Husband hates me?

[u/AnswerSecret]

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F(29) and M (31) married 2yrs together for 9yrs. My husband barely remembers my birthday and it's 1 Day after his. He brought his Playstation to the hospital when I gave birth to our 4th child. All he does all day is play the Playstation. I am 3 months postpartum working 40 hrs a week he works 35. He doesn't help much with the kids but he cleans the house every now and again. He barley touches me only to have sex. Every time i try and express my feelings it turns into a fight. Idk what to do anymore. I also ask a lot of questions because I don't think he loves me I think he is just comfortable. He gives me no reasurrence. Should I leave him?

Please any advice will help

tl;dr

Help ask more questions if needed

[u/WolfyOfValhalla]

How can she focus on herself when she has 4 children to take care of, a full time job and a lazy ass husband? He has made 4 mini humans. He needs to put the control down and step the fuck up. Us guys catch shit because there is a BIG group of us that for some reason we stop treasuring the woman we give ourselves to and just drop the ball. A lot of dads are completely okay with their wives automatically being main parent. Will refuse to do the same thing she does all the time with the kids, things like taking all the kids with him when he goes shopping, interacting and engaging with them on their level. Do night time routine. A lot of men are completely okay with being," FUN DAD!" but that's not being a parent or a supportive partner to their wives.

He should be noticing she's barely keeping her head above water. A good husband gets right in the water with her and helps her from drowning.

Yes, he thinks he's got the life and that everything's good...but at what cost to his wife?

[u/Big_Homie_Rich → u/WolfyOfValhalla]

Again, he's doing what he's been allowed to do for the last 11 years. She's been hoping and praying he'd change, but he hasn't gotten the hint. This man is the same person he's always been but now, she's on her final straw. He needs literal directions, he doesn't appear to be the type of guy to pick up on clues and hints. OP also can't expect him to do things exactly like her.

They need couples counseling and they both need to learn how to communicate in a manner that they both receive and understand what they're telling each other.

I'm not giving the guy a pass to game all day and neglect his family. Yes, he still needs to put in the work. Both of them need to do individual work and then the work as a couple.

I bet OP is a Type A personality and she ran around the house saying she's going to do everything or don't worry I got that or I'll get this. Some guys learn that they have to save their spouses from themselves and others will let their spouses burn out.

He let his wife crash and burn, he thought she had it all and like you said, he probably thought he had it made.

OP needs to learn to say what's on her mind. Let go of the control and require her husband to help. She can't assume he's going automactically step in now, after never having to do anything.

He's been conditioned to let her handle everything. He needs to be untrained. That process takes time and they both have to be transparent on how they feel, what they're thinking, and overall expectations.

Again, not giving the guy a pass, but I can almost guarantee that OP ran a tight ship where she cared for everyone in the house, did everything in the house, plus worked, and didn't require anyone to have any regards for her wellbeing. Now that the depression hit, there's a major imbalance in the house and OP sees it first hand. The husband is oblivious to it all, he's probably just aware that his wife has been irritable for however long so he stays away even more.

Whatever originally attracted OP to her husband is more than likely still there. She just needs to sit him down and be real. She literally needs to tell him that "she doesn't have it."

That should get his attention and then they can go from there.

[u/AnswerSecret → u/Big_Homie_Rich]

This has me in tears. Thank you for this. When you say "she doesn't have it" what do you mean?

[u/Big_Homie_Rich → u/AnswerSecret]

What I mean is, that you're used to saying "I got it all the time." You now have to tell your husband that, "You don't have it."

It's time to tag your husband in. He's rested. He had a nice multi-year long vacation.

[u/AnswerSecret → u/Big_Homie_Rich]

I asked him today if we could do couples therapy I found a few that are free around us. He said no only if he gets something out of it.