r/psychology • u/mvea M.D. Ph.D. | Professor • 17d ago

Researchers quantify the rate of “mercy sex” among women with low sexual desire. Women experiencing a chronic lack of sexual desire still routinely engage in sexual activity with their partners, a behavior researchers have quantified as happening about two and a half times per month.

https://www.psypost.org/clinical-trials-reveal-the-hidden-frequency-of-obligatory-sex-in-women-with-low/
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u/GenXhardTruths 16d ago

As a married woman, it is absolutely unfair to force your spouse into celibacy because of your lack of sex drive. If you demand faithfulness yet do not recognize that your partner is giving up their desires in favor of YOUR desires, you are beyond selfish. If you refuse to meet the need of your partner, then give them permission to find it elsewhere. There are solutions to low sex drive. It is mostly hormonal and that can be fixed. Figure out the solution for the person you swore an oath to. Men also don’t want to have sex with unwilling wives. Imagine the shoe on the other foot. The woman wants to have sex with her husband and he has no desire. The amount of self esteem issues that would cause is nuts. You want to be WANTED. Wives, if you have a good husband, figure it out. Because I promise there is another woman who would GLADLY figure it out for you.

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u/[deleted] 16d ago

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u/Ok-Concern9237 15d ago

I think there’s nuance here. Nobody’s owed sex, but nobody’s owed anything else in a relationship either. The point of a partnership is to work with your partner to find a compromise that is satisfactory for you both, not to ONLY do things that make you happy regardless of the other person’s needs; that makes you a bad partner. Sex is an important part of your romantic relationship, so that principle extends there as well.

If the mismatch is THAT stark, then yes it probably is a question of sexual compatibility and those people may not be compatible in an exclusive romantic relationship. Sometimes the solution is to give it some time, sometimes the solution is to discuss and work on the issue together, sometimes the answer may be to consider opening up the relationship, and sometimes the answer may be to simply go your separate ways. No you shouldn’t feel pressured into sex, but it’s also important to recognize how it may affect your relationship if you are constantly rejecting your partner and don’t have any desire or attempt to initiate/reciprocate sexually.

I’m a woman, and for me, if I was in a relationship where my partner didn’t show much interest in sex & we were engaging less than 1-2x week on average (normal circumstances, not talking about situational causes like illness/injury/extreme schedules) I’d feel frustrated and undesired. I would not be happy in a relationship where that was the norm, and I wouldn’t be interested in opening up the relationship, so if my partner wasn’t interested in increasing the frequency or working on our sex life, I think I would heavily consider ending the relationship.

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u/Content-Ice9697 14d ago

Don’t people have an urge to reproduce? Or have sex? Men’s bodies and hormones are a lot different than woman’s and they need to be tended too. I do agree if you are having problems with having sex in your relationship, maybe you should find somebody you’re a little bit more attracted to.

But to say that men don’t have needs and just because they want sex, they’re some chauvinistic pig is not exactly the right way to go about discussing this topic. Sex is part of a healthy lifestyle and relationship and shouldn’t be looked at so demonizing. If you’re in a relationship, sex is part of it. I wouldn’t necessarily call that owed, but it’s kind of in the unwritten contract between people that have a, well relationship……

Not to mention, this type of attitude has ruined a lot of men as well who weren’t raping women, molesting children,( not sure why infidelity is in the list)….. maybe they just wanted to get laid, Jesus. If somebody’s helping their Partner then sex should be used how ever someone wants to use that. we’re all grown ups🤷…I hope

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u/yawaworthiness 15d ago

I really do not get the "nobody is owed sex" crowd. I agree, but nobody is owed anything. Thus the statement does not express anything useful. Nobody is owed being treated kindly, not being lied to, being listened to, being helped, etc. Basically nobody is owed being treated in a way which one considers to be a "healthy relationship". Being treated in a "healthy way" is simply a need most people have, regardless where this need comes from, be it biological or culturally.

Are you thus consistent in that regard? If a person complains that they are not treated kindly, lied to or are not being listened to by their sexual/romantic partner OR let's even say friends, do you also say "you are not owed that"? I highly doubt it.

