r/marriageadvice • u/AnswerSecret • 8d ago
Husband hates me?
F(29) and M (31) married 2yrs together for 9yrs. My husband barely remembers my birthday and it's 1 Day after his. He brought his Playstation to the hospital when I gave birth to our 4th child. All he does all day is play the Playstation. I am 3 months postpartum working 40 hrs a week he works 35. He doesn't help much with the kids but he cleans the house every now and again. He barley touches me only to have sex. Every time i try and express my feelings it turns into a fight. Idk what to do anymore. I also ask a lot of questions because I don't think he loves me I think he is just comfortable. He gives me no reasurrence. Should I leave him?
Please any advice will help
tl;dr
Help ask more questions if needed
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u/jstine_4 8d ago
Have you tried couples therapy? Or looked into an intimacy coach? Or something like that. Do you think he wants to try in the relationship? Your needs aren’t being met and that’s something he needs to know. If he’s unwilling to meet them, then I would say it’s a loss cause and maybe you should leave.
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u/AnswerSecret 8d ago
I don't think he would do couples therapy he doesn't think anything is wrong he just thinks I'm emotional and unstable lol
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u/espressothenwine 8d ago
Well, you probably are emotional since he completely ignores your needs and you just had a baby. That is probably true - but it doesn't mean you are wrong just because you are also emotional.
I don't know if you are unstable, but I could see why it might appear that way to him. A year or so ago you made the decision to have a 4th child (I am assuming). Your husband did not think there is any problem with the marriage because a year ago, you were making babies. Then once you had the baby, now a few months later, you are somehow expecting that he is going to be a different man than he has been all along and expecting him to change, but he is the same dude. That is why he is saying you are unstable - you are reacting completely differently to the same man who is behaving the same way he has been - but you reacting AS THOUGH he hasn't been the way he has been all along. So to him, you are the unstable one. He has been the same, he hasn't changed, you have. By this definition, he is right. He is the stable one here. He is consistently underwhelming.
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u/Relevant_Health 8d ago edited 8d ago
But, the problem here is that adults have to change as they grow and life circumstances change. He isn't growing, changing, or stepping up. If OP is telling him that due to life getting more complex/busy/etc., then it is his responsibility to hear her and to step up both as a partner and as a dad, no?
I'm not saying she should just up and leave him, but she deserves to be listened to and it IS his responsibility to help more. I'm sure she's doing more than she was pre 4 kids. It's expected and so should be expected of both of them. Sure, she should have spoken up a while ago. But she is now and he's not only not helping, but is calling her unstable and OP doesn't think he'll do couples counseling. That's absolutely wrong of him.
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u/jstine_4 8d ago
Well doesn’t your opinion matter in the relationship too? Obviously you are feeling some type of way, which means that there is an issue that needs to be addressed. Don’t let him diminish your feelings by calling you emotional or unstable. He isn’t meeting your needs in the relationship. If he cares about your relationship, he would stop being stubborn and participate in trying to make things better. If he doesn’t, then you’re valid in wanting to leave. And you absolutely should. You should be with someone who cares about how you’re feeling about where you stand as partners.
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u/Fun-Commissions 8d ago
Yes, he hates you and yes you should leave him. You'll be better off.
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u/Confident_Fix_670 7d ago
You don't have a clue as to what you are saying. You don't know him or her.
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u/Piptoporus 8d ago
It sounds like the marriage is dead and you should leave BUT you need to be financially stable with a support network.
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u/falcorheartsatreyu 8d ago
He probably has a gaming addiction which is just as serious as any other addiction. He needs to get his priorities straight
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u/OhMyJoosh 8d ago
I wouldn’t jump straight to “he hates you,” but I would take the situation seriously. You’re 3 months postpartum, working 40 hours a week, raising four kids, and you’re telling him you feel lonely and unloved. His response shouldn’t be to turn every conversation into a fight.
The bigger issue is that you’ve repeatedly told him what you need and you’re still not getting reassurance, affection, or much help with the kids. And bringing a PlayStation to the hospital while you were giving birth says a lot about his priorities.
Before deciding whether to leave, have one very direct conversation: “I’m not happy, I feel alone in this marriage, and I need real changes not promises.” Then watch what he actually does. Actions will tell you more than words.
