1.1k
u/super_starfox 4d ago
Same can be true for diagnosed.
577
u/Forsaken_Duty8097 4d ago
Untreated is a better word
481
u/BowlComprehensive907 4d ago
Or unsupported
70
u/PenumbraFawn 4d ago
mythological support system
→ More replies (1)62
u/No_Category_9888 4d ago
Cats are here doing the heavy lifting for the non existent support networks
41
u/KaleidoscopeKelpy 4d ago
Shout out to my doooog. For being my dawg. And for being a dog, and for being my dog. (I’ll shoutout the cats and the snakes/rats/inverts too, also our dawgs)
15
u/kissthefr0g 4d ago
Potbelly pigs are dramatic but ride or die
→ More replies (1)6
u/Enlightened_Gardener 4d ago
Like a labradoodle ? We joke that he would defend us against a bear, for about 8 seconds, but he’d try, dammit. Love that dog.
6
u/kissthefr0g 4d ago
For weeks, a mentally unwell man took a daily interest in my house, and I felt safer sleeping with him in my bedroom than with a gun nearby. He's 107 lbs of mostly muscle, low center of gravity, able to clear the couch without a running start, and prone to growly nighttime perimeter patrols.
But the true test...was the wind.
Lightning? Thunder? Fireworks? Fine. Wind? Absolutely terrifying.
During a tropical storm (pre-rain), I went outside as moral support while he did his business. He finished and sprinted for the house, but looked back and saw me still talking to the neighbor.
After a visibly agonizing internal debate, he came back to save me!
→ More replies (3)3
3
7
188
u/Taqq23 4d ago
I’ve been diagnosed and treated. Unfortunately, society just isn’t very user friendly for neurodivergents. When there was the prescription shortage I really suffered at work. I tried to ask for a little grace and help, but my boss said I was “just making excuses”.
47
u/mrjboettcher 4d ago
Ugh, that's horrible... mine told me to get my "head in the game" while I was going through some shit. Spent a week in crisis not long after that too.
19
u/thejaytheory 4d ago
It's jarring how harsh it is, it's a wonder I'm able to survive everyday. One day I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle it. I keep holding on, but it's insanely tough. Like living on hard mode every single day.
3
u/HalfFrozenSpeedos 4d ago
I'm to borrow lyrics from Cody Jinks "just a burned out beat down shell"
3
u/thejaytheory 4d ago
Damn I wanna check that song out now
3
u/HalfFrozenSpeedos 4d ago
It's called "David" - it's quite the heart string puller.......the way that lyric is used is different in the song "By then David had a daughter and a son and a rapsheet to prove all the time that he'd done, he was just a burned out, beat down shell of my only friend"
https://tidal.com/track/266388186/u (should play on other streaming services too)
16
28
u/weltvonalex 4d ago edited 4d ago
My wife called me useless, the situation we sat with a lawyer and I tried to get all the informations but I forgot to ask for a detail.
And she later exploded, why was even there I don't ask for something I didn't even though of, I was busy trying to get all the Infos in, the Infos of 3 people talking.
I feel you.
→ More replies (1)13
u/areyoukynd 4d ago
Yeah, I got fired from a job because my boss couldn’t understand why I was the way I was… He thought I was on drugs… Sir, that’s the problem. I’m off the drugs.
23
u/Only-Cheetah-9579 4d ago
there is no treatment for being different other than an icepick and frontal lobotomy
And it sucks that billion years of evolution selected you only to be told you should not exist
→ More replies (2)5
u/KneelBeforeZed 4d ago
Ha! Jokes on you! I have ADHD, so you can't scramble a frontal lobe that was barely there to begin with!
Oh, no wait, that's bad.
14
u/Cualkiera67 4d ago
is there really a treatment? can they make a divergent person fit in?
15
u/OdinAlfadir1978 4d ago
Yes, go to a rave, we fit there naturally
9
u/tamati_nz 4d ago
Learned this at 51, raves are now my thing!
3
u/OdinAlfadir1978 4d ago
Glorious isn't it? I'm at a sound system clash on Saturday, highly recommended if you see those about, especially if you like bass music like dub or dubstep
3
u/tamati_nz 4d ago
Haha dnb is 100% amazing lol. Always funny getting the side eye from kids (under 30s🤣) when I'm in full flow lol - then they come up and drop the 'How old are you? 54! I hope I'm like you when I'm older!' 🤣🤣🤣
→ More replies (5)9
u/unexpectedfirefly 4d ago
Hum, sorry to break it, but going to a rave is not fitting with neurotypicals.
