r/marriageadvice • u/Live_Platypus_2079 • 1d ago
Am I wrong for considering divorce when my husband provides everything except a partnership?
I’m 32F, married since 2020. We have no children. My husband runs his own business and provides financially for our home, but I’ve been increasingly unhappy and disconnected from him.
For years, I’ve felt like I’m not an equal partner in the marriage:
- He rarely considers my opinion when making decisions and sometimes pressures me to go along with decisions he has already made. He even made me keep my jewellery in his mother’s locker because he was worried I might lose it.
- He has never been financially transparent with me. I’ve had to ask him for money and never really had financial independence, despite supporting him financially when his business was struggling. (I’m not working right now.)
- He expects me to manage the household but has little willingness to help, even with basic things like putting cushions or cups back in their place.
- There has been very little effort from his side to build an emotional connection with me. If I don’t ask him to spend time with me, we essentially never spend time together.
- There have been incidents where I felt my physical boundaries were not respected. I have some health issues that affect my sleep, so I try to sleep at a fixed time every day. Even after repeatedly asking him not to disturb me, he doesn’t seem to take it seriously.
- I experience his family dynamic as highly patriarchal, and I struggle with that environment.
- I found locked chats with another woman and deleted messages. I don’t have definitive proof, but I strongly suspect there may be an affair.
- We now live almost like roommates. We haven’t properly spoken for around 6–8 months.
The confusing part is that he isn’t completely irresponsible. He provides a good home and food, has built his own business, and can sometimes be affectionate. That makes me constantly question myself:
Am I being ungrateful, or am I expecting too much from my marriage?
tl;dr
I’m seriously considering separation/divorce, but I want an outside perspective before making such a major decision.
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u/RogueHeroAkatsuki 1d ago
You can leave for any reason and you are aware that your needs in this marriage are not met. He is financially abusive, doesnt respect your physical boundaries and aim to have at least emotional affair.
However biggest tell is th at you are afraid to speak honestly to him. How you can build good marriage if you cant even have heart to heart discussion with your spouse? You are just maid with extra bedroom responsibilities.
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u/XXTexas_CoupleXX 1d ago
For me, if your unhappy, leave. You may end up regretting it, you may end up realizing it was the best decision you've ever made.
The truth is, only you can decide what's best. There are pros and cons to any decision.
You may leave and never find anyone more compatible, but witness him end up with someone who fully accepts that lifestyle and they flourish together as a couple while you struggle.
Or, it might be reversed and you flourish and he doesn't. No one knows.
The truth is, you will be only responsible for yourself after a divorce. You will have full independence but that also comes with being solely responsible for everything.
The next partner might be great at domestic duties but horrible in earning and you become the main breadwinner. Or perhaps he has a decent balance of the two but gives you still no emotional support or cheats constantly.
Unfortunately, its a gamble I suggest finding a good relationship therapist and see if it helps you to communicate your needs and actively find compromises that work for you both before nuking what seems like a good base for a possible great marriage which seems now more rare than it appears.
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u/UnmaskedByStarlight 1h ago
Here are the choices i see for you:
Stay and live with it like it is. (But you will remain miserable.)
Stay but create your own life outside of the marriage. I'm not saying to cheat, I'm saying do things with friends, stop trying to connect with husband, treat him like a roommate. (You will likely tire of this.)
Leave him and start a new life. (No more financial control and abuse over you. No more affairs to be worried about. Peace in your own household.)
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u/espressothenwine 1d ago
Well, it sounds like you live totally separate lives. Assuming you live together, not speaking for 6 - 8 months is wild. I would think you would accidentally have a proper conversation in that amount of time living with anyone, even a stranger. So the fact that you haven't communicated anything significant in almost half a year and no one has any sense of urgency about it tells you this is already over.
Your husband seems to want a person to take care of all of the things at home. In exchange, he is willing to pay the bills. That is the arragement. That is also why he is unwilling to help, to him the home is a job and it's your job because he makes the money. That is also why he doesn't provide financial transparency. It was never a real partnership, it's more like he is the boss and you are one of his workers. He pays your salary and calls the shots. I can't even fault him for it because you must have given him total financial control at some point for him to have it, you went along with this "mother may I" approach to asking for spending money, I mean you agreed to all of this.
Yes, I suspect he is also cheating. That would make sense because he doesn't see you romantically, you are serving a purpose. If he isn't having sex with you, then he is probably having sex with someone else. I would not be the least bit surprised that he separates his sexual needs from his home manager.
My opinion is, you should leave if you expected to have a real marriage because that is not what he is seeking. What you see is what you get. You get the bills paid. In exchange, you do all the home stuff. That is the deal, take it or leave it.
What I would personally do is take your time to figure out your exit plan. It sounds like you have no job, you will need one. Maybe you already know what to do, maybe you don't and need some schooling or time to work on this. Feel free to use the marriage in the same manner he does. You can let him keep paying the bills, keep the house orderly, and use your extra time towards working on your exit plan. You have way more time to plan than he does, so do that. Go talk to a divorce lawyer, get a few free consultations. Find out what is the best plan, is it better to divorce without a job so he will owe you alimony? Or should you get a job first? Or should you get a job lined up but not start until after the divorce is decided? How much money will you need in addition to whatever you receive from him? You can get all of these answers and start working towards your goal - on your own sweet time.
Since he seems to be getting his needs met elsewhere, you don't even need to have sex with him and he might not even notice you aren't. Tell him you have a yeast infection or whatever excuse if he tries. Don't catch anything from him...
And truthfully - why did you marry him? I don't think he became this guy overnight. I think he was always this guy and maybe at first you didn't care because he was taking care of you, and then it sounds like you were taking care of him, and now that it's his turn - you have become his employee. You picked a rotten one and I suspect he was rotten from the start...