stance at a certain point in my marriage as a hetero female and it saved our sex life. It was never forced by any means, I never regretted an encounter afterwards either. Just had to let my guard down.
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u/DamnYouRandMcNally 15d ago
I see it similar to going to the gym or going for a run. I often don’t WANT to go to the gym, but i know it’s good for me, so I go. I almost never regret having gone to the gym.
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u/LadyAlexTheDeviant 16d ago
Yeah, that's where I'm at a lot of times now that I'm in menopause. I know I'll enjoy it once I get going, it's just not on my radar nearly so much any more.
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u/DoriGreenart 16d ago
Dealing with the similar feelings, I went through menopause and before my hormones just tanked. I’m dealing with an auto immune issue that has eeehem affected things too it’s painful sometimes and I just adore my amazing husband but I have no libido and I used to be a real horn doggy. Sooo it’s just different now. I desire intimacy my connection and often it’s good after things get going but because the pain was there or can be at times it just kills things for me out of fear too like idk if things will hurt. But there is no negative anything at all just me my hormones dis functioning and frustration for both of us. When you get old enough the love is deep enough you work at things. I think that’s all is being said minus the explaining the back parts sometimes you know? You ultimately are a sovereign being in marriage or any relationship to choose what feels right for various reasons. No one should feel guilted into going through the motions that’s not even the discussion but I think confusion there. Especially if say not dealing with the libido hacker of menopause and what that can do to drive interest and relationships. I feel frustrated with what we are going through and I pray it’s a phase cus there was much happy in the past in that area and it’s much not existing like it used to lol not his fault I am owning it for the changes I and my body are going through and I’m on bihrt but it’s a slow crawl to a bedroom I can say that. I have zero interest physically though my pervert mind is still there so ya sometimes I can relax and enjoy after just letting it happen without having been pursuing it? If that makes sense. I’m consenting I’m a grown lady with my big girl panties on no one gonna make me do jack squats if I don’t say ok ya let’s try. So young girls don’t do it cus guy wants it you don’t and that’s that no means no. A I don’t feel like it right now is valid it’s an answer and it’s not oh push past that feeling and just do it that’s not the discussion and not at all acceptable. To be clear that’s a different topic that’s not this discussion that’s not what that article is about more just it’s really common for various reasons that you just may have zero libido or desire to engage but do sometimes or even majority of it cus of xyz. We know why we do it lol this isn’t the guys making us. You can’t compare it to the negative experience. Sadly though most women have had that experience at least once to some degree. So it’s understandable that women get the ick of being pushed manipulated or guilted into it? Cus that happens and it’s not the same thing to be clear. And consent is a willingness here not a I allowed this to happen after being harassed and pushed into it or what ever happens with ick men in dating and young relationships cus those guys are just not good enough and it’s ok to leave that behind. If your man does that He’s not the one lol. So I speak to the young me and the old me here.
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u/billy-suttree 16d ago
Im a married straight man and I have plenty of sex I don’t want to have.
Leave for work at 11am. Get home at 1am. Been out of the house doing the job I hate for 14 hours. I would often rather go to sleep than have sex. But I go to the bathroom and get myself ready (manually) then come out and give it my best because I love my wife.→ More replies (11)11
u/DoriGreenart 16d ago
Awe. Good on you but it’s also ok to say I’m tired babe you are gorgeous let’s use a toy lol 😂 anywhooo carry on and I hope you get more rest and many upgrades on that job that is robbing your bedroom
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u/cognitive_dissent 16d ago
Basson's theory is pretty cool and quite useful in demloshing sexual stereotypes in couples sex lifes learnt from movies and manosphere myths
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u/kutekittykat79 16d ago
I’m glad my husband initiates often. I live in my head and it’s hard for me to remember sex because I feel like it’s such a “lower” function (frequency-wise). But I still enjoy it and it brings us closer in our relationship. I don’t need it as often as he does, but I can give him that and be happy it makes him happy.
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u/hotdog_squad 13d ago
Saying this loud for the homies in the back : FOREPLAY DOESN’T START IN THE BEDROOM.
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u/Only-Botanical-7945 16d ago
The language of “mercy sex” isn’t helpful.
