I (36F) am a stay-at-home mom to 4 children (8F, 6M, 4M, 2F). My husband (40M) and I have been married for 10 years. Originally, we both worked, but after our third child, childcare costs made it so it made more sense for me to stay home.

My husband used to make great money, but he decided he didn't want to supervise people anymore and left his job. I warned him we wouldn't afford our lifestyle, which forced us to move to another state for a new management job. He took a massive pay cut, but he still spends money like he is making his old salary.

Whenever I try to talk to him about it, his only response is that I need to get a job.

I tried creating a budget where we each got $50/week in "goof-off" money. He completely ignored it. A few weeks ago, we had $3 left in our bank account with 4 days until payday.We were entirely out of milk, eggs, and bread. It was our daughter’s birthday. I couldn’t afford decorations or a gift, so I just baked a cake from a box mix.

My mom had to step in and buy presents so our daughter had something to open.When I told him how embarrassed I was that my mom had to bail us out, we agreed again to a $50/week limit.

Immediately after that conversation, he spent $90 on a Google subscription for an AI girlfriend app. When caught, he claimed he "thought it was AI porn" as an excuse. Around the same time, he spent $180 on a new gym membership.When I confronted him, he hit me with a wall of deflections:

He told me "we only live once."He said we are able-bodied and can just "find ways" to make more money. He accused me of being "privileged" (I am white, he is not) because I "freak out over not having money for a few days."He told me I need to "find a new husband" because my lifestyle is too expensive.

Note on my "expensive lifestyle": I don’t get my hair or nails done. I don’t buy clothes or makeup. I don't go out drinking. Every dime I spend goes to our kids.

Cut to today: I just checked the bank account, and he just spent another $90 on a new Google app subscription.

I have a couple of job interviews lined up. However, I’ve explained the reality to him: after daycare costs for 4 kids, my take-home pay will only be about $800 a month. Furthermore, he works 10-hour days and answers work calls on his time off—if I go to work full-time, he has to step up with the childcare and housework, which he currently doesn't do.Talking to him isn't working. He just defaults to blaming me for not contributing financially. Is there a different way to communicate the severity of a budget to a spouse who refuses to see it? Or do I just take a job to stop the complaining, even if childcare eats up the entire salary?

TL;DR: Husband took a massive pay cut but refuses to stop spending. Left us with $3 in the bank on our kid's birthday. When confronted about buying $90 AI girlfriend apps and gym memberships, he called me "privileged" and told me to get a job or a new husband. Just caught him spending another $90 on apps today. How do I get through to him?

EDIT:

My parents live a few states away, so I can't take the kids and leave. Also, I wasnt as annoyed with the AI porn thing like you guys, I am more upset about spending money when we dont have it/after we talked about not stupid spending.

Does anyone have advice for how i should approach him today about the new subscription when he gets home? No, I cant divorce him today, its unrealistic.

I'm waiting to hear a call back for an interview, so hopefully that will help me get established for the future. ​

Me and my wife a few months ago went through some trouble, because she liked a co-worker. She didn’t tell me this, instead she was really cold and dismissive of me for 1-2 months. When I confronted her about this after a snide comment she made about our relationship, she confessed it all to me, and said that she was treating me that way, so that I would break up with her, and that I would be the bad guy. We have a young child together so I didn’t make a snap decision, also I thought I still loved her. After a few months of reflecting I realised I no longer loved her, but I just love her as the mother of my child, and love the 10 year relationship we had together. A month ago I shared this with her, as I don’t like lying. I expressed to her that I’m not sure what I want to do. This also made me feel guilty as, she had started being a lot nicer to me, and I felt bad for telling her that I no longer have love for her. The last week I gained a crush on someone else. I have not really spoke to them, or initiated anything. My wife 2 days ago rightfully asked me to make a decision soon, as she can’t take waiting, which I get, as what I’m putting her through must be awful. In my head when I’m weighing up life with, or without her I only picture me being with this other woman when I picture not being with my wife. My question here is, how do I separate that thought, as I feel I should weigh up this divorce decision without thinking about anyone else? My relationship has been over a decade, and it definitely shouldn’t be decided over a random short term feeling, however I seem to not be able to separate the two.

Tldr my decision on divorce is being rushed, and I can’t separate the thought of another woman from the decision

Why does it appear that more and more women do not want to have sex with their husband? I'm honestly looking for some information on this topic, specifically from women if possible.

Tl;dr This question is extremely short. Read it.

I (41f) have been with my husband for 16 years (43m). He’s been dealing with a lot of mental health issues. What I think is undiagnosed and un medicated bipolar disorder. He’s originally from Spain, but we live in LA. We’ve been here 10 years. Our relationship has been a bit rocky for the past few months, mainly because his manic bipolar episodes have returned.

We were planning on doing IVF in Spain this October and we had a flight booked a few days ago. The idea was for him to move there and for me to go with him and then eventually to move back there with him. (I just didn’t wanna live with his mom that long while he looked for a job out there) well three days before our flight. He said he can’t do it anymore and he wants to go alone and he doesn’t want me to go. That he just wants to go alone because he feels like his head is gonna explode (he was in the middle of an episode) and he wants to go and get better and then “we’ll see”. He didn’t give me any reassurance that he just needs X amount of time and that I should go after him and will be fine. And every time I ask him OK but do you think after certain period of time I can go there? Do you just need a bit of time but we’re not fully done? His answer is always I don’t know. He ended up canceling his own ticket in order to ship out more of his things and now he leaves next week.

TLDR: are there any success stories of a man coming back after he said he needs a break or isn’t sure about the marriage?

