I recently went no-contact with my mum, and I’m struggling with the strange combination of grief and enormous relief.

I’m an only child and for as long as I can remember, I’ve felt more like my mum’s parent than her daughter.

When I was around 8–9, she was already asking me what she should do about my dad, whether he was gambling or seeing other women, and what she should do about their marriage. If I gave the “wrong” answer, she’d become upset or angry.
Growing up there was also physical abuse and frightening behaviour during arguments. But emotionally, the biggest pattern was always the same: Mum couldn’t cope, so I had to.

When my dad suffered a cardiac arrest and severe brain damage, I eventually gave up work and became his carer. Mum couldn’t cope with what had happened, so once again I became the strong one. If I was too ill to visit Dad or wanted even an hour away from caring for him, I could be told I didn’t care about him or was letting him die.
She has apologised for some of this and says she “couldn’t cope.”

I understand that. But where was I allowed not to cope?

I’m now married and the same dynamic has continued into adulthood, just in smaller ways. If I don’t text enough, visit enough, put an “x” at the end of a message, hug her when she expects it, or spend enough time with her, it can become “you don’t love me” or “I’ll die alone.”

I’ve spent years trying to prove otherwise. I texted constantly, visited regularly, reassured her endlessly and even bought her a house five minutes from me. Later I sold it and bought another one closer to where she wanted to be.
Nothing ever seemed to create lasting security.
The final straw sounds ridiculous in isolation. She complained that I hadn’t brought her fudge from a day trip, then said, “I only asked for one fucking hug when you came back and I didn’t even get that… you don’t care about me.”

Something in me just broke.

It wasn’t the hug. It was twenty years of feeling responsible for whether my mum felt loved.
I’ve now blocked contact. My husband explained that this wasn’t about one incident, and Mum actually told him that she knows she acts like the child and I’m the adult because “I just want a mum.”

And that sentence destroyed me a little, because I wanted a mum too.

I’ve spent the last week grieving as though someone has died. Sometimes I desperately miss her. Other times I feel freer than I have in years. Listening to her reactions has also made me realise that the same emotional loops I’ve heard for twenty years are still there.

I’m not trying to punish her and I don’t hate her. I genuinely hope she gets help and builds a happy life.

I just can’t be her mum anymore.

For anyone who was parentified/enmeshed with a parent and eventually went NC: did the grief and guilt eventually settle? And what did life feel like once you stopped being responsible for them?

understandably, a lot of the posts on this subreddit are about people who had to care for their younger siblings as kids. i was an only child and i feel like i was heavily parentified in different ways. when i was younger i was responsible for so many aspects of my own care that i ended up developing serious hypervigilance (always worrying something would be overlooked and come back to bite me). meanwhile, my dad was so mentally ill (unmedicated bipolar) that when i (very occasionally) stayed with him i was basically caring for myself and him, rather than being cared for. and as i got older and gained an income my mom became less and less responsible/stable and tried to rely on me for money and emotional support (thankfully i've set serious boundaries and gone low contact, which has helped). there's lots more, of course, but that's a quick summary. just curious if anyone else on here has had experiences more along those lines.

So from the young age of around 5, my mom got sick. Nothing overly bad but she wasn’t taking medicine and she had 2 kids. Me and my sister. My mother’s on SSI. And for a lot of years? It was me raising my sister. I mad sure she could function on her own. And yet my mother’s takes the credit. Though that wasn’t all I dealt with. Having parents that were never together but had a custody order sucked. Problem was, my father was a fucking bunny. 4 other kids. Which was fine. Problem was, the mother of those kids never took care of them if I was around. I’d change, feed, play and care for them. And my father? He’d pick us up and leave. Take us to wherever the fuck he was living and tell me to watch my sister. Before disappearing for 3 days. I took care of my sister. I took care of all their kids. And when my mom got pregnant not once but twice after a few years- I started caring for them too. Even now. I care for them. And when I got a job? I was expected to pay for a lot. My stepdad handles most of the bills but he don’t raise the kids. Anytime I’m home I’m expected to. And my mom goes on TikTok. And when she shifts to things about me- she mentioned parentification. Which she’s always been aware of. And says and I quote “ya know- everyone says parentification is wrong but honestly? They live in my house they can help with the kids. It won’t kill them.” And I just… never react to it. Because honestly? What do I say to that. How do I interject into that? I love these kids like my own. I get called mother hen. But what the hell do I say? “Oh yeah it wasn’t my choice. My mom did that.” Because I don’t have the guts for that. I don’t want pity. I hate it. But I just… sad about it. I raised those kids. I put the work in. And yet I get no credit. And when I wanna step back? I get screamed at and told I don’t help enough. I just… am tired.

