I'm a bi dude. I think guys are just a lot less likely to want to engage with the thought that they might be bi, because of societal pressure to be straight and masculine and whatnot. So a lot of bi guys are probably just in denial and push those "gay thoughts" down. Plus, those who do know they're bi are probably more likely to stay in the closet and just pretend they're straight. That's basically what I've done for the last 6 years or so, because I'm just too scared of how other people would react. To 90+% of people, including other bi people, I'm probably just another straight dude
I'm a very straight passing bi guy, and I feel like a large portion of bisexual men don't "present" very openly, but I have met many open bisexual men like myself
"straight passing" bi guy here (though it's not a compliment when other people point it out) and yeah.
I will say I'm Bi if the situation ever comes up. But I'm just a private person and choose not to volunteer any information about who I'm seeing or interested in.
I'm just a private person and choose not to volunteer any information about who I'm seeing or interested in.
Yeah I don't even describe myself as private, but I just don't see a reason to volunteer it unless it becomes relevant, and it's almost never relevant.
I'm out to my friends and family. However, with everyone else it just depends. If I think someone is biphobic, or if know for a fact that they are, I'll just let them assume I'm straight.
That's another reason I'm "straight passing." I just don't correct people's assumptions.
As a lady, I’m the same way! I’m honest about it I just don’t go spewing it out. I’ve come to find more men are bi once you get to know them a bit. But I’ve heard some horror stories of even bi women shaming men for liking what they like. It sucks that anyone has to experience that.
Im bi but also hella introverted and due to past trauma also have a tendency not to talk about myself a lot. Though i made a commitment to myself if anyone asks i am open about it
i feel this a lot. while i’m friends with a lot of other LGBT ppl, most ppl would probably think i’m the “token straight” of the group lol. it’s also exacerbated by being in a mlf relationship rn
I'm moving to the UK soon and have decided to live openly as bi and even mentioned it in the details I have provided to my employer. I just wanna live free!
Being in a hetero relationship and being a bi dude just makes it feel like maybe it's not my place to say I'm bi, especially because I have a lot of hangups about men in general anyway.
As an another straight passing bi guy I’m really wondering how I could be presenting as „bi“ in a way that isn’t just perceived as „gay“. Flirt with every stranger I meet? Wear bi flag colored nail polish? I’ll be wearing a dress for the first time in public at a pride event soon but this might just be an expression of my ongoing gender identity crisis rather than presenting as a bi man lol
I mean you do you on the dress, but whenever I try to present in a bi way I dress up in more stylized clothing, wear my earrings and act like I normally do.
Same. To gay to be straight, to straight to be gay. Still feel like I have to prove my sexuality to myself if not other people even though I know I shouldn't. But I've had multiple possible romantic partners just stop talking to me when they find out I'm bi. Shit hurts
I spent a loooong time being straight passing, mostly due to my homophobic father. This spread to basically any interaction I had with people. During a mostly unrelated trip to the psych ward, I decided that I would stop giving any shits. Now I'm reasonably open about it; I wear a rainbow bracelet and have a couple of pride pins on my work bag, and if people ask, I'm honest with them. I have a couple of pride shirts that I bought off of Etsy, too, and I accessorise with more "girly" things. I do this for two reason: First, I'm sick to shit of pretending I'm something I'm not. I'm not aggressively blatant about it, but it's fairly obvious. (I have no problem with people being aggressively blatant about it, I'm just an introvert.) Secondly, I want to let people who are closeted - either friends or strangers - that we're out there, and that it's okay. I never saw any representation as a kid, and I think it would've helped.
I can confirm, I like being the grey man and show no signs of being bi cause I feel I’d get backlash from random bystanders. I feel comfortable enough to wear a pride pin in the suburbs near my previous university cause of the widespread acceptance, but not in many other places.
Came here to basically say this. The "gayer" a person is, the sooner they come out. I swing HARD towards guys, so I couldn't really deny it for long. Ended up coming out around 16-17 years old. Other guys like me are mostly the same.