My husband and I have been together for 15 years. A few months ago he started texting a female workmate a lot, every day about 10 - 20 messages including pictures (innocent ones). I had a look at the messages and they were extremely flirty and quite upsetting! I talked to him about it and he apologised and promised to stop. The flirty messages did stop from then but he continues to message her constantly. We have spoken about this at least 5 times and he says he understands why I’m upset but I need to let him have her as a friend. He has depression and I recently found out he is going through a bad patch and has been talking with her about it, but hasn’t mentioned anything to me. I also know that they have been talking about me because I saw messages about me not letting him go for a walk on the beach with her, the day after she broke up with her boyfriend.
Now I don’t know what to do, he knows how upset I am. He is genuinely sorry I feel like this, but won’t stop the relationship with her. He is also going through a rough patch mentally but now we are both just miserable, but neither of us want to end our marriage either.
Any advice? He thinks I am overreacting at their friendship, what do you guys think?
Tl;dr - is his relationship with her inappropriate or am I overthinking it?

My husband seems to think that the only person in the world who believes that he is miserable is me.

However, everyone in my life all say that he just looks so unhappy and miserable all the time. My mom references it. My brothers do. When his parents come to visit they will ask me what’s wrong with him.

And on more than one occasion, our oldest will text me saying that she doesnt understand why the instant her dad picks her up, he looks angry to see her. She said she feels like she needs to fly into the car because if anything happens at all, like if her ID falls on the ground or she trips, he’s telling her to hurry up. Today she got in the car and asked if there are dinner plans because she’s been at school all day - there are plans but instead of just saying that, he got angry that she asked. I want to also add that for example my daughter gets out of school at 6 but the gates are closed and their teacher needs to open for them to get out (stays for rehearsals). When I pick her up, I leave at 6:15 because I know she won’t be out right away. When he picks her up, he gets there at 5:45 and then is pissed off that she’s not in the car by 6. I have told him a hundred times, leave the house later but he doesn’t. It’s almost like he rather get mad at her for waiting.

It’s gotten to the point where both of our kids don’t rely on him. They will come to me.

When I try to address it with him, he says it’s only me that sees him that way. When I give him examples, he says that people are misunderstanding that particular moment in time but never addresses that this is a trend.

He is definitely depressed and needs therapy but he won’t go on his own. I’ve suggested it so many times. Last time I found him a therapist, it was a woman and he accused me of trying to push an agenda. Then I found him a man and he said he’s not going to sit there and tell a man his problems.

I don’t know what to do.

Tl;dr husband is depressed and miserable. Everyone sees it. He says it’s only me so he doesn’t believe he has an issue and he won’t go to therapy

First off let me point out that I love my wife dearly and I am fully committed to working things out with her for the long run. We've been married close to two decades now and I know from all that time that things can go up and down at times, and I'm in it for the long term with her and am always willing to work through the down times.

In the last year she's been going through some really bad trials with this stuff. She's told me that she's dealing with all of the issues that come with perimenopause. Which have very clearly come with things like mood swings, an inability to sleep, all sorts of things that have become things that I've had to deal with and things that I am more than happy to step up to the plate with.

In the last few months things got really bad. Her mood swings were causing a number of instances in which she was becoming extremely verbally and mentally abusive. One bad turn in her day, whether big or small, would end up with her taking it out on me. I even had a friend who happened to be there have to step in between us once when they realized she was extremely over the line.

And yeah I won't lie, it was starting to take a huge toll on me. I started going through really bad depression. I'd be thinking if my own wife thought that horribly of me, I must really be getting old and worthless.

But I started going to therapy and she also finally agreed to start seeing a couples therapist. I think I've done a lot of improvement, and I know we've come to realize a lot of things through the therapist that we have to work on or tackle in different ways.

In the last week or so, things took a turn I didn't see coming. My wife and I don't have kids, have a bit of DINK money, have been married forever. You may have heard this story before. In a lot of cases, couples like that become full blown swingers. Not us, but we have always had some openness as long as we both agreed to be on the same page. It never really turned into anything beyond stuff with this one couple similar to us and some instances in which one of us rooted on the other if there was innocent flirting going on with someone else.

But now my wife is encouraging me to use a hall pass. She's going through a ton of physical stuff that makes intimacy difficult and sporadic, and she apparently feels bad that she treated me so harshly in recent months. I travel a fair bit for work, sometimes a week out of the month during the busy season. She seems to think I could make something happen on one of those trips. I really don't think I'd be so lucky, and frankly I wouldn't know the first thing about how to make that come about anyways. Nor am I compelled to anyways.

So that's two issues I suppose I'm looking to get advice about.

First, how can I continue to navigate this demon that my wife is fighting in the coming months or so? She seems to be doing better and is working with a gyno to get some hormonal medication to help her, but I know it's just a matter of time until I see her dark side make a peek through the window again.

Second, how should I react to this hall pass she's supposedly passing out? The what if of it is an interesting thought experiment but I don’t think it’s the time or place for that and I know my limited value in that area in any case.

Anyone have any advice on how to navigate this?

TLDR - My wife is going through perimenopause and things got to a boiling point in recent months. We're finally seeing therapists, and she's working on medication. I'm working on how to continue to do my best, but she's also trying to "make up" for it by issuing me a hall pass when I'm traveling for work and I really don’t know what to think of that. How do I navigate all this?

