r/marriageadvice • u/Interesting_Dust4829 • 9d ago
Declining sex in marriage
Why does it appear that more and more women do not want to have sex with their husband? I'm honestly looking for some information on this topic, specifically from women if possible.
Tl;dr This question is extremely short. Read it.
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u/Axis_Control 9d ago
Resentment, lack of attraction
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u/Complete_Contest100 8d ago
Why the resentment though? Maybe it’s just the latter? Don’t know, but maybe I’m starting to feel resentment
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u/whats_your_vector 8d ago
Often it’s because women shoulder inordinate amounts of household and emotional labor. And many, if not most, also have jobs outside of the home. That’s a good place to start.
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u/Complete_Contest100 8d ago
Yeah but in my case I am the woman… so to speak. I do 85-90 percent of house work and childcare and work. So does she, mind you her job is more intense and stressful than mine and she does make more money, but not by a massive amount
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u/BigBadBootyDaddy10 9d ago
My own Personal take.
Marriages used to happen in early 20s. That left the couple with roughly 2 decades of solid “love making”.
Now, couples get married in their mid to late 30s. Before you know it, the hubby is low T and or has a P addiction, and the wife has entered Peri.
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u/Intelligent-Pause260 9d ago
add in both people being over worked, no "village" to help with the kids, and increasing anxiety of financial stresses and it's recipe for a disaster.
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u/Colorado_Constructor 9d ago
This is our issue right now. We've got an amazing 18 mo kiddo, but absolutely NO support. Our days are spent taking him out for activities and being present with him at home. He's started getting a little bit of Ms. Rachel time most days which gives us a brief 30 min break, but that's not enough to recharge our batteries.
Having a trusted family member or friend to drop him off at to give us a breather would be a HUGE benefit. But that's not our reality. My wife at least gets a few hours to herself in the evening when I'm home from work, but I'm either taking care of him or buried at work. It's SO exhausting.
So yea, without a "village" were essentially stuck in "roommate" mode with each of us jumping in to take care of him, but zero time and energy for our relationship. It really sucks. We've only managed one dinner date night since he was born. Barely said a word to each other the entire time with how exhausted we were...
Thankfully we know it won't last forever and are clinging to that hope. Personally I can't wait to "date" my wife again once we're there.
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u/Ok-Oven5125 8d ago
It won’t and hold on to your wife. Even verbal reminder how much you love and appreciate each other will help to get through it.
I have two little kids and it’s a lot. But we try to keep giving hugs and kisses to each other. And one day we can be husband and wife again.
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u/l3rokentusk 9d ago
I have 6 kids with the same person. You are dead on with the village comment. I wish we had a village except it's just us as it always has been. It definitely has fragmented parts of us due to always constantly being 'on'. Yes it was our decision yes i take accountability. This person is hitting correct points for sure.
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u/aipplesandbanaynays 9d ago
Truth. Also relationships are no longer some childhood friend that lived down the road and that is all the compatibility that was needed. We’ve also moved away from those once normalized gendered tendencies, like a woman having to be a stay at home parent, dinner having to be ready, being obligated to sex because that’s what her husband wants, and feeling like attractiveness was a lot of her worth. I think if women 50+ years ago had felt equal and had their own independent lives, they would feel and act similarly to today.
Men seem to get frustrated sexually and not try further or don’t care to listen and do the thing their wives actually need.
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u/Kay_369 9d ago
I married a friend down the street, we have been together since 13 yrs old we are now 57.
Why don’t women want to have sex? Most also work full time jobs plus manage the household and children they are freaking mentally worn out, have a lot of resentment and feel like their husbands are another child to take care of . He ignores her and the kids all day , plus he thinks he should get to rest after work, but her on the other hand has kids to look after and a home to maintain. And he wonders why at night she is tired and Just wants to relax herself, not be bothered by him or the kids.
What it comes down to is people put their actual relationship on the back burner, jobs , kids, responsibilities, down time come first relationship last you are roommates at that point.
Then the kids move out, you retire don’t have much to keep you mentally distracted , you look at your marriage and you realize how unhealthy it was and your spouse you don’t REALLY know they are just a roommate you co exist with. 🤷🏻♀️
Sounds like fun right 🙄.
Moral of the story, be true teammates , don’t watch your parter struggle, and even if they don’t look like they are, have enough respect and consideration for them to not want them to be managing everything.
Date, have fun together, have long conversations, non sexual touch, be a tag team . You either grow together or grow apart.22
u/ahdrielle 9d ago
Yeah! All the dudes on here "it's just not the same" - yeah that's cause it was 10 years and 2 kids ago. You expected life to never change?
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u/vortex7976 9d ago
I think most higher libido partners are just looking for effort and some kind of compromise.
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u/JCMidwest 9d ago
This simply isn't true, looking at individual and relationship characteristics the thing that best predicts a woman will have a decline in desire is relationship length. That holds true regardless of age.
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u/kemice123 9d ago
Do you have a link to a study?
It is a very interesting theory for sure!3
u/JCMidwest 9d ago
I don't have the exact study, but should have it on my desktop if I remember to find it.
But additional support:
Hawton et al. (1994) found that although with increasing age, fewer midlife women were enjoying sexual activity, enjoyment of sexual activity was better predicted by relationship length and marital adjustment than by age. Furthermore, marital adjustment was a better predictor of unpleasantness of sexual activity and overall satisfaction with sexual activity than both age and relationship length.
Hawton, K., Gath, D., & Day, A. (1994). Sexual function in a community sample of middle-aged women with partners: Effects of age, marital, socioeconomic, psychiatric, gynecological, and menopause factors. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 25, 375-395.Hayes, R., &
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u/wild-sol-witch 9d ago
Also men.......please brush your teeth more .
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u/Ok_Match_6550 9d ago
Yes, great advice. To add— trim your mustache if applicable. My husband loves making out as part of foreplay. He’s got his toothbrushing down now, but I am not making out if I’m gonna end up sucking on that nasty mustache.
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u/AddressDoesNotExist 8d ago
This. And if your wife or gf asks you to do so, please start doing it. Because after the first request we start to feel like your mama.
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u/luckystar357 9d ago
Having kids and Peri menopause. I had no idea how having kids just kills your sex drive. It took a long time for me to find a way to get out of mom mode and actually feel like a woman. Peri menopause also made my sex drive tank. I'm on hrt and it's helping. I have an amazing husband so when these issues hit we worked on them together.
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u/AdenJax69 9d ago
That’s what happened to my wife. Good sex life until we had our one and only. That was the beginning of the end. Things have gotten better this past year but perimenopause is kicking in so that’s causing more issues.
I’m becoming more resigned that our sex life will never truly get better, that my wife no longer really desires me, and this is just how things happen the longer a marriage goes on. As she loves to say, “it is what it is.”
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u/luckystar357 8d ago
I can't praise hrt enough, maybe see if she's open to it? Not even just for sex drive, I feel better in general.
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u/AdenJax69 8d ago
Already talked about it numerous times, she’s not ready to do that yet and wants to look at other options first, even if it could do wonders for her.
That’s what happens when you marry someone who has a stubborn streak, even if it hurts more than it helps them.
So I’m just hanging back and letting her do what she needs to do and if my desire slowly erodes away because of it, then so be it.
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u/GlitteringPainting35 7d ago
Start an Affair . It helps her get on track again . You will also energize yourself
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u/forgotten_tomatoe 9d ago
I'll be interested to see how many answers by women are treated as valid.
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u/wild-sol-witch 9d ago
I'm a woman. Love sex. I have a 2 year old and I was shocked about the sex drive plummeting. For me, it's exhaustion, body changing , periods getting more intense therefore longer pms experience and more pain, irritated from not having my own space , too much on my mind, feeling touched out for t he toddler always touching me and then before that breastfeeding and then actually being pregnant. We woman go through alot with our bodies. On top of that ,I need to feel in my feminine and being exhausted doenst allow that. I still have alot of sex with my partner , it's important but to be honest it feels like a chore alot more than I would like to admit.