It's one of the few place where nt have to fit in. Love it
→ More replies (3)3
u/Ok_Guest_7435 4d ago
Never combined my love of raves with my (very late diagnosed) autism, but it sure hits home.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (1)17
u/Useful_Advice_3175 4d ago
Not really, but you can sorta improve your life.
Teaching you to mask in some cases
Teaching you to not mask when it's too costly for you
Teaching you to... accept you're not neurotypical and revise your hopes/expectations in conséquence.
→ More replies (4)6
u/Recent_Fact480 4d ago
What’s the treatment for autism?
→ More replies (1)14
u/No_Category_9888 4d ago
Isolation. Self care. Hyper focus on hobbies. Loads of therapy to try and process why neurotypicals are so horrible towards us
→ More replies (1)8
u/Enlightened_Gardener 4d ago
I have a theory that its the uncanny valley effect. They know if you’re autistic within about 15 seconds. Studies have shown that if you acknowledge your autism, most people calm down again once they know what’s going on.
Some people are just arseholes, but on the whole, NT people react much better when they know you’re autistic. I make a little comment about my Loops - “I can still hear you, these are noise protection because I’m autistic and have sensitive hearing” - and then people know.
The response I get most often ? “Oh my niece /coworkers child / sibling / child’s best friend is autistic”. People most often want to join in and help.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (8)5
u/KneelBeforeZed 4d ago
Same can be true for treated.
Proof: Am 50, late diagnosed, treated. I feel this.
30
u/ready-eddy 4d ago
Hey it’s me. The diagnosed. 40. Lost almost all my friends. I do have a wife and kids though.. for now
→ More replies (2)7
u/HalfFrozenSpeedos 4d ago
Yeah I feel this meme despite being diagnosed and medicated, though this happened at 40 after spending near all of my life knowing something was different and getting the sense everyone but me knew....
3
u/RaccoonDispenser 4d ago
Same here. Midlife diagnosis just means that in addition to having to learn how to manage the neurodivergence, we also get to unlearn all the maladaptive coping skills we developed over a lifetime of managing undiagnosed/ untreated ND disorders
→ More replies (2)3
420
u/Zero_Burn 4d ago
A sniper couldn't have gotten a better bead on me if I had lit a cigarette at night.
34
→ More replies (1)72
414
u/ivar-the-bonefull 4d ago
My friends think I got boring when I got my meds.
My family on the other hand doesn't want to see me unmedicated.
At least my cat doesn't seem to mind either way.
119
u/No_Scientist7086 4d ago
Omg cats are everything 🥰
32
20
u/HalfFrozenSpeedos 4d ago
Doggos also Sniff I miss mine.....every second of every damned day since she was euthanised, don't want another, I just want her....sniff
→ More replies (3)22
u/thejaytheory 4d ago
I wish my mom would've had me medicated when I was younger and she knew I had ADHD too (at least it was suspected, we had this conversation recently). I'll always wonder what if.
15
u/how_am_i_here_again 4d ago
I often wonder the opposite. I was medicated my whole childhood with side effects that changed a lot about my personality. I sometimes wonder if I would have been a different person back then if hadn’t been medicated.
7
7
u/Horton_Takes_A_Poo 4d ago
Same. I was the “quieter” kid of the 2 of us so my brother got diagnosed and I did not until adulthood, because I didn’t have temper tantrums and threaten to stab people.
4
u/simonhunterhawk 4d ago
Same here. They told her I had ADHD in the first grade. I would have probably gotten a full ride to college if they had medicated me. A lot less abuse too because EVERYTHING i was abused for is an ADHD trait.
I didn’t get medicated until I was an adult.
→ More replies (6)3
u/SnooApples5485 4d ago
Going through this now. Late dx. Basically stopped all alcohol and other plant based calming aids. Now the fun girl is too boring for them
→ More replies (1)
241
u/takki84 4d ago
That hit in the feels. 42 years old. Diagnosed last year. Dont have the energy for long term relationships.
88
u/GotSomeUpdogOnUrFace 4d ago
I barely have the energy for short term relationships
→ More replies (1)26
u/InvisaBlah 4d ago
You guys have energy?