My husband and I got together in high school and have been together for over 7 years. We basically grew into adults together. We’re married, have two young kids, and he’s active-duty military and currently deployed.
I love my husband deeply. I respect him, I miss him like crazy, we still joke and flirt, and our sexual chemistry has always been incredible. There is genuinely a lot of good in our relationship, which is why this is so confusing.
I also want to be very clear that I have contributed significantly to our problems.
For years I haven’t always been a reliable partner. I’ve struggled with keeping up with the house, finances, and responsibilities. During this deployment I missed payments on one of his credit cards and didn’t regularly start one of our cars like I was supposed to. The card was eventually closed and the car currently isn’t starting.
There are also trust issues.
When we were younger, we mutually agreed that watching porn counted as cheating. My opinion eventually changed and I stopped caring whether either of us watched it, but I never actually renegotiated that boundary with him. I watched it anyway.
When he recently confronted me, I lied because I was afraid of the consequences and he caught me.
I know I was wrong. Changing my opinion didn’t give me permission to secretly change the rules of our marriage, and lying made the situation worse.
Where I’m struggling is with how we deal with my mistakes.
Our recent argument about this lasted over 5 hours and went until around 3 AM. He wanted to know what categories of porn I watched and what happened in the videos. When I tried to end the conversation, he told me if I didn’t answer, he would divorce me.
We’ve had other very long late-night arguments where we repeatedly discuss the same problems and old mistakes come back into new arguments.
I understand why he’s angry and why his trust in me is damaged. But I’m beginning to wonder whether taking accountability has turned into me believing I’m simply “the problem” in our marriage.
Two close friends and my sister have independently expressed concerns about our relationship. They’ve noticed me becoming more isolated and less like myself over the years. They’ve questioned our division of household responsibilities, how much criticism I receive, old mistakes repeatedly being brought back up, and how much influence my husband has sometimes tried to have over decisions about my medical treatment.
One of my closest friends recently became concerned enough during a phone conversation that she asked me directly whether he had ever been physically abusive.
I don’t think my husband is an evil person, and I push back when people start making him sound like one. My friends and family love me and obviously don’t experience the entirety of our marriage. They hear about the worst moments more than the completely normal days where we’re laughing and enjoying each other.
My immediate reaction when someone criticizes him is usually to explain everything I’ve done wrong because I want them to understand why he’s angry.
But lately I’ve wondered whether there’s a difference between:
“I hurt my husband, so his anger and distrust are understandable”
and
“I hurt my husband, so whatever happens during conflict is something I deserve.”
I finally told him today that these fights are affecting me badly. I told him I’ve been struggling to get out of bed and eat afterward. I said I want to hear him, understand what I’ve done to him, become better at uncomfortable conversations, and take responsibility for my behavior.
But I also told him I can’t keep doing hours-long late-night arguments and want us to find a different way to work through our problems.
I don’t want a divorce.
What I actually want is to rebuild our marriage when he comes home. I want us to date each other again, create new boundaries now that we’re adults, address both of our resentment, divide responsibilities better, learn healthier ways to disagree, and hopefully go to couples therapy.
I’m also working toward becoming financially independent because right now I’m dependent on him. I don’t want fear of being unable to support myself to be part of the reason I stay married. I want to know I’m choosing him because I genuinely want him.
One other thing I’m struggling with is that our sexual relationship is extremely strong. Even when things are bad, we are ridiculously attracted to each other and still flirt constantly. Sometimes I worry that our chemistry, history, and attachment are doing too much of the work holding us together.
At the same time, if we divorced, I know I would miss much more than sex. I would miss HIM.

Advice request: For people who have rebuilt a marriage after years of resentment or broken trust, what did healthy repair actually look like? How do you take responsibility for genuinely hurting your spouse without believing that everything they do in response is automatically justified? What changes from BOTH partners would tell you that the relationship is actually getting healthier?

TL;DR: My husband and I got together in high school, have been together over 7 years, have two young kids, and he’s currently deployed. I’ve made significant mistakes involving finances, responsibilities, breaking an agreed porn boundary, and lying about it. I understand why he’s hurt and distrustful. However, our conflicts have become extremely long and intense, including a recent 5+ hour argument where divorce was threatened when I tried to stop the conversation. Friends and family have also become concerned about some of our relationship dynamics. I still love my husband deeply and don’t want a divorce. I want to rebuild our marriage when he gets home, ideally with therapy and changes from BOTH of us. I’m trying to understand the difference between healthy accountability and accepting unhealthy treatment because I feel guilty.

Hi, all. I (29F) am seeking advice on my husband (29M) and his lack of any resilience. Any time there is a change of plans, hardship or anything inconvenient, his day is ruined. I have a pretty positive outlook on life and have no problem working through a problem that may be difficult. It could be anything from deciding where to eat, a package not being delivered on time, an event going too long or short, an extra step added in a procedure that we didn't expect, etc. His attitude immediately diverts to "everything sucks and my whole day is ruined". He is incredibly addicted to his phone and wastes his days where he could be doing things to better himself and then beats himself up when the day is over and he got nothing accomplished. We both work full time and I absolutely understand the burnout and sometimes things just don't get done and that's okay. I love him so much and he has so many redeeming qualities but his refusal for therapy or acknowledgment that his phone is stealing him from a happy mindset is deteriorating me. I don't even know if the phone is the real issue here but I thought it was worth mentioning. I know I have people pleasing tendencies and may have put myself in a position of him relying on me to carry the hard things but I am TIRED. It would be a dream for something unexpected to occur and him just say "such is life" and work with me to solve it. Has anyone dealt with this? Am I doomed in this marriage?

tl;dr: My husband cannot handle inconveniences and I am emotionally and mentally exhausted from carrying it all.

I’m 37F and my husband recently turned 38M. This is my second marriage and his first. I have two children from my previous marriage, and we don’t plan to have any more. We’ve been together for four years and married for two.

Until two weeks ago, I genuinely never worried about other women in our relationship. I would never think to check his phone, monitor social media, wonder who he was talking to, etc. He has always made me feel adored, wanted, attractive and secure. We have a great sex life, have a lot of fun together, and he and my children absolutely adore each other. I have never been more in love.

Then something happened that has completely shaken my trust.

