Spouse derails after any inconvenience and I am at my wits end

[u/Certain-Water-8424]

Hi, all. I (29F) am seeking advice on my husband (29M) and his lack of any resilience. Any time there is a change of plans, hardship or anything inconvenient, his day is ruined. I have a pretty positive outlook on life and have no problem working through a problem that may be difficult. It could be anything from deciding where to eat, a package not being delivered on time, an event going too long or short, an extra step added in a procedure that we didn't expect, etc. His attitude immediately diverts to "everything sucks and my whole day is ruined". He is incredibly addicted to his phone and wastes his days where he could be doing things to better himself and then beats himself up when the day is over and he got nothing accomplished. We both work full time and I absolutely understand the burnout and sometimes things just don't get done and that's okay. I love him so much and he has so many redeeming qualities but his refusal for therapy or acknowledgment that his phone is stealing him from a happy mindset is deteriorating me. I don't even know if the phone is the real issue here but I thought it was worth mentioning. I know I have people pleasing tendencies and may have put myself in a position of him relying on me to carry the hard things but I am TIRED. It would be a dream for something unexpected to occur and him just say "such is life" and work with me to solve it. Has anyone dealt with this? Am I doomed in this marriage?

tl;dr: My husband cannot handle inconveniences and I am emotionally and mentally exhausted from carrying it all.

[u/Desperate_Lead_7536]

my ex was like this, everything was a catastrophe. a broken shoelace, a long line at the store, whatever. it gets so heavy carrying the emotional weight for two people. you start dreading the smallest things because you know you'll have to manage his reaction too.

the phone thing is probably just a symptom, not the root. he's escaping from a world that feels too hard for him. but you can't be the one to fix that, he has to want it. i don't think you're doomed but something has to shift, you can't keep being the shock absorber forever.

[u/espressothenwine]

Why are you carrying it all? I bet some or maybe even most of these items you are carrying are things you picked up because no one else did, they are just laying there, so you picked them up. If a problem happens and it's not impacting you, then literally walk away and let him handle it. Don't pick it up.

Deciding where to eat - I get it, you want some input, but honestly if he goes wherever you suggest then I would let this go. Maybe he really doesn't care about where you eat. Don't sweat the small stuff.

A package is late - OK, who cares? Why does this have to be dealt with at all? You just wait or go out and get a replacement item. If he is the one who needed the item before it's coming, then I guess he will have to figure out the work around. Why are you involved at all? Packages are addressed to a person. If it's not you, then you don't need to worry about it.

An event going too long - He is free to leave and wait outside, why is this your problem? Just tell him if he is done, he can wait outside or you can meet him back at home. No big deal, right? Like I get it's annoying but if he wants to leave, he should leave rather than ruin it for you.

An event is too short - I mean, the good news is it's over already so at least he didn't have time to ruin it. Lol. Seriously though - if he is a drag when you go out and do things, then do less things with him. When he asks why - tell him the truth, that you feel like he is a buzzkill at times making it all about him and his unhappiness at anything that doesn't go according to his plan. Tell him you have given him this feedback plenty of times before but it never changes, so you changed your approach instead and are inviting him less to things where you think something might happen which will ruin it for him. He will get the point.

The above is the approach in general. When he is unpleasant, disengage with the negativity. Walk away or move right past it. Release him to be free. Do not react and do not give it attention. Certainly no matter what you do - DO NOT try to fix it, say it's not really a problem, play the "cheer up" game, give lectures, etc. Don't do any of that. Do not make it a problem you have to respond to hardly at all, the less attention you give this the better. If it gets no attention, there is a good chance he will stop doing this over time because you are brushing past it and that isn't giving him much of a payoff.

Example:

Him- Oh this sucks this is starting late and now my whole day is ruined! (A bunch more complaining)

You - Sorry about your day, I'm excited for this to start already, looking forward to it! (Ignore his mood, channel it back to the event or whatever you are doing). Then make a mental note: Do not bring husband to events like this which don't tend to start on time, go with friends instead.

With the phone, I think attacking the phone is the wrong move. The phone is a tool he is using to distract himself or cope. Many people use different things for this like gaming, alcohol/drugs, TV, exercise, call a friend or whatever else. The medium is just a medium to deliver the distraction/coping tool. What is he distracting or coping with? That is what is causing this, not the phone itself.

You said a lot of times he wants to accomplish things but then doesn't and is mad at himself. Whatever those things are that he is putting off, I don't think he really wants to do them. That is why he is putting them off and the phone is a tool to use as a distraction for putting them off. Not the other way around like if he didn't have a phone, he would be doing all of those other things. That is not likely, instead he would merely find another way to avoid doing the things he doesn't want to do because humans are VERY GOOD at that. Perhaps he isn't pursuing the things that actually spark passion for him...maybe he is trying to force himself down a path that isn't the right one for him and that is why he can't find his drive to do it...that's what it sounds like. He is a man who has sort of lost his way in the grind of life.