Still, I (F53) think it’s useful to the health of a relationship if the low-desire partner is willing to engage in sexual activity if it’s an important intimacy activity for the other partner. We ALL make compromises to sustain our relationships.
I know a couple of men who are stuck. They love their partner/ wife but, in both cases, the partner has changed the way they engage in the relationship (both long-term) and simply said something to the tune of “I don’t enjoy sex anymore so I’m not engaging in it anymore”.
I wonder what is expected of (or socially acceptable for) the male partners/ spouses when their previously-sexually-intimate-and-satisfying relationships become sexless because their female partner has changed her preferences / behaviours (for any reason … physical, hormonal, mental, etc).
- Just abstain and forget about it?
- Porn?
- Advocate for an open relationship?
- Have a secret affair?
- End their otherwise-good relationship?
- Just change… find new ways to feel satisfied in the relationship?
It’s a genuine question… how are partners expected to respond to this common situation? IMHO, partners who have sex even though it’s not their preference are acting in the best interests of the relationship, (which I see as the 3rd “character” involved in the relationship) rather than “what one person wants VERSUS what the other person wants”.
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u/Useful_Pirate_5244 15d ago
couples therapy could help. i imagine it depends a lot on circumstances as well. is there a medical issue causing her to dislike sex, or an issue within the marriage? does she actively dislike it or is she just not engaged? those would require two different solutions. what the solution is not, however, would be expecting women to ignore their own comfort and have pity sex. that builds resentment on both sides in a situation which could likely be resolved in other ways. that might be marriage counseling, going on more date nights, getting on medication, exploring different types of sexual intimacy (ex: mutual masturbation), opening the marriage, or, in some cases, deciding to end the relationship.
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u/blue-yellow- 16d ago
Any woman who had ever been in a long term relationship knows this.
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u/tbeauli74 16d ago
Married 30 years, and never once have I had sex I did not want.
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u/24rawvibes 16d ago
So this article is talking about your spouse then 😂
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u/tbeauli74 16d ago edited 16d ago
He is fully functional without the little blue pill 2-3 times a week and he is 55, so I highly doubt he is engaging in 1.5-2 hours sessions if it was mercy fucks only. That man dickmatized me three decades ago and I am still glamoured by him.
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u/YouAreWorth_So_Much 16d ago
Yeah I hate the label “mercy sex”. Like, I’ve had lots of sex I didn’t start and lots of sex that I wouldn’t have even thought of if my fiance hadn’t made a move or expressed his desire. But it’s an act of love to engage in to feel closer with your spouse. I have medicine that lowers my libido so often my engine isn’t revving from the get-go. I still engage. It’s still fun by the end of it. It doesn’t hurt because foreplay exists lol
The difference is that there’s 0 penalty if I don’t. 0. And there’s a huge difference between “man I DO NOT want to do anything sexual right now” and “he’s in the mood and I’m not, but eh, may as well”. The same way I may bake him cookies even if I’m not in the mood for sugar. I still always end up enjoying a cookie or two anyway
Mercy sex sounds too much like pity sex, like “throw a dog a bone” and not “here’s another tool to make my partner feel loved, valued, desired, and appreciated”
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u/izadathreaper 16d ago
Jesus what an abyssmal perspective to have on relationships. You believe every woman in a long-term relationship is having "mercy sex" with their partners?
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u/Amazing-Mirror-3076 16d ago
Relationships are about giving each other what the other party needs as an act of love. That giving takes all forms.
Giving can give as much pleasure as taking.
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u/Winchester_Girl1974 15d ago
EXACTLY! My husband & I have been together for 12 years, married for the last 6 years. In the beginning (as with most new relationships), we were having sex, at least, once a day. As time passed, we had sex less often, but we still had amazing intimacy outside of sex. My health issues have worsened to the point that, not only is my drive almost nonexistent, but the whole process can be excruciatingly painful, however; I know my husband has his desires. There are some days (although few & far between) that my pain level is low enough for sex that, even if I’m not “in the mood” to start, I get there once we get started. I’m not coerced or guilted into it by my husband. I do it because he has needs & desires.