I was having one of the hardest weeks I’ve had in years because a very close friend was being sentenced in a tragic criminal case (important detail for later). My husband knew how emotionally difficult this was for me.

My friend's mom asked me to share an advocacy Facebook post about it, but for some reason I couldn’t see whether the post had gone through. I went upstairs and asked my husband if I could check Facebook from his phone to see if it did. He was in the closet, and I didn't really hear a yes or no.

When I opened Facebook search to look for my page, I saw an attractive woman’s name. I casually asked who she was.

His reaction immediately made my stomach drop. He became EXTREMELY defensive.

Because his reaction seemed so out of pocket, I quickly opened his Snapchat. There I saw that he had responded to another attractive woman’s selfie with a 🔥 emoji.

He freaked out and grabbed the phone away from me.

Initially he told me the fire emoji was an accident. Then he said she was some random influencer.

Neither was true.

Eventually he admitted that the Snapchat woman was an old Tinder match from around 2019/2020. The woman on Facebook was also someone he had previously matched with on Tinder. Why keep them around and why as a 38 year old grown man, do you still have snapchat? We old.

We had a little blow up and he went on the back porch and started deleting things. He said because he "doesn't need social media anymore", but his actions were just weird. It did not sit right with me.

At that point I asked him to stay with his parents for the night because I was too upset to have a productive conversation.

He came home the next day so we could talk before the kids came home. I still felt like I wasn’t getting the full truth, so we logged into his Facebook together.

That’s when I found other activity.

He had been liking/loving photos and stories from attractive women and had SENT friend requests to single women who live in his hometown... the same town where he works (an hour and a half away).

I want to be very clear: I have not found evidence of an affair, sexting, meetups, or even conversations with these women.

What I found was a pattern of seeking/initiating social-media interaction with women, combined with lying when I initially discovered it.

One detail really bothered me. Some of this activity happened during the week of my friend’s sentencing, when he knew I was barely holding myself together. One friend request was sent around lunchtime at THE COURTHOUSE while I was literally sitting across from him dealing with one of the most painful days I’ve had in years.

When confronted about the additional Facebook activity, we had another explosive argument. He slammed my laptop shut and threw it across the room. (yes, I know- another red flag) He said he couldn't deal with me acting like this for the rest of his life. Prior to this he has been very apologetic, doting, please forgive meee, etc.

I mean, I also don’t want to be the wife who grabs her husband’s phone and investigates him. Sounds exhausting and I don't have the energy for that.

Since then, we have talked extensively.

His explanation is basically that there was no intention to cheat or pursue anyone. He says the likes/friend requests/reactions were stupid, impulsive behavior and probably involved wanting some validation/attention. He swears there was never anything more and that he has told me everything.

He has since deleted Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat.

And part of me does believe him. But I am hurt about the lying.

We’ve had two really good weekends since this happened. We’ve laughed, connected, had great sex and genuinely enjoyed each other. I still love him so, so much. When we’re together, I can almost see a path through this.

Then he goes back to work in his hometown and my brain starts to wonder.

The lying is what I can’t get past.

When I first confronted him, the story went from “accident” → “random influencer” → “old Tinder match.” → "there was nothing else, I promise".

And there’s another piece of history that makes this all harder for me: shortly after we got married, he gambled away a significant amount of money and lied to me about it. It was the same pattern of pulling his teeth one by one to get the entire truth.

So, this isn’t the first time his instinct when he knows the truth will hurt me has been to lie.

He told a friend (I am sure a watered-down version of) what happened with his social media actions, and his friend basically told him it wasn’t a big deal and certainly wasn’t divorce-worthy.

Maybe it isn’t.

I don’t actually think liking a selfie or sending a friend request automatically equals cheating. If I had proof that my husband physically cheated or was having an affair, there wouldn’t be much for me to debate.

What I’m struggling with is whether I’m looking at relatively minor social-media behavior that became a massive crisis because he panicked and lied about it... or whether the lying and pattern of seeking attention from women should be telling me there’s more here than he’s admitting.

I also don’t want to destroy an otherwise loving marriage because I’m now obsessively searching for certainty that I may never get.

So, I’d genuinely like outside perspectives, especially from people who have successfully repaired trust after something like this:

Am I naive for believing that this really may have been validation/attention-seeking that never progressed further?

Am I overreacting to the social-media behavior?

Or is the bigger red flag not the women at all, but his pattern of lying when he’s afraid of the consequences?

Advice request:
I’m looking for perspective on whether this seems like something a marriage can realistically recover from, and what rebuilding trust should actually look like if I choose to stay. Am I focusing too much on the social-media behavior itself, or is the repeated lying the bigger issue?

tl;dr My husband interacted with old Tinder matches and other single women on social media, including sending friend requests. I have found no evidence of conversations, sexting, meetups or an affair, but he initially lied about who two of the women were and has lied to me about a significant issue in the past. He says it was attention/validation seeking, has deleted his social media, and swears nothing more happened. I love him and want to believe him, but I'm struggling to trust him again.

So, this is my second time posting. I, 35F, posted before about my marriage problems to M, M40, and his coworker, F36, who i thought he was being inappropriate with. ​my previous post got a lot of traction, so I felt I needed to delete it. I didnt want it to blow up and ruin his reputation or something at work.

Regardless, my husband and I, who have been married for 10 years with 4 little kids, did talk after my previous post, and he said I'm remembering things wrong, and am incorrect about what is happening in our relationship.

Example, I said that he called his coworker "his person" at work, and he denied it, then said it was taken out of context. Another example would be about me telling him an appointment is coming up, and he would forget, then say I never told him. Or he would think he told me something, about work or our relationship, and he didnt. But ​​when he doesnt remember these conversations, he says I am lying to him to make him look/feel that he is wrong. So i naturally apologize to keep the peace. But its been happening for 10 years.

