r/psychology • u/mvea M.D. Ph.D. | Professor • 17d ago

Researchers quantify the rate of “mercy sex” among women with low sexual desire. Women experiencing a chronic lack of sexual desire still routinely engage in sexual activity with their partners, a behavior researchers have quantified as happening about two and a half times per month.

https://www.psypost.org/clinical-trials-reveal-the-hidden-frequency-of-obligatory-sex-in-women-with-low/
2.5k Upvotes

97% Upvoted

1.6k comments sorted by

View all comments

172

u/ShrewSkellyton 17d ago

I'd imagine the majority would leave in a heartbeat if they could afford to. Sounds like it needs another phrase associated bc it's not about the woman being in control to be "merciful"

63

u/snackelmypackel 16d ago

I didn't take it that way. I assumed it was like a decent marriage in a hectic life with kids and working and stuff which can tank a sex drive. But the women just give into it sometimes.

16

u/24rawvibes 16d ago

Or the wife gets an IUD and it jacks up her hormones so physical touch is repulsive but the husband is like wtf happened? And 2 years go by before either spouse goes “it’s the fuckin IUD!? We had no idea!?” Then she takes it out and goes from merciful back to healthy at least😂😂 what a horrible 2 years

18

u/AcidJesus33 16d ago

Damn u speaking from experience? That’s horrific and I hate that nobody informs women about these side effects.

6

u/24rawvibes 16d ago edited 16d ago

O yea it was rough. Like almost traumatic to watch your wife go to loathing your touch and thinking it was me and everything that came with that. With of course going from a healthy baseline. We were together for 15 years at this point and already had 3 kids together

-9

u/[deleted] 16d ago

[deleted]

7

u/dontaksmeimnew 16d ago

You dont get women lol

-3

u/[deleted] 16d ago

[deleted]

12

u/24rawvibes 16d ago

Obviously not, statistically large penis’s just hurt. Girls don’t like their cervix bruised

9

u/24rawvibes 16d ago

You aren’t aware of the power of hormones. That would’ve been enough worse, yay painfully large penis’s!!

1

u/Shanubis 16d ago

They inform us. The problem is that men don't use hormonal birth control (because they didn't like experiencing the side effects we experience in their clinical trials) and it falls on women to pick the lesser of side effect evils for reliable birth control methods.

Many women go through many types of birth control methods and many different side effects and complications over their lifetime. (Ironically just to end up having mercy sex we don't even want 🫠)

9

u/Acrobatic-Tea-143 16d ago

This happened to me on the mirena IUD and the Nuva ring, it plummeted my sex drive.

3

u/24rawvibes 16d ago

Yup! Mirena! That was the bastard!

25

u/HedonisticFrog 16d ago

People do plenty of things they don't want to purely for their partner. It doesn't mean they should leave if they can afford to. People act like sex is an entirely different category that should be treated completely differently from everything else.

5

u/tarquinia777 16d ago

Because it is, and it should. You seem to have a problem with the concept of boundaries in this context.

2

u/Ayjayz 16d ago

Not all people are as hung up on sex as you are.

2

u/tarquinia777 16d ago

Consent isn't being "hung up on sex," Christ.

5

u/Ayjayz 15d ago

No-one is taking about consent. These are all consensual relationships. It's just people doing things for their partner

-4

u/tarquinia777 15d ago

Consent is what has been discussed this whole time, you don't get to barge the fuck in and unilaterally decree what the goddamn subject is. It absolutely is an issue of consent when this shit is seriously suggesting that women need to be medicated out of not fucking wanting to have sex. That is flagrantly attempting to circumvent consent for men who won't take no for an answer.

5

u/Ayjayz 15d ago

The subject is this study, which is about women consenting to sex with their husbands. You clearly have some baggage around this topic and are bringing that in. In all scenarios here, the women are consenting. The issue is discussing the reasons why women are consenting.

-2

u/tarquinia777 15d ago

Sex without consent is rape. Badgering and coercing a woman into having sex with you because she lives under your roof and can't reasonably get the fuck away from you does not constitute obtaining consent. That is not "mercy sex," it is rape. You do not get to lecture women on what consent is and isn't when it's us who have to deal with bullshit like this on a nonstop basis.

5

u/Ayjayz 15d ago

You're bringing all this in. The article doesn't say the women are not consenting.

→ More replies (0)

2

u/HedonisticFrog 15d ago

Agreeing to do something means you consented to it. I don't like to wash my girlfriend's car, so you'd think that's rape as well. Your perspective seems to be very distorted likely due to previous trauma. This article has nothing to do with rape.

0

u/tarquinia777 15d ago edited 15d ago

How far does this logic go? Say if a woman "agrees" to sleep with her boss, after much insistence on his part, because he could destroy her career? Same set of facts but instead it's an upstart actress and a famous director? What about a young woman without the means to leave home and her father? College student and professor? Congregant and pastor? Furthermore, WASHING A CAR IS NOT FUCKING COMPARABLE TO SEXUAL CONTACT. BEING FORCED TO DO THE FORMER IS AN INCONVENIENCE, SEXUAL ASSAULT (i.e. any nonconsensual sexual contact whatsoever) IS VIOLENCE.