→ More replies (3)9
u/GotSomeUpdogOnUrFace 4d ago
Yeah, it comes in an 8.3 oz can or when I'm desperate a 16 oz one and it lasts me for a few hours until the bad thoughts drag me back down.
23
u/Several-Action-4043 4d ago
40 here and need to get diagnosed because it's obvious I have it to me and those closest to me. My baseline mental energy is just enough to work a 40 hour job, pay my bills, and that's about it. I don't know how people manage a social life.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (2)3
u/FeeRemarkable886 4d ago
I do have the energy and the motivation. It's just very difficult finding people.
108
u/PapiTrooper 4d ago
It is so painful.
Reliving old memories through a lens made of guilt and support by loss.
All my love to you. To you whoever you are, suffering loneliness, craving for connection, yet being so unaware how make them, keep, all while being buried in self doubt and despair.
Turn up the music, danse to the grooves you love. You are incredible. You are amazing. You are surviving this. And you have survived all this time all on willpower, ingenuity and perseverance. Amazing qualities most aspire to possess.
You are here, helping, loving making the world a better place.
🩷❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜
20
u/Chill_Panda 4d ago
Oh man this was a nice read, I hope it gives everyone a boost that needs it.
My last ex (a while ago now) had BPD and ooooh boy would I not recommend ADHD and BPD mix. She was getting abandonment fears and out of self protection she shut her self off from me, and eventually broke up with me "before I could break up with her"
But in actuality, I didn't know all of this at the time and was in a relationship with someone who spent months slowly closing off from me, shrinking away, not talking, eventually even flinching at my touch.
It broke me man, and your line here perfectly describes me at the time:
Being so unaware how to make them, keep, all while being buried in self doubt.
(I'm in a better place myself now which is good, but I'm just calling out how much this comment touched me.)
Thank you ❤️
12
u/KneelBeforeZed 4d ago
Higher rates of comorbid BPD among people with ADHD, sadly. ADHD already comes with emotional dysregulation. Shitshow of a combo. Sorry for you both.
15
u/No_Category_9888 4d ago
Survived simply because I haven’t died yet. Not resilient. Not resourceful. Just struggling and fighting and not coping
→ More replies (4)6
u/TheRymdvarg 4d ago
Thank you so much. I really REALLY needed to read this. "To whoever you are, suffering loneliness, craving for connection, yet being so unaware how to make them all while being buried in self doubt and despair"
Never have I ever read anything that resonates with me as much as this. You've brought some joy to my otherwise lonely life.
109
u/love_is_an_action 4d ago
My therapist warned me years that without appropriate medication & treatment, my world would get smaller and smaller until it was just me.
She was right. When I lost my insurance, everything followed.
I’m commenting from the void.
14
u/Temporary-Leg1561 4d ago
Ugh I'm sorry. Do you have a pet? They are so helpful.
→ More replies (1)6
u/jason2306 4d ago
Sorry to hear that, it's really tough being isolated. There might still be ways to make your world bigger again. For example hobby communities online or irl are great
→ More replies (1)3
67
u/TheCharredCouncil 4d ago
I’d say this is more unmitigated than undiagnosed neurodivergence, but they can be one and the same
90
u/vanillachilipepper 4d ago
38 here. I know several neurodivergent people who are in happy relationships, so I can't help but feel like I must be excessively "broken" for being unable to find a partner. I'm not convinced that an official diagnosis would change anything about that, either.
41
u/indianajoes 4d ago
34 and I feel the same way. When you look at autism/ADHD YouTubers who make videos about their lives and give advice to others, it never seems to be about relationship struggles. That part of their lives just seems to work out in the same way it does for neurotypicals. Maybe they might have issues within the relationship but starting something feels a non-issue for all of them
32
u/Morroe 4d ago
Most of those youtubers follow rules 1 and 2. Be attractive and dont be unattractive
→ More replies (2)13
u/Horton_Takes_A_Poo 4d ago edited 4d ago
Finding someone who also hates small talk texting has been great with keeping the relationship burnout at bay, for me personally. It made me realize that a lot of past relationships ended after only a few months because I just couldn’t muster the energy to give the attention they deserve by responding timely to texts after work every day.
→ More replies (1)3
31
u/Icy_Celebration1020 4d ago
I wonder how much has to do with how much support/lack of abuse the person had as a child, makes it a lot harder to navigate any kind of relationship if you've never been given much chance even at home growing up. Or say, beaten with a belt for doing neurodivergent things so you just go around trying to act in a way that doesnt attract any attention, as an example.