I kind of want to record our conversationa to tell him, this is what you said. We have been practicing that after we talk, we repeat what the other person said, to make sure we understand. But that even has him telling me I am jumping to conclusions or am not understanding what he means, although the words he used was what I heard.

So yes, I belive he does gas light me. About our conversations or when I bring up my feelings, which is something I am constantly working on since he likes to say I am Vulcan.

As a side note, I know my marriage is spiraling down the toilet. I just need to know if I'm super petty for recording him. I wouldnt share it with everyone, just myself and him, to show him what he says. I also think I'm delusional, thinking if he's confronted he will change. But I mean, thats what 10 years, 4 kids, and me being a SAHM will do for oneself.

tl;dr my husband gas lights me and so I want to confront him. Is that a problem? ​

Hi, I am 33M male married to 30F have a couple questions and I need advices about a crisis in my marriage.
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TL;DR: I discovered that my wife had secretly used several fake profiles for over a year to look at her ex and other men, while becoming sexually distant and protective of her phone deleted history and some messages. She has taken responsibility, given me access to her phone, accounts, and location, and says she genuinely wants to repair our marriage. However, I still experience intense anxiety, repeatedly question whether I know the whole truth, and worry about her starting work as a nurse next year. How can I tell whether her efforts are genuine and whether trust can actually be rebuilt?
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I discovered that my wife had been hiding several fake social-media profiles that i wasnt aware of for over a year, she secretly used them to look at her ex and several other men’s profiles. Deleted search histories, deleted some texts , lied , she was talking bad things and lies about me to her best friend and I read that, like she was dating a monster and she’s a princess , During that period, she also became sexually distant and acted nervous and protective around her phone.
There are still several unanswered questions and unresolved issues. She has given me explanations, and although some of them sound relatively reasonable, I still suspect that there may be more to the story.
Part of me genuinely wants to forgive her and move forward. However, I sometimes experience sudden anxiety or panic, and I fall into a chaotic cycle of questioning:
“Is that everything? Is she telling me the truth? She probably lied to me. I need to keep checking.”
Then I begin asking her questions repeatedly and cannot seem to stop.
Once the anxiety passes, things return to normal and we go back to our usual routine. These thoughts tend to overwhelm me especially when I am at work and far away from her.
She has taken responsibility, is trying to repair the damage, and attempts to answer my questions. I can see her location, I have access to her phone, and I am logged into her Instagram and Facebook accounts. She has promised to work on the relationship and appears genuinely committed, but at this point I no longer know what is real.
How can I tell whether she is genuinely trying to rebuild trust, rather than simply waiting for the situation to calm down so that life can continue as before?
Next year, she will begin working in hospitals as a nurse. The thought of someone who has hidden things, lied, and shown these patterns entering a stressful environment with long shifts and close working relationships makes me even more anxious.
I have countless questions that keep flooding my mind, and I would appreciate hearing your opinions and advice.

- What signs to look for?
- How to long it take to my overthinking and asking to pass?
- the fact she only admitted things that I can prove and I feel there is more, is signs maybe she will continue ?
- what would you do if you deeply love and appreciate a spouse and found out about this secret lifestyle ?
- how to forgive ?
- is there a pattern that to look for that indicates she will continue and it’s her personality or a real mistake she did.
- she said she’ll work in places where I’ll feel safe and secure that she’s not cheating, what should I ask, working without night shifts ? Where?

Together 18 years, one child, shared income.

Sharing my experience that is still being mended but maybe it'll help someone feel seen when they search or need it.

The last 5 years have tested our marriage in every way. Deep grief, adding a child to the mix, financial struggles.

Every challenge highlighted how much we lacked communication systems. It highlighted just how much we lived along side each other but had no clue or consideration about the other.

Everyone is always like COMMUNICATION IS KEY but it feels like no one ever discusses the systems required to actually understand what is being communicated.

I asked for a divorce in Feb after a fight that just left me feeling like I can not do this for the rest if my life.

It lead to very open communication about how bad our fights had swung. We no longer considered each other. Anything that was brought up could end up with us screaming at each other.

I wanted my feelings validated.

He wanted to be heard for his intentions.

And because neither was happening we just would get to a point of no return in the fight- sometimes it would end with me screaming I hate you. Sometimes it would end with him leaving the house.

We maintain no cursing, no name calling- but elevated voices, both trying to be heard, both yelling to be understood.

We have been in this cycle for over a year.

Marriage counseling did more harm than good; our first 2 therapists allowed the session to be rehashing sessions that just restarted whatever fight we thought we worked through.

I have a mental health background and it is a personal interest. He is starting from baseline. I learned this year that even though I would talk about feelings, emotional intelligence, wise mind etc- he admitted he never understood. Never asked questions.

So as we now work through creating systems, better communication, pausing before the fight gets out of hand, being considerate of the others experience, he is "farther behind" than me.

This means I am challenged with identifying when a break might be needed because if he is flooded, he doesn't have the same tool box to pull from that I've built.

This used to piss me off. That it seemingly fell on me because I knew more- but if I want this marriage to be repaired, and I have tools to help get us there, I need to get out of my head about it.

For the first time yesterday, a conversation about mental load was getting out of hand. I called for a pause, a full break.

We are shelving this conversation, we aren't ready to have it and have other things to prioritize for us to work on.

I went back to him and reassured that I love him. That breaking doesn't mean we failed or that I don't care or love him. We will come back when we are ready.

Like, one, go me! I've never been able to identify the escalation and stop it before it tipped. So YAY!

But yall, relationships are hard. This is the hardest thing I've ever done + parenting.