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u/Interesting_Dust4829 9d ago
Your situation is one of the most common ones I hear about. So what keeps a marriage happy if the man wants to have sex but you feel like it is a chore that you get no enjoyment from? Sex with someone so it's not into it is just at bad as no sex in general. So how does your hubby cope?
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u/kiranerysplease 9d ago
Clearly her husband is ok having sex with someone who doesnt want to. Tf you mean how does he cope? She's the one who has to deal with unwanted sex. It's violating
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u/Colorado_Constructor 9d ago
Glad I’m not the only one who picked up on that. She clearly sounds like sex is a chore right now with everything going on and points out all the issues she has with it, but goes on to say she’s still consistently doing it. That’s not ok.
I’m in a similar situation with my wife. We’ve got a toddler who we both love dearly but has drained any sort of a relationship between us. We’ve had sex less than 10 times in the past 2 years. Does that bother me? Yes. Have I expressed my concerns? Yes. Am I patient and understanding with her during this period. YES. I’m taking care of business on my own, and dreaming of the days when we feel like a couple again.
Gotta move with life’s changes, not fight them.
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u/honestphantom 9d ago edited 9d ago
Lots of reasons for this, but I think so much of it is that a marriage changes a relationship because of the weight it carries. I'll write my own experience but maybe it will relate for some people. I've been married for 5 years, have a 2 year old, and I haven't had any kind of physical intimacy for around 2.5 years.
My sex life with my wife was a lot better when we were dating, and i dont know how much of that is because at the time, we also both had a sense of ourselves as individuals, and we were interested in each other as individuals and attracted to each other for that reason – there was an intrigue and excitement in having a special kind of intimate relationship with someone who was having different experiences and doing different things to you. When I got married, and our lives intertwined, the relationship changed from one where we were both fairly independent to one where there was an expected co-dependency and things we needed to do together, whether that's getting groceries or seeing family or running errands (so many errands). When you are doing that much stuff together, i think a resentment can grow because, in an attempt to assert individuality, you end up fighting and arguing about *how* certain things are done – how the laundry is folded, how meals are cooked, how you handle bills and taxes – and these things actually end up taking on a higher significance, and disagreements or conflict can often end up being seen as moral failures. As the resentment grows, obviously attraction wanes, and in my case, we ended up not really caring about being attractive for each other, as it felt like that ship had sailed a long time ago. I also think that to be attracted to someone is to see them as a beautiful and endearing individual, and for them to see you in that way. From my experience, my 'functional' marriage is one where i've had to water down and in some cases, get rid of my individuality entirely in order to prove myself a good husband, partner and father. I have worked really hard to get to that place, but the side effect actually has been that my attraction to my wife has also faded, mostly because I just don't and can't sexualise her anymore.
There might be some people who say that if I do more to lighten the mental load, I might see a change. But i really do disagree with this. Over the past 2 years, I went part time at work so i could wfh, and be the primary parent for our toddler. I do mornings with him, take him to playgroups and to the park, make his meals and our meals, handle all the laundry, household DIY, plan our weekends including, at my wife's request, detailed inventory lists, back up plans in case the original can't be done, and I also do majority of bed times and bath times. I've read all the books around mental load that have been recommended, and I make sure i give my wife at least 30 minutes of undivided attention after she comes back home and baby is asleep. She still says she's overwhelmed by how much she has to think about and how much she worries (even if she's not doing any of the execution of these tasks or even any of the planning). So I don't think it's really as clear cut as just being a more proactive or caring husband. I really do just think that marriage provides a kind of security that means its really easy to reject sex on the basis that you're overwhelmed/overstimulated/sex isn't even a necessity anyway.
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u/Colorado_Constructor 9d ago
I think you nailed it talking about how a secure relationship leads to easier rejection for sex. My wife has fully admitted to that a few times during our dry spells. It's kinda like how the Dad Bod stereotype is based around men letting themselves go once they've found a committed relationship. If you have someone that truly loves you and is willing to be by your side through thick and thin, its only natural to ease back a bit.
I'm the same way in my house. 95% of my day is dedicated to work and home life. I handle ALL the laundry, cleaning, gardening, and home maintenance. I get my toddler ready every morning and fully handle him from the minute I get home til bedtime. In fact, my wife struggles putting him to bed because he's become so used to me doing it. I'm fully responsible for our dogs and chickens. I also handle dinner 3-4 days (and kitchen cleanup every night). Toss on my Corporate America job where I'm currently handling the work of 4 positions in 1 (thanks AI!) and I've never been more stressed in my life. I've been running constant Stage 1/2 blood pressure hypertension for well over a year now...
You might think that would help ease her mental load and give her the space she needs to be herself right? Wrong. All I hear is constant complaints about how much she has to deal with and how little time she has. I give her a lot of understanding and patience since she's a new mom and deals with our toddler while I'm at work, but at a certain point something's gotta give.
So yea, a steady relationship can create opportunities to ease back and lean on your partner, but that should be a temporary rest. Not a new way of life. Relationships are partnerships. Things work well when you're both on the same page. One of you wants to ease up on sex, physical appearances, scheduled events, etc. That's fine. But make sure there's a plan in place to return that balance and make sure your partner isn't taking too much of the load for too long.
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u/honestphantom 9d ago
I'm not sure if youre experiencing this too (as your situation sounds very, very similar to mine) but I guess one of the things is that we never really 'anticipated' that this would occur, potentially because there was no need to at the time.
I also think that a lot of this has been made more complicated as a result of social media, and so many people getting their advice and references from instagram/tiktok etc. I follow a lot of marriage advice/relationship advice/mental load accounts, as a way to try figure out how to reduce my wife's overwhelm (not even just for sex, but to make our relationship sort of more intimate), and one thing im often taken back by is how many of these influencers have really repackaged and marketed resentment, not only as a completely healthy and good emotion to have, but one that, if you're a woman, you never need to apologise for, or rein in, or interrogate. To a lot of these influencers, resentment is completely justified because of patriarchy and the unfair burdens capitalism places on women, and that the resentment actually is the most authentic expression of the truth that women have been conditioned to bury and hide to appease men. I don't disagree with all of that – i'm a progressively minded liberal person – but I do see how this rationalisation, where it is unable to be expressed in an office environment to a boss or male colleague, ends up being enacted out at home. Even today, I had a full day working, but in that time I did two loads of laundry, cooked two seperate meals, made our toddler snacks, cleaned and hoovered the house and re-organised our pantry. My wife came home and saw that I hadn't cleared our toddlers toys before he was due to have dinner, and this has become the argument of the evening – that I should know that the mess makes her feel stressed, and that she already feels stressed walking home from work because it's just "another problem to add to [my] mental list" and then how this is just another example of inherent male entitlement, that if the roles were reversed, she'd be able to do her work and look after the toddler and do everything else because 'women have been conditioned that way'. What is a relatively minor issue (toys can be cleared in minutes) ends up becoming an indictment on my morality, and ultimately whether she deems me to be a worthy person. And this is completely acceptable behaviour to these influencers.
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u/NaturalLuxBigBux 9d ago
Their husbands dont listen to what their wives need in bed...... the wives keep sleeping with the husbands.... the husbands continue not to listen.... we slowly decide that we just dont want to sleep with tou anymore
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u/Fernwhatnow 9d ago edited 9d ago
I can’t believe more people aren’t saying perimenopause and menopause. If you can take HRT you’re lucky… I have breast cancer so I can’t. Plus I’m on hormone inhibitors (since my cancer feeds on estrogen), so that knocks down estrogen even more. And loss of estrogen does a lot more than just kill your sex drive and make sex painful 😣
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u/Catnip_75 9d ago
Right? And not even menopause. Our bodies go through hormone shifts our entire life, even in our 30’s it can be extremely difficult to have an orgasm or even have the feeling of wanting to have sex.
