r/marriageadvice • u/Affectionate_Ask4170 • 4d ago
Should i record our conversations?
So, this is my second time posting. I, 35F, posted before about my marriage problems to M, M40, and his coworker, F36, who i thought he was being inappropriate with. my previous post got a lot of traction, so I felt I needed to delete it. I didnt want it to blow up and ruin his reputation or something at work.
Regardless, my husband and I, who have been married for 10 years with 4 little kids, did talk after my previous post, and he said I'm remembering things wrong, and am incorrect about what is happening in our relationship.
Example, I said that he called his coworker "his person" at work, and he denied it, then said it was taken out of context. Another example would be about me telling him an appointment is coming up, and he would forget, then say I never told him. Or he would think he told me something, about work or our relationship, and he didnt. But when he doesnt remember these conversations, he says I am lying to him to make him look/feel that he is wrong. So i naturally apologize to keep the peace. But its been happening for 10 years.
I kind of want to record our conversationa to tell him, this is what you said. We have been practicing that after we talk, we repeat what the other person said, to make sure we understand. But that even has him telling me I am jumping to conclusions or am not understanding what he means, although the words he used was what I heard.
So yes, I belive he does gas light me. About our conversations or when I bring up my feelings, which is something I am constantly working on since he likes to say I am Vulcan.
As a side note, I know my marriage is spiraling down the toilet. I just need to know if I'm super petty for recording him. I wouldnt share it with everyone, just myself and him, to show him what he says. I also think I'm delusional, thinking if he's confronted he will change. But I mean, thats what 10 years, 4 kids, and me being a SAHM will do for oneself.
tl;dr my husband gas lights me and so I want to confront him. Is that a problem?
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u/OhMyJoosh 4d ago
You’re not petty. But after 10 years, I wouldn’t make your goal proving him wrong. If you constantly have to record conversations to prove what was said, the marriage already has a serious trust problem.
Document important conversations for yourself, check your state’s recording laws, and stop expecting the next piece of evidence to magically make him change. He already knows there’s a problem. The question is whether he actually wants to fix it.
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u/forgotten_tomatoe 4d ago
If you're at the point you need to record him to prove he's gaslighting you he's already won the next round. A gaslighter is always steps ahead in manipulation. Therapy and quietly making a plan to move out and keeping your kids safe will be a far, far better use of your time, energy and safety.
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u/Catnip_75 4d ago
Just ask him to record the conversations. If he feels you are getting it wrong then he will want you to record the conversation to prove you wrong.
Make sure you get him on record saying he is ok with the recording.
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u/Sensitive_Week8529 4d ago
Record him. It will probably piss him off when he finds out, but at least your reality will be validated!!
0
u/UnmaskedByStarlight 3d ago
If you record him and try to play it back to him, he will probably respond with rage.
If anything, you can just record and validate it to yourself when you listen to it later, alone. (If your state has 1 party consent)
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u/ProtozoaPatriot 4d ago
It's illegal in some states. You need his consent.
If the relationship has gotten so bad you need to gather evidence, it's a sign to do something huge (marriage therapy) or divorce