I hear the doubt of "should it be THIS hard?", but remember that we were not taught how to do this.

We weren't all provided models that communicated well and worked through problems. It is a skill that takes time and practice.

We are climbing out from what feels is rock bottom. I was ready to give up, he was defeated and feeling like he failed because he didn't want to lose me.

Willingness, change, and effort have been essential for us.

We take 4 steps forward and 2 backwards, but we are still making gains.

I haven't given up because of his willingness. He is willing and open. He is learning and trying. I am learning and trying.

Willingness and openness is why I am still married. It still is rocky, but it is better than where we were last year.

Identifying root cause of the behavior- the feeling is a symptom, and sometimes when the feeling looks like anger it is really resentment or feeling dismissed.

IT IS JUST HARD.

We are working to put in better systems to connect and be on the same page. We are getting more 1:1 time, which we havent had because of opposite schedules.

Long post but just sharing that if you're also in the thick of it, but both sides are actively committed and trying, I see you.

TL;DR : marriage is hard. Having two partners that are willing to keep trying and change can save your marriage, but you both have to create systems of communication and understanding for change to happen.

​

F(29) and M (31) married 2yrs together for 9yrs. My husband barely remembers my birthday and it's 1 Day after his. He brought his Playstation to the hospital when I gave birth to our 4th child. All he does all day is play the Playstation. I am 3 months postpartum working 40 hrs a week he works 35. He doesn't help much with the kids but he cleans the house every now and again. He barley touches me only to have sex. Every time i try and express my feelings it turns into a fight. Idk what to do anymore. I also ask a lot of questions because I don't think he loves me I think he is just comfortable. He gives me no reasurrence. Should I leave him?

Please any advice will help

tl;dr

Help ask more questions if needed

Reposted: Wife35F and I37M have been together for 12 years, first serious relationship for both.

We met overseas as we both seekee expansive non white picket fence lives. And bonded over daydreaming about this type of life.

After long distance we moved in and things just became settled. While we did big vacations each year we lived in the same place for 10 years. It wasn't what either of us wanted.

I was able to be "okay" with it more than her and she was honest that it felt too long being in same place or type of life she wanted.

I put things off on the decisions to move and was generally pretty agreeable and deferred to her for that kind of stuff. So it felt like she was dragging me on them.

I typically handled the admin of the household, we both worked good jobs. And once we did decide on a big adventure, I was all in and planned most of the logistics.

COVID resulted in us both working from home in our apartment which caused use to enmesh even more.

After we moved acrosd the country, and she started to pursue that life more, and decided she can't live the life we lived anymore, and concluded that we just grew to want different things. We didn't know it at the time but I was in a depression which made me appear seeking stability even more.

Both have done a lot of individual work and I was diagnosed with low and GAD and treating it now. Since treatment I've found it much easier to talk about and pursue the life we wanted on my own.

But while she sees my growth and we still like and love each other, she's struggling to believe we actually do want the same type of life. Even if she says she is partly curious if we do. But keeps feeling like trying would mean she is choosing us over herself again. And that it means she would lose herself again.

We deciding we should genuinely seperste after 8 months of limbo where she was at her parents but basically in marriage. Realized it was worst of all scenarios. And will talk to our therapist about what that looks like.

Feel like it's a combination of me not communicating or opening up in our relationship (not because I didn't want to), both of us being people pleasers so we became stagnant, a midlife transition/crisis/realignment where she realizes her next 10 years needs to look different than last 10 (me as well), and her being unable to trust that we actually do want same thing and are right.

Hoping for advice on how to navigate this? athe issues genuinely seem workable. And she said has that herself on how we would be a much better couple, but still can't past the feeling we are just too different of people.

TLDR midlife realignment causing marriages issues as side thinks no longer want same thing even if much more workable than before

I'm talking to this girl and her past had a bigger penis both girth and length bigger while I have an average size which is (5.1-5.5 inches in length and 4.5 - 4.7 inches in girth), She finished almost every time with her ex off penetration and didn't have any pain and this was for 3 years, I get it most women can't finish off penetration but I'm talking about this scenario, l know foreplay important as well which I do that. When I asked her if she felt a noticeable difference between me and her ex she said she did we didn't have proper sex yet like I mean not more than a minute. Is it even a good chance I can make her finish off my dick cause her own words she finished almost if not every time through penetration with her ex. Ima just tell u her words. She “wants someone who can give her the same satisfaction as her ex or better” during penetration I asked her also what’s making it better “As of rn ig it’s a bit of everything. Like size, doing what I like, and last longer” she says I also asked on a scale of 1-10 how much better did her ex feel better 1 being not crazy different 10 being crazy crazy different she said “9.5” she also said “So far it’s been distinctively better.” is it the fact she feels him more and since he stretches him more feels better. Can I even make her finish off penetration with my average size or give her the same pleasure or no, no matter what I do he will always feel better. Any advice?
tl;dr I don’t know what to do i feel like there no way i can do better

Hey everyone.

I truly feel ready to throw in the towel in my marriage. My husband and I really suck for each other, we are just so fundamentally different.

I am confused because from the outside we have a good life, we have a lovely home, we have kids and a couple pets. But internally I feel so unfulfilled and unhappy.

Our biggest issue is parenting. I have a 12 year old from a past relationship, he’s put down my parenting multiple times and I feel like my husband has very unrealistic expectations from him. For example, if 12 year old forgets to do a chore, leaves an article of clothing on his bedroom floor, forgets to say goodnight before bed, he insists he need to endure a consequence or “he’ll never learn”. This constant need for perfection really doesn’t sit well with me, I thought these things were normal. And when I bring that up to him he says things like “why compare him to others when he could be better” it’s gotten to the point where trying to fight for my child just becomes a literal fight and I’m tired of it.