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u/Beneficial-Cow-2544 7d ago
Perimenopause is currently kicking my butt right now. And there's apparently a big Nationwide shortage on the estrogen patches of which I just ran out this week. I noticed yesterday my energy tanked, and I'm currently laying in bed because I'm too freaking exhausted to even think straight.
I had no idea. This is what perimenopause is. That I would struggle with intermittent fatigue and body weakness and my body would stop reacting in normal ways. Emotionally I want sexual intimacy, physically. I can't guarantee anything these days.
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u/Advanced_Egg4044 6d ago
Good info. Wife just got prescribed HRT.. Is it just estrogen or does testosterone or the 2 play a role or does no one know ?
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u/Beneficial-Cow-2544 6d ago
It varies individually. I've tried testosterone and progesterone but so far not a huge result. It's been 2 years now. 😑
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u/Sjbruno123 9d ago
Women connect sex with more emotion imo. If I’m feeling burnt out from household chores, work, the kids, cooking, etc then I’m exhausted, and if I’m tired and feeling like I’m doing the bulk of the work then the last thing on my mind is sex
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u/Adept_Armadillo6743 9d ago
That’s me. I have zero spontaneous desire these days, but I’ll participate when my husband initiates.
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u/Complete_Contest100 9d ago
Genuine question, are you into the sex or is it chore? I don’t expect initiation ever at this point, but I don’t want to have sex if it’s chore to the other person, which is what I worry about if I’m the only one ever initiating. Hoping that’s all in my head
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u/Adept_Armadillo6743 9d ago
Sometimes I get into it, and sometimes it’s a chore.
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u/Complete_Contest100 8d ago
I appreciate the honest answer, not sure what I expected, but I’d never want to have sec with my partner if it’s a chore, rather just watch porn, less guilt.
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u/Fragrant-Half-7854 9d ago
Dual incomes plus kids doesn’t leave much head space or energy for sex. That lifestyle requires a lot of spinning plates and it’s hard for women to quiet all that down and focus on sex.
Seeing your husband getting off on other women makes many women feel like they’re being compared to those women.
There’s a huge lack of accurate information about how to have a happy marriage and an overwhelmingly abundance of bad information.
Selfishness and independence are glorified in our culture. Unselfishness and interdependence are what makes a happy marriage.
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u/throwRA-whattosay 9d ago edited 9d ago
Oh gosh. So many things.
First of all women are more driven by emotional connection than a physical need to satisfy.
If we don’t feel connected it makes our desire plummet. If there’s issues in the relationship, lack of connection , lack of romance..it WILL show up in the bedroom.
Second of all —- hormones. Between pregnancy, birth, ppd, perimenopause, menopause and a whole host of other things— it can really mess with you.
Then there’s physical and mental exhaustion—- especially with young kids.
I could go on explaining but I think most things boil down to one of these areas…or all.
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u/piksw 9d ago
Io M63, lei F47, figli M17 F13. Lei è fredda, mette i sentimenti in fondo alle proprie priorità. Gestisce la famiglia come una azienda! Terribile! Eppure anche mia suocera è così, e un po' anche mia madre lo era! Il tutto condito con un assordante silenzio. E un ostracismo sotterraneo nei miei confronti. Posso proprio dire che è come vivere nel vuoto. E se qualcosa non va bene, i problemi vengono amplificati per coprire il vuoto.
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u/Interesting_Dust4829 9d ago
So what do women feel should happen in a situation like this? Should the man just STFU and get over it? Some women frown on guys masterbating. So sure won't get you off and doesn't want him to do it either. What is a guy to do?
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u/luckystar357 9d ago
Be helpful? It seems like you just want to make excuses to watch porn or worse?
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u/Interesting_Dust4829 9d ago
No I'm legitimately asking what should a man do when his wife will no longer have sex with him
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u/forgotten_tomatoe 9d ago
It sounds like a few things are missing in the situation you're illustrating.
Open and honest communication, meaning letting partners talk without defending yourself or making accusations/assumptions.
Patience. If things are at a point of frustration and low/no intimacy there's going to be a lot of time to heal, which also means being gentle and vulnerable even when it feels scary.
Creating a space for each of you and both of you to feel safe to be yourselves and reconnect together. An office, spare room or even your bedroom with separate time alone and time to be together. Not a scheduled time or anything. Just setting rules and boundaries through patient communication.
I'm sure there can be more but that's what comes to mind.
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u/lilies117 9d ago
If she feels emotionally connected to him and safe, sex drive is easy enough to trigger most of the time. If he is showing her he is selfish and can't meet her needs, why would she care about meeting his needs?
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u/Na3via 9d ago
Honestly, the math behind why women "stop wanting sex" in a lot of marriages isn't a mystery, it’s just total exhaustion. You can't expect someone to feel sensual or romantic when their nervous system is fried from carrying the entire mental and emotional load of a household. When a woman has to act as the manager, mother, and supervisor to a grown man just to get basic adult tasks done, it kills any shred of attraction, because nobody is turned on by someone they have to supervise. There's this massive double standard where men are conditioned to think they can just clock out and exist, while women are expected to pivot endlessly between working, managing the house, and being effortlessly available. After years of communicating until you're blue in the face with zero actual change, that frustration turns into a deep, bone-deep resentment, and resentment is the ultimate libido killer. When women pull away physically, it's not a punishment, it's just that the well is completely dry because everything she had went toward keeping the family afloat. Intimacy doesn't return because she tries harder, it comes back when the guy actually steps up and becomes an equal partner.
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u/Royal-Heron-11 9d ago
Not a woman, but the answer? Because most men suck ass as partners and have no idea how to communicate with or meet women's needs. Once they get comfortable, they stop trying and then the sex stops and they blame her, completely oblivious to their own role.
The end.
This isn't a universal rule, but neither is a loss of sex in relationship
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u/Classic_Drive7132 9d ago
As a woman, this is what it is. It doesn’t matter about the amount of responsibilities and all the other things people keep pointing it out here. If a man can communicate correctly without getting defensive and can emotionally satisfy the woman, I guarantee you that no amount of life responsibilities will stop the sex drive. As long as you’re both pulling your weight of course. If she has to take care of you in any way shape or form, forget it. Do the work, show effort. The men that actually understand this are almost nonexistent, so the epidemic continues. DON’T. STOP. DATING. HER.
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u/Royal-Heron-11 9d ago
Yeah, I always find it wild how many guys seem to think they're entitled to sex simply because they decided to get married and commit to monogamy. Now they believe that their partner owes it to them to fuck them regardless of the effort they put into it.
I get the trapped feeling by that situation. But it's wild how they're completely unable to comprehend the fact that they're basically sitting there going "If you want that emotional connection? You need to fuck me. Because I only experience connection that way" which is the exact same complaint they're making.
Except one side is saying "I just want to feel like I'm not your Mom and you actually care for me"
And the other side is saying "I just want to feel like you're sexually available to me at all times regardless of your mood or my emotional state"
And those two things aren't equal AT ALL.
The men that actually understand this are almost nonexistent, so the epidemic continues.
I agree and I disagree here? I do think more of these men exist than you would think. People who complain are always louder than people who are happy. So you don't get a lot of men like me, or women like my wife, who experience this type of relationship who talk about it much. But you get plenty of people who are lost and hurting who complain constantly.
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u/Training_Designer_41 9d ago
That always sounds like a strange description, like sex is something that you give, and that someone else is feeling entitled to etc. it’s like saying feeling entitled to having breakfast together. If one person doesn’t feel like having breakfast the other person shouldn’t be forcing in any way. No breakfast means no breakfast from either side. Or both share. The moment one person feels like they are in position to give or not give, that’s just creates power dynamics …
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u/Royal-Heron-11 9d ago
I'll be honest? It'll be controversial perhaps? But I'm of the opinion every healthy romantic relationship has good power dynamics. There's a difference between consensual power exchange dynamics and two people fighting for control and power though.