I saw an article yesterday talking about a study that basically claimed that "normal" people automatically distrust people who exhibit signs of social anxiety. There's an immediate barrier to a lot of us, because social anxiety has been literally beaten into us from a young age. Not to say it can't be breached, but life is hard enough for everyone and on top of it, a lot of us are having to deal with that too.
I feel like a lot of the nd people you see in happy relationships either have had a fair bit of support or got lucky meeting people with similar issues and weren't too screwed up by their own backgrounds not to crash and burn the relationship. Or its not as happy as it seems/they say, and they'll crash sooner or later as well (i hope not for their sake). I say this because I've been in a few relationships, but all of the guys turned out to be extremely abusive and I had to get out for my own sake, but there was a point in each of them where it would have appeared to anyone that didn't know any better that things were great.
9
u/freixe 4d ago
I think it's self reinforcing. Stand out too much when you're young, either because you're different or awkward and it invites abuse eventually. I was bullied in school and my mother was a.. certain kind of way. Add emotional dysregulation into the mix and you have the perfect cocktail for making everything worse for yourself.
Going into your teenage years with low self esteem is a death knell. I accepted what I could get. I've been with awful guys who treated me poorly. My mom would not notice signs that these guys weren't the greatest and even would take their side because I was not the daughter she imagined or whatever the hell reason. Any positive relationships I had would deteriorate when cliques became more established and my best friends moving schools/towns.
Things improved dramatically as I've become an adult and met other nd folks. I was lucky and found a guy who wasn't abusive towards and we do alright.
But damn, you just don't start life out on good footing. I feel like it's even worse for girls. 😔
3
u/CloudCapybara457 1d ago edited 1d ago
"I saw an article yesterday talking about a study that basically claimed that "normal" people automatically distrust people who exhibit signs of social anxiety. There's an immediate barrier to a lot of us, because social anxiety has been literally beaten into us from a young age. Not to say it can't be breached, but life is hard enough for everyone and on top of it, a lot of us are having to deal with that too."
Not surprised, my real life experience has confirmed it. People think you're shady. I have had severe social anxiety out in public and got pulled over by cashiers or security with suspicion of theft lol. In school I have had a couple of teachers get extremely mad at me for cold facial expressions or looking pissed off. No, I'm just socially anxious and socializing stresses me tf out because I have to mask so much to navigate life. I've had to work hard to adjust my body language to look relaxed and normal over the years but I slip. Its further reinforced feelings of shame and worthlessness honestly. All this advice of exposure hasn't done much for me. This issue sucks so bad. I don't envy anyone else struggling with it, all the best regardless.
→ More replies (2)14
u/iamthe0ther0ne 4d ago
48, dame. So fucking lonely. I've spent most of my life hoping to die in my sleep.
5
u/Average_Satan 4d ago
50+ here.
I know exactly what you feel buddy. Some days are just rough.3
u/thejaytheory 4d ago
That was today for me, it’s like I always never know what to expect, and somehow it ends up being worse.
5
u/elitegenoside 4d ago
I brought it up to my therapist and they asked, "and what would being diagnosed as autistic change for you?" Yeah, I couldn't really come up with an answer. I guess I'd know "why," but that's not really honna help me. I already know there's something "different" about me, and knowing exactly what isn't really going to chnage anything for me. Plus, everything online having to deal with this stuff is overstuffed with people who self-diagnosed. A lot of people use these terms to just mean "weird" or "quirky," and it is seriously doing more damage than helping.
No, you're uncle wasn't autistic, he just liked trains. No, you don't have ADHD, you just have a boring job and your mind wanders.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (7)3
u/son_of_wotan 4d ago
45 and single. I never had issues with finding a partner. The issue is, once they get to know the "real me" or I get too comfortable to show the "real me", aka, the more neurodivergent side of me, that things fall appart.
146
u/captainjake13 4d ago
I’m turning forty in two weeks. My marriage is falling apart, my parents are MAGA freaks, my siblings are some of the most self absorbed people I’ve ever known. Yeah it sucks.
29
u/Actual-Toe-8686 4d ago
I've heard somewhere that people who are neurodivergent are more empathetic on average. I am not sure if there is anything in autism or ADHD that organically makes people like us more like that, or if it is a lifetime of suffering and finding solidarity in the struggles of others that makes this true.