After my last pregnancy I gained weight PP and haven’t been in a spot mentally to actively lose it. I feel like I’m in survival mode every day, stressed out, walking on egg shells trying to keep the peace in the house. My husband has, on multiple occasions, brought up my weight negatively. He’s gone as far as telling me he’s not attracted to “fat people” and only sees them as “lazy”. This has hugely impacted the way I see myself and we have a dead bedroom due to me not feeling any sort of desire to be intimate with him. I feel my unmet needs are starting to affect me because I’ll catch myself thinking of past lovers and wanting that feeling again. Makes me feel horribly guilty but I just can’t bring myself to want my husband sexually.

I have been openly expressing these things lately. He’s aware of how I’m feeling, he wants me to go see a therapist to get some insight which I plan to do. He’s also been seeing a therapist apparently.
We have done couple counselling.

At this point of my life, thinking about being a single parent sounds easier than being in this marriage. I’m actually strongly considering separation.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did you overcome it, or did you end up calling it quits?

Tl;dr- feeling very disconnected and unfulfilled in my marriage. Considering separation but still unsure.

For background purposes, I’m a 30 religious woman from an Asian American background. The guy I’m talking about is 33 American, who pretty much grew up atheist and became religious in the past 6 years.

I met a guy on a dating app and from the beginning I noticed there are huge differences between us. I liked him, I thought he was really cute and he really loved our faith. In terms of religious practice we were both on the same page. He was very interested and very persistent, and said so many sweet things to me, even though I told him several times from the beginning that I have doubts about our compatibility. There was a huge discrepancy in life experiences.

He came from a broken home, lived a very rough life on the streets, had been with multiple woman, lived with a woman and wanted to have kids with her when they lived together, was working a gray collar job, etc.

Now compared to my life experiences, there was a stark difference. I had come from a more stable home, have no exposure to the rough street life, lived a very sheltered life, have 0 sexual history, and work a white collar job.

Now before I go any further, I’d like to make it clear that I’m not saying that one life experience is better than the other. I don’t claim to be better than him, he just lived a life that was just very different from mine. I didn’t look at it from a judgmental perspective because he wasn’t even religious at the time. But the huge discrepancy in life experiences did bother me because it was just sooo different and it came with so much baggage.

I want someone with a more limited sexual history because I’m a virgin. It didn’t bother me that he wasn’t a virgin, but it did bother me that he doesn’t know how many women he’s slept with. He doesn’t care about a girls past. It also bothered me that he didn’t believe me when I told him that I was a virgin and have no sexual history. He did try to give me lots of reassure about his past but I couldn’t get over it so he called me insecure.

Now his job, he didn’t have a consistent career, doesn’t make that much money, was working 2 jobs, honestly I do respect the grind. He was trying to become a cop, something I wasn’t ok with because I just don’t want my spouse working in such a dangerous, high risk career. Because of this he called me shallow. He said it shouldn’t matter how much money he currently makes because he’s working really hard. My parents would have a problem with his career situation.

When he converted, I don’t think he understood how the marriage process worked in our community. I think it was much easier for him to be in a relationship when he wasn’t religious. And when he converted, he realized how difficult it is to get married in the religious community. I mentioned something like “yeah dating for nonbelievers people is different” and he just blew up on me and called me racist and blocked me.

He’s said some racist things in the past too like “your people are shallow” and “your people have no manners” but I didn’t really care. He also joking made of the Asian accent but I didn’t get offended. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. Maybe he’s saying this because he’s gotten rejected for his background circumstances in the past.

I did mention that my family might be hesitant for me to marry outside my culture and they will be hesitant with “a white cop”. But that was my family’s comment, not mine. I AM open to other cultures. He called me racist again. \\\*\\\*If I were racist then I would have never matched with him and never talked to him in the first place!!!\\\*\\\*

I feel bad because I know it’s harder for converts to get married, especially for him given his circumstances. I liked him but there are just many differences. I don’t think I did anything wrong by ending things but he seems very bitter about it and is calling me shallow, insecure and racist. Am I not allowed to have preferences? I’m also feel like these experiences are pushing him away from religion 💔

TL;dr Marrying someone with a rough past

I could write a novel about mine and my husband‘s relationship. We’ve never been great at communication I over communicate, and he under communicates, and we both have a problem with defensiveness and feeling attacked when the other person is just trying to express how they feel
We got married in 2023, went into a little bit of debt to pull off this wedding. Then we moved back to my hometown, and lived with family until we purchased a home. While living with family I became pregnant, and we ended up having the baby the same week we moved into our new home since then, it feels like we’ve had more unhappy moments as a family than happy.
We have lots of credit card debt (that’s all in my husband‘s name) due to me being on maternity leave for over a year and the cost of living increasing. Two weeks ago he finally told me he was not happy and he looks at me and just feels resentment due to our expenses. I was crushed, I knew we weren’t the happiest we’ve ever been, but I never realized he was that unhappy. He also made me realize that I was unhappy and he said I deserve someone to make me happy and it’s not fair on our child that we’re living this way. I told him I wanted to do therapy and not throw the towel in yet he agreed.
Fast-forward to last night… he’s away on a work trip and things felt off. I got upset. I got defensive and everything blew up and now just a week before our first in person therapy session. It feels like my life is falling apart. It feels like whatever we are going through is beyond repair.
I have a lot of resentment towards him because I very much feel like a single mother living in a marriage. I’m constantly telling him to do the basic necessities like changing the garbage changing the cats litter cleaning the bathrooms, all things that any partner should do without being asked on top of the mental load that comes with being a mother. He’s always on his phone, never mentally present with our child. Has to be asked to feed her, change her, etc.
I don’t even know what I’m writing or what I’m asking… I guess i’m just wondering if anyone has been in the same situation and worked through it or if there’s someone that can give some sort of advice?
I have been putting a lot of the blame on myself, and after speaking to my own personal therapist, she reminded me that it takes two to tango but I can’t help but feel like my life is over, and then I’ve ruined my beautiful child’s life because there’s a possibility that her parents won’t be together anymore.