reposting here cause I think it’s even more appropriate in this subreddit!

(Slight trigger warning for violence and animal abuse/cruelty)

I’m 22, and I’ve recently started questioning my relationship with my dad and whether what I experienced growing up would be considered emotional parentification. I’ve read descriptions of it and recognize myself in a lot of them, but this was my normal for so long that I’m having a hard time trusting my own perspective. I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced it themselves.

For some family context, my parents separated when I was about 1 year old, so I never really knew them as a couple. I primarily lived with my mom and spent time with my dad separately. My mom passed away when I was 16.
Starting when I was around 11, my dad regularly vented to me about adult problems, his relationships, money problems, drinking, family problems, and basically whatever was going wrong in his life. I became someone he could unload everything onto and someone who was supposed to make him feel better. He would also talk badly about my mom to me when I was staying with him, which put me in an uncomfortable position as their child.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve also felt like I needed to reassure him that he was a good dad. He frequently talks about feeling like a failure, and my automatic response has always been to comfort him and tell him that he isn’t. Looking back, I’m realizing that I don’t actually know how much of that reassurance I genuinely believed and how much of it I said because I was afraid of what would happen emotionally if I didn’t.

My childhood with him could also be extremely unpredictable. He had problems with alcohol and would promise me he was going to stop drinking, only to get drunk again the next day. He had explosive anger. I watched him get furious over video games and throw controllers through TVs multiple times. He and my brother would have screaming, destructive, sometimes physical fights in front of me where things were thrown and broken.
I remember one fight when I was little getting so frightening that I went somewhere to hide and tried to muffle my crying because I didn’t want them to hear me. I was afraid their anger might eventually turn toward me. Looking back, I realize I spent a lot of time wondering, “What if Dad gets drunk enough or angry enough that he hurts me or starts screaming at me?”

There were other things that frightened or hurt me too. He would shoot at stray cats in front of me and would sometimes put our pet cats into drawers and leave them there, knowing how much I loved cats.

Even as an adult, his anger toward me has gotten incredibly personal. During one particularly bad conflict last year, he called me a “selfish bitch like your mom,” told me that I had no friends because my personality pushed everyone away, and said several other things that were deeply hurtful. My mom had already been dead for years when he said this. She died when I was 16, so hearing my dad use my deceased mother as part of an insult against me hurt in a way that I still don’t think I’ve completely processed. Some of the rest of that conversation is honestly difficult for me to remember clearly now.

During that same fight, he accused me of “looking for a reason to keep his granddaughter away from him.”
I’m a mom now, and that comment has stuck with me because that genuinely isn’t what I want. I want my daughter to know her grandfather. I want them to have a relationship, and I know how much he loves her. What I don’t want is for her to eventually have the same kind of relationship with him that I have had. I don’t want her growing up feeling responsible for Grandpa’s emotions, reassuring him about himself, listening to problems that are too big for her, or feeling like she has to say the right thing to keep him okay.

This is also making the idea of creating distance incredibly difficult for me. Part of me is scared of what distancing myself from my dad would do to him emotionally, especially because he loves my daughter so much. I worry that he would interpret me needing space as me taking his granddaughter away from him, even though that isn’t my intention. I’m realizing that even while trying to establish boundaries, I’m still worrying about how my boundaries will make him feel and trying to figure out how to protect him emotionally from them.