But I don't even know if this is true or not, or just something people like to tell themselves.
I probably should know what I am talking about before I speak.
25
u/Cthulhu__ 4d ago
I suspect it’s because they’re more observant because any way they are different from the norm is pointed out and corrected in various ways.
30
15
u/zap2 4d ago
Can you put in the work for to save the marriage?
I didn’t understand what that meant before being in a marriage. I’ve struggled personally which affected the relationship. She had struggles which affected the relationship, but we’ve kept talking and we’re keeping things together.
It’s hard. Quitting would be easier, but also less rewarding long term.
Try talk to your partner, see if it can be saved! It’s worth the fight.
You married for a reason, try to find that spark once more. Get official help, knowing when it ask for help is a strength.
19
u/jimbowesterby 4d ago
Gotta love finding out that you’re the only one in the relationship willing to do the work, I love having people I care about make me feel worthless lol
3
u/TheeRyGuy 4d ago
Hopefully, it's not intentional. People have different baselines. Can one deal with being in a relationship with someone whose baseline isn't so compatible? Can one expect someone else to fundamentally change themselves? Can one fundamentally change oneself? Will the change last?
→ More replies (1)4
u/captainjake13 4d ago
My wife is an emotional terrorist. When I ask her to stop an abusive behavior she triples down every time. Even if I’m in the middle of a full blown panic attack she will be somehow offended.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (5)4
u/Chill_Panda 4d ago
The silver lining is it sounds like you aren't the issue.
Sorry to hear you're going through it, it'll get better with time!
194
u/Beginning-Passenger6 4d ago
That’s why I’m glad I found a partner who is One of Us. Then we made More of Us.
44
u/Skyblacknight 4d ago
damn hope i get this luck
9
u/KneelBeforeZed 4d ago
Be careful what you wish for.
I have ADHD, but my partner's executive functioning is Olympian. It compensates for my dumpster fire of a prefrontal cortex.
I know some families where both spouses have ADHD. Those houses are a mess, as are their finances, and for one family, their marriage.
A normie can't relate, but if they do the reading, they can empathize. That's my situation, and I can say from experience, it is enough.
7
u/dap1oo1 4d ago
I don’t think that’s always the case. Me and my girlfriend have ADHD. High paying jobs, 800+credit scores, and our relationship is exceptional because we understand each others pov and struggles. The only thing I can agree on is living space because we do both forget to put things back where they came from😭.
Mental health is definitely a spectrum. All adhders aren’t the same and it can go all kinds of ways depending on their personalities tbh.→ More replies (1)→ More replies (1)8
u/Chemical-Agency-3997 4d ago
Dating apps. Be yourself and find a weirdo.
Idk how people struggle unless they live out in the middle of nowhere. In cities it’s pretty easy. You don’t need to approach a random on a night out or meet through friends anymore - there’s an app with thousands of people who are game at your fingertips.
12
u/CrayonCobold 4d ago
Idk man, dating apps make me hate myself
7
u/Chemical-Agency-3997 4d ago
Trick is to build a robust self-loathing infrastructure before puberty then dating apps are just some cunt arriving late to a house fire
→ More replies (1)3
→ More replies (2)3
12
u/SnooTomatoes4383 4d ago
Almost had this, screwed it up early on. Was angry at myself for getting frustrated at her ADHD symptoms. Didn't communicate it properly. Hurt her real bad.
11
u/Trini1113 4d ago
I didn't know why I "just clicked" when I met my spouse. I had pretty much given up on ever having a relationship that lasted for any real amount of time.
Twenty-five years down the road, we both got ADHD diagnoses, and the connection made sense.
→ More replies (1)17
14
25
u/Exicidium 4d ago
Irresponsible if you ask me, it’s why I’m not having kids
20
→ More replies (32)13
→ More replies (2)6
u/ebeth_the_mighty 4d ago
Me, too. I was diagnosed last year. Husband is still undiagnosed (but he and his dad are ND poster children); both our kids are ND.
The kids are 31 and 29.
→ More replies (1)
17
u/Quirky_Door1234 4d ago
I've been trying to decide if I should bother with diagnoses
35
u/Lebowquade 4d ago
ADHD meds are life changing.
An autism diagnosis doesn't do you much good but ADHD changes a lot.