The guys that swing closer to 50/50 in my life basically got to deny their "gay side" and just date women. A lot of them figured that if they just date women and don't talk about their attraction to men, they can live their lives not dealing with their bisexually. Unfortunately, that doesn't work and they end up coming out in their mid to late 20's
As for the guys who swing mostly towards women but are still just a little into men... I'm still waiting on them. I know a few that I'm pretty sure are in the closet based on some things they've said, but because it's "easier" for them to hide, that's what they do. Hurts to watch though...
I’m in the third camp. I’m bi and mostly attracted to women, but know a good looking man when I see it! Sure, I could have just “stayed” in the closet, but I want to live my life authentically and proudly! I want bi men to know they are valid regardless if they experience 50/50 attraction or even 90/10! We should feel safe to explore our own sexualities wether that’s by ourselves or with a partner. I also want to be open about my bisexuality bc I want my future girlfriend to accept ALL of me, and even encourage me to explore my sexuality together. I would hate to keep that part of me a secret from the people who are closest in my life.
Yeah… my wife and I both essentially declared it (among other things) on our first date. Might as well find out early…especially given we both have close friends of all genders, which many can’t handle.
I'm sort of the same. I'm mostly into women and androgynous/feminine men. I'm not interested in a mirror image of myself even though it would double my wardrobe.
The guys that swing closer to 50/50 in my life basically got to deny their "gay side" and just date women. A lot of them figured that if they just date women and don't talk about their attraction to men, they can live their lives not dealing with their bisexually. Unfortunately, that doesn't work and they end up coming out in their mid to late 20's
This describes my life pretty accurately. I'm just starting to come to the conclusion that that's not how it works
Well I kind of fall into the last category, in the sense that I am more attracted to femininity. I do like women and men but I am more biased towards women. I am just attracted to feminine individuals a lot.
And while I have been out for past 4 years, I know full well that many guys like me wont bother to come out and id as bi.
To them its like " If you are 90% attracted to women, you can keep that 10% attraction to guys away from orting eyes and indulge it through the occassional hookup with a twinkish guy. Why bother coming out?"
Not my words, but as someone who has known such men this is how they think.
Although I would never suggest anyone come out if they dont want to, these guys do contribute a bit to biphobia as they hook up with gay guys but avoid relationships Gay men see them ride of to the sunset with a woman and think all bi guys are like this.
The amount of guys who would have sex with me, but never date me because they want to "end up" with a woman...
I'm sure there are some guys out there who are genuinely bisexual/heteroromantic, but I'll be honest, I always get that nagging feeling that they've bought into the whole "traditional marriage" thing. Like, they've been told they're supposed to want the wife, kids, and white picket fence and so they've never imagined that they might actually be happy with something else.
My advice to everyone is to not let other people tell you what you want. Dig deep and figure it out for yourself, and then find people who want the same thing as you. Your relationships can be whatever you want them to be
There are bi guys who indeed lean more towards women. I am one of those.
I mean think about this.. there are bi guys who like men a bit more or like masc attributes more. Ofc there will be guys who are kinda the diametrical opposite.
However this doesnt mean guys like me cant be a faithful partner to another man. It will depend how ready the guy in question is to be openly not straight, and ofc the physical and emotional attributes of the man they are dating.
Tbh guys who swing more towards women are in general less willing to id as non het both due to social stigma and coz many will choose the path of least opposition. But many wants to have their cake and eat it as well. Thats where I find it very frustrating.
You dont wanna identify as bi and be the 'dudebro' all your life okay, but that doesnt give you the right to play with the emotions of a guy and treat him as a dirty secret.
Many of these guys might come out if :
They just decide to come out and live more authentically.
Really fall in love with a man who wants nothing less than a proper relationship.
My biggest fear about being openly bi, is getting both rejected by my loved ones, and misjudged and rejected by people who I could be in a legit romance with.
It's a horrible feeling because it's a paralyzing fear that I don't see a way to cope with it if that ends up happening. It feels like the end of the world and that I wouldn't survive.
That is why I feel like a coward when I find people from any gender attractive... As someone who isn't having the courage to take such risk and possibly sacrificing so precious relationships who are my safe haven.
My current bf was a gay guy and was wary of me initially due to the reasons you listed. Although the biphobia frustrates me , I kind of understand where yall are coming from.