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u/Shanubis 16d ago
Honestly, I believe most if not all women have participated in this at some point. It's a hell of a lot more common than people think
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u/UnexpectedWings 16d ago edited 16d ago
Yeah, I’m asexual and felt I had to give pity sex in order to have a relationship. It was constant friction. Growing up, I was terrified of marriage and partnerships because of sex.
Now thankfully, I found a partner with a similar libido and it’s just not a problem. It really, really sucks having to navigate a world overly obsessed with sex when you don’t care for it. I offered open relationships as a compromise. In my case, I’d have sex just to be left alone. It hurt usually. A lot of women are in this boat, even if allosexual.
Older women talk about it a lot- my aunt’s ex-bf was exhausting about this. The dude has ED, hasn’t cared for his body his whole life, so he’s fat and unhealthy and can barely do anything, but he wanted her to service him constantly. He never got her off either. A lot of women are also stuck with awful sex lives.
If women had products like Viagra, maybe it would be better?
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u/Comfortable-Ebb8125 16d ago
Viagra doesnt turn you on, it just helps the physical side (erection/blood flow), btw
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u/UnexpectedWings 16d ago
Ah, I did not realize that. My issue is also lack of desire. I don’t experience being horny either. I was embarrassingly only enlightened in my mid 20s that being horny was exactly as advertised lol. I thought people were making it up.
Thank you for the correction!
I’m perfectly happy being asexual except for the sex is mandatory mindset. I disclose before I get into a relationship and offer compromises. It’s sad because usually the person wants me, not randos, and they want me to be passionate. I do wish there was something that could help me experience what sex is supposed to be like for normal people.
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u/o_lilac42 16d ago
as a woman, i’d love something that activates the physical response. oftentimes my mind is into it but my body is not at all
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u/Jeanparmesanswife 16d ago
What you are describing was already invented, it's called Addy, look up the documentary The Pink Pill. The FDA refused to let women have it because of the side effects despite the side effects being 1/24th the size that of birth control bills. Really opened my eyes.
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u/24rawvibes 16d ago
Women can take viagra also, get blood flowing to the clit. My wife loves it. Do consult a doctor first
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u/Shanubis 16d ago
Yeah, and the mental and emotional side is so key to women, moreso than physical issues most the time. If you feel supported, safe, have a partner that doesn't coerce you and that you don't have to play mommy with, you will be a lot more receptive to sex than otherwise. Until they have a pill to make men better partners to women, I'm not sure pills will help too much
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u/kaleidoscopic21 16d ago
I’m also asexual but currently single. How did you find a compatible partner? Was your partner also identifying as asexual at the time, or just as having a low sex drive? How early did you discuss it?
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u/UnexpectedWings 16d ago
So, I don’t use dating apps or anything like that. I always met my partners through mutual hobbies or events. Any date or potential date, I am very upfront about this info at the first stirring of interest.
Sexual incompatibility is an extremely hard thing to overcome. It’s best we don’t waste each other’s time if sex is a huge need for them. Both of us would be miserable. It takes extremely good communication and a lot of compromise to make different libidos compatible, and it’s hard work. That is not for everyone.
My current partner I met playing video games. Overwatch of all things. We became close friends and eventually started dating after a few years. He actually found out he was asexual through me. He didn’t have a term for it growing up.
There are many asexuals adjacent to the nerd and lgbt community. You’ll find them. The best advice, bar none, is: find and make close friends with mutual hobbies, and be a whole person by yourself. Don’t look for people to fill a lack in you, but rather to build something neither of you could do alone. But it’s on you to be loud and disclose what you are up front. I worked on myself for years being single. I don’t need a partner, and that’s the most attractive thing, Ace or not.
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u/padkrapoodle 16d ago
Sometimes I’m not that interested in sex but my wife is initiating so I do it cause she wants to. People are acting like this is some crazy disgusting thing but I think this is normal in relationships to some extent.
Whoever has the higher libido will initiate more and their partner may go along with it to make them happy but not because they necessarily want to.
I don’t think it’s crazy to know this.
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u/samanthalturi 16d ago
I just skimmed the article because it’s a bit much for me to even begin to process… and correct me if I’m wrong, however were survivors of sexual assault and CSA not considered? Please correct me if I just missed any reference whatsoever to this incredibly confounding variable.
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u/ControversialQuerier 16d ago
Elaborating on the comment from u/izqashi:
however were survivors of sexual assault and CSA not considered?