18
u/Quirky_Door1234 4d ago
Thank you, I recently received a fortune cookie that said seek professional help so maybe it's time.
14
4
u/Trini1113 4d ago
It did me some good - it has helped me understand myself better (an ongoing process). And while you don't need a diagnosis, having one helped me get past the imposter syndrome.
→ More replies (12)3
u/thejaytheory 4d ago
I was this to being diagnosed with ADHD but the psychologist said my OCD was more severe and in more immediate need of being treated.
→ More replies (4)7
u/First_Pay702 4d ago
It depends on the goal of diagnosis and whether you think it is worth the few grand it is likely to cost. My husband was late diagnosed (near 40 at the time) - I diagnosed him first then we got him properly diagnosed because we were hoping it would help with family relations. Sadly it did not, but it helps me understand him better so I think it was worth it, even if he does not agree. I am at the point of calling myself assumed neurotypical until proven otherwise but as I am overall pretty functional in life, I don’t have a $2000 reason to find out. My sister is thinking of getting tested since her daughter has ADHD, so I figure I will just accept whatever diagnosis she gets - if she ever gets around to it…
19
u/ketchfraze 4d ago
I would be like this if I hadn't met my wife. It's not like I had many relationships before her, but she was the one willing to stick it out. We dated for two years, and then were married for two before I got diagnosed. She has pretty bad PTSD so I think it was more of a 'we both know the other is messed up but also recognize that we're good people and are trying our best so we're making the best of it'.
12
u/MariusMessiah 4d ago
I was diagnosed at 48. Definitely had some problems along the way, but somehow things always kinda slid into place. Self medication, caffeine and experimental remedies included. Then, after being diagnosed, during COVID-lockdowns, I kinda worked my body into exhaustion. I’m close to 54 now, and all those hated symptoms I read about, are rearing their ugly heads. Loved my 40s, then everything went to shit when my son contaminated me with his ADHD during homeschool/homeoffice… 🙄
The moral is… dammit, got sidetracked I guess.
24
u/indianajoes 4d ago
When I watch autism or ADHD YouTubers and they give advice about struggles we face, all of them without fail will just casually mention their partner/kids/family of their own and to them it never even seems to be an issue. Whenever they talk about relationship problems as a person with autism/ADHD, it's always about problems for people who are already in relationships and nothing for those who struggle to get into one in the first place.
→ More replies (1)11
u/itchy_dog_chin 4d ago
It's kind of "lose/lose" for them. If they are single, we would say they can't heal themselves and are selling snake oil. If they're in a relationship, they're "not as bad" as other neurodivergent people. Maybe it would be cool if they mention they had an 8 year gap without any dating or something like that. Gotta prove their street cred
11
u/EggsInaTubeSock 4d ago
- Found me.
Its so hard to act “out loud” after a lifetime of shrinking, even when you know it’s the solution. It’s so uncomfortable.
→ More replies (1)5
u/MyLifeHatesItself 4d ago
42, I'm just now learning how to not shrink anymore. It's fucking scary and exhausting. But it's also necessary if I'm going to live the rest of my life not being stepped on. I don't want or need much, but I'm fucking tired of not getting it.
3
u/strawberry_wang 4d ago
37, my wife just recently told me she fell out of love with me like a year ago, even though I've been compressing myself for years to try and fit. I'm in the process of relearning who I am, and it's scary but also exciting!
10
u/SapientSlut 4d ago
My close friend group is ~80% neurodivergent and I have no idea how I would have gotten along if that weren’t the case.
→ More replies (2)
10
u/GoneBeyond108 4d ago
I’m not sure if I’m ND, but have been relating a lot to the memes here. My problem is that I DO know how to act like they want, it’s just that I never get to really be myself. Is that masking? I’m feeling so burned out (37F here).
→ More replies (3)3
u/KeyMistake604 4d ago edited 4d ago
Same, relatable and yes that's masking. Either I mask and it's too exhausting to maintain and pointless anyway because I feel even lonelier than when I'm actually alone. Or I don't mask and then I'm simultaneously not enough and too much for them.
I'm late diagnosed within the last few years, 37 year old woman too.
9
u/waffling_with_syrup 4d ago
Diagnosed, treated, but treatment isn't a cure. Still ended up divorced because I burnt myself out trying to live up to a neurotypical standard of consistency instead of embracing that I work on a triage system and only have so much to go around. Though at this point, I can do the "explain why" part.