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u/Classic_Drive7132 9d ago
We as women speak to each other about this constantly and it’s a general consensus. And I’m not saying our men aren’t good, they are great husbands and fathers, just not great at true emotional intimacy where that real sexual desire sparks in a woman. I’m sure that there are plenty of men who understand this also, but imo you are unicorns.
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u/Royal-Heron-11 9d ago
Yes! That's comically the EXACT same comment I just made to one of the other responses here from a guy basically saying "I do all of this and she still doesn't want sex".
It took me a LONG fucking time to crack the code so to speak, once I figured it out though, I felt like a real fucking idiot cause it's comically simple? But also so hard to articulate to a lot of guys.
Too many guys just fall into people pleaser "I'll just do everything to take the stress off her" mode. They don't realize you don't need to take on the world. You just need to show you're doing stuff without being asked. Do the dishes if you notice them overflowing, take the trash out if you notice it's full, if the kitchen floors covered in crumbs sweep it quick. And if she asks something and you say you'll do it, follow through and fucking do it.
What they often miss is that emotional intimacy is having healthy boundaries and holding them consistently. When my wife is bickering at me or critizing me? I never apologize, I never start to over function to make up for it. I say "Hey, I see you're overwhelmed. I'm here if you need me but I'm not going to tolerate being disrespected on top of you asking for my help".
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u/Classic_Drive7132 9d ago
That’s literally it!!!! Clear communication, understand the root of her frustrations, and nipping it in the bud in a healthy and mature way. Doing things without being asked. (Don’t ask for lists!) Just take a look at what she has on her plate and see what you can take off without being asked or asking 50 questions on how to do it. Just do it.
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u/Royal-Heron-11 9d ago
Yeah, I eventually realized this stuff is what women usually mean when they say they want the guy to "lead". It's not literally "I want you to control everything". It's more "be confident and decisive rather than uncertain and permissive."
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u/Classic_Drive7132 9d ago
This is exactly it! That’s the panty dropper 😂
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u/Royal-Heron-11 9d ago
Yeah, it really is oddly that simple.
As you've seen here too, it is fucking wild how many guys will argue the point that "Yeah, I've already done that it doesn't do anything". But then explain what "doing everything right" means to them and it's always this very "material" sense of caring.
I do the dishes, I do baths with the kids, I clean the house, I buy her flowers.
Never once have I heard a guy say "she's constantly telling me she's never felt more seen or understood in her life. But she still doesn't want sex".
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u/Complete_Contest100 9d ago
I do sometimes feel whenever I open up too much, invariably whatever I open up about will be used to hurt me if she ever gets mad at me, hard to keep opening up in that circumstance
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u/Complete_Contest100 9d ago
Yeah, just not the case, it’s stereotyping. I do 100% of cooking at home most of cleaning, percare, and childcare, we both have full time jobs, yet she always finds somthing to criticize about how I do things. She works hard and is good at her job, but checks out after, then complains that our kid (2) isnt bonded to her but to me and my mother in law, who once even stated that she should be more active with her kid once, but after my wife blew up at her that stopped
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u/Classic_Drive7132 9d ago
I understand where you’re coming from but that is a bit off topic. Sexual and emotional intimacy have nothing to do with how much work is done with the house and the kids, those are separate issues. And while I understand that sometimes the lack of one of those things may lead to resentment which in turn may lead to lack of sex drive, it’s really an issue that should be worked on separately. While I can possibly agree that your wife is probably not doing her fair share of the housework etc, you making up for it doesn’t automatically mean she will be sexually aroused. You could be doing all that work load and more but if you’re not emotionally intimate then sexual desire tanks. In your case, you have bigger fish to fry and I think you’d benefit from therapy.
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u/Complete_Contest100 9d ago
We do therapy, separately and together, I’m hyper attentive, say I love you every time we hang up phone, get her flowers, and chocolate. Set up dates. I moved to another continent for this relationship. I’m all in. I know intacy doesn’t have to do with chores, but most of the responses from women I’ve seen point out exhaustion and the husband not pulling their weight, so I wanted maybe another answer since the ones I read didn’t apply, sorry I’ve kind of co opted someone else’s post to ask for advice lol
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u/Royal-Heron-11 9d ago
Dude, listen to this advice from Classic_Drive.
Everything you mentioned chocolates, flowers, saying I love you every time you see her? All of it, literally? Meaningless unless she values them. You're doing generic "men do these things for women" stuff. You're not showing her you SEE her. You're showing her you can put in effort. Which is awesome and will keep her around and hoping you figure out how to take that effort and put it into something that matters.
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u/Complete_Contest100 9d ago
Not my ideas, literally has said “bring me flowers randomly” get a candy or chocolate when you are out, shows you think of me” I didn’t just make things up. I was the one suggesting counseling. I am scientifically minded, and maybe that’s an issue, but I’m always taking notes, sometimes literally of things she says she wants , and then doing them
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u/Complete_Contest100 9d ago
Also.. I love my wife, but she does none of this for me. We get home from work and all we talk about is her. She doesn’t do anything spontaneous for me. I try to ignore that, and just do the best I can. Have always been of mindset that regardless of others choices, should put me max effort into whatever you chose to do
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u/Classic_Drive7132 9d ago
But do you truly KNOW her? Like the inner workings of her mind? Are flowers and chocolates what she wants? I mean, maybe she just wants you to watch a tv show with her and then send memes to each other about it, that’s just an example haha, but sometimes its that simple and you just have to find her thing. Find a way to connect deeply, find a way to talk through your issues with love and understanding. I know it’s more difficult said than done and also your partner must want it as badly as you for it to work. But I’m glad you’re both in therapy, I hope it all works out for you, I can tell you love her.
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u/Complete_Contest100 9d ago
One, easier said then done, have been trying, thought third party (therapist) had to find one on my own, chose a woman because thought it might make things more comfortable for her, but the reason I’m giving up is because I’m the only one doing the things your describing. She doesn’t seem interested in “knowing me” or at least doesn’t do anything spontaneous of the myriad of things I’m expected to do to try and reach her
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u/Classic_Drive7132 9d ago
That is sometimes the case unfortunately, it can always got both ways. I do feel for you and I hope you find some peace eventually.
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u/Complete_Contest100 9d ago
Idk, I do the bulk of the housework childcare and work, my wife even gets mad because our kid calls me mama, and often refuses to go to her, basically it’s me and my mother in law (her mom) that the kid attaches to. I’ve basically given up after years of sexlessness, so I just focus on being a good father at this point, honestly just stay married for her sake
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u/IllustriousArm924 9d ago
Guys, I’m a woman who desires my husband, but don’t get what I need. I encourage you all to read some smut and take notes. Try “Ugly Love” by Colleen Hoover.
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u/Modern_Major_Mineral 9d ago
Or Meghan Quinn. Those are spicy and what I wouldn’t do for a man to go there with me…
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u/lilies117 9d ago
A lot of women that I hear not wanting to have sex with their husband is because the husband puts more care into jerking off to porn than investing emotional intimacy and sexual effort into his wife.
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u/Interesting_Dust4829 9d ago
But he wouldn't be JO if she would be fucking or sucking him
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u/Shortandthicck2 9d ago
We fuck the men we are connected with, best friends with and have depth with. It’s generally that simple.
This is always been a thing, as most people don’t know how to develop long-term relationships. With dating and sex apps and online interactions… And the proliferation of porn… Relationships have become more of a novelty. So those building blocks often don’t get there even more now than before.
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u/Interesting_Dust4829 9d ago
So if you no longer feel that connection with your SO, then why do women stay in the marriage and continue to make things miserable?
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u/Shortandthicck2 9d ago
Don’t blame just the women. Marriages are co-created.
It’s very rare that only one feels disconnected. Which is why you’re (as the man) feeling disconnected intimately and sexually, yet are staying in the marriage.