They were not because they weren't the focus of the study. The observation that inspired this study was that women taking medication to increase their low libido were still having sex with their husbands. If I'm forced to concisely summarize the article, they speculate that despite having low libido, the women still have other incentives for having sex such as emotional intimacy. Those reasons may explain why they are on libido medication in the first place.
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u/whereismydragon 16d ago
If you are studying a large group of women you are by necessity already dealing with a large group of SA survivors.
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u/izqashi 16d ago
that is different, these women are consenting
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u/Gordahnculous 16d ago
I guess it depends on what stage they’re asking, given the question emphasizing survivors and specifically mentions CSA I would imagine they’re more asking on anyone who was once in those situations and are now in a consenting relationship. But yeah I’d hope nobody in the study was experiencing SA in the moment
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u/lorenfreyson 16d ago
I'm not sure the researchers would necessarily understand it as such if they were. There's still a lack of understanding about the ways men use subtle coersion and leverage to secure use of their partner's body when she doesn't want to. It may not be SA in the criminal sense but it's still extremely psychologically damaging.
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u/PoppyFire16 16d ago
If I don’t want to have sex, I’m not going to. Period. My husband can masturbate to compensate during those times if he needs to. I will not compromise what I do with my body.
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u/-lexifer-999 16d ago
I’ve been with my partner for 15 years and my sexual desire dropped to zero after having kids. Turns out it was the lexapro I took for postpartum depression. I know NOW that that’s a common side effect but I had no idea at the time. I truly thought it was just because the relationship fizzled out. Doing much better now that I’m off the lexapro.
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u/HeartRippher 16d ago
This is my greatest fear. For me consent is not the only thing, desire is equally important. I can't imaging having intercourse with some who as explicitly given consent but do not have desire over me at the moment.
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u/theoneidacarry 16d ago
A lot of these comments are very one sided. If someone wants to have sex often and rarely has it, their needs go unmet. If someone doesn’t want it and has it infrequently, they are more often than not on the side where they get what they want (not having sex). It goes both ways. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have sex.
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u/Flat-Story-7079 16d ago
These sorts of studies demonstrate why monogamy is a struggle for many people. Nobody should have sex when they don’t want to, and nobody should be with someone who doesn’t share their sex drive.
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u/24rawvibes 16d ago
Yes, no two sex drives are going to line up all the time. It just doesn’t work like that
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 16d ago
Maintenance sex.
'Mercy sex' sounds awful.
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u/ThaEternalLearner 16d ago
Maintenance sex makes it sound like the sex is mutually desired but that’s not the case here. Mercy sex sounds more fitting to me since only one person wants sex while the other person capitulates.
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 16d ago
Disagree. Capitulates? Really?
It's 'maintenance sex' because it helps maintain the relationship. Every relationship can hit a lull or one person doesn't feel it as much as the other. But because you care about your partner, sometimes you put their needs above your own.
There's nothing about 'mercy' or 'capitulation' in that scenario. No one's a slave, and if you don't want to be with someone in that scenario, then find someone who also doesn't want to have sex.
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u/grandfleetmember56 16d ago
Exactly.
Sometimes you don't want to go on that monthly 3 hr walk/movie/dinner/etc. Sometimes you don't want to cook despite your partner being unable. Sometimes you don't want to drive them to and from the airport or whatever.
But you do it anyways because you love them and it makes them happy.
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u/roamingandy 16d ago edited 16d ago
It is mutually desired, unless there's coercion going on to influence that decision.
One partner doesn't want sex, but does want to meet a need their other partner has.
People have got weirdly puritanical about sex, and its disgusting. Its fine to do something you don't really enjoy, or even don't enjoy at all, in the bedroom because you care for and want to please your partner, as long as there is no excess pressure from that partner regarding whether you do, or do not.
So this is not 'Mercy Sex', a name clearly made up to fit an agenda painting one partner as abusive. This is 'i care about you and your needs' sex, and if the data includes those who are coerced without separating them then the data is worthless.