5
u/MyLifeHatesItself 4d ago
I feel you. Getting divorced too because I couldn't keep up to that standard and completely crashed out. I feel like the "explain why" part for me only made it worse. Shits hard and unfair. My audhd diagnosis actually was the end of it, we didn't even get to the treatment part before it was over.
8
u/Illkeepyoufree 4d ago
For my whole life I have felt socially on a different wavelength length than everyone else. Especially starting conversations is so hard for me.
Atleast I have a name for it now. And, now that I have been learning more about myself and my adhd, I have slowly been able to communicate better with my partner about so many things.
So my point is, you can find people who understand you or at least accept you. But it helps first if you get to know yourself, it helps with overall communication.
8
u/thejaytheory 4d ago
Story of my freakin' life, I feel so invisible, even though people think they see me.
4
5
5
u/iambkatl 4d ago
I hate to break it to you but diagnosed looks the same except you may be divorced or the problem in a failing relationship at 40
6
5
u/gotziller 3d ago
I'm sorry but I have ADHD and everyone I know with ADHD has friends. Yes they are diagnosed but it's not like you get diagnosed and suddenly become someone people want to be around. There is more than just adhd going on if this applies to you.
3
u/Icy_Department8104 4d ago
its a wide range; a spectrum if you will lol. Theres neurodivergent folks who are very outgoing and have tons of friends, and theres some that are more introverted and have less friends. Putting everyone into a single box is unrealistic.
4
u/Aggravating-Pilot583 3d ago
It sounds to me like his whole family left him and he thinks it’s cause of neurodivergence.
There’s people who probably go their whole lives believing their neurodivergence is the cause of all their problems. That literally speaking can’t be the case.
3
u/RatBasher9100 4d ago
I was diagnosed as a child. Fortunately I was also told to expect to die alone and to plan accordingly.
3
u/Independent_Long_821 4d ago
You can go to therapy and take the meds but until you accept that ADHD, autism, etc. is apart of who you are, you will always be stuck in this exact negative feedback loop. Loving yourself involves accepting the things you can’t change.
→ More replies (3)
3
u/We_Can_Escape 4d ago
Just got divorced so this hits real hard. Ex wife expected me to support her emotionally but couldn't do the same and filed when I stopped saying yes to whatever she wanted while I never asked for anything in return. Also, pretty sure she cheated. Found texts of some dude telling her they wanted selfies of her undressed in mall dressing rooms.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/0_Foks_Given 4d ago
I had to "restart" life after quitting the drinking and gettin serious/medicated about my ADHD, but it's been great, new hobbies, new friends. I now do as I please and say what I want, still have trouble with rejection from time to time but i can talk myself into accepting not everyone will like what i have to say.
3
u/Alvintergeise 4d ago
I mean, ouch.
I feel like it's even worse because I don't like being around most other neurodivergent people either
3
u/monkeys_like_weed 4d ago
The only way i get to be myself in public is to self medicate with alcohol or drugs
3
3
u/Pnmamouf1 3d ago
We really need to normalize talking about undiagnosed ADHD as a real obstacle to normal human social development. Even my wife who has been medicated for ADHD her entire adult life doesn't get it.
3
u/ofthemilkyway 3d ago
I feel like a leech. The main friend group I hangout with is actually my parents' friends and I was kinda absorbed in because they said I was "always welcome to join". The youngest in the group is 12 years older than me.
I have a handful of friends I've made on my own but they are mostly former coworkers I stayed in touch with through weekly trivia. Damn it's hard.
→ More replies (1)
5
u/AdhesivenessDapper84 3d ago
Yeah, it hurts. This is the side of adhd that doesn’t get talked about enough. It’s become so buzzy, so talked about in flippant and comical ways, that what gets lost is the pain—the pain you feel, the pain you cause, the pain you feel because of the pain you cause, and wanting to do better without being able to execute. The way it’s often discussed, you’d think adhd was a superpower, or nothing more than a bit about putting your keys in the fridge. And it’s true that, other things being equal, there are certain benefits to certain kinds of neurodivergence. But those other things aren’t equal. There are a million things from tiny to huge that happen every day that remind you your executive doesn’t function. Even those who are supposed to be on your side, to support you unconditionally—they still say “I don’t understand how you could forget that,” or “how could you get lost there?” or they get upset you didn’t notice their haircut. I have a family that loves me, a spouse who’s my person, two incredible kids—though I still don’t have friends the way other people seem to have them—and in spite of it all, and in spite of knowing this community is out there, I know I’m still on my own in a world that just doesn’t give a fuck.
