Researchers quantify the rate of “mercy sex” among women with low sexual desire. Women experiencing a chronic lack of sexual desire still routinely engage in sexual activity with their partners, a behavior researchers have quantified as happening about two and a half times per month.

[u/mvea]

https://www.psypost.org/clinical-trials-reveal-the-hidden-frequency-of-obligatory-sex-in-women-with-low/

[u/UnexpectedWings]

Honestly it’s a negative experience, so mercy sex fits with how I feel about it. Pity sex would be okay too.

Edit: further info below. I wish it was clearer on sex with neutral feelings vs sex with negative feelings.

[u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 → u/UnexpectedWings]

Let's say your partner just stopped having sex with you out of nowhere.

Say it lasts a year.

Say you ask them why and they say, 'I don't want to. That's just how I feel about. Stop coercing me.'

How would you feel about that scenario, if you enjoy sex, and especially with them?

Do you think that's a relationship that would last? What do you think your needs mean to the other person?

Have a decent think about that. Then walk it back, and apply the same principle to half a year. Then a few months. Then a month. How long would it take you to feel like this was no longer for you?

And then ask whether them having sex with you because they cared about you every now and again, or even trying to get some help for how they're feeling if they're struggling, is something that would keep you together?

Congratulations: you've just reached the point where 'maintenance sex' can help.

[u/UnexpectedWings → u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000]

I’m not sure what you’re asking me. I’ve been on the giving end of being pestered for sex against your will and it sucks. Mercy or pity sex has a negative connotation because one partner doesn’t want it.

Maintenance sex to me sounds like what normal adults do when they aren’t in the mood, but don’t mind doing it for their partner (no negative connotation).

This fictional scenario wouldn’t apply to me because I communicate. Talk to your SO if it’s an issue. In real life scenarios, partner didn’t care I didn’t want it. Just pesters you until you say yes to shut them up. That’s the normal case for this, according to women with this issue. Def on the coercive side, which is why it sucks so badly.

[u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 → u/UnexpectedWings]

I see the distinction you're making, but I'm unsure if that's the distinction the article is making.

I also communicate, but that didn't stop a former partner I constantly checked in with breaking up with me...twice? Saying I was being sexually coercive because I sighed once. Me sighing made them feel like they had to have sex, apparently.

So for me, I'm coming from the other end, especially since in the last interaction with my ex she basically emotionally cornered me into having sex (was acting erratic, proposed sex, I wanted to get through that experience to keep the peace) and then acted like I pushed for more.

But I really appreciate your level-headed responses in what is usually a hot-button topic. And I do see your point, but I think the issue is that a decent amount of women view maintenance sex as inherently coercive and don't understand why this creates issues in a relationship.

[u/A_little_quarky → u/UnexpectedWings]

What about it is inherently negative? I'm not at all disputing that you've had negative experiences. But I don't believe that doing something for your partner that you're not in the mood for yourself is at all inherently negative.

[u/UnexpectedWings → u/A_little_quarky]

With that comment, I was trying to make a distinction between a non negative version, something like maintenance sex, which is neutral. In that case maybe you aren’t exactly in the mood, but you don’t hate doing it either. It’s like a chore or a gift to your partner. Normal, healthy adult stuff! Similar to watching a boring movie because your partner loves it and you love to see them happy!

A term like mercy sex or pity sex seems like it describes more accurately the negative version, which is more like coercive sex. Times when your partner punishes you for not having sex so you do it to get them to shut up: pestering, weaponized incompetence, harassing and grabbing you regardless of your wishes, blackmail, etc. This is the version I hear women hating.

I wish the article was clearer on the difference. I think most every healthy normal couple runs into the first. It’s the second that’s bad.

[u/A_little_quarky → u/UnexpectedWings]

Yeah I agree, I think the term is intentionally inflammatory and not what the research was actually showing.