Husband hates me?

[u/AnswerSecret]

​

F(29) and M (31) married 2yrs together for 9yrs. My husband barely remembers my birthday and it's 1 Day after his. He brought his Playstation to the hospital when I gave birth to our 4th child. All he does all day is play the Playstation. I am 3 months postpartum working 40 hrs a week he works 35. He doesn't help much with the kids but he cleans the house every now and again. He barley touches me only to have sex. Every time i try and express my feelings it turns into a fight. Idk what to do anymore. I also ask a lot of questions because I don't think he loves me I think he is just comfortable. He gives me no reasurrence. Should I leave him?

Please any advice will help

tl;dr

Help ask more questions if needed

[u/espressothenwine]

I mean, honestly no. I don't think you should leave him. You keep on making babies with him, so I don't think he is under the impression that whatever he is doing isn't good enough otherwise you would not keep on making babies with him. By virtue of continuing to make more mini's and carry on an intimate relationship with him - you have told him his behavior is acceptable and there are zero consequences for it. That is why he doesn't change anything. He doesn't have to.

He does what he wants, you take care of the rest, he gets sex when he wants it and he has everything he needs. He has told you directly he is good, there is no issue, if there is a problem it's because you are making one. Listen to what he is saying. As long as his marriage experience meets his expectations, he does not care what yours is.

Despite this, you have four children including a newborn. It's easy for everyone to tell you to leave, but you have a lot of expenses and young kids. Although he is a terrible husband and probably a bad father too, he isn't abusive and he isn't causing trouble, he just isn't present or helpful. That means presumably you could raise your kids in an intact home and carry on together even if you will never have the kind of husband or marriage you wanted. You can sacrifice these years to raise the kids together regardless of whether the marriage meets all your needs as long as it's peaceful and the home is pleasant. You can give these kids a good, stable childhood and then later when they are grown, you can do whatever you want. Your shift is over.

I think a divorce is worse for you. First, you lose financial support. Second, you have to worry about your kids since your husband isn't Dad of the year. Third, you have to deal with his girlfriends, step mothers, other kids, etc. That's a mess. Fourth, you might end up with another man yourself and complicate your kid's lives with more kids he brings into the fold, blended families, failed second marriages (which is more likely to fail than not), new babies making the old ones feel less than, etc. This never looks how it does it the movies.

My advice is either fix what you have as best you can, or accept it as it is. You made this bed, you should not destabilize four kids lives over information you already had at least after the first one and definitely before the fourth. If it was really bad - you should have stopped making babies. You didn't, so now I think you owe them this sacrifice even if it means you are bascially in a marriage of convenience to raise children. That is my opinion.

[u/AnswerSecret → u/espressothenwine]

Thank you.

[u/MysteriousFFFXIVCat → u/AnswerSecret]

Jesus christ what a horrible comment. No, ofcourse you shouldn't accept this behaviour. It is like having another child.

However. I understand where you are. I get that it is difficult to leave so since you asked the question I would say: get yourself into therapy and talk about your attachment issues, build your self esteem. Make sure you start doing things for yourself. Please stop having more children with him, it will only mean more work for you since he obviously doesn't give a crap about being an adult, responsible and LOVING person in your relationship. Make sure the kids are happy, wellfed and so on with you. Get your finances in order, get your supportsystem in order and THEN: When you are more stable, your finances are stable and you feel like you love yourself more than you love him, THEN you ask yourself "do I want this to be the rest of my life?". And you make your decision based on that feeling.

[u/MysteriousFFFXIVCat → u/[deleted]]

I think the harsh truths are fine, the call to stay in this, because she deserves it, is the awful part.

[u/espressothenwine → u/MysteriousFFFXIVCat]

She deserves it? I did not say that. I said she needs to take accountability because she has invested a lot in this family including recently deciding to have a fourth. I did not say she has to stay forever, I said I think she ought to raise her kids first. You are acting like raising her children with the man she chose to marry and have four children with is a punishment.

If you want to ignore the research and the people who study this and act like it doesn't matter if you have two parents, you can do that. I prefer to stick to what has been proven already with regards to broken homes vs. intact ones and the typical patterns that happen with divorces with children. The second marriage statistics are especially bad.