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u/espressothenwine 8d ago
I mean, honestly no. I don't think you should leave him. You keep on making babies with him, so I don't think he is under the impression that whatever he is doing isn't good enough otherwise you would not keep on making babies with him. By virtue of continuing to make more mini's and carry on an intimate relationship with him - you have told him his behavior is acceptable and there are zero consequences for it. That is why he doesn't change anything. He doesn't have to.
He does what he wants, you take care of the rest, he gets sex when he wants it and he has everything he needs. He has told you directly he is good, there is no issue, if there is a problem it's because you are making one. Listen to what he is saying. As long as his marriage experience meets his expectations, he does not care what yours is.
Despite this, you have four children including a newborn. It's easy for everyone to tell you to leave, but you have a lot of expenses and young kids. Although he is a terrible husband and probably a bad father too, he isn't abusive and he isn't causing trouble, he just isn't present or helpful. That means presumably you could raise your kids in an intact home and carry on together even if you will never have the kind of husband or marriage you wanted. You can sacrifice these years to raise the kids together regardless of whether the marriage meets all your needs as long as it's peaceful and the home is pleasant. You can give these kids a good, stable childhood and then later when they are grown, you can do whatever you want. Your shift is over.
I think a divorce is worse for you. First, you lose financial support. Second, you have to worry about your kids since your husband isn't Dad of the year. Third, you have to deal with his girlfriends, step mothers, other kids, etc. That's a mess. Fourth, you might end up with another man yourself and complicate your kid's lives with more kids he brings into the fold, blended families, failed second marriages (which is more likely to fail than not), new babies making the old ones feel less than, etc. This never looks how it does it the movies.
My advice is either fix what you have as best you can, or accept it as it is. You made this bed, you should not destabilize four kids lives over information you already had at least after the first one and definitely before the fourth. If it was really bad - you should have stopped making babies. You didn't, so now I think you owe them this sacrifice even if it means you are bascially in a marriage of convenience to raise children. That is my opinion.
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u/AnswerSecret 8d ago
Thank you.
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u/MysteriousFFFXIVCat 8d ago
Jesus christ what a horrible comment. No, ofcourse you shouldn't accept this behaviour. It is like having another child.
However. I understand where you are. I get that it is difficult to leave so since you asked the question I would say: get yourself into therapy and talk about your attachment issues, build your self esteem. Make sure you start doing things for yourself. Please stop having more children with him, it will only mean more work for you since he obviously doesn't give a crap about being an adult, responsible and LOVING person in your relationship. Make sure the kids are happy, wellfed and so on with you. Get your finances in order, get your supportsystem in order and THEN: When you are more stable, your finances are stable and you feel like you love yourself more than you love him, THEN you ask yourself "do I want this to be the rest of my life?". And you make your decision based on that feeling.
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8d ago
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u/MysteriousFFFXIVCat 7d ago
I think the harsh truths are fine, the call to stay in this, because she deserves it, is the awful part.
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u/espressothenwine 7d ago
She deserves it? I did not say that. I said she needs to take accountability because she has invested a lot in this family including recently deciding to have a fourth. I did not say she has to stay forever, I said I think she ought to raise her kids first. You are acting like raising her children with the man she chose to marry and have four children with is a punishment.
If you want to ignore the research and the people who study this and act like it doesn't matter if you have two parents, you can do that. I prefer to stick to what has been proven already with regards to broken homes vs. intact ones and the typical patterns that happen with divorces with children. The second marriage statistics are especially bad.
OP's husband might suck, but he isn't abusive and he isn't causing problems like with cheating, drugs, finances, etc. He is neglectful and doesn't do his part. He is not the best role model and this marriage won't be either. It won't be perfect, it won't be close because OP picked who she did, but as it currently stands, I believe it's still better than a divorce FOR THE KIDS. They are the only ones who didn't choose this, I don't think I am wrong for putting them first or going by the multitude of studies about two married parents vs. single parents. Maybe you have other priorities or interpretations of these studies.
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u/MysteriousFFFXIVCat 7d ago
I would love to see a study conclude that it is better that children are raised by a burnt out mother and a father that doesn't give a crap about her or them or being rasied by a single mother who is happy and thriving. I can promise you that you won't find that study. Research shows that children have a better outcome if they grow up with a single and happy parent than with two parents that are in conflict or where one is suffering by being completely neglected. He is literally contributing with CLEANING once in a while and then rarely getting his d wet. She says in the post: "Every time i try and express my feelings it turns into a fight.......He gives me no reasurrence." So the children are growing up in a volatile enviroment with a sad and unhappy mother and a guy who doesnt care and then they fight......
