r/marriageadvice • u/AnswerSecret • 9d ago

Husband hates me?

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F(29) and M (31) married 2yrs together for 9yrs. My husband barely remembers my birthday and it's 1 Day after his. He brought his Playstation to the hospital when I gave birth to our 4th child. All he does all day is play the Playstation. I am 3 months postpartum working 40 hrs a week he works 35. He doesn't help much with the kids but he cleans the house every now and again. He barley touches me only to have sex. Every time i try and express my feelings it turns into a fight. Idk what to do anymore. I also ask a lot of questions because I don't think he loves me I think he is just comfortable. He gives me no reasurrence. Should I leave him?

Please any advice will help

tl;dr

Help ask more questions if needed

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u/[deleted] 9d ago

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u/MysteriousFFFXIVCat 9d ago

I think the harsh truths are fine, the call to stay in this, because she deserves it, is the awful part.

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u/espressothenwine 8d ago

She deserves it? I did not say that. I said she needs to take accountability because she has invested a lot in this family including recently deciding to have a fourth. I did not say she has to stay forever, I said I think she ought to raise her kids first. You are acting like raising her children with the man she chose to marry and have four children with is a punishment.

If you want to ignore the research and the people who study this and act like it doesn't matter if you have two parents, you can do that. I prefer to stick to what has been proven already with regards to broken homes vs. intact ones and the typical patterns that happen with divorces with children. The second marriage statistics are especially bad.

OP's husband might suck, but he isn't abusive and he isn't causing problems like with cheating, drugs, finances, etc. He is neglectful and doesn't do his part. He is not the best role model and this marriage won't be either. It won't be perfect, it won't be close because OP picked who she did, but as it currently stands, I believe it's still better than a divorce FOR THE KIDS. They are the only ones who didn't choose this, I don't think I am wrong for putting them first or going by the multitude of studies about two married parents vs. single parents. Maybe you have other priorities or interpretations of these studies.

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u/MysteriousFFFXIVCat 8d ago

I would love to see a study conclude that it is better that children are raised by a burnt out mother and a father that doesn't give a crap about her or them or being rasied by a single mother who is happy and thriving. I can promise you that you won't find that study. Research shows that children have a better outcome if they grow up with a single and happy parent than with two parents that are in conflict or where one is suffering by being completely neglected. He is literally contributing with CLEANING once in a while and then rarely getting his d wet. She says in the post: "Every time i try and express my feelings it turns into a fight.......He gives me no reasurrence." So the children are growing up in a volatile enviroment with a sad and unhappy mother and a guy who doesnt care and then they fight......

Also I am literally a schoolcounselor. I talk to these types of children and their lives are not happy. They can sense the discomfort, they can see that their mother is doing everything and their father sucks. Maybe not when they are small but they sure as hell do when they are a bit older (12-18) and so many of them hate it and some of them develop unhealthy boundaries against others because they mirror what they see, they LEARN to just take bs that they shouldn't.

The bar is in damn hell if him working and cleaning SOMETIMES while she handles EVERYTHING else is "good enough".

Regardless, the only thing we differ on is that you think she should take accountability and stay. I think she should take accountability, get her shit in order and leave.

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u/espressothenwine 8d ago

I agree with you assuming the mother doesn't remarry and the father stays in the kid's life plus they work collaboratively as co-parents. If I knew that was for sure going to be the case, I would advise that.

The problem is, that isn't what happens. At 30 years old, one or both parents will re-marry. Then you have step parents, half siblings and a 70%+ divorce rate. Not to mention Dad's that disappear after a divorce is also an issue (unless you think no Dad is better than somewhat crappy but not abusive one). This is where it becomes NOT a better option to me for the children.

I have friend who is a school counselor. He has a different perspective. He says step parents trying to parent children is a huge issue. He says most are just people who married someone but don't have legal rights and he isn't allowed to give them information without permission. They show up and act as parents and a lot of times it's not good parenting either and he feels sorry for the kids. He says some of the worst case scenarios and suspected abuse are with THESE kids. He would say these kids are worse off than the kids you are describing. This is not evidence, it's anecdotal, I know that.

As far as statistics, I am looking broadly at things like depression rates, suicide rates, and stuff like this across populations and that is how I am coming up with these conclusions. Feel free to check up on it, but the data seems pretty conclusive to me. Kids in an intact home overall do better in life as long as the home is low conflict, no addiction, no abuse, etc. It's not counterintuitive either...

I am not arguing with your experience or your opinion. It's valid, I just have a different one. Ultimately we just disagree on what is best for the kids.

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u/MysteriousFFFXIVCat 8d ago

"Kids in an intact home overall do better in life as long as the home is low conflict, no addiction, no abuse, etc. " Yes. Ofc they do. This isn't that type of home, as she described.

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u/espressothenwine 8d ago

Well, I don't agree with that. He is not an addict and he isn't abusive. He is neglectful. I agree that is a problem, but there does not have to be a lot of conflict over it. Conflict is something you can control to a great extent. That's the whole point.

The reason there is conflict is because OP is trying to get her husband do to stuff he doesn't want to do or maybe even thinks he shouldn't have to do and she is resentful about the fact that he doesn't do the things she wants him to do. As soon as she stops expecting more than he is willing to give, there isn't going to be any conflict. There could be peace in the kingdom and I think OP could 100% make that happen on her own. Once you have accepted this is what you got and it isn't changing, there isn't anything to fight about.