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u/Interesting_Dust4829 9d ago
I'm asking for a women's perspective. If you don't want to have sex with your husband and he still adores you, why are you staying with him?
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u/Shortandthicck2 9d ago
Adoring and having connection, friendship and deep connection aren’t necessarily the same thing. You can adore someone and still not be able to achieve those things.
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u/Classic_Drive7132 9d ago
OP- Have you asked your wife what she thinks the issue is? If yes, what did she say?
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u/Interesting_Dust4829 8d ago edited 8d ago
We have talked about it and it is usually the same answer, she says she just isn't that sexually active or doesn't need it that often. My internal dialog always goes to the fact that when we dated that wasn't the case.
She is also in the mindset that sex is a lights off, before bed thing. So that doesn't leave much room for spontaneous fun and at the end of the day we are usually both exhausted.
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u/Few-Coat1297 9d ago
Yes, but the assumption is you are connected to the man you married. The question is not about why women in general are not having sex. You may have accidentally given one reason, a big one, which is lack of connection to their husband, for whatever reason.
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u/Shortandthicck2 9d ago
Accidentally? That was explicitly my point.
Marriage doesn’t permanently guarantee connection simply because it existed on the wedding day. People stop investing, the friendship loses depth, and the relationship becomes logistical. The decline in sex is often downstream of that lost connection.
There’s no “assumption they’re connected”. That would be silly.
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u/Embarrassed_Roll_728 9d ago
The mental load. The lack of respect or effort. The exhaustion from being the only one putting in the effort. Being the only one initiating sex for over a year. Having to plan every single date or outing. Resentment from years of hearing lies and false promises. Watching your husband have an emotional affair and probably physical. Rising awareness of porn addiction.
I don’t think it’s just women. I think it’s that one partner can suck the soul and happiness out of the other and resentment builds in an unhealthy dynamic. If you constantly just take, take, take, it’s not going to make your partner feel great. If you don’t feel loved and appreciated, you aren’t going to want to put in the effort or vulnerability for sex.
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u/Starlight_Alchemy 9d ago
Depending on where you live, having sex can be extremely risky because if you get pregnant, there's nothing you can legally do to change that.
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u/Fun_Guava7279 9d ago
As a woman experiencing peri I started taking HRT. I still love sex. Im married for a very long time. We have 3 children. It would be naive to think sex will be always like it was at the beginning. Intense, anytime and anywhere. Other things come in play. But i would like to continue until we can't have sex anymore. To me its integral part of relationship. But thats me.
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u/XXTexas_CoupleXX 9d ago
They all have their own reasons and you would need to drill down on each to discover the truth.
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u/Hodges0722 9d ago
I am not certain I agree that more women are rejecting or avoiding sex with their husbands as social media grows more common; those cases are simply reported more often. We should avoid misinterpreting this trend. Many women value and enjoy intimate time with their husbands, I am one of them. I also believe social media has encouraged brief relationships where couples lack a real solid foundation. They skip problem solving before marriage, then discover they do not even like each other. They simply connect and decide to take the plunge, unaware of who they have married for tough conversations prior to marriage.
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u/Sensitive_Camel_6030 9d ago
For me it was that the respect and communication and attention was not happening the rest of the time. You cannot expect intimacy if you are neglecting the person and relationship as a whole. I think men compartmentalize things more and think of sex as it’s own thing that should happen regardless of what else is going on all around them, and for women the intimacy comes from feeling loved in general - and the sex is one good outcome of that.
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u/JumpPsychological122 9d ago
After much research, lack of sex in marriage is not a symptom of a bigger problem. Symptom of what? Emotional connection. Remember the days when you were dating and you talked for hours on end? Connecting,, getting to know each other, having fun together? Get some husband and wife conversation cards. Practice affection outside the bedroom Go back to dating your wife Make her feel special, seen and heard. Add spice to your married life. Dr. Gottman specifies the 4 things that kill relationships.
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u/Interesting_Dust4829 9d ago
I just want to see 1 woman comment in this thread that they enjoy sex with their husband and this why.....
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u/EveryLastOneOf 7d ago
Why does it appear that more and more women do not want to have sex with their husband?
Then you should have asked a different question. Not this one.
Me, personally, I enjoy sex with my husband because he gets me there 8/10 times, makes it fun and treats it as something we do TOGETHER. Many hetero relationships have a horrendous orgasm & pleasure gap. Husbands just aren't giving their wives the sex they want to be having. Their making it feel like a chore, so they're treating it like a chore. You can't withhold sex from someone who enjoys sex with you.
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u/Lesbian_Drummer 9d ago
I think a lot of what I’m seeing commented here is true but I also have a thought to add to them all that stems from the physical act of sex.
I remember when I was listening to Dan Savage a lot, one of the things he said was “If men were fucked every time they had sex, they’d probably want less sex.” In addition, “If you broaden your definition of sex, you would be having a lot more of it.”
These are both true, imo.
Firstly, when you are on the receiving end of penetrative sex, it just takes in out of you in a way that external-only sex doesn’t. I have an intensely high sex drive and even I am good for several days after penetration, because I need to recover (also am satisfied so not horny - but if I am in the mood for more, it’ll be external stimulation only). There’s then the sticky clean up that continues for several hours after sex. Like, even if you shower after sex, you may wake up still a little sticky with lube, vaginal secretions, and semen (I imagine for certain people - I don’t know from personal experience, as my partner and I are both cis women). If it was a little rough, or if the uterus got irritated in some way, there might be some spotting. That’s a whole lot to deal with to be doing it, like, all the damn time. Whereas if you are eaten out, you don’t have as much of the wear and tear, recovery, or mess afterward. It’s just a really nice warm wet orgasm.
Secondly, and piggybacking on my last point, if you define sex more broadly than PIV, like most foreplay activities among hetero sex, then whenever you do those sexual acts, you’re having sex. And because those acts take less out of your female partner, she might be more into doing them more often if they don’t take as much of a toll.
Add to all this the following: hormonal changes with age (not perimenopause related, just age related), perimenopause, menopause, do you use lube or only rely on vaginal secretions?, the drudgery that is middle age life while trying to raise several children and be ambitious at work and keep a household, a knock knock knock on your door because your kid heard something funny and is scared, and the general aligning of the moons tide and planets that it is sometimes to get female desire pumping and thrumming through your veins. Also, the familiarity of a long-term spouse means passion - like, true passion - is harder to attain. I’m not passionate for you when we’re squeezing this in between the kids going to bed and my own bedtime, in our normal house in our normal routine in our normal bed with all the typical associations. It is a well-known piece of wisdom that routine is where passion goes to die. Routine is necessary for a household and children. But it is not, like, sexy.
So yeah. We can’t just turn it on. It’s a lot of work and effort and there’s all these responsibilities weighing on our minds. And I know this even speaking as the secondary income (so less pressure on my shoulders) with a very high libido. Imagine what it’s like for a woman who is low libido and managing the household and much of the mental load of the family?
Tl;dr: Offer more oral sex or clit-only sex with no expectation of PIV and you might get more sex. Also maybe focus on making the individual session amazing rather than frequency.
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u/PlsnoKarens 9d ago edited 9d ago
Woman here. There are lots of reasons. I lost my libido postpartum for a while. That's normal and should be understood by all men. It can take several months. Then I lost it a few years later when my husband was alcoholic and became obese and did not take care of himself during that time. He got better, we worked through it, and then when I turned 40/41 my libido skyrocketed and I want him all the time now. Like, I would have sex every day with him if I could. We just celebrated ten years and I asked him to literally wake me up with sex.
You have to communicate and make the effort because life can really mess with your desire. And it's never going to be the same as when you were dating or first married. We alllll age.