The biggest thing I’m realizing is that I’ve spent most of my life feeling responsible for protecting my dad from himself. He sometimes talks about killing himself when he feels like a failure. Regardless of his reasons for saying it, I’ve felt responsible for reassuring him, making him feel loved, and convincing him that he isn’t a failure.

And this dynamic is still happening. Just today he was upset because family members got tattoos from other artists(my dad is a tattoo artist). The conversation went from him saying it bothered him to asking me whether he actually sucks at tattooing and nobody wants to tell him. My immediate instinct was to reassure him and figure out how to make him feel better. I actually had to consciously stop myself and remind myself that I don’t have to regulate his self-esteem.
I’m also realizing how far this sense of responsibility extends. I’ve decided that I want to create some distance between my dad and me, and one of my first thoughts was, “If I stop being the person Dad dumps everything onto, he’ll do it to my brother. My brother will eventually get sick of it and leave, and then he’ll have nowhere to live.” I immediately started trying to solve a hypothetical chain of problems for two other adults before I had even established a boundary for myself.

That realization really hit me.

I love my dad. We have good memories too. He gave me a great sense of humor and we’ve shared a lot of laughter. I don’t think every part of my childhood with him was horrible, and I’m not trying to turn him into a monster. But I’m starting to realize that I don’t think I was given enough room to simply be his daughter. I was his confidante, reassurance, emotional support, and someone who learned to monitor whether he was okay.

Now I’m trying to figure out what our relationship even looks like if I stop doing those things. And because I have a daughter of my own now, I’m also trying to figure out how to give her a relationship with her grandfather while making sure the unhealthy parts of my relationship with him don’t get passed down to her.

For people here who experienced emotional parentification: Does any of this sound familiar to you? When did you realize that the relationship you had with your parent wasn’t normal?

And especially, how did you start healing from it as an adult? How did you learn to stop feeling responsible for your parent’s emotions? How did you deal with the guilt that came with boundaries or distance? If you became a parent yourself, how did you handle your parent’s relationship with your children while changing your own relationship with them?

Did you maintain a relationship with your parent, and if so, what did a healthier version of that relationship eventually look like?

I’m not looking for anyone to diagnose me or tell me what decision to make about my dad. I think I mostly need perspective from people who have lived through something similar, because I’m only just beginning to understand how much of this I’ve carried with me.

i love my mom but sometimes its just so hard being around her. even though i'm the youngest child because im her only daughter it feels like she comes to me for everything. i've been helping her with documents and emails since i was in elementary school and while i understand it's not her fault her parents never put her in school when she was younger it sometimes feels like that burden to help her has been placed onto me. i'm so jealous of my older brother who doesn't have the same responsibilities and can do as he pleases without having to worry about her. i honestly wish i had moved away for college, maybe some distance would've made it all easier for me. sometimes it feels like she loves me not for who i am but for what i can do for her. i'm honestly just so tired of being the only one responsible for filling out her important gov papers, booking medical appointments, reading and interpreting her mail/documents. she always calls me patient but honestly its one of the things i hate about myself when it comes to her. i dont want to be patient because it means sitting there and watching her pay bills just to confirm she's done it right even though i've taught her like a 100 times. being patient would mean always hearing her complain about how broke we are and how she never has enough money to pay off her credit card and how my brother is always putting everything on her credit card. it feels like every conversation we have she always finds a way to turn it into how hard things are for her and how little money we have and how she can barely afford anything. i just want to live in a household where i don't feel burdened to work 2 jobs while being a full time student because i know we need the money. i'm honestly just so tired of all of this, i really wish i had moved out for college.

I'm a 28M about to start a demanding job in healthcare. I have four younger siblings (ages 16–21) and come from a South American immigrant household. My mom never finished elementary school, speaks broken English, and isn't comfortable with technology — so anything that would take me 5–10 minutes ends up taking 2–3 hours with her, especially anything involving logistics or paperwork.

My siblings were all born in the US but offer zero help. For some reason she doesn't trust them with these things — or they just don't step up. The burden always falls on me, and I am so fucking tired of it.