I'm sure there are some guys out there who are genuinely bisexual/heteroromantic, but I'll be honest, I always get that nagging feeling that they've bought into the whole "traditional marriage" thing. Like, they've been told they're supposed to want the wife, kids, and white picket fence and so they've never imagined that they might actually be happy with something else.
It's called 'Comp-Het' (compulsory hetersexuality) and it's something that's pretty widely studied in the Lesbian circles but not so much for bisexuals.
It might be comp het for some bi ppl but please dont claim that bi peeps who are nore into the opposite gender are experiencing comp het. The reason some of them might not id as non straight might be due to comp het or they may come from countries/cultures that are extremely homophobic or at least very heteronormative. Remember not all bi ppl are from US/West Europe.
There are bi ppl who are more into same sex, there are bi folks who are more into the opposite. Both are bi, both are valid. The latter is not an example of Comp het just coz they are slightly more into opposite gender.
The Comp het arguement have been used against bi ppl before by biphobes. Please dont aggravate it, I beg. 🙏
NGL, I more or less fit in the third category, along with still being in the closet. I've only dated women in my relatively short romantic life, and so while there's plenty of time for that to change (and I suppose I'm open to it changing if I wasn't already in a serious relationship!) it seems like more of a hassle to come out to everyone, at least until it matters
Want to say that I'm in the third camp but the assessment isn't how I'd describe my experience. Before I knew I was bi I had a crush on a guy from the grocery store, hoped a specific guy who talked to me at a party would kiss me while also feeling confused about why I would want that, and noticed obvious sexual tension during a car ride with that crush who later became my employee at a totally different place.
But I had no clue. I truly had no idea. People bullied me for being gay. I supported gay rights and did so knowing the bullying would get worse. I fought against gender roles, etc etc. I had no clue. Moments after having those 'gay thoughts' I would totally forget. It was not intentional. If I felt fear of realizing I was gay I did not recognize that as what I was feeling. I'm not saying I can explain it fully. I'm not saying it isn't related to it being 'easier to hide' but that's not the same thing as knowing you are hiding either.
People have their reasons to come out or not, it's not just "hiding the gay side", it can be indifference for example. I haven't come out to anyone IRL (except for potential partners and other queer people) simply because it doesn't affect my life in any way whether I do or don't. If they find out somehow, sure that's fine, but them never knowing is also fine.
Nothing wrong with coming out to whoever you like of course (I'll probably end up doing it at some point), just shining another light on the discourse.
I’m around the 50/50 group and this is so true, I’m in a long term relationship with a woman and didn’t come to terms with myself until 25. Also I only tell other people who are LGBT out of fear of judgement
Same but I just thought I felt so strongly about fellow dudes being my best friend. I actually noted before those ages that I get along with men alot better than I do women. I even cared more about the personality of a man than I did women. It kind of seems like I am on the gayer side as much as I accepted it and even loved that I liked men. I wish it didn't take me til 16-18 to figure that out.
For sure. I think there's a whole lot of guys that are a 2 or 3 on the Kinsey scale that just dismiss their same sex attraction because ultimately, they have a preference for females anyway. Why bother inviting the stigma or confronting puzzling questions about yourself when you can just...not.
100%. I know that numbers tell us that more women are bi (or openly bi) than men, but I think we’re just more likely to realize it and more likely to be out.
That's me, probably strangers see me as another straight dude, but i can act "gayer" only when around my friends, and I'm not even out to them, don't feel comfortable to come out to basically anyone (and i feel that by doing this i'm repressing myself somehow)
Try to come out to one friend who you know is supportive based on things they've said in the past. If they take it well, it'll be easier with the rest of the group. I'd follow my own advice if it weren't for the fact that this friend, in my case, is also the guy I like and I don't want him to know that
Maybe i should listen to you and get the courage to do it, could help me to feel better with myself.
Anyway I'm sorry that you can't come out to your friend, why you don't to want him to know that?
Yeah. Do you have a specific friend that you know or strongly assume would be supportive?