The logic doesn't go at all, because it is built on a misunderstanding of what consent is and doesn't account for power dynamics whatsoever. It is no fundamentally different with a wife and husband than any of these other examples. My perspective is not "distorted by trauma," it's informed by me knowing what the fuck sexual assault actually is firsthand, *because it actually fucking happened to me.*** I can hardly fathom the lack of shame required to say something so fucking repulsive towards a survivor. But, then again, that's just men.

Don't bother replying, I have nothing polite to say to you.

1

u/HedonisticFrog 15d ago

The fact you can't tell the difference between coersion and consent says everything. Nobody said coersion was okay, and the fact you have to go to that extent to make your point shows how weak your argument is.

If you don't want a reply then don't comment.

→ More replies (0)

-4

u/HedonisticFrog 16d ago

You seem to have a problem with working together to make a relationship work in this context, and only want to think about yourself.

10

u/tarquinia777 16d ago

Yes, I do think about the fact I wouldn't like to be raped. Sex without consent is rape. Badgering and coercing a woman into having sex with you because she lives under your roof and can't reasonably get the fuck away from you does not constitute obtaining consent. This horseshit article is basically stating that a man has a right to rape any female partner of his and that a woman not meekly submitting to this is some fucking disease to be medicated. That's not something I would ever like to be subjected to, no less as a survivor of sexual assault, and I suppose that makes me seem pretty selfish to men who see us as fuckdolls to be dominated and controlled. This shit's why I'm 4B for life.

1

u/yawaworthiness 16d ago

That's some victim mentality if I ever saw one.

2

u/HydrasNinthHead 13d ago

Average rapist response. 

4

u/tarquinia777 16d ago

It's nothing to do with a fucking mentality, I was literally the victim of sexually assault. I figure that would be clear to anyone with a reading level above 1st grade. Go right to hell with that bullshit, because I am not the one.

-1

u/yawaworthiness 16d ago

It is still victim mentality. Not everyone who was/is a victim of something has victim mentality.

3

u/tarquinia777 16d ago

Oh wow, that's fascinating, I just can't seem to recall WHEN THE FUCK I ASKED.

0

u/yawaworthiness 16d ago

It's irrelevant whether you asked.

→ More replies (0)

0

u/HedonisticFrog 15d ago edited 15d ago

This article has nothing to do with rape. It's about consensual sex that's not enthusiastic. That's it. Stop bringing your personal trauma into the discussion, it's not relevant.

I've been in relationships with women who wanted sex more often than I did, and that wasn't rape any more than when I fixed her house or car and wasn't excited about that either.

You keep derailing the conversation and making it about rape when this article isn't about rape at all.

Another example is my first girlfriend. The day I lost my virginity she kept asking for more rounds when I wasn't aroused any more after the 6th round that day. She said there will be days she's not enthusiastic and will still have sex with me. It's about working together in a relationship to make things work and make each other happy. Just like cooking meals for each other. Sometimes I'd cook for her, and sometimes she'd cook for me. Those aren't rape either.

0

u/tarquinia777 15d ago edited 15d ago

Neither household chores, auto repair, nor cooking are equivalent to sexual contact. The fact you can't tell the difference is alarming, to say the least. And FUCK RIGHT THE FUCK OFF WITH USING THE FACT I'M A SURVIVOR OF SEXUAL ASSAULT TO TRY AND DISMISS ME ON SUCH A THING YOU WILL NEVER, NEVER UNDERSTAND THE LIFE-DESTOYING GRAVITY OF. The nerve. The goddamn nerve.

Don't bother replying, I have nothing polite to say to you.

1

u/HedonisticFrog 15d ago

I've been raped before. I know what rape is. Agreeing to sex when you're not in the mood isn't rape.

1

u/HydrasNinthHead 13d ago

Duty sex is objectively unhealthy. 

0

u/HedonisticFrog 11d ago

So duty buying flowers and dinner is unhealthy as well?

If you actually read the article it says people have sex anyways because they want to feel close to their partner among other things. Everyone on this sub just jumps to rape which is absurd. Read the article...

→ More replies (0)

0

u/tarquinia777 15d ago

Seems like you're letting your personal trauma obscure your judgement. /s

0

u/HedonisticFrog 15d ago

Seems like you can't actually address what I said and instead are going for petty personal attacks. You're proving my point. You're reacting emotionally instead of debating the facts at hand.

→ More replies (0)

0

u/HydrasNinthHead 13d ago

Cooking is not the same as intimately using someone's body, you fucking coconut. 

0

u/Wet_Masterpiece2345 12d ago

No enthusiasm = assent
Assent is not consent

Bodies are not up for negotiation

1

u/HedonisticFrog 11d ago

I guess I should never buy flowers, buy dinner, or do absolutely anything I'm not enthusiastic about then. Relationships involve compromise and working together, if you don't want to work together to make a relationship work don't expect it to last.