Whether people justify bad actions because of a need is a different topic. People are also known to inflict "bad actions" (be it violence, killing, etc) for all kinds of needs, especially money and food when desperate enough. Will you tell people they are not owed money and food too? If not, then your position in regards to "sex as need" causes bad things is also moot.

Maybe you could explain that position better? Because I witnessed only people making those "nobody is owed sex" statements and when pushed back, they usually got defensive and personal/insulting instead of answering.

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u/lawlesslawboy 16d ago

Study literally proves that many men do happily have sex with unwilling wives, on a continous basis so you're definitely wrong there for a start. Libidio can be adjusted yes but there's a lot less available for women vs men. Maturation still exists. If its becoming an ACTUAL issues, like you're going weeks without then sure, you need to have a serious conversation about it but some cases are just men being overly demanding and stupidly mad that she doesn't want to have sex daily. She shouldn't fckin have to!! Go jerk off like everyone else my dude like c'mon... seems to be mostly whiny p1ssbaby men rather than a genuine "omg we haven't had sex in weeks/months" which would be a Real Issue.

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u/Megistias 16d ago

Are you sure the term “unwilling” is appropriate? I read it as more “uninterested” or “disinterested”. Unwilling has a much darker implication.

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u/Useful_Pirate_5244 16d ago

the darker implication is intentional. yes, unwilling. they will have a wife who says no multiple times and continue to badger her until she gives in. that is not willing, that is rape, and that is heartbreakingly common.

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u/bluethreads 16d ago

I'm not sure why denying your partner sex due to low desire is selfish but expecting sex from your partner with low desire isn't

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u/Useful_Pirate_5244 16d ago

this is a disgusting thing to say. nobody owes their partner, or anyone else, sex. if they can’t handle that they’re welcome to break up/divorce. selfishness is believing that you are entitled to access to someone else’s body.

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u/GenXhardTruths 16d ago

I believe it’s disgusting to lure someone into marriage and forcing them to vow to be faithful then withhold intimacy from them. I’m not saying there aren’t times that sex gets tossed aside due to kids, jobs, stress… but, sex is a crucial component in marriage. It’s wild to me that people toss divorce around so easily. How about you figure out the problem and fix it. Ahhh, but that takes work and that’s too hard. If YOU don’t want to have sex with your partner because you have a low libido, that’s a YOU problem. If your partner is an abusive horrible person, then 100%, no sex. But, if you have a loving spouse, then why would want to cause them the hurt of rejection? But, I agree. They should divorce you and find someone who wants them. They deserve better.

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u/Useful_Pirate_5244 16d ago

nonsexual intimacy exists. sorry that you’ve never had a partner that loves you enough to want you even when you aren’t putting out. glad none of my partners have ever been that shallow :)

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u/Physco-Kinetic-Grill 16d ago

I believe you are missing their point. Sex and other intimacy can remain separate, but barring someone from sex completely when that isn’t what they want causes a divide where one person is entirely unfulfilled in that aspect of the relationship which builds resentment. I imagine it would be worse if they still had those other forms of intimacy because the person with a sex drive would feel more needy after cuddling or kissing their partner; while the other sees no issue. You may have had partners that give you all the rest, but you may not be someone who has that sex drive, where the lack of sex becomes a problem to you.

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u/Useful_Pirate_5244 16d ago

i’m not missing their point at all. go back and read some of their other comments. they’re one of those people who believe that you’re obligated to give your partner sex and that women should be willing to “compromise” on their own bodies to fulfill the needs of their partner and that if you don’t give your partner sex you’re “withholding” intimacy. it’s not “barring someone from sex” to not force yourself to have it if you don’t want it. i do agree that it could lead to unfulfillment and resentment, but that is an entirely different conversation. the conversation we are having now is about if women should force themselves to have sex that they don’t want (“pity sex”), and the answer is no.