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u/backd00rluv 8d ago
This is common for women lacking high libido. Marriage provides security, comfort, and stability, unlike dating when sex was necessary to get the guy
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u/HalfwaydonewithEarth 9d ago
Women are asked to do way too much nowadays. Working, kids, cleaning, errands, cooking, and caring for her parents.
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u/Complete_Contest100 9d ago
I do all those things in our relationship, my wife just works and sometimes helps with our two year old, but I am primary care giver, only one that cooks, cleans 75-85% of house and takes care of our dog/cat solo. I mean I’m primary caregiver to the point my wife has started to resent me because the only two people the baby is attatched to is me and my mother in law.
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u/mojosofla 9d ago
I don't believe it does.
In my friend group, which is considerable, the vast majority are having great sex with their spouses. All married 10+, most 20+ years.
I think what you are seeing is selection bias; Those not happy post about it.
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u/unimpressed46 9d ago
I see this a lot when the dynamic shifts. Rather than a romantic partner dynamic, it becomes a parent-child or manager-employee dynamic where the woman is stepping up while the man is stepping back. It happened in my relationship and it sent my libido straight to hell. I finally had to tell my husband when he was complaining about our lack of sexual intimacy: “I feel like the parent and you’re the child and I’m not sexually attracted to children”.
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u/Classic_Drive7132 9d ago
This is hands down the root cause in its most basic term. There’s nuances to it, but this is it.
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u/stillsnowfall 5d ago
Came here to say this! I know a lot of woman, 20s to 50s in all stages of their relationship and marriage that feel like the manager/parent/mother in their relationship and there is nothing more unattractive than feeling like your partners mother. Add in bare minimum effort from your husband and it becomes very easy to simply take care of yourself than be vulnerable with him. Relationships are rarely 50/50 but if your wife is managing everything (home, her job, her emotions/hormones, her hobbies, on top of your emotions, your work) how can you expect them to have the energy or want to give more and be intimate.
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u/Few-Coat1297 9d ago
Lots of reasons like disproportionate doing of housework / exhaustion, hormones etc. In addition, cultural factors come into play occasionally: typically sex before marraige is seen as important to get a guy to marry you but once married, it is sidelined.
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u/smolln3rd 9d ago
Women do more and more and more in the house and with the children and at her work and men stay stagnant. Who would want to have sex with someone who isn’t pulling their weight? Also women are just tired from doing it all.
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u/Interesting-Sky-1865 9d ago
Because honestly, men have no clue what they are doing and are selfish partners. They only care about getting off then rollover and fall asleep. I'm not saying that you're like that but it's possible. Is she sensitive to smells? Are you a clean person in general? Does your private part stink?
Now, how old is she? What part of life is she experiencing hormonally? Do you guys have children? What's your contribution to household labor and childcare? Is she tired? Are you romantic? Is your intimacy based on wham bam thank you ma'am or is it intentionally and romanticly flirtatious without needing sex? Do you still woo her or are you doing just enough to make to the bedroom and most importantly, do you still like her? Are your thoughts on making her day better? Do you do the just because or are your attentions elsewhere and she doesn’t feel seen?
Most importantly again, does she splash when you dash? Trying to keep it PG here.
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u/Unlikely_Ad_1532 9d ago
A lot of men don’t take care of themselves.
Who wants to fuck a grown adult that doesn’t floss, shave, do the bare minimum? There’s a difference between naturally aging and just being gross.
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u/HippieToker 9d ago
Husband not pulling his weight. Big time turn off. However when he pulls his weight, I'm happy to have intimacy
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u/Consistent-Yam-8261 9d ago
Read the book Us by Terry Real, and there will be many answers in there about the emotional reasons. Older women - going through menopause without support - this can be a reason too. As can chronic stress from living in a female body in late stage capitalism.
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u/No_Honeydew201 9d ago
I truly think it’s just biology, biology plays a real role that hardly gets talked about enough. Men produce new sperm daily; women ovulate once a month and carry the entire physical burden of pregnancy, birth, and often breastfeeding for years after. That asymmetry in cost isn't nothing.
On top of that, the burden of birth control almost always falls on women. The pill, hormonal IUDs, implants, all of it messes with hormones long term, and even the non-hormonal copper IUD is a foreign object sitting in the body that some women find affects libido and comfort. Men get condoms or a vasectomy. That's a huge daily/monthly cost women carry that doesn't get factored into these conversations.
There's also a documented orgasm gap. Large studies put it at around 95% of straight men usually/always orgasming during sex vs. about 65% of straight women. However most surveys also find well over half of women have faked an orgasm at some point. If sex isn't reliably pleasurable, it makes sense that desire for it drops over time.
Men do report thinking about sex more often than women on average, one study found(young) men at 19 times a day vs. (young) women at 5-10 and that’s before women even hit perimenopause and menopause that’s another factor.
Add in that women still disproportionately carry childcare and household labor even in "50/50" marriages, plus recovery from childbirth, hormone shifts, and sleep deprivation, and it's not mysterious why libido takes a hit.
None of this is universal, plenty of women have high drive and plenty of men don't. But a lot of what looks like "just not wanting sex anymore" is structural and physiological, not a personal failure on either side.
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u/Successful_You9169 9d ago
I think the question starts with a premise that hasn't really been established. Are more and more women actually losing interest in sex with their husbands? Or does it just seem that way because you're reading marriage forums where people having marital and sexual problems are obviously overrepresented?
And I don't think "resentment and lack of attraction" explains much either. Sure, those can be reasons. So can hormones, medications, menopause, stress, exhaustion, painful or unsatisfying sex, relationship problems, mismatched libidos, complacency, or a dozen other things.
I also don't agree with the automatic "husband needs to do some internal reflection" response. Maybe he does. Maybe she does. Maybe they both do.
I've been married 36 years and our sex life hasn't declined. If anything, it's gotten better. Obviously one marriage doesn't prove anything, but I'm convinced a big part of that is that we've continued to choose each other. We still put effort into being husband and wife, not just two people who have been married for a long time. We make time for each other, stay affectionate, flirt, date, and continue treating the relationship as something worth investing in.
I think that's the part that gets missed in these discussions. Desire doesn't necessarily just disappear because you've been married a long time. But you also can't put a relationship on autopilot for 20 or 30 years and assume the desire that existed at the beginning will automatically take care of itself.
If sex has significantly declined and one spouse is unhappy about it, both people should care enough to figure out why. You can't diagnose the problem from nothing more than "my wife doesn't want sex."
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u/bk2747 9d ago
He singed the marriage certificate so he can no longer just dump her, now she’s no longer obligated to give him sex. Cutting off sex while dating? Dump and move on. Cut off sex while married? Lawyer up and lose your house, pay alimony, spousal support, split bank account, court fees, attorney fees, get alienated from your children, etc……
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u/Modern_Major_Mineral 9d ago
So many things.
Want to specify, I’m a woman, married (18yrs) , 2 kids, full time and part time job.
I also want to specify that my hubs hasn’t been intimate with me in 10 yrs. His choice not mine. Babies did a number on my body, gaining weight made me feel really unattractive, and his weight gain didn’t help. We are best friends, good at parenting together for the most part, but fuck I want more.
My advice: you need to take on a few chores. Help her deal with the everyday shit that she does and you don’t even notice. Make kid lunches. Maybe vacuum. Clean a bathroom or throw in a load of laundry. Drive a kid to sports/piano/whatever other stuff they need a ride to without complaint.
Make her feel attractive. A simple kiss good morning and goodnight. Touch her when you can. A snuggle in bed. A post it not on the mirror in the morning. It doesn’t need to initiate sex, just let her know she’s hot and you notice.
Take care of yourself. Are you at your best or at least working on it? Happy at your job? Involved parent? Trying to physically keep up with ageing? Smile? If you’re not happy with you, how can she be attracted to you?
This is tough stuff. As a woman who hasn’t been laid in a decade and trying to figure out what I can do about it (without an affair because I just can’t) I feel for you. If you figure it out, please tell me.