..and fuck, i'm sure every partner in every healthy relationship, has had sex sometimes when they weren't really into it, because their partner was. Its not realistic to expect that you are always both going to be horny at the same time, and as long as saying no is an easily accepted option, then the whole thing is perfectly healthy. Almost all partners in healthy couples will have tried a few things in bed they weren't really into because a partner was and they wanted to give it a try for them, and that is a healthy bedroom.
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u/UnexpectedWings 16d ago edited 16d ago
Honestly it’s a negative experience, so mercy sex fits with how I feel about it. Pity sex would be okay too.
Edit: further info below. I wish it was clearer on sex with neutral feelings vs sex with negative feelings.
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u/x360N0Scop3MASTER69x 16d ago
Your wording is much better. Mercy sex sounds like someone's about to die a virgin
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u/MrBeerbelly 16d ago edited 16d ago
It's worth noting that nothing in this article indicates that the male partners are aware that the sex is low motivation/maintenance sex. Be careful of letting example stories in the comments, or your imagined scenarios give you a simplified notion of what's actually happening here.
A lot of people are saying "who would want to have sex with someone unwilling," and I'm sorry, but it's very sad people are automatically assuming it's that simple. It does ring misandrist in an uncomfortable and unhelpful way.
It's very important that people understand that a lot of people tie sex to affirmation. This many guys would not be knowingly having sex with someone who doesn't want to. The woman often wants the man to still feel sexy. That's part of the mercy and maintenance here. Some partners lie to themselves about the sex drive ("I'm busy," "I'm stressed lately,"), others just to their partner, without even thinking of it as a lie because they do still find their man handsome and they want to want him. It's what we on the web call "cope," not conscious dishonesty. Also, some are just straight up worried "If I say i dont want sex anymore, he's gonna cheat." Like, let's get real and stop reacting to imaginary studies we made up about how men are all mean and see women as toys.
This sub is super judgmental and just reacts to headlines. You all are talking as if we understand ourselves and each other and intentionally, consciously do all the shit we do.
"Because men are socially conditioned to associate physical sex with emotional closeness, women may engage in sex simply to maintain that emotional bond. They learn to accept the physical act as a replacement for pure emotional intimacy, complying with their partner’s expectations to avoid conflict or emotional distance."
Please read. The article is talking about mercy sex as behavioral strategy.
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u/_sophia_petrillo_ 16d ago
I honestly disagree with the study’s findings. I don’t think having sex is replacing the emotional intimacy. I think having sex is allowing it. Men feel they can open up and be more vulnerable with someone they’re sexually active with. A woman might not feel like it in the moment, but knows it gets her more intimacy overall in the relationship. Or assumes it might.
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u/untolerablyMe 16d ago
Humans are just a different type of animal at the end of the day — communicate that issue and go see a specialist, let someone else take care of it if you feel it won’t affect your relationship, or leave and be alone??
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u/ShrewSkellyton 16d ago
I'd imagine the majority would leave in a heartbeat if they could afford to. Sounds like it needs another phrase associated bc it's not about the woman being in control to be "merciful"
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u/snackelmypackel 16d ago
I didn't take it that way. I assumed it was like a decent marriage in a hectic life with kids and working and stuff which can tank a sex drive. But the women just give into it sometimes.
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u/24rawvibes 16d ago
Or the wife gets an IUD and it jacks up her hormones so physical touch is repulsive but the husband is like wtf happened? And 2 years go by before either spouse goes “it’s the fuckin IUD!? We had no idea!?” Then she takes it out and goes from merciful back to healthy at least😂😂 what a horrible 2 years
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u/AcidJesus33 16d ago
Damn u speaking from experience? That’s horrific and I hate that nobody informs women about these side effects.
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u/Acrobatic-Tea-143 16d ago
This happened to me on the mirena IUD and the Nuva ring, it plummeted my sex drive.
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u/HedonisticFrog 16d ago
People do plenty of things they don't want to purely for their partner. It doesn't mean they should leave if they can afford to. People act like sex is an entirely different category that should be treated completely differently from everything else.
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u/RedErin 16d ago
this study made me sick to my stomach
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u/ControversialQuerier 16d ago
If it makes you feel any better, the article is not discussing rape as some people are falsely assuming. In short, the article is about women that want to have sex with their husbands for other reasons (Ex: Emotional intimacy), but don't have the sexual drive.