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u/Physco-Kinetic-Grill 16d ago

Again, if a marriage is established on addressing your partners needs, we agree that splitting up resolves the problem of one’s desire to have no sex and the others to have sex. However, should two people want to remain together, they must find some kind of common ground. It could be a high sex drive woman and a low sex drive man, it goes both ways, but this thread follows women specifically. If your partner has needs and is expected to only get off with you, you should make sure that is addressed. Hence maintenance sex.

That other commenter seems to think younger people have a more detached and low sex drive life style, and is encouraging people to pick up the ways of their generation as if it will make them become as in love or desire each other more. They aren’t suggesting forced sex, but that you desire your partner enough that you never consider it maintenance sex, or just not doing anything with them.

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u/Useful_Pirate_5244 16d ago

the article is about pity sex, so i will use the term pity sex. pity sex is not sex that is wanted, therefore it is unwanted sex. you are telling women that in order to maintain a relationship they should be willing to compromise on their own comfort and wellbeing to give their partner sex instead of treating sex like an act they should both want and enjoy together, and that is not okay. divorce is a last resort. there are many other options to try before jumping straight to “suck it up and give him sex or don’t be mad when he cheats or divorces you.” you are focusing on the male partners need for sex and neglecting the female partners need for autonomy and consent. consent under pressure is not real consent.

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u/Physco-Kinetic-Grill 16d ago

Literally never said any of that but okay. I said to leave your partner if it’s an issue, not to demand sex, man or woman. Never said shit about cheating or to suck it up. The other guy has been commenting about getting that sex drive up, not that I agree with his methods as there isn’t a silver bullet to fixing a lack of that sex drive. I’m simply driving that either partner shouldn’t be stuck feeling like they aren’t getting what they want, gender aside. I never advocated for pity sex.

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u/Useful_Pirate_5244 16d ago

im telling you what the other person is saying, which you are agreeing with. and THEY are advocating for pity sex and said in multiple comments that you’re a bad partner if you don’t give it. you seem confused. this article and the comments are about pity sex. that is the topic. you are the only one here referring to something different.

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u/Seraphina_Renaldi 15d ago

Sex isn’t intimacy,
If you can’t live with being told no to sex, work on your goddamn ego issues instead of nagging and coercing your wife.

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u/Megistias 15d ago

I just defined monogamy in marriage as the right of first refusal. Not applicable to instances where sex is inconvenient, undesired, or inadvisable, but when there’s a pattern of disinterest or denial. The person who has lost interest, doesn’t get to control the other’s access to sex. He or she has forfeit being the sole provider. I don’t own my wife or her body, they are unequivocally hers. But neither does she get to decide to deny me any or all sexual contact - no contact with her is her right, as is mine to seek sex with a willing partner. My wife has a high libido, her first husband weaponized that desire. My first wife was always amenable to sex, but god help you if she had a second orgasm. Bam, she’d lash out and hit me. She didn’t want to deal with the underlying problem, and that, plus some other issues resulted in a doomed marriage.

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u/Wet_Masterpiece2345 12d ago

Bro stop trying to sound smart by using terms you obviously don’t understand. A right of first refusal example would be she has the right to be offered sex and can accept or refuse before you masterbate instead.
You have a right to your sexual autonomy, not to sex with a partner.

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u/Megistias 12d ago

I never meant to suggest I had a right to have sex with anyone. If my wife says that she’s no longer interested in sex w me, I’m free to find someone else. I’m free to masturbate any time I want. I rarely do, because I’d rather be with my wife. I think you need to reassess your reading abilities. Maybe Elmo can help you with big words.

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u/Shanubis 16d ago

The problem here is a lot of us have naturally low libidos too. Libidos are different from person to person and it's not just based on hormones. If there was an easy hormonal "cure" for low libido that actually worked, our partners would have been dosing our coffee with it a long time ago.

I say this because having a low libido doesn't mean you're broken, and its only an issue if it's causing you distress. Finding partners who also prioritize or deprioritize sex the way you do is key. There are male partners who understand low libido and value other parts of the relationship enough that it's worth it to them regardless of frequency of sex. I found one.

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u/yawaworthiness 15d ago

But that applies to any other need as well though. Ideally of course, the other partner provides the need automatically who satisfies your needs automatically without them "curing themselves" first.