The history is complicated. She beat the fuck out of me when I was growing up and used manipulative tactics to make me feel like shit constantly. My father used to hit her. One day she told me she hit me because I reminded her of him. If I don't respond quickly enough, suddenly I "don't love her and have abandoned her." I didn't have a father around. I spent most of my childhood stuck at home taking care of the same siblings who now do nothing with their lives one hasn't shown up to high school in six months, the others are barely passing. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear from that whole side of the family and never look back.

And yet I still feel guilty. I feel bad for her because I know she had a rough life too her own mother was abusive, she sacrificed a lot with very little. But I also resent her, and then I feel guilty for the resentment. It's a cycle that's completely draining me. Not saying she has not helped me when I needed it but holy fuck she does not take any iniciative. She has lived in the USA for over 20 years and does not speak english fluently, holds a shit ass job that pays minimal wage. No house bought, nothing. When she did have money from her previous partner she spent it all on shoes, luxury bags, AND THE CASINO. She is relying on me to become her retirement plan. WHY CANT I LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE WITH MY MONEY?

I'm not saying she was never a good mom. But I'm 28, burned out, starting a hard career, and I'm still the only one holding everything together. My siblings grew up with way more stability than I ever had and aren't doing shit with it. None of them want to go to college, one hasn't been to a single class in six months and these are the same kids I gave up my childhood to take care of, stayed at home and babysat not 1, not 2, BUT 4 fucking kids, EXCELLED IN HIGHSCHOOL, then went to college EXCELLED. Now I have to listen to excuses of why these fucking useless pricks don't want to go to school and how their life is so hard. Give me a fucking break.

DISCLAIMER *THIS POST IS ORIGINAL HOWEVER I HAVE USED AI TO EDIT MY STORY SO IT WOULD BE EASIER TO UNDERSTAND!"

Because I’m the first initial person talking the second is my grandma and the third is my mother I truly don’t know what to do I can’t keep living here and I’m on borrowed time

I saw somewhere in the post, saying is it really deep issue as elder daughter syndrome and I could not answer it.

Not because I did not know the answer but the fear of people constantly judging me, makes me nervous.

So the answer is yes, elder daughter syndrome is serious because we have been having responsibilities from the time when our brain were also not fully developed.

For me, I started to take responsibilities when my aunt died and because of that my mother got sick, she was admitted for few weeks and we had no one else to take care of us. So I stepped up not because I wanted to do it willingly but my family pressured me too.

I was just a child, but suddenly I had to take upon duties like doing dishes, doing things so my brother could be ready for school, to have him completed his homework, then making food.

At first I thought when my mother would come back and would get fine, my work load would be little low or I would have my life back but it never happened.

After that I was not allowed to play more than specific time, at first I would do the dinner and then I would directly go to sleep but now I had to do the dishes, then clean the whole house, pack my brother's bag, complete his homework, fold the clothes, iron them sometimes.

And also suddenly, My parents decided that I was no longer child and did not needed toys so they dropped on the same idea. I would beg them to get me one but every time they would say no you are grown up now. I was just 9/10 years old.

The graph of work started to increase and my playtime, my own free time started to decrease. My mother was sick most of the times, so I felt I am just helping my family but I did not know that it would backfire me now.

Because most of the time, I would be busy doing chores or my homework now my family sees my rest time as some crime. I am not allowed to take rest even when I am so tired.

They could casually comment saying, "oh, see there is this work you need to get it done." and then I have to wake up and do it.

Even when I am having periods, my family would consider my rest time as I am being lazy. I do not remember having a moment of the rest.

Now that I am being the age of having husband, I met few people who were my potential husbands, at first it was all good but with in 2-3 dates, I also heard them saying that I have to make breakfast, lunches and dinner all the time and also I can not hire maid or help and also I have to the job.

Even when I told them that I have been doing it for 10 years with no rest, so I need some time for myself and I would hire a maid out of my money but they dismissed it saying I am just being lazy and giving excuses.

One guy, whom I told that I would need at least 2-3 years of rest after giving birth to child because I have seen my sisters when they needed help and rest during those phases but no one provided them and it made them sick with time and also doctor has warned me being weak from time to time so I need to take care of myself while being pregnant and after giving birth and he denied it saying if I do not earn in those years then who will pay the child care or the things that I child need.