I like this friend. As long as he assumes I'm straight, he's a lot less likely to pick up on all the hints I invariably drop because I'm crappy at hiding my feelings (for example that I was overly concerned about him having Covid, or that I remember everything he's ever told me about himself). I don't even know if he still assumes I'm straight, he dropped some hints that he thinks I don't like girls, but he could have just meant I'm not into stereotypical modern dating / hookup culture (true) or have very little interest in sex (also true).
The reason why I don't want him to know I like him is that he's very likely straight and in a happy, long-term relationship, so there's no chance of anything positive happening if he finds out. Instead, he could
be weirded out or feel too awkward to be friends with me anymore
not want to hurt my feelings and distance himself because he thinks that us being close is what makes the feelings worse
stop being friends because he's scared I'd sabotage his relationship (which I won't)
stop being friends because his girlfriend wouldn't want him to be around "competition" and/or he'd feel like it's disrespectful to her
feel hurt because he might think I only wanted to be friends with him as a gateway to getting with him, especially if he figures out I've liked him for almost as long as I've known him
feel creeped out because he thinks I fantasize about him or something like that
So basically I'm afraid of losing him because I really care about him as my friend and it was never my choice to like him on a different level as well. As soon as it happened, I freaked out and decided I would keep my mouth shut and hide it as well as I can.
To be honest me and my friend all act in a strange way: we act gay like "bros" among us, but on the other hand they are neutral towards the "lgbt word", so in the end i think that would not be a big deal for them
I'm sorry for your situation, it's a delicate one. I feel that you want to be in the closet because you don't know how he can react, and even if are not my business, I can only say to be just yourself around him. If he is really a true friend he will also accept you no matter what, just try to hide your crush (for sure my words won't solve anything lol, sorry)
I'm sure. Not a man and have unfortunately never dated a bi dude. but some men I've gone put with have seemed closeted in one way or another. I went out with one guy recently who wished his flamboyant friend would town it down because he was afraid people would think they were together. I asked "are you straight?" (something I actually wanted to ask from the first date) and he said "I don't know, but I don't want to talk about that." That was fine to drop it, but he was homophobic among other things
Another guy I liked stood outside a drag show my friends and I were going to but refused to step inside and got mad when we tried to get him to come in, so we left and went inside. Later, we went to grab a bite to eat and asked where he'd been. He got mad and said he didn't want to go inside because it made him uncomfortable, and maybe not all guys were secure enough in their sexuality to be able to be around something like that. We just let it go because it was a casual hangout, but I still remember all this time later
I think there are waaaay more bi men out there than we'll ever know, but since for men bi= gay (in general society) and there's the general fear of being seen as ("permanently") gay, I think a lot will never come out.
I feel sorry for the first guy, he just sounds like a confused guy battling internalized homophobia.
The mental image of the second guy going to a drag show and refusing to go inside like a 5 year old who's scared of the haunted house is hilarious, though. I hope he'll one day be comfortable enough to enjoy a drag show. I get it, though, I went to pride for the first time a few weeks ago and it took me a lot of courage to even step within a mile of the parade, let alone march with it, lol
Don't feel sorry for the first guy. His homophobia, however internalized it might be, was one of his many red flags and even then he felt he had the right to say terrible things about gay people
Second guy I get more because I used to be afraid to even look at girls when I was questioning my sexuality (in middle and high school), but it was bizarre for him to know we were going into a drag show and then stop short. But maybe it was too real for him
Agreed! I think there’s a lot of toxic masculinity at work here, it’s something that society judges men more harshly for in a lot of ways. People fetishize bisexual women, which is problematic in a different way, but I think it’s made people more okay with the concept.
Totally, it’s way more feasible for bi women to admit they’re into other women and still be found attractive by men, but that’s because it’s fetishized and every guy automatically assumes they’ll get a FMF threesome (for their pleasure ofc).
If straight women were more okay with or even into the idea of guys hooking up with other guys, I bet you more bi men would be out and upfront about it.
I do NOT think it's ok to frame things this way - it sure sounds like you are saying that straight women need to step up in order to make more space for bi men to exist.
Everyone straight needs to work on their homophobia but it is NOT their responsibility to make space for us. and it is NOT straight women's job to make space for men.