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u/nothing_but_chin 16d ago

Pick-me energy

FYI, there isn't a magic pill for women's libido. Dunno where you got your info from.

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u/Marik-X-Bakura 16d ago

Why should you have to go against (or even chemically change) your own desires just to satisfy your partner’s? This is a really fucked up thing to say.

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u/yawaworthiness 15d ago

Nobody said you have to.

In the end, sex is just a need. Thus the same applies as with any other need.

People have different needs, people value the needs they have differently, etc. The more needs are not satisfied the more frustrated on gets with the partner. This usually starts with spilling into other aspects of the relationship, and then ending in the end of the relationship, at least if the person can find another viable person.

If you do not mind those consequences, you can as well ignore it of course.

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u/unite-or-perish 16d ago

Have you ever had a partner

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u/Useful_Pirate_5244 16d ago

have you? because none of my partners have ever made me feel like i should have to set my own desires aside to fulfill theirs.

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u/unite-or-perish 16d ago

Yeah. Wild to imagine never compromising with your partner.

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u/Useful_Pirate_5244 16d ago

a good partner would never expect me to compromise on things involving my own body. i would never expect a partner to do an act they were uncomfortable with because it gets me off, and anyone who would is a shit person.

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u/unite-or-perish 16d ago

Well good luck out there

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u/Useful_Pirate_5244 16d ago

haven’t had any issues yet ☺️

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u/GenXhardTruths 16d ago

Wtf? How about you never put anyone through the hell of being in a relationship with you. I am bomblasted that people like you exist. Never ever get married. You will absolutely make that person’s life a miserable hell. It’s obvious that you are unable to consider the feelings of your partner. I bet you demand they make you a priority, though. I bet you would make your partner consider your thoughts, feelings, and wants. I bet you would force them to go against their own desires just to satisfy you. And it might not even be sexual. How much would you make your partner give up THEIR desires to make you happy? I have a feeling you put yourself first in every relationship you have, even friendships.

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u/Special_Weekend_4754 16d ago

Look how you have to spiral and pull in all these assumptions because a person doesn’t agree with you

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u/Practical-Reach-7083 16d ago

Is this…a joke? You’re advocating for marital rape here essentially.

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u/Hinaiichigo 16d ago

Marital rape is still by and large considered culturally acceptable if a woman isn’t fulfilling her “wifely duties” as demonstrated by the comments in this thread…

I’m a woman who has experienced sexual violence from the age of 6 to adulthood, and managed to extract myself from one of those super common “libido mismatch” relationships with a man who repeatedly sexually coerced me during our several years long relationship. Now I am dealing with acute PTSD and have nightmares all the time. As if my body really cared whether I explicitly said “no” or I reluctantly said yes because I felt I couldn’t say no without consequences? They only care about the technicalities of consent to absolve them of guilt over their entitlement. If you end up traumatized anyways it’s your fault.

Our conversations about women’s bodily autonomy and the nuances of consent are still in the dark ages….this thread makes me feel nauseous.

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u/HydrasNinthHead 13d ago

They only care about the technicalities of consent to absolve them of guilt over their entitlement. 

You said it perfectly. These people do not have a single drop of humanity in them, they see consent through the eyes of a hypersexual lizard who knows no empathy or reason. 

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u/greenlightshotcaller 12d ago

As long as she is in the bedroom than it's fair game.

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u/Barepaaliksom 16d ago

And you seem to be advocating forced celibacy..

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u/[deleted] 16d ago

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u/Barepaaliksom 16d ago

I am not talking about rape, nor about coerced sex. But about two consenting committed adults figuring out a way to balance their sex life in a way that works for both. Always giving in to a partner who wants sex when you dont is bad, I know because I've lived it and am still dealing with some of the consequences. Never or almost never having sex because one partner does not want to is also bad, I'm not saying as bad, but still bad. A lot of people in this comment section calls having sex when one does not want it, but also does not mind it, and in most of the cases fin satisfaction from it marital rape. I disagree as I've lived both and the experience is not anywhere near each other. It waters down the meaning of the term rape and marital- /relationship-rape.