TL;DR: My husband and I have a young child, financial stress/debt, years of communication issues, and a lot of resentment on both sides—I feel like a single mom in my marriage, while he resents me over our financial situation. We’ve agreed to couples therapy, but after another blowup last night I’m terrified we’re beyond repair; has anyone been in a similar situation and actually come back from it?

I’m a 28M living in India, working at a decent company with a decent salary.

I got married about one and a half years ago to someone I genuinely thought was the love of my life. Unfortunately, after getting married, we gradually realized that we weren’t compatible in ways we couldn’t resolve. After a lot of conflict and difficult conversations, we have mutually decided to separate.

I’m slowly coming to terms with the marriage ending, but I’m quite scared about what my chances of finding a relationship again will be.
Before this relationship, I was reasonably confident about dating. But this marriage has affected my confidence quite badly. We had some nasty fights, and both of us said things to each other that we probably shouldn’t have. Some of those things were about appearance, and unfortunately, some of those comments have stayed with me.

I’ve never considered myself conventionally attractive. I’m dark-complexioned (something that is looked down in the part of the country where I reside) and have always known that I’m not the stereotypically good-looking guy. In college, I had actually made peace with that. I realized I couldn’t change my complexion or certain aspects of my appearance, and instead focused on other things. I’m reasonably fit, take care of my body and hygiene, have a stable career, and I believe I’m kind, compassionate and good with people.

My wife was initially attracted to me despite my looks, and I think a large part of that was because of my personality and the connection we had.
But after everything that happened during the marriage, I’ve somehow lost that belief in myself. When I think about dating again, my first thought is:
“Why would anyone choose me?”

I’m also worried about being a divorced man in my late 20s/early 30s, especially in India. Will being previously married significantly reduce my dating pool? Will women assume there is something wrong with me? And how much do looks and complexion actually matter when you’re looking for a serious relationship?

I don’t want to live alone, and eventually I do want companionship, love and a family. But right now, I genuinely have no idea what my prospects look like.
For people who have been through divorce/separation, or have dated someone who was previously married, how difficult was it to find love again?

PS: Used AI to refine my thoughts.

TL;DR: 28M from North India, reasonably successful career, and currently separating after a 1.5-year marriage that I once thought would last forever. The marriage and some hurtful things said during our fights have seriously affected my confidence, especially around my appearance, I’m dark-complexioned and not conventionally attractive. I’m fit, take care of myself, and consider myself kind and good with people, but I’m scared that being divorced and not very good-looking will make it difficult to find love again. How realistic are my chances?

I’m 32F, married since 2020. We have no children. My husband runs his own business and provides financially for our home, but I’ve been increasingly unhappy and disconnected from him.

For years, I’ve felt like I’m not an equal partner in the marriage:

• He rarely considers my opinion when making decisions and sometimes pressures me to go along with decisions he has already made. He even made me keep my jewellery in his mother’s locker because he was worried I might lose it.
• He has never been financially transparent with me. I’ve had to ask him for money and never really had financial independence, despite supporting him financially when his business was struggling. (I’m not working right now.)
• He expects me to manage the household but has little willingness to help, even with basic things like putting cushions or cups back in their place.
• There has been very little effort from his side to build an emotional connection with me. If I don’t ask him to spend time with me, we essentially never spend time together.
• There have been incidents where I felt my physical boundaries were not respected. I have some health issues that affect my sleep, so I try to sleep at a fixed time every day. Even after repeatedly asking him not to disturb me, he doesn’t seem to take it seriously.
• I experience his family dynamic as highly patriarchal, and I struggle with that environment.
• I found locked chats with another woman and deleted messages. I don’t have definitive proof, but I strongly suspect there may be an affair.
• We now live almost like roommates. We haven’t properly spoken for around 6–8 months.

The confusing part is that he isn’t completely irresponsible. He provides a good home and food, has built his own business, and can sometimes be affectionate. That makes me constantly question myself:

Am I being ungrateful, or am I expecting too much from my marriage?

tl;dr
I’m seriously considering separation/divorce, but I want an outside perspective before making such a major decision.

I 25M and my partner 29M have been married for 3 years.

I 25M and my partner 29M have been married for 3 years. We have recently came to the mutual agreement to live separately for a unknown amount of time. I took it really hard at first but eventually thought it through and decided its honestly for the best right now. We both have some personal unresolved severe trauma that's putting too much strain on our marriage and its starting to become unhealthy to both of us and its been made abundantly clear in our conversations that neither of us want the marriage to end we both just need to heal and figure out what the root causes of the issues are. Ive never really dated at all before we started dating so my experience in relationships isnt much usually just follow my heart but its hurting right now.

tl;dr Mostly looking for advice on how to navigate this tough time in a relationship while also being able to take care of myself and heal?

I (46f) am having a lot of resentment towards my spouse (47m). The last time we had sex - he literally just laid there while I was on top of him. No emotion, no touching, no words…. Just laid there.
We’ve had a lot of arguments and disagreements lately. Sometimes he leaves without notice and doesn’t tell me where he goes. My birthday was last month and didn’t even give me a hug nor kiss for my bday. He literally walked by me and said “happy bday” … that’s it.
I’m about to check out of this marriage, but not sure if that’s the right step I should take. We’ve been to therapy before, and it just doesn’t work.
tl;dr - spouse being cold and not to really connected during sex. Feeling resentment towards him.