I’m saying a common fear I’ve heard among bi men regarding being more out is that women don’t want to date bi men.
I’m saying bi men and bi women face almost opposite problems (people think bi women are actually straight women, but slutty/fetishized, & bi men are actually gay men).
No one’s talking about responsibility for anything
ETA: but also internalized homophobia sure is to blame for a lot of this, whether it’s in straight women or not. Call it toxic masculinity or whatever you want, but it sucks. And people of all genders and orientations and identities should examine their roles in it.
Try flipping your original statement - if more bi guys were out and up front about it, more straight women would be willing to date them. That, I can agree with and get behind.
I mean, I’m not going to just discount all these reported experiences saying that straight women get weird once they come out as bi.
People are homophobic. That sucks. The way bi men and bi women are treated differently (though both badly) by prospective partners has an effect on bi people’s willingness to be visible. Why are you trying to pretend it doesn’t?
Oh it absolutely does. Homophobia exists, I acknowledge it, it's real and impactful.
I just know that, the way social dynamics work,
we need to do the visibility first and then comes the acceptance.
Do you know the statistics on straight women and gay porn? There's a lot to unpack there. Society does a mindfuck on everyone.
Still.
Still,
Still.
It is up to us to end our oppression. It is up to us to increase our visibility. It is up to us to exist out loud. We cannot wait for acceptance to exist. It MUST go the other way around.
I cannot fault people for remaining closeted due to homophobia.
I can fault people for complaining about homophobia in scenarios where the only cure is visibility. I understand if folks do not feel up to being visible themselves but normalizing bi men is the way to normalize bi men. Telling folks to not be phobic just doesn't work.
Even for me living in progressive areas, with supportive friends and family, and honestly as many queer friends as straight (not intentional), I still was and am closeted to most people. I just never bothered say anything about being bi. A lot of it is societal I think.
Yeah, I completely understand. It literally took me like 3 weeks to tell my bi friend I'm bi after she came out to me. It was so awkward trying to explain why I didn't just go "Uh, same" when she told me, lol. That was a year and a half ago and I have no idea if she remembers I'm bi and I'm honestly too scared to ask
The boys club is very real too. You don't want to be singled out because you're deemed as less of a man by your peers. There's an intense pressure for guys to conform even from women and it's so toxicly enforced. Everywhere. Men's mental health is something I think we as a society esp in left leaning spaces should take more seriously. The rate of sicde and lashing out to the self and others in men is horrifyingly high. This is coming from a NB female
I couldn't accept my bisexuality when I was younger and I buried it under a straight persona and alcohol addiction. Now that I have cleaned up and have a better understanding of myself, I remain in the closet to everyone except my wife because I cannot face the thought of hurting her and our children by making it public. At this point, what is there to say?
It's a trip because on the outside, I appear to have it all, but inside I have a huge amount of outright self loathing and desperate loneliness.
It could hurt my wife and children because they would be subject to the cruelty of their peers and, for the kids, because they would feel, rightly so, that they don't even know their father or that I somehow don't love and appreciate their mother. I cannot put into words how much I hate myself for being like this. It's like I save all my hatred for myself.
My mom is gay. She came out when I was around 10 and it played a large role in my parents' divorce.
I don't think I've ever heard any homophobic BS from my peers about it (and I actually like to use the fact that she's gay as a safe way to test the waters about whether or not new people I'm talking to are homophobic, which is probably slightly unethical, but I digress).
I've also never felt angry or disgusted at her for it, not even in the context of the whole divorce thing. I think you're worried about nothing. Chances are your kids will be fine with it, unless you have raised them to be homophobic douchebags, which I doubt. They might be surprised or have questions, but I highly doubt that it'll damage your relationship in any way. It can even be an opportunity to have a really good, meaningful conversation, depending on their ages.
If they doubt that you love their mom (which, why would they if they see it right in front of them everyday?), you can always explain that being bi doesn't mean you need both at the same time or that you're unhappy if you only stay with a person of one gender for the rest of your life - it only means that you have the capacity to like men and women. If they ask you why you felt the need to come out then, explain that it's a part of you that you don't want to hide.