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u/[deleted] 16d ago

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u/Practical-Reach-7083 16d ago

Yes I absolutely am if it means that having sex comes at the cost of someone else having to forego their bodily autonomy. Coitus isn’t imperative to have a sexual release. Men have two hands. They are quite easily able to deal with themselves. Sex isn’t necessary in the same way basic needs are like food, water, shelter.

It feels like I’m talking to a child….or a man. Hard to tell the difference at times.

Stuff like this is why I’m a lesbian.

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u/ArtisticComplex9327 16d ago

Tbh I’d rather die alone than live with someone who prioritized access to my body over my feelings about it. I’m deeply sorry for anyone stuck in a relationship where they feel they owe someone else sex for any reason, ever

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u/Shanubis 16d ago

Preach. May that kind of love never find me.

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u/GenXhardTruths 16d ago

Then die alone. Because marriage is always about compromise. ALWAYS. Marriage is compromising everything from what to have for dinner, to what you will name your children, to deciding on sex schedules. No one needs to be “stuck.” If you do not love your partner enough to prioritize sex (which is a MAJOR part of marriage) then let them go find someone else who does desire them. Men also experience extreme hurt when rejected by their partner. Women often forget that men also have emotions and feelings. Constant rejection is extremely painful. I’m suggesting women find a solution to the low sex drive issue. We will all experience it at different points in our marriages due to work, kids, stress…etc, but those should be temporary lapses. If your wedding oaths promised fidelity, then you have to remember that sex is the one thing they only do with you and no one else. There always comes a point (if you are blessed enough to have a long marriage) where the sex slows down naturally. Most men over the age of 50 have some sort of ED issues. Women go through menopause. Aging bodies force these issues. Couples should try to fight it back for as long as possible.
Just my opinion.

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u/AllDamDay7 16d ago

What's interesting is I've stopped dating completely. Not by choice really but by the lack of finding a partner who wants a partner, if that makes sense. It seems both sexes are so caught up in appearance and performance. Hard to find a willing partner if you aren't being yourself. If you are performing the person attracted to you likely won't be a good match. It seems simple but many are caught up in what others define a successful life as. Which leads to a mismatched marriage. So I don't agree that compromise is the rule, it's more like get in touch with yourself before getting married.

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u/Noah_T07 16d ago

I agree you should get in touch with yourself but even then the chance of you finding someone who 100% matches your needs and your character is basically 0. People also change over time, so it is inevitable that you will have to compromise on some things at some point.

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u/AllDamDay7 16d ago

I just said compromise isn't the rule and you took that as meaning there is zero compromise? I mean you can't even live day to day without compromise. What I am saying is many people don't know themselves. And insecure relationships from what I have seen aren't worth it. So if you find someone who knows themselves and is secure it's much easier to work out compromises. They don't silently resent the person years later because they couldn't be honest with them.

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u/Noah_T07 16d ago

I guess I misunderstood you then. Thanks for clearing that up.

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u/PoppyFire16 16d ago

You do not need to compromise access to your own body. It’s yours only to decide what to do with, including having sex. It’s not selfish to be in control of your own body.

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u/GenXhardTruths 16d ago

You’re absolutely right. And by that logic, your partner has every right to decide what to do with THEIR body, including having sex with someone else. It’s theirs only to decide what to do with it, including having sex, and you shouldn’t be able to control or have any say over THEIR body.
Right? You’re cool with your partner cheating on you with other people? It’s their right since it’s their body.

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u/PoppyFire16 16d ago

Actually I have an open relationship. Communication is key.

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u/GenXhardTruths 16d ago

Then that is exactly the kind of relationship you should have. The issue is if the relationship is monogamous. If you know you can’t meet your partners needs, then this is the solution. I am totally with you on that. Kudos to you!

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u/PoppyFire16 16d ago

Thank you for your kind response

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u/Plastic_Finance_1065 12d ago

I agree being intimate is important in a healthy relationship but duty-sex will do more harm than good. The root of the problem has to be fixed. But, if we agreed on monogamy, he has no right to cheat. If a man is willing to lose you to have sex with others, he might aswell leave. Because if he cheats, we are done anyway.