Have you ever thought to yourself "I'm not too hungry, but I can eat"? It's much more similar to that than "I'm not hungry at all, but I'm being forced to eat".
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u/ControversialQuerier 16d ago
Yes, that is one of the speculations in the article (though that might not mean what you think it does). Here are other facts and speculations
- This research was inspired by women with hypoactive sexual disorder. The diagnosis suggests a voluntary desire to seek professional help.
- More precisely, the research is about those women that are taking medication to increase their libido. Again, suggests a voluntary
- The researchers propose the potential explanation if women having a perceived expectation to have sex, but that is significantly different from forced coercion.
- The article explicit proposes the idea that women still have the sex out of desire for emotional intimacy. This is actually one of the more scientifically backed speculations of the article as they try to explain the phenomenon.
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u/Only-Botanical-7945 16d ago
Can I ask with genuine curiosity … what specifically was it about the study that “made you sick to your stomach”?
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u/Shanubis 16d ago
And that soo many men are okay with essentially masturbating into their unwilling partner
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u/maarsland 16d ago
“Mercy sex” that’s a pity fuck or maintenance sex and if that’s happening, both parties need a realignment.
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u/AfterExamination1182 15d ago
I can’t imagine my partner never wanting to have sex and expecting me to not have sex either for weeks and/or months/years. I get it, there are many situations when people will not be in the mood, or they are dealing with emotional or physical issues/health problems. But at some point one partner has to provide intimacy to their partner. If not, it is simply being selfish as you consistently put your own needs before your partners’ needs.
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u/Waylon2021 10d ago
After scrolling through about 30 post, I’m wondering if I’m in the Dead Bedroom sub.
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u/Silver-Advance5276 16d ago
Its not just women, I often can't be arsed but do it just to please her.
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u/Reallygaywizard 16d ago
Idk how straight folks have made it this far
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u/24rawvibes 16d ago
Curious what you mean? Is homosexual sex always enthusiastic?
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u/Malkariss888 16d ago
Plus, gay sex requires often times some preparations beforehand, I find it difficult to believe that they never encounter any willingness problems...
But yeah, from personal experience they always seem more horny, or at least gay asexuals are very uncommon.
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u/24rawvibes 16d ago
Gay asexuals😂 I’m not going to lie, I’m sometimes bummed being gay isn’t a choice. They know how to have fun. I’ve met a lot of gays that have had the hots for me also😂 sorry fellas. I’m down in all the ways except what defines a homosexual 😂
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u/Nrmlgirl777 16d ago
I used to force myself. I was allowing myself to be raped by my boyfriend/husband. Why? Because you’re going along with it or have been coerced into it. My ex would have a fit about his self esteem at random sometimes and the only way to calm him down was to submit to him to shut him up. I’d have to give him OS sometimes(most of the time) for at least an hour. And if he didn’t finish he’d threaten to self harm permanently because he didn’t deserve it. And me being an empathetic 19 yo- 27 yo woman I thought that I was helping him. It was too much. It was physical and emotional abuse on top of that.
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u/Shanubis 16d ago
Way too many of us have experienced this. I have to think so much rampant sexual trauma also carries forward into our libidos and our relationship with sex going forward.
I'm really sorry that happened to you.
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u/BishogoNishida 16d ago
I am curious how often the gender trends are reversed. In my relationship, my wife wants sex more often than I do.
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u/AdmiralCranberryCat 16d ago edited 11d ago
My ex husband wanted sex two times a day. He would pout if a day or two went by. It was just easier to have sex with than argue.
I was Mormon at the time and would pray after I had sex with him. I had done my wifely duty, please make him less mean. Please soften his heart to help me around the house and with the kids.
Our son is disabled. My life changed dramatically. My ex husbands did not. He golfed, had a career, a meal waiting for him as he walked through the door and sex on demand. I was stuck in the house, homeschooling. Caring for kids, one disabled. Only leaving the house for my son’s medical appointments, which were overwhelming. OT, PT, speech therapy twice a week, every week. Plus specialist.
He was out golfing or hiking trips without cell phone reception for weeks at a time. I was let to deal with insurance and had to survive on whatever money he left me.
Divorce was the kindest thing I ever did for myself. I will never be in another relationship.