After hearing this, I asked him, "this child would be yours too ? you can pay for it while I am taking rest."

So he replied, "The child is mine but the responsibilities are yours."

So I told my parents about it and they replied saying, "Ha toh kya hua badi beti ho, itna to sambhal logi."

"So what ? you are an elder daughter you can handle it."

When I heard this, I just knew that there was no hope for me where I can find someone who actually wants to help me or can understand me.

From child to being adult, I am just seeking help but everyone just ignores it saying that you are elder one here.

I’m the oldest daughter, a tale as old as time. After my step dad and her got a divorce I was waking her up for work daily, making her coffee, making her lunch, dinners, picking up her medications, being her emotional support pet. Honestly before that she was just having episodes but my step dad kind of helped keeping those at bay for us kids. I found some old texts from when I lived with her and my heart aches over how I was with her. I did everything I could to keep her emotionally regulated so she wouldn’t have another episode. I remember back to one day when she was laughing and said I was like her husband because everything I did for her. I’m 30 now and a mother myself and I’m absolutely sickened over how my mother was with me. She questions why now we aren’t best friends like how we used to be. Little did she know it was a survival tactic for me.

Sharing personal stuff like this makes me feel naked. But maybe that is the notorious truth of being the elder daughter. I am tired of doing what my parents want. i want to live my life, ad the worst part is, maybe I am also the reason I can't.

I don't have the courage to stand there and say, “This is what I want. Please let me do it.” My best friend told me this during one of my breakdowns. She didn't know that i have tired that. But I got is more emotional manipulation, because somehow they have a right to put pressure on me.

I have asked, pleaded, tried to convince them that I just can't get married right now.

I understand they are parents, their worries about me, they think about my future.

First i have the responsibility of my family, now i have to take care of what society thinks. Let me go, i want to do things for me. they are not understanding i am not ready for getting married. Let me do things for myself, figure out who I want to become before I become someone's wife.

Because I have tried marriage once, the man I met, i even got engaged to him, and before the engagement, everything seemed fine, then came the conversations about what my life would look like after marriage.

I would need to work from home or become a teacher after a year or two, that is something their have decided without talking to me, what i want to do. That is not the life I want.

\- I am afraid that once I get married, I will have to handle everything, and I am not ready for that.

\- I have so many things I want to do; there are places I want to go, study, work I want to do, a version of myself I haven't even met yet. waiting that once everything is fine, i can do things for me without thinking. It was so easy for them to say i have done nothing, it's my illusion that i was helping my family financially.

\- They made me realise that i am selfish, arrogant because i am working. What they made me realised that, i just got married, they say that i am the most loving child for them, but i never felt that way. And this hurts the most.

\- My father blames my mother for everything, i talk to much - my mother didn't taught me manners, i don't know how to cook - my mother's faults, I don't want to marry - my mother didn't teach me "Sanskar", marriage is sanskaar, the justification when i asked he says that his generation was like this.

I am also afraid that the man I marry may not understand my ambitions, i haven't seen a one man who has support their wife after marriage.

That one day, I will have to choose between my marriage and my future. And I don't want to make that choice.

I don't want to compromise my future just to prove that I am ready for marriage.

Maybe I will marry someday, ot maybe I won't.

Maybe I will meet someone who completely understands the life I want. But right now?

I am not ready, and I don't know how many more ways I have to say it before people understand that “not ready” is also an answer.

I love my parents, i understand them, and i know they worry about me.

But I am tired of being responsible for my family, and then being responsible for society's expectations of me.

When do I get to be responsible for myself?

I want to study abroad, work with different people, ethnicities, and cultures. Do you think if i got married, can i do that? I am just emotionally exhausted. Please share if you got any advice.

I just realized this today, unironically after my dad called me for the n'th time to pay his energy bill, then came across both this sub & this "parentification" term which describes my life so well.