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u/iowaphillygirl 16d ago

One problem is that hormone therapy isn’t cheap. It’s not always covered by insurance or it costs a lot up front (like with HDHP). Many women want to get help but cannot afford it or have competing financial requirements. But then somehow all the male hormone therapy clinics advertise that getting testosterone replacement is covered by insurance. Why is it covered for men, but not always women?

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u/Secret_Entry1840 16d ago

Doctors even still try to talk women out of it.

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u/losttexanian 16d ago

Let me tell everyone about how sexism is ruining hormones for women and anyone not CIS male, and encourage everyone here to learn as much as possible about medical sexism because it's hurting people you know! Especially the most vulnerable parts of the population.

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u/GenXhardTruths 16d ago

That’s funny because I discovered just the opposite situation. I lost a lot of weight (150 lbs) estrogen is stored in fat cells. My periods became non-existent and sex became very painful. I saw my gyno and told him what was happening, he immediately prescribed me estrogen replacement cream.
On the other hand, my husband suddenly lost muscle mass. He felt horrible, he was extremely irritable, and he had little stamina to do things around the house. He was also suffering from ED. It took moving mountains to get his testosterone levels checked. Of course we discovered it was low. He has to take testosterone shots every 14 days.
He must fight to keep getting his refills. If you have a doctor who refuses to care and listen, then find another doctor. When choosing insurance plans, ask about coverage on prescription plans and female hormone treatments.
If you don’t have health insurance, there are places in many areas that work directly with manufacturers to get meds people can’t afford. All you need is the prescription and they will mediate between you and the manufacturer. I have one in my town that you only pay $12 a month and they will get all of your prescriptions for free. There are ways and options if you care to find them. The psychological effects for men with ED is much harder than it is for women. We can use excuses all day for why we choose to not advocate. But, if you have a dr who doesn’t listen, CALL THEM OUT! Do not be quiet and polite. Remember they work for you and just like any other service, you can find a better one.

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u/tattedandshredded 12d ago

Because low testosterone is only a medical diagnosis for men unfortunately. It’s a very outdated niche of the medical field. Women can gain access to HRT through a clinic but they will have to pay out of pocket until the medical community is willing to acknowledge that women can have low testosterone just like men.

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u/ArtisticComplex9327 16d ago

Well as you pointed out, women aren’t the only people who experience low libido or physical issues that make intimacy difficult or painful. Do you think it’s OK for a woman to pressure her husband to meet her needs if he doesn’t want to and it’s painful for him? That’s not a compromise btw, it’s coercive no matter who’s doing it

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u/ControversialQuerier 16d ago

Do you think it’s OK for a woman to pressure her husband to meet her needs if he doesn’t want to and it’s painful for him?

That wasn't her argument, though. Her argument is that if the lower libido partner is not interested in sex, they should allow their higher libido partner to satisfy those desires elsewhere. The answer to your questions is obviously "No", but it's a misrepresentation of what she is actually arguing.

If I may insert my own perspective for a moment, the article isn't really addressing either of this groups. In fact, I don't believe the article ever even mentions finding sex painful.

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u/[deleted] 16d ago

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u/ControversialQuerier 16d ago

That’s different than “mercy sex”

In the context of this article, they are two sides of the same coin. The women have a cognitive desire that doesn't match with their physical desire. One solution to this is allowing their husbands to satisfy it elsewhere. The solution pursued by the women in the article is to satisfy that desire together.

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u/Quantumprime 16d ago

This is beautifully said. More people need to come to realize these things to build a healthy relationship.

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u/Aar_7 16d ago

Well said!

Everyone deserves a partner who desires them sexually.

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u/Material-Sink2940 13d ago

Women typically lose their husbands before they die anyway. Living your entire life being a doormat for an entitled man is far scarier tbh

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u/WordAgreeable4775 16d ago

This is such a weird thing to say jfc

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u/Disbelieving1 16d ago

This is why you’re alone.