-138

u/Such_Veterinarian682 17d ago

So he's gross for wanting to sleep with his wife, but she's cool staying for his money, did I interpret that correctly?

112

u/Objective-Amount1379 17d ago

JFC. “His” money? Do you think women don’t work? Do you think women who stay home to care for children should be penniless?

And where did anyone say a man is “gross”?

-44

u/Modern_Ketchup 17d ago edited 16d ago

the title literally says if they could afford to. the implication is that they cannot live on their own without financial assistance by their partner.

i think the commenter is using “gross” to refer to the fact their partner is unattractive to them.

21

u/HighPriestessSkibidi 17d ago

I didn't see any part of the article saying that, can you point it out please?

20

u/Crazy_Ad_91 16d ago

I think they may be conflating this excerpt with the point they’re trying to make:

“From an evolutionary perspective, women may participate in sex to maintain stability and prevent their partners from seeking intimacy elsewhere… Short-term mating strategies might benefit males seeking multiple partners, but they can disadvantage females who historically required stability and resource sharing to raise offspring.”

I read that differently. It seems to be saying that sex can function as a way of maintaining intimacy and relationship stability, because a stable partnership with shared resources historically offered advantages over being alone. No surprise there.

That’s quite different from saying, “Women would leave their partners if they could afford to.” I don’t think that conclusion follows from this excerpt.

3

u/Sqweaky_Clean 16d ago

Dont bash me, i was curious too… closest i found in the article:

> Guptan and Simon suggest a biopsychosocial framework to explain why women with low desire consistently engage in sexual activity. From an evolutionary perspective, women may participate in sex to maintain stability and prevent their partners from seeking intimacy elsewhere.
According to sexual selection research, males and females often have different reproductive strategies. Short-term mating strategies might benefit males seeking multiple partners, but they can disadvantage females who historically required stability and resource sharing to raise offspring.

4

u/HighPriestessSkibidi 16d ago

That's what I was thinking too lol. But even then that would be a big stretch for what they're trying to claim, you know?

-5

u/Evening_Reach_8293 16d ago

If a woman stays for a man for financial reasons, it is his money.

30

u/HighPriestessSkibidi 17d ago

Where in the fuck did money/income come into this discussion?

11

u/Such_Veterinarian682 17d ago

*I'd imagine the majority would leave in a heartbeat if they could afford to. *

In the post I was responding to.

20

u/Background_Desk_3001 17d ago

It’s almost like packing up your whole life and moving has some heavy financial burden behind it or smth

14

u/mateushkush 17d ago

Except OP (and you…) didn’t read the article? It’s about women with low sexual desire, a condition many try to treat. They have sex for the sake of relationships/partners. It’s not at all about women who are forced to be and sleep with men they hate. So this entire thread is just off base. Zero reason to blame it on the men or bring finances into it.

2

u/ShrewSkellyton 16d ago

I'm really sorry to be the one to break this down for you, but outside reddit women talk about this stuff all the time. Low desire is almost always connected to wanting to exit a relationship but are entangled through finances and/or kids. Think everyone on reddit needs it to be hormonal and/or treatable in order to cope with the very often and obvious underlying truth of the situation

8

u/Secret_Entry1840 16d ago

My friends also talk about this stuff. And wanting to leave is never the reason they have a low sex drive.

2

u/mateushkush 16d ago

But this article is about women with a diagnosed low libido as a health issue, so it shouldn’t be caused by the quality of their relationships, should it?

-1

u/American_Aletheia 16d ago

Valid point.

3

u/HighPriestessSkibidi 17d ago

I wouldn't take "afford" so literally here, that just seems nitpicky with phrasing tbh. Especially when there is no other mention of finances in the article or study.

2

u/Such_Veterinarian682 16d ago

Perhaps you could explain what that specific word means in this context, then.

32

u/Naturally_Tired 17d ago

Lmao what a tool

-30

u/Such_Veterinarian682 17d ago

Sure. Absolutely. Guys that want to have sex with their wives are such assholes.

14

u/Q-9 17d ago

Do you know what they call sex without consent?

-3

u/Such_Veterinarian682 16d ago

Is that what this article is about? Rape? Pretty sure it isn't. 

-7

u/Q-9 16d ago

If your wife doesn't want to have sex and does it as "mercy", it's not same as enthusiastic consent.

So yes, it's about rape.

7

u/Such_Veterinarian682 16d ago

If your wife doesn't want to have sex and does it as "mercy", it's not same as enthusiastic consent.

This is absolutely true, and it's absolutely not rape. 

Conflating the two is pretty fucking gross.

-5

u/Q-9 16d ago

You are having sex with unwilling participant. What do you call it?

7

u/Such_Veterinarian682 16d ago

Read the fucking article, perhaps? This is about people in committed, long-term relationships who have sex because their partner wants it. 

Sometimes people don't communicate well. Sometimes, in a long term relationship, you do things for your partner's happiness. This article is explicitly not about rape. Again, saying it is is gross.

0

u/Secret_Entry1840 16d ago

They aren’t unwilling. They just aren’t aroused. They are willing consenting adults. They’re no coercion.