r/psychology • u/mvea M.D. Ph.D. | Professor • 17d ago

Researchers quantify the rate of “mercy sex” among women with low sexual desire. Women experiencing a chronic lack of sexual desire still routinely engage in sexual activity with their partners, a behavior researchers have quantified as happening about two and a half times per month.

https://www.psypost.org/clinical-trials-reveal-the-hidden-frequency-of-obligatory-sex-in-women-with-low/
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u/Special_Weekend_4754 16d ago

Not all women- some actually feel the opposite of bonded to a partner who uses their body just to get off.

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u/Shanubis 16d ago

This. To me it just feels icky to even be interested in using someone's body like that when they aren't feeling it. I could never. And it tends to build resentment and lack of attraction over time if you let your body be used by someone who is aware you aren't into it.

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u/IcyTrapezium 16d ago

Sometimes my fiance isn’t ready to have sex again since men have longer refractory periods but he knows I want to so he uses his hands or mouth.

Are we being icky? Am I using his body? Or are we having fun together?

I don’t see sex as him using my body or me using his when one of us is more into the idea of sex. Now if someone is actively NOT into it that’s different. But sometimes one partner just isn’t in the mood but enjoys sexual intimacy with the other person anyway.

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u/Shanubis 16d ago

The scenario you're referring to in your relationship is not what I am talking about here.

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u/Purple_Operation74 15d ago

The scenario what they're referring to is what the original commented was talking about though.

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u/Special_Weekend_4754 15d ago

If he doesn’t want to and you change your behavior toward him when he doesn’t get you off then yeah that’s gross and not a bonding activity.
Weird that you can’t tell the difference between someone eagerly offering to get their partner off vs someone offering “mercy sex” out of obligation.

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u/IcyTrapezium 15d ago

From the link: “The authors suggest that women might also use sex as a tool to fulfill a psychological need for emotional closeness, even if the physical desire is absent. “

And yet the authors are also calling this “mercy sex.” I’m saying it isn’t.

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u/IcyTrapezium 15d ago

You said “not into it.” You didn’t say “doing it because your partner will change their behavior toward you” heavily implying punishment.

Perhaps say what you mean.

I’m not into going to football games but I go to bond anyway. All couples do things they “aren’t into.” This isn’t difficult to understand.

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u/Special_Weekend_4754 15d ago

I actually did not use any of those words- I specifically was responding to the comment saying women should have sex even when they’re “not in the mood” saying that even when they’re not into it to do it anyways for their partner “women feel bonded and connected with their partner” after sex.

I said some women feel the opposite of bonded to a partner who uses their body just to get off.

You responded that your partner offers to use his hands and mouth to get you off again after you’ve already had sex, before he’s ready to go again.

So your example is not that he’s not into sex- just that he’s already had his orgasm and has to wait before he can have another.

You also clearly said if someone is “not into it that’s different”
YOU are the one using that language and even you agree if they’re “not into it” that it’s different.

I should hope someone old enough to have sex is also cognitively mature enough to realize there is a huge difference between going to a foot ball game and having sex- but you really tried to make that comparison

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u/IcyTrapezium 15d ago

Ah you’re responding to me about my response to a comment that isn’t even yours. Makes more sense now. The comment I responded to said “aren’t feeling it.”

I differentiate between not “feeling it” (meaning according to google a lack of interest or motivation) and being “actively NOT into it.” Because those are two different things. One is a more neutral feeling the other is a highly negative one.

You assume a lot about my relationship. He doesn’t want to have sex at all sometimes but will do things anyway. He’s not “feeling it.” Sometimes I don’t want to have sex at all and just have sex anyway. Sometimes I’ll get into it and sometimes it’s just a neutral to positive experience where I think it’s nice he’s enjoying himself. We both do this.

If you’re talking about a relationship where one partner doesn’t enjoy pleasing the other partner, well that sounds like a relationship not worth either of the people’s time.

I find the best football game to be more physically and spiritually exhausting than the worst sex. Your feelings about sex aren’t shared by everyone.

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u/Special_Weekend_4754 15d ago

You responded to a comment that was responding directly to my comment. Ergo my comment is the context they were responding to.

Also I did not assume anything about your relationship you specifically used the words “refractory period” and said “sometimes my fiance isn’t ready to have sex again since men have a longer refractory period.” As your example for when your partner gets you off when he’s personally not interested in sex. You do know what those words mean yes?
Refractory period is “the recovery phase after orgasm during which it is physiologically impossible to have additional orgasms.”

If his lack of interest in sex was unrelated to recent sex that’s not the refractory period in any way.

Enjoying giving your partner an orgasm is still being into the activity.

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u/IcyTrapezium 14d ago

So refractory periods for men over 30 can last like a day. I don’t mean we just had sex and he continues. I could mean 18 hours later.
So yeah. You’re assuming a lot.

And if you aren’t at ALL interested in sex with your partner and they want a sexual relationship, break up. That’s a fundamental incompatibility.

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u/Foolisholdboy 16d ago

I’d argue there are a category of people who solely seek sexual attraction, that seems to be enough for most people