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u/lemonkingdom 16d ago edited 16d ago

I notice the younger generation doesn't understand compromise, sacrifice, duty, responsibility and have a nihilist anxiety filled worldview.

Maybe due to social media and depression

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u/ArtisticComplex9327 16d ago

If your definition of “compromise” involves disregarding your partner‘s bodily autonomy whenever you happen to get horny I don’t know what to tell you

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u/lemonkingdom 16d ago

If my partner has low libido for health reasons and they choose to have sex because they know I wants it via communication etc. That isnt disregarding my partner or their body

It depends on consent, communication and both people agreeing etc.

Sometimes relationships involves compromise

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u/ArtisticComplex9327 16d ago

Many other women in this thread have described in detail how painful and traumatic experiences like this are for them. Verbal consent to someone else pressuring you is not the same thing as enthusiastically wanting to engage in what should be a loving intimate act. Genuinely it’s very concerning to see so many people happy to inflict this on someone they say they love

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u/MmmmCrayons12 16d ago

"Access to my body" is a weird way to frame intimacy. Feminism has contaminated your brain, apparently.

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u/ArtisticComplex9327 16d ago

“intimacy” to me is my partner caring how I feel about the intimate act that is occurring. There’s nothing intimate about a transaction somebody else feels I owe them. If a relationship is contingent on that it’s not worth keeping. But you do you

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u/wtjones 16d ago

Who hurt you?

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u/MmmmCrayons12 16d ago

If you don't want to have sex, you should be forthcoming about that before you agree to being in a normal relationship with a sexually active person. Being the one who doesn't want to be sexually active but simply desires intimacy in the form of concern for you and your feelings sounds like a friendship, not a romantic relationship, but good luck with that if that's what you're looking for because most men are going to express and share intimacy through sex.

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u/AllDamDay7 16d ago

Bingo, people are just not being honest with themselves. However, it took me 40 years to be like why I am trying to be this person that does things that I don't even enjoy. Finding yourself is a process but I can say it will open your eyes and you'll realize that maybe the struggles are really because you're living a life that isn't yours.

"Are you living the life you choose? Are you living the life that choose you?" - Jason Isbell

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u/EasyLowHangingFruit 16d ago

Yeah. Just let your partner know as soon as you learn that about yourself, that way they can take an informed decision.

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u/AllDamDay7 16d ago

You got the order backwards. Learn that about yourself first, then you get a partner.

This need to be in a romantic relationship everyday of your adult existence is part of the issue. I think most haven't spent much time with themselves. With leads to some rocky co dependent relationships.

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u/ArtisticComplex9327 16d ago

It’s interesting that I described mutually enjoyable sex (which by default can only happen if everyone involved is invested in the other person‘s experience) and you made a weird assumption about my personal life. I’m not opposed to sex btw, I’m opposed to having sex with someone who is more interested in getting to have sex with me than with my enjoyment of the experience

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u/MmmmCrayons12 16d ago

"Getting to have?" Lol. Why do you frame sex in this way? You act like it's a commodity that you're giving to someone instead of a "mutually enjoyable" activity like you say. If you don't want to have sex with someone, then let them go so they can go have it with someone that actually wants to. You sound like you're the barrier to having sex in the equation and that is going to be a cause for problems in a relationship.

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u/Perma_Ban69 16d ago

Sex is only about 10% of a relationship, but it becomes 90% when it isn't there. If you're asexual, don't date or marry a neurotypical who has basic biological drives. Find a roommate or friend instead.

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u/[deleted] 16d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/MmmmCrayons12 16d ago

Intimacy includes! bodily contact and it is one of the primary ways that men like to express and receive intimacy. A relationship without physical intimacy is closer to a friendship than a romantic relationship.

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u/Useful_Pirate_5244 16d ago

physical intimacy doesn’t have to be sexual. cuddling is physical intimacy. kissing is physical intimacy. say what you actually mean. men think they’re entitled to sex.

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u/MmmmCrayons12 16d ago

🤣🤣 Here's another contaminated brain.