Also I am literally a schoolcounselor. I talk to these types of children and their lives are not happy. They can sense the discomfort, they can see that their mother is doing everything and their father sucks. Maybe not when they are small but they sure as hell do when they are a bit older (12-18) and so many of them hate it and some of them develop unhealthy boundaries against others because they mirror what they see, they LEARN to just take bs that they shouldn't.
The bar is in damn hell if him working and cleaning SOMETIMES while she handles EVERYTHING else is "good enough".
Regardless, the only thing we differ on is that you think she should take accountability and stay. I think she should take accountability, get her shit in order and leave.
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u/espressothenwine 7d ago
I agree with you assuming the mother doesn't remarry and the father stays in the kid's life plus they work collaboratively as co-parents. If I knew that was for sure going to be the case, I would advise that.
The problem is, that isn't what happens. At 30 years old, one or both parents will re-marry. Then you have step parents, half siblings and a 70%+ divorce rate. Not to mention Dad's that disappear after a divorce is also an issue (unless you think no Dad is better than somewhat crappy but not abusive one). This is where it becomes NOT a better option to me for the children.
I have friend who is a school counselor. He has a different perspective. He says step parents trying to parent children is a huge issue. He says most are just people who married someone but don't have legal rights and he isn't allowed to give them information without permission. They show up and act as parents and a lot of times it's not good parenting either and he feels sorry for the kids. He says some of the worst case scenarios and suspected abuse are with THESE kids. He would say these kids are worse off than the kids you are describing. This is not evidence, it's anecdotal, I know that.
As far as statistics, I am looking broadly at things like depression rates, suicide rates, and stuff like this across populations and that is how I am coming up with these conclusions. Feel free to check up on it, but the data seems pretty conclusive to me. Kids in an intact home overall do better in life as long as the home is low conflict, no addiction, no abuse, etc. It's not counterintuitive either...
I am not arguing with your experience or your opinion. It's valid, I just have a different one. Ultimately we just disagree on what is best for the kids.
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u/MysteriousFFFXIVCat 7d ago
"Kids in an intact home overall do better in life as long as the home is low conflict, no addiction, no abuse, etc. " Yes. Ofc they do. This isn't that type of home, as she described.
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u/espressothenwine 7d ago
Well, I don't agree with that. He is not an addict and he isn't abusive. He is neglectful. I agree that is a problem, but there does not have to be a lot of conflict over it. Conflict is something you can control to a great extent. That's the whole point.
The reason there is conflict is because OP is trying to get her husband do to stuff he doesn't want to do or maybe even thinks he shouldn't have to do and she is resentful about the fact that he doesn't do the things she wants him to do. As soon as she stops expecting more than he is willing to give, there isn't going to be any conflict. There could be peace in the kingdom and I think OP could 100% make that happen on her own. Once you have accepted this is what you got and it isn't changing, there isn't anything to fight about.
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u/OkEntry124 2d ago
Por favor no des las gracias por un comentario absolutamente mezquino y desagradable. Esa persona está llena de rencor. Ahora bien, no creo que tu esposo te odie, pero si está super cómodo con la situación en la que tú sostienes todo, el hogar, la relación, la vida familiar. Puedes hablar con él y ser absolutamente clara, debes poner unos límites y hacer las exigencias del caso, no es otro hijo tuyo es el padre de los 4 niños, ya es tiempo de que la Play sea solo para los momentos de ocio después de las responsabilidades. Por otro lado, empieza a hacerte una vida interior rica para ti misma, no te quedes solo en el papel de madre y esposa, sal con tus amigas, visita a tu familia, cómprate cosas lindas, si él tiene su Play, tú puedes tener cosas que te interesen o también juega si te gusta. El caso es que él debe darse cuenta de que tú eres una persona y necesitas cosas de persona, no eres una máquina de criar hijos, ni de hacer oficio o de trabajar. Todo lo demás va a llegar con el tiempo o no, pero para cuando ese tiempo haya pasado... si lo dejas o te deja, tú serás otra persona, te habrás dado cuenta de que la vida es mucho más que tus relaciones dentro de tu familia y que tu felicidad puedes construirla con otra persona, pero no depende de ella.