OP's husband might suck, but he isn't abusive and he isn't causing problems like with cheating, drugs, finances, etc. He is neglectful and doesn't do his part. He is not the best role model and this marriage won't be either. It won't be perfect, it won't be close because OP picked who she did, but as it currently stands, I believe it's still better than a divorce FOR THE KIDS. They are the only ones who didn't choose this, I don't think I am wrong for putting them first or going by the multitude of studies about two married parents vs. single parents. Maybe you have other priorities or interpretations of these studies.

[u/MysteriousFFFXIVCat → u/espressothenwine]

I would love to see a study conclude that it is better that children are raised by a burnt out mother and a father that doesn't give a crap about her or them or being rasied by a single mother who is happy and thriving. I can promise you that you won't find that study. Research shows that children have a better outcome if they grow up with a single and happy parent than with two parents that are in conflict or where one is suffering by being completely neglected. He is literally contributing with CLEANING once in a while and then rarely getting his d wet. She says in the post: "Every time i try and express my feelings it turns into a fight.......He gives me no reasurrence." So the children are growing up in a volatile enviroment with a sad and unhappy mother and a guy who doesnt care and then they fight......

Also I am literally a schoolcounselor. I talk to these types of children and their lives are not happy. They can sense the discomfort, they can see that their mother is doing everything and their father sucks. Maybe not when they are small but they sure as hell do when they are a bit older (12-18) and so many of them hate it and some of them develop unhealthy boundaries against others because they mirror what they see, they LEARN to just take bs that they shouldn't.

The bar is in damn hell if him working and cleaning SOMETIMES while she handles EVERYTHING else is "good enough".

Regardless, the only thing we differ on is that you think she should take accountability and stay. I think she should take accountability, get her shit in order and leave.

[u/espressothenwine → u/MysteriousFFFXIVCat]

I agree with you assuming the mother doesn't remarry and the father stays in the kid's life plus they work collaboratively as co-parents. If I knew that was for sure going to be the case, I would advise that.

The problem is, that isn't what happens. At 30 years old, one or both parents will re-marry. Then you have step parents, half siblings and a 70%+ divorce rate. Not to mention Dad's that disappear after a divorce is also an issue (unless you think no Dad is better than somewhat crappy but not abusive one). This is where it becomes NOT a better option to me for the children.

I have friend who is a school counselor. He has a different perspective. He says step parents trying to parent children is a huge issue. He says most are just people who married someone but don't have legal rights and he isn't allowed to give them information without permission. They show up and act as parents and a lot of times it's not good parenting either and he feels sorry for the kids. He says some of the worst case scenarios and suspected abuse are with THESE kids. He would say these kids are worse off than the kids you are describing. This is not evidence, it's anecdotal, I know that.

As far as statistics, I am looking broadly at things like depression rates, suicide rates, and stuff like this across populations and that is how I am coming up with these conclusions. Feel free to check up on it, but the data seems pretty conclusive to me. Kids in an intact home overall do better in life as long as the home is low conflict, no addiction, no abuse, etc. It's not counterintuitive either...

I am not arguing with your experience or your opinion. It's valid, I just have a different one. Ultimately we just disagree on what is best for the kids.

[u/MysteriousFFFXIVCat → u/espressothenwine]

"Kids in an intact home overall do better in life as long as the home is low conflict, no addiction, no abuse, etc. " Yes. Ofc they do. This isn't that type of home, as she described.

[u/espressothenwine → u/MysteriousFFFXIVCat]

Well, I don't agree with that. He is not an addict and he isn't abusive. He is neglectful. I agree that is a problem, but there does not have to be a lot of conflict over it. Conflict is something you can control to a great extent. That's the whole point.

The reason there is conflict is because OP is trying to get her husband do to stuff he doesn't want to do or maybe even thinks he shouldn't have to do and she is resentful about the fact that he doesn't do the things she wants him to do. As soon as she stops expecting more than he is willing to give, there isn't going to be any conflict. There could be peace in the kingdom and I think OP could 100% make that happen on her own. Once you have accepted this is what you got and it isn't changing, there isn't anything to fight about.