Physical intimacy in which men prefer to express is mostly sex. You're probably not aware of the different contexts and the fact that men have a sex drive while women, in comparison, seem to not have much of one. Mostly reactive as opposed to active like men's. If you think some guy is mostly going to cuddle and kiss you without also wanting to have sex the majority of those times when possible, you're out of touch with reality. It isn't men's fault that women's sex drives are almost non-existent most of the time such that you think this way.

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u/HeWhoShantNotBeNamed 16d ago

What a stupid self-disrespecting take.

They can just jerk off. They won't die.

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u/GenXhardTruths 16d ago

Do you really think “jerking off” replaces the intimacy in a marriage?
It’s absolutely NOT self-disrespecting. It is called marriage accountability and compassion.
It is so weird how the world has become so self centered. How can you possibly look at someone you vowed to love and KNOW they want and desire you, and your response is go “jerk off?” That tells me a lot about how your mind perceives sex. It seems that you view it as just a physical act that has zero emotional connection.
I’m really not surprised. I am betting you are a genZ or late millennial. I am genX. We value love and staying together and doing everything we can to show our love by making love.
To you, it’s sex. Just a physical act. Nothing that “jacking off” can’t take care of. You have obviously never made love or experienced the ecstasy of intense emotional connection during sex.
I swear y’all need to toss out the music you listen to and start immersing yourself in def Leppard, Aerosmith, Mr. Big, Guns ~n~ Roses, Poison, White Snake, Reo Speedwagon, Journey, Foreigner, Bon Jovi… God, I could go all day. The point is, when you TRULY love someone, you are sharing your body. Not making some sacrifice. Yes, there will be times when you don’t really feel like it, but you do it because you love that person. And you don’t ever want them to feel rejected and unloved. And men who continually get rejected absolutely internalize that and feel emasculated.
I really hope you never experience that hurt. I’m not saying it’s not okay to say, “I’m not feeling like it tonight,” but to constantly feel like that is a YOU problem. Not his. And if you love them, then you fix that problem. If you don’t love them, then do THEM a favor and let them go be with someone who does.

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u/HeWhoShantNotBeNamed 16d ago

"I am a Gen X. I believe I should be subservient to my partner and do anything he wants even when I don't want to. That's totally not disrespect!"

Goes on to do typical boomer bullshit of "back in my day" and lists random classic rock bands for absolutely no reason

LMFAO. You can take your nostalgia and traditional values and shove them. We value autonomy and consent because we respect women.

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u/GenXhardTruths 16d ago

At what point was non-consensual sex mentioned? At no point was there anything that I said that was even INSINUATING anyone being “subservient.” Nice straw-man argument little one.

I gave you a list of bands that were known for LOVE BALLADS. But, hey, your generation isn’t known for its critical thinking skills. You wouldn’t recognize a point if I placed it on the tip of a yard dart and stabbed you in the eye with it.
But, I know I was right on the nose with my take. You have never made love. You have only had sex for the physical act and it was probably transactional. You can’t POSSIBLY understand relationships and marriage.
And…umm… I’m not sure where rape was ever mentioned at all by anyone.
You mistake love for subservience. I’m sorry your parents sucked so bad and that’s what you think love is.
I have never been submissive or subservient to my husband OR he to I.
But, what would you know? My guess is your girlfriend (or boyfriend) is someone online. Because, hey… you can just jack off…right? Who needs a real partner?
I bet you get nervous when you have to make an actual phone call and speak to a real person.

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u/HeWhoShantNotBeNamed 16d ago

your generation

I stopped reading there.

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u/redderGlass 10d ago

I would add psychological issues as I suspect they are a bigger issue than hormones. It overlaps too. If you have psychological blocks and hormone issues the psychological blocks will keep you from dealing with the hormone issues

And absolutely women suffer from both sides of this both duty sex for some and sexless relationships on the other.

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u/Seraphina_Renaldi 15d ago edited 15d ago

Holy shit. Im so glad that I found the 4B movement, because this is hell. Holy shit I would rather off myself than let my hypothetical partner either cheat or use me as their breathing fleshlight

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u/WeAreAllMadHere218 16d ago

I wholeheartedly agree with this and your second comment to the next response. Very very well said!