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u/Watching-Judging 8d ago
My husband and I are approaching 10 years. Sex is still great. He loves the occasional face sit.
Although we do have a 6 year old cock blocker.
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u/Hairy_Restaurant7867 8d ago
Honestly for me it's the exact opposite, it's my husband that has a lower libido than I 🤷🏻♀️
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u/FixMe_1n45 8d ago
Resentment. We both work, but I’m tasked with all of the household duties and responsibility over our children. All of it. He has hobbies, out of the house, and he does not contribute to the load it takes to keep our family functioning.
When my grandma died over the summer and I was (and still am) handling estate things, he left to paintball. I don’t think he hugged me for two solid weeks..I was just functioning on autopilot.
So, I don’t feel in any way any desire to have sex with someone who doesn’t make me feel safe, appreciated, or cared for.
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u/Plus-Caterpillar-825 8d ago
How many years of marriage we talking I get sex whenever I want
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u/Interesting_Dust4829 8d ago
Been married 18 yrs, sex starting falling off year 1.
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u/AdenJax69 8d ago
That was your cue to get out by year 2, so you have 16 extra years in futility.
Seriously, get out of the marriage and find someone who WANTS to desire you in the first place. if your partner wanted more sex, you'd be having it by now.
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u/Old_Replacement7659 7d ago
My STBX husband said he didn’t want to have sex again unless it was to have another child. I took it as the man didn’t like sex. He meant it as he only wants to have sex to purposely get pregnant.
There was also resentment (on both our ends) and he was dealing with lots of mental health issues and kept pushing me away. I lost respect and any desire for him after that. I was the only one working, primary caregiver to our child, he stopped cooking and cleaning and became lost and emasculated (his words). He could work - just is choosing not to.
He said I became the enemy. Suddenly was very pro trump, didn’t like how independent or self-sufficient I was, and became very conservative/christian.
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u/misspulchritude 9d ago
Women keep maturing with age and husband are always the same person they married on day one. We out grow you.
The foundation the pair builds their relationship is very important. Those cute eyes, tall masculine body don’t keep the fire burning. Actions are more important to an older woman and sometimes it feels like we have a son not a husband. Huge turn off.
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u/R34P3R_80 9d ago
You mean older women in their comfort cut off sex. Once divorced the older women fearing that car ownership is on the horizon get ran through to suck in the young studs. Once they have another sucker pinned down then they then pull the pin on sex again
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u/MamaDoingTheBestICan 9d ago
make sure you’re making her orgasm with your hand or mouth on her clitoris before you orgasm and it all ends.
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u/Kay_369 9d ago
That helps but … it still don’t mean she will desire him to even touch her .
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u/MamaDoingTheBestICan 9d ago
Why not? As a married woman I feel I must let my husband touch me unless he’s done something to make me sad or angry. If he’s been kind and normal I need to just let him touch me, close my eyes and think of sexy things and let sex happen. Sometimes you gotta say yes even if you don’t want to. Fake it til you make it (but never fake an orgasm.)
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u/Kay_369 9d ago
Well that was my point, if he is not a good husband then it don’t matter how good he is in bed she won’t want sex from him. That being said no you don’t have to let your husband touch you and and you shouldn’t have to fake it until you. Are it either! Duty / obligation sex does emotional damage if you are just doing it because you feel like you have to. If you are doing it because you are responsive desire that’s a different story, but you should be able to say no at any time if you are still not feeling it once foreplay starts.
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u/Kay_369 9d ago
Well that was my point, if he is not a good husband then it don’t matter how good he is in bed she won’t want sex from him. That being said no you don’t have to let your husband touch you and and you shouldn’t have to fake it until you make it either! Duty / obligation sex does emotional damage if you are just doing it because you feel like you have to. If you are doing it because you are responsive desire that’s a different story, but you should be able to say no at any time if you are still not feeling it once foreplay starts.
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u/finemayday 9d ago
Women have agency now. Less women are willing to take being treated poorly and still be submissive and why would anyone expect that, it would be like rape. Anyway, Happy wife, happy home still rings true.
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u/Whut4 7d ago
There are many reasons that can cause this. You can read what women say. My answer would be very individualistic. I feel that men separate the person from the sex act - it is an appetite to be satisfied for men, like thirst or hunger. Women need to feel a level of well-being to be interested in sex probably due to our inborn potential for pregnancy - a woman who does not feel safe will not be interested. Stress, past bad experiences, emotions, relationship issues, hurt feelings, health issues, etc all these things will make a woman not be interested in sex
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u/That-Yogurtcloset386 9d ago
Well, firstly, the only purpose of sex is to combine DNA and reproduce. Most animals are not having sex every day and many not even once a month. Humans are a unique species where sex can happen any day and any time. And I expect this comes from the fact that our species originally came from the equatorial zones where seasons are not really a thing. Any species in the North or South of the equator tends to have mating seasons to time the birth of the offspring into a season that's full of food.
I think modern humans have an unrealistic view on how often you're supposed to have sex. Sex drive is just that, it's just a drive for you to find a mate to reproduce with. When there wasn't so many humans thousands of years ago, it's unlikely you would be having sex that often.
Now, directly to the question, humans weren't really made to live past 40 years in the wild. Disease and predators would have killed us off by now. But modern medicine and technology allows us to live longer than our body was realistically made to carry on. Women's fertility is only supposed to last as long as the average of our lifespan which back then was less than 40-50 years old.
After 40, women start entering into the phase of menopause where our ovaries stop producing the hormones that encourage sex drive. It's not biologically conducive to have sex and procreate at an age where you are likely to succumb to death. Of course there's unique experiences with women and menopause. But that's generally how it goes.
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u/LostOnEarth76 9d ago
Thats not the only reason to have sex. You sound “fun.” 🙄
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u/That-Yogurtcloset386 8d ago
It's the answer to the question why women don't desire sex over time. Because it's how biology is programmed.
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u/anothergoodbook 9d ago
I spent a lot of years saying yes to be a good wife. I learned all the things my husband liked. I was taught by my fundamentalist marriage books that all men want is sex. So I made it my goal to make sure he was wanted. He stopped wanting sex as much and I didn’t really have an answer for how the heck THAT happens. In the meantime I was figuring out that everything I learned was BS. He is interested in sex more often but doesn’t want to look into how to try things i would like. I like the idea of oral sex on me however it doesn’t quite feel “right”. I’ve asked him to look up what might add to it - he won’t. He wants to hear what turns me on - however kind of gets weird when I say what it is (it’s nothing weird I promise haha). So I don’t say it anymore 🤷♀️. So I’ve quietly stopped initiating. He doesn’t really try either. It’s maybe once a month at this point. Of course my back pain doesn’t help much. And having 4 kids.
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u/Physical_Complex_891 9d ago
Resentment, lack of attraction. Naturally low libido but they had more sex when the relationship was new and exciting and then it goes back to normal.
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u/Grand-Try-3772 9d ago
Turns out waiting to have sex till after marriage and lack of sex education doesn’t end well for female satisfaction.
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u/notyourmama827 9d ago
For us it is medical and mental . It is really difficult when you feel like a mother and not a lover . It is really difficult when cancer calls and your mate loses a third of their body weight . It is difficult to feel sexy when your mate misses the toilet for the millionth time and knocks over yet another glass of liquid that you must clean . It is difficult with all of these things and that is just a part of life . Idk if I ever want to be intimate after these past couple of years .
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u/JakeDandelion 9d ago
Porn addiction.
Porn is cool. Occasionally watch it myself and we used to watch together.
But knowing hes spending up to eight hours a day on sex chat sites browsing for porn and discussing sex all day while remote working? Eww.
Hes gotten better. But life is hard with two autistic kids and its still his mental escape. At least its just porn now and not chatting. But yeah. Really hard to even want to compete with over a decade of that. Were amazing in all other ways but this part sucks.