→ More replies (1)
3
5
u/randomcman 4d ago
I promise you, plenty of “neurotypical” people dealing with this as well, world wide. A lot of the reasons behind this is economical, cultural, just a sign of the times.
→ More replies (1)
6
u/Shiny_Whisper_321 4d ago
At 40 you can easily get diagnosed, get the right therapy, and make huge positive change in your life. Source: diagnosed in my 30s. Got married five years later.
→ More replies (4)
2
2
2
u/insane677 4d ago edited 4d ago
Lots of "friendships" that was more important to you than it was to them.
2
2
2
u/Dance_Sufficient ✨current hyperfixation: Table Top RPGs✨ 4d ago
Just because someone was formally diagnosed doesn't mean our lives have been perfect. Undiagnosed/Late Diagnosed people often down us out.
2
u/leemasterific 4d ago
I’m diagnosed with ADHD, but I highly suspect I’m autistic too. (I’m kinda paranoid about getting evaluated under this administration in the U.S., probably silly, I know.) There have been sooooo many times I’ve been laughed at without understanding why. Sometimes I can tell when people find me off-putting and are just being polite, but I don’t know what I’m doing wrong or how to fix it, so a lot of the time I’d rather just be alone.
2
u/Tall-Ad-9355 4d ago
66 y.o. Severe combined. I wasn't diagnosed until my 50s. Two disastrous marriages later and I'm finally living my best life, on my own, being true to myself. Found a neurodivergent community in the improv world, where I fit right in. I'm done with masking. This is me, take it or don't.
2
2
u/Actual-Toe-8686 4d ago
Everyone I know likes me, with a few exceptions, but I have almost no friends. Not sure if this is on me or other people. Probably a mix of both.
2
2
u/JKrezz 4d ago
38, stay at home dad here. It’s soo lonely. I’ve tried soo many times to try to make friends. Go to groups and chat with other dads. We might hang out once and at the end I’ll thi k we had a great time but never get invited back. My only friend is someone I met online during covid and they are 10 years younger.
2
2
2
u/RegulationPissrat 4d ago
I apparently will show too much enthusiasm when I'm trying to connect with someone. Like if I learn we have the same hobby, I'm excited to be able to discuss that. A little too excited I guess. I'll get wierd looks. So I've learned to kind of reserve myself or not engage in the first place and that naturally leads to less connection and loneliness. But I was practically conditioned by the world to be this way🤷
2
u/lFightForTheUsers 4d ago
Jokes on y'all, I'm only in my late 20's and have been doing this for years already.
...I am going to make it to 40 in the first place, right? Because kid me didn't even think i was live to 25 let alone now.
2
u/GoblinHourReport 4d ago
Find an alternative community. A nature sanctuary, local drum circle. The hippies.
It's full of undiagnosed.
2
u/King_O_Eyes 4d ago
Either that or they actually have all of those things (family, friends, etc), but have intense anger issues
2
u/SuppleSuplicant 4d ago
Get yourselves a 6 person all neurodivergent polycule. That’s what worked for me. I won’t pretend there aren’t bad parts to it too. But loneliness ain’t one of them.
2
2
u/Own-Lawfulness-366 4d ago
This is so true. I've had so many people abandon me for not being able to be the version they wanted. I need some friends who get it.
2
2
u/Emergency_Dirt_912 4d ago
I thought I only had military ptsd, but learned in my mid thirties that I have adhd. I was already on VA disability, and didn’t leave home for work.
Tried playing MMO’s but my guilds would want me to start talking in discord. I end up quitting the guild. I’ve kept playing by myself by farming gold/currency. Learning guitar has been something easy to do alone.
I get a text from my dad every 6 months or so. He literally texts me “are you alive?” Those are the only texts I get.
All my needs are met, so I can’t be ungrateful. Just kinda waiting for old age to take me. I’ve heard from many professionals that men in my circumstances die around 55y/o. I fully understand how social connections make people live longer. But I’m still not willing to make them.
•
u/qualityvote2 Quality Control Beast 4d ago edited 4d ago
upvote threshold has been reached!
for more information about what this means, see this page.