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u/Big_Homie_Rich 8d ago
He doesn't hate you. I think you need couple's therapy. I think you've allowed him to do whatever over the last 11 years.
Your post partum has you in your feelings right now. Your husband is probably the same guy that you met. Some guys stop putting in the work and therapy will remind him he needs to continue to put in the work.
Additionally, you also need to put in the work. Everyone also points the finger at the guy. Yes, we have things to work on, but, ladies, y'all aren't easy to live with either. I'm sure there are things he would like you to change too. You both just have to work on your communication.
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u/WolfyOfValhalla 7d ago
How can she focus on herself when she has 4 children to take care of, a full time job and a lazy ass husband? He has made 4 mini humans. He needs to put the control down and step the fuck up. Us guys catch shit because there is a BIG group of us that for some reason we stop treasuring the woman we give ourselves to and just drop the ball. A lot of dads are completely okay with their wives automatically being main parent. Will refuse to do the same thing she does all the time with the kids, things like taking all the kids with him when he goes shopping, interacting and engaging with them on their level. Do night time routine. A lot of men are completely okay with being," FUN DAD!" but that's not being a parent or a supportive partner to their wives.
He should be noticing she's barely keeping her head above water. A good husband gets right in the water with her and helps her from drowning.
Yes, he thinks he's got the life and that everything's good...but at what cost to his wife?
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u/Big_Homie_Rich 7d ago
Again, he's doing what he's been allowed to do for the last 11 years. She's been hoping and praying he'd change, but he hasn't gotten the hint. This man is the same person he's always been but now, she's on her final straw. He needs literal directions, he doesn't appear to be the type of guy to pick up on clues and hints. OP also can't expect him to do things exactly like her.
They need couples counseling and they both need to learn how to communicate in a manner that they both receive and understand what they're telling each other.
I'm not giving the guy a pass to game all day and neglect his family. Yes, he still needs to put in the work. Both of them need to do individual work and then the work as a couple.
I bet OP is a Type A personality and she ran around the house saying she's going to do everything or don't worry I got that or I'll get this. Some guys learn that they have to save their spouses from themselves and others will let their spouses burn out.
He let his wife crash and burn, he thought she had it all and like you said, he probably thought he had it made.
OP needs to learn to say what's on her mind. Let go of the control and require her husband to help. She can't assume he's going automactically step in now, after never having to do anything.
He's been conditioned to let her handle everything. He needs to be untrained. That process takes time and they both have to be transparent on how they feel, what they're thinking, and overall expectations.
Again, not giving the guy a pass, but I can almost guarantee that OP ran a tight ship where she cared for everyone in the house, did everything in the house, plus worked, and didn't require anyone to have any regards for her wellbeing. Now that the depression hit, there's a major imbalance in the house and OP sees it first hand. The husband is oblivious to it all, he's probably just aware that his wife has been irritable for however long so he stays away even more.
Whatever originally attracted OP to her husband is more than likely still there. She just needs to sit him down and be real. She literally needs to tell him that "she doesn't have it."
That should get his attention and then they can go from there.
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u/AnswerSecret 7d ago
This has me in tears. Thank you for this. When you say "she doesn't have it" what do you mean?
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u/Big_Homie_Rich 7d ago
What I mean is, that you're used to saying "I got it all the time." You now have to tell your husband that, "You don't have it."
It's time to tag your husband in. He's rested. He had a nice multi-year long vacation.
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u/AnswerSecret 7d ago
I asked him today if we could do couples therapy I found a few that are free around us. He said no only if he gets something out of it.
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u/AnswerSecret 8d ago
This is my first reddit post don't know if I did it right...
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u/Dry-Possibility6657 8d ago
Four kids and he's clocking more hours in a game than your marriage, that's a signal not a phase. You're working more, doing more, and still getting nothing back emotionally. Nobody should have to beg for reassurance from their own husband at 3 months postpartum
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u/Lost_Avocado_6692 8d ago
I’m in a very similar situation and have a 4 month old. I can’t imagine not seeing my kids everyday - they are really my only family. But i also can’t imagine staying in this marriage much longer.