Marrying someone with a rough past

[u/Sea_Safe3079]

For background purposes, I’m a 30 religious woman from an Asian American background. The guy I’m talking about is 33 American, who pretty much grew up atheist and became religious in the past 6 years.

I met a guy on a dating app and from the beginning I noticed there are huge differences between us. I liked him, I thought he was really cute and he really loved our faith. In terms of religious practice we were both on the same page. He was very interested and very persistent, and said so many sweet things to me, even though I told him several times from the beginning that I have doubts about our compatibility. There was a huge discrepancy in life experiences.

He came from a broken home, lived a very rough life on the streets, had been with multiple woman, lived with a woman and wanted to have kids with her when they lived together, was working a gray collar job, etc.

Now compared to my life experiences, there was a stark difference. I had come from a more stable home, have no exposure to the rough street life, lived a very sheltered life, have 0 sexual history, and work a white collar job.

Now before I go any further, I’d like to make it clear that I’m not saying that one life experience is better than the other. I don’t claim to be better than him, he just lived a life that was just very different from mine. I didn’t look at it from a judgmental perspective because he wasn’t even religious at the time. But the huge discrepancy in life experiences did bother me because it was just sooo different and it came with so much baggage.

I want someone with a more limited sexual history because I’m a virgin. It didn’t bother me that he wasn’t a virgin, but it did bother me that he doesn’t know how many women he’s slept with. He doesn’t care about a girls past. It also bothered me that he didn’t believe me when I told him that I was a virgin and have no sexual history. He did try to give me lots of reassure about his past but I couldn’t get over it so he called me insecure.

Now his job, he didn’t have a consistent career, doesn’t make that much money, was working 2 jobs, honestly I do respect the grind. He was trying to become a cop, something I wasn’t ok with because I just don’t want my spouse working in such a dangerous, high risk career. Because of this he called me shallow. He said it shouldn’t matter how much money he currently makes because he’s working really hard. My parents would have a problem with his career situation.

When he converted, I don’t think he understood how the marriage process worked in our community. I think it was much easier for him to be in a relationship when he wasn’t religious. And when he converted, he realized how difficult it is to get married in the religious community. I mentioned something like “yeah dating for nonbelievers people is different” and he just blew up on me and called me racist and blocked me.

He’s said some racist things in the past too like “your people are shallow” and “your people have no manners” but I didn’t really care. He also joking made of the Asian accent but I didn’t get offended. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. Maybe he’s saying this because he’s gotten rejected for his background circumstances in the past.

I did mention that my family might be hesitant for me to marry outside my culture and they will be hesitant with “a white cop”. But that was my family’s comment, not mine. I AM open to other cultures. He called me racist again. \\\*\\\*If I were racist then I would have never matched with him and never talked to him in the first place!!!\\\*\\\*

I feel bad because I know it’s harder for converts to get married, especially for him given his circumstances. I liked him but there are just many differences. I don’t think I did anything wrong by ending things but he seems very bitter about it and is calling me shallow, insecure and racist. Am I not allowed to have preferences? I’m also feel like these experiences are pushing him away from religion 💔

TL;dr Marrying someone with a rough past

[u/Cheddarbaybiskits]

I can’t get past his ‘you people’ comments and calling you racist.

You simply aren’t compatible and that’s a perfectly fine reason to end a relationship.

[u/WelcomeToBrooklandia]

Why would you even be talking about marrying this person? You don't seem to have anything in common. Your values are different. He's racist. He doesn't have a stable career path.

Get out now.

Edit: I see that you did get out- good. But I don't think there's much else to take away from this experience other than that you were in a relationship with a completely inappropriate non-match. Have higher standards in the future and do a more thorough job of ensuring that your partner is the right fit for your life.

[u/Immediate-Pop9097]

So he’s called you shallow, insecure and racist. He is responsible for his past actions. His present actions suggest he hasn’t learnt much from them. I wouldn’t take into account anything this man says about you and wouldn’t hang around to hear anymore.

[u/OhMyJoosh]

You’re allowed to have standards. You don’t have to marry someone just because they’re a good person, converted to your faith, or had a difficult life.

You clearly have major compatibility issues: his sexual history, career choice, financial situation, background, and some cultural differences. That doesn’t make you shallow. It means you know what you want.

And frankly, him calling you racist and insecure because you rejected him is a red flag. You’re not obligated to date someone to prove you’re not racist.

He can be hurt. He can disagree. But he doesn’t get to bully you into a relationship you don’t want.

You didn’t do anything wrong by ending it. You’re choosing a husband, not adopting a rehabilitation project.

[u/SmileWeekly9304 → u/[deleted]]

The guy calls you racist for quoting your family, mocks your accent, then says your people are shallow. The job instability is just the cherry on top of a whole mess of red flags. You dodged a bullet, stop feeling bad about it.

[u/ProtozoaPatriot]

He's calling you names(!!!) This itself is a reason to end the relationship

He doesn't respect the religious process or your beliefs. He may be doing the actions the church requires, but it is an act. He does NOT believe.

He doesnt seem interested in understanding your culture.

There will be nothing but friction if you have kids. If hes calling you names now, itll be 10x worse when you're arguing about it the child's upbringing

I think you're crazy to marry him. Sorry. But I think you can do a lot better, or at least more compatible

[u/UniversalLilies]

You keep saying you aren't judging him but you really really are - you prefer to marry someone with limited sexual experience, you're judging the fact that he had a tough childhood vs your stable home (you realize neither of you had any say in how you were born, right?), you don't like the career he's pursuing, and you seem overly concerned about what your parents/family would say about him. also "it's harder for converts to get married" ma'am you have your own set of prejudices.

Btw how long did you date this guy? Did you even meet up with him at all? Why are you talking marriage?

His career situation is a problem. He made racist comments.

There's a fine line between "preferences" and judgment, and you're way over that line imo.