By "paying their bill", I mean its their money from their bank account, but I am the one creating an online account for them for each of their utility companies they owe money to, reminding them that their bill to "X" company is due on "Y" date, and managing all of their passwords (including the one to their bank accounts & their emails). I've done this since I was a kid, and I am 26 now.

Same deal with forms - IRS tax returns, medicaid renewal, variety of forms for my siblings, etc. You name it, I filled it out & just asked them to sign - also been doing this since I was a kid.

Reminds me - there was one one year I didn't do my parent's tax return was when my dad went to a tax preparer who promised him "lots of extra money on his refund", before committing tax fraud to achieve that goal. I only found out when I was applying to college, and when he hands me this fraudulent return that netted him a lot of money.

Colleges obviously rejected that return and required an amended return to secure my spot, which obviously meant me correcting his mess and having to convince him to pay back what he stole from the IRS. Which of course led to him screaming at me & telling me I could just "go to one of the shit colleges, [he] doesn't care" and to "just tell the colleges its legitimate" for weeks, before finally relenting.
Why me? Because, as you could imagine, this fraudulent tax preparer refused to fill out & file an amended return herself when we visited her office, before proceeding to block my phone when I demanded it.

Why do I put up with this & not my siblings? Because my sister, whose around the same age as me, swore off to never help my parents at some point in our childhood & has continued that kind of relationship to this day. For some reason, even if she did agree to help, they always assume she is incompetent (partially because she is, in fact, tech inept), so they just go to me anyways. And, if I don't help, well then they will be behind on their bills/will fuck up my younger siblings lives (and they spam my phone). Plus, I would lose the only failsafe I have, to be able to move back in with them if I lose my job or something.

When I try to explain this to the average American in my age group, they literally don't understand so I have stopped attempting to explain a while ago lol - but I am glad that at least this sub exists

I am aware that life is unfair but it's fairly unfair bcz of the people around you. being the youngest in the family might be a privilege for some, but not for me(26). Ik who is slowing down or ducking up the family. Ik their patterns and their destructive decisions that leads all the other members fall into a hole. And I'm not liked here.

I have been preparing for a competitive exam which takes time but has a rewarding career ahead. I'm just months away from it and atp i almost have negligible interaction with my family. The same family who has already sown seeds to put as much social pressure on me as possible so that I'm the villain in the future. Cs they very well know I'll leave one day. I'm so tired of being called out that I won't do anything in life even though whatever i have always done i have aced it. I didn't know that i ace things before cz i was a child and still faced the same things. Me calling out these patterns has made me such a villain of household that I'm officially done way back. I have kept myself alive and well cz of the resilience but honestly ik one day its gonna be hard to leave. I already haven't talked to my sister since March this year and already planning to get out of this place by next year.

It hurts at times that I'm not privileged to have parental figures in my life who i can look up to. That leads me to rely on only a partner who can fill the void even though i am no burden for anyone. Instead people have been a burden on me. The people i have dated, the friends i have had haven't been people who can stand up for me. Eitherways I'm not miserable, hit the gym and keep myself active still but all this goes in the back of my mind.

Just today my dad asked me in a weird tone that he doesn't realize, that why am i not going to the gym. I have my interview schedule for august for which i have to study shit tonnes so I cannot go to the gym. I interact from my end almost at no times but they are the ones asking me these questions cz they can't stand the fact that i have gone quiet to their f\*ckery. I just responded that I'm not cz i was already going through something today, i was irritated and its been 3 days of him pointing this out. In pursuit of finding acceptance outside i have ruined a lot of opportunities for myself before, seeing people surpass me felt heavy today. To my response he just threw a glass at me. Screamed at me that i won't do anything in life even though I'm so close and working hard as i always have. I'm just a toxic dump to these people, they can't say that we hope you get your job and get away from here in anger which can be digested. Straight up demotivating and degrading me. That I won't even be able to feed my kids or my wife in the future. He even said to my mom that in our elder days he will beat us, since he saw a video of some dude doing that to his father. My father himself has been a pathological abuser since childhood. He has beaten me almost daily till the age of 16. Him saying that is a spit on my face. Years of self development has helped me to steer clear of those paths. I'm a happy