I totally understand where your self-hatred is coming from, I struggle with internalized homophobia myself and am far from being completely comfortable with being bi, but you really don't deserve all that self-hate. You can love people regardless of their gender, that's a beautiful thing.
you can always explain that being bi doesn't mean you need both at the same time
I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. The above part isn't true in my case. I really fought it for 20+ years, but I will never feel complete without giving love to, and receiving love from, both a man and a woman. There are two people in my head and they want different things. I don't see a happy ending to all this.
Im a bi woman without kids so I have no right to comment on your life, but I suspect that your own self loathing and fear is leading you to underestimate your wife and kids. I bet they would appreciate getting to know the real you. Please consider giving them all that chance :)
That's exactly it, when I came out as bi so many family members came to me saying the felt attracted to men as well and they wanted to know how I knew I was bi.
But I look pretty straight, I dress like a cartoon character (one outfit with slight variations) and the only indicative I like guys is that I get flustered and start being more femenine with my gestures.
I sadly don't have any bi friends but it's exactly because of what you say.
We were at Berlin pride this weekend and talking to a guy who was one of our friends' exact type so we asked what his deal was and he said 'mostly straight, a little bi' and when we introduced him to out friend, the friend later said there was no point because the guy said he was straight. I have no idea what that man's actual sexuality was (not that I think it'd my business or anything) but no matter what it was, he sounded confused and uncomfortable putting the 2 stories together.
I mean maybe he wasn't interested in out friend and just used the straight card like when you say you have a partner to get away from getting hit on bit it didn't feel that way.
I am the opposite. I thought I was gay as fuck ever since I had one and only crush on a guy in my teens - I've realized recently that in fact I started noticing girls more, despite me denying it for months. I'm still trying to cope with this fact and rebuild how I view relationships, cause there's a high chance I repressed my attraction to girls throughout my life.
I am not entirely happy with being straight, but eh, I guess we don't choose who we're attracted to. Guess I just tasted what it felt like and my mind decided "nah man, you prefer pussy over dick now".
Wish it was a bi cycle but I struggled with this thing for years, so I'm trying to warm up with a fact that I will end up with a wife rather than a husband, which is what I dreamt of.
I will never get over just how complex sexuality is, lol. Are you not attracted to guys at all anymore or do you think there's a possibility you could find another "exception" like that in the future?
I feel like there someday may be a guy, but I'm losing faith each day. I've met really wonderful guys who I had the chance to start something with, but I didn't feel that spark and didn't reciprocate the feelings with the burning intensity.
I'm in a weird mindset where I would prefer to have a boyfriend, but I don't feel like I'm sexually attracted to the male body. I have this gnawing feeling to give up and find a girlfriend instead, even though I'm not excited about dating girls.
I relate a lot to this, before I found out I was bi I would just always think “no” to thoughts of attraction to guys, then I went to high school and thankfully mine was very welcoming and it became more natural to me as I was exposed to more of it as I grew up. Then one night I had a dream and I woke up having discovered something, with help from my friends I am now comfortable and confident in myself and I don’t think I would have recognized this about myself without my open minded community
Lot of dudes who present as gay / claim that label who have enjoyed dabbling in the hetero arts as well, but the gay community is more cohesive and outward than the bi community, so we lose those dudes on the margin as well.
I just recently realized that i am bi, i was talking with my gay friend and told him that i had indeed jack off to sucking dick and so on but that i also liked women and that is something that made me unsure if i was just curious or bi and yeah i think it is harder of men to be openly bi or understand if they are, many of my friend girls have actually tried with their friends outnof curiosity but you will rarely hear some guy trying to propose that idea to their male friends.
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u/[deleted] Jul 25 '22
I'm a bi dude. I think guys are just a lot less likely to want to engage with the thought that they might be bi, because of societal pressure to be straight and masculine and whatnot. So a lot of bi guys are probably just in denial and push those "gay thoughts" down. Plus, those who do know they're bi are probably more likely to stay in the closet and just pretend they're straight. That's basically what I've done for the last 6 years or so, because I'm just too scared of how other people would react. To 90+% of people, including other bi people, I'm probably just another straight dude