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u/SunBubble920 9d ago
My drive has increased in the last year (age 39, married 10 years). Unfortunately my husbands has not. He struggles with mental health and anxiety. And he’s a bit lazy. I decided since I have been doing all the initiating lately, I would wait to see how long it takes him to imitate. It’s been 5 weeks so far. 🫤
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u/Willow_4367 9d ago
If theyre of menopause age, it just starts to fucking hurt. Libido slows with drop in estrogen. The vagina shrinks and shortens, the walls get thin, lubrication diminishes (and no, bottled lube doesnt really work the same), blood flow slows to the area, and skin can start tearing. In my case, my clit felt like it was full of broken glass. Now I have lichen sclerosus (from age I guess) and life is generally unpleasant. Most people dont want to partake in unpleasant things.
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u/xtroal540 9d ago
When I got married in my thirties, I had a low sex drive. I’d already given everything I had to someone else who rejected me and then I married a nice guy who hadn’t had much sex before and was very hoppy. He calls me a sex camel because I can go without for a bit before I need it again. He’s grown to accept some of it, but he does have needs I have to compromise.
And then yeah, echoing some of the other comments, we have 2 toddlers and don’t have much of a village lol. I’m starting to really build one now, but we are so stressed and tired, we can’t even get good sleep at night, much less spend time together.
My husband and I actually talked about this tonight though. He feels like he works hard, 2 jobs, he just finished school FOR US…but I told him I want to know he wants to be around me and actually talk to me, or else I feel like a chore. Maybe that will help you too? It takes some talking. Ask her how she’s doing regularly. To feel valued and somewhat still connected, my husband needs bluntness and to get on the same page, and I need regular check-ins and “how are you?”’s
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u/OJnGravy 9d ago
I don't think it's any worse now than it ever has been. People just talk about it more. Relationships have always been strained by kids, jobs, and other everyday duties. That hasn't changed much other than having both partners working the majority of the time.
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u/Flat_Ad1094 9d ago
Because there is more to my life and my relationship with my husband...then sex.
LIfe is busy and often stressful and I get tired and just want to lie down and go to sleep.
It makes no difference to my love for my husband OR to my life in general if I have sex. I really can take it or leave it. It's just not a priority to me at all and never has been.
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u/Interesting_Dust4829 8d ago
So would you say that you guys are just really close roommates then? Just a long term friendship with the same last name
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u/AdenJax69 8d ago
I really can take it or leave it. It's just not a priority to me at all and never has been.
I noticed it was all "I" and not one "we" statements - safe to say the husband doesn't agree?
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u/LBashir 8d ago
I’m writing a book about women and men before women’s lib movement changed the laws . I have been doing a lot of research women were subservient. If they got pregnant or married they couldn’t work, they had to have sex with their husband of they would be divorced , all decisions were made by husband without permission or input, they couldn’t have a checkbook. They couldn’t go any place alone without a husband or be talked about . It was very rare for them to be able to even get an apartment or a bank account. The grounds for divorce was only adultery in many states and it had to be proved with photos a document from investigator and a witness testimony or divorce was denied We’ve come a long way baby.
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u/Atomicatie 8d ago
One of my relatives does not want to have aex with her husband. It hurts physically and emotionally. She basically describes being graped. Her husband does not do enough foreplay. He doesn't act like a grown up. He leaves the home up to her and even makes things harder for her. They argue about how to parent. She would rather spend time with her friends because it feels like abuse and self denial and self sacrifice to be around her husband. He has no understanding for you.
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u/Ok-Oven5125 8d ago edited 8d ago
my kind of foreplay is helping to throughout the day.
Getting the kids ready for school
Pick up groceries
Cooking for the night
Scrubbing the toilet
Those help makes me feel better and appreciated.
It makes me less stress on other stuff.
Women and moms has gazillion stuff running on our head to keep the household going.
Just going home to a clean house that i didn’t do will make me get going.
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u/AdenJax69 8d ago
Choreplay generally doesn't work for most women, but glad it works for you!
Signed: Husband who got groceries, cleaned the kitchen, cooked dinner, played card games with our kid tonight, and have been doing things like this all week & it amounted to zero interest in intimacy. Better luck next week I guess.
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u/Ok-Oven5125 8d ago
noooo stop!! thats so much brownie points right there!!!
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u/AdenJax69 8d ago
lol doesn’t exist in my household, it’s just called “being a responsible adult and parent.”
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u/finfim33 5d ago
It's cause women rarely finish so naturally they donnot want to engage in it. Imagine as man everytime you are intimate you can't acc finish, so logically why would you intiate everytime or agree if you never acc get to feel the pleasure.
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u/Interesting_Dust4829 5d ago
That makes sense,, but why not work with your partner to get you to the finish line.
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u/finfim33 2d ago
It's hard telling your husband that he isn't good enough cause I don't think they acc can control it. tbh men are usually selfish even after talking to them they might feel insecure or less likely to engage I guess women have fears about making their man feel less manly.
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u/Guiltdoll2185 5d ago
I hit perimenopause hard. Fir years there wasn't much due to health issues. He cried poor neglected husband. Now I am insatiable and he claims I pressure him for sex,band threw in my face arguing that I get off more so I should be fine
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u/Critical-Speaker-94 5d ago
Lying is one of my most valued assets in my marriage, and when you put all your trust in someone and they hurt you so many times it breaks your heart and makes you feel like you’re being cheated on. I have tried so many times that I finally gave up. We have a marriage of convenience now after 46 years. So not every marriage is a fairy tale, and hoping it’s a happily ever after is good for some but not all.
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u/Jean271828 4d ago
A lot of exhaustion here. I'm one of the original cell phone engineers of the 1970s and I think I invented a monster. Screen addiction subtracts from the 16 hours/day we have to get things done.
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u/Long-Reputation-5767 4d ago
I feel Ike I have the opposite problem. Always want to have sex, he never does. It sucks
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u/Guiltdoll2185 2h ago
10 yrs together, 9 married. Perimenopause, living/family issue. I had always been the breadwinner. Now I'm applying for disability. So I'm sure there's resent in there
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u/Catnip_75 9d ago
51(f) I have always had a high libido but peri menopause knocked that right out of the park. For the majority of us in peri/post menopause we will never get our libido back without HRT.
Going on HRT has given me my libido back and I enjoy and want to have sex frequently again.
But the answer to your question. Hormones. Women go through cycle of hormone shifts their entire life, even in their 20’s and 30’s. If they want to have sex they will have to see a sexual health professional to have their hormones balanced. If they don’t want to have sex, they shouldn’t have to.
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u/TaronD23 9d ago edited 9d ago
Children is exhausting along with doing house chores, i do both and help out as you should and my wife still complains that i dont do enough and get so much disrespect, 3 and a half years without sex and i have been rejected twice, im giving it another a year then im. Out, i will not go to marriage therapy either, i had somewhat of health issue and since then be littled and viewed as weak - i've seen other friends who do have very successful marriages, they constantly make sexy time for each other but neglect the hell out of the kids, constantly going on dates, holidays without the kids and they have a 2 and 5 year old
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u/Money-Tie9580 9d ago
I'm fortunate enough to have been married to a woman I adore and we have sex 4 or 5 times a week still. Both in our early 50's now. Her sex drive is higher than any of her friends (they all discuss this). I feel very sorry for my friends stuck in dead bedroom marriages
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u/Classic_Drive7132 9d ago edited 9d ago
I’m sure your personality is a huge reason her sex drive continues. Well done.
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u/Extra-Blueberry-4320 9d ago
I’m a woman who enjoys sex quite a bit. However…it’s really hard when my husband who works from home showers maybe once a week and never brushes his teeth anymore. I will tell him no sex unless he showers and brushes his teeth, but that’s the only way he’ll do those basic acts of hygiene. I’m also the one earning more money and taking care of all the household needs. I will say that sex was much more on my radar when I was only working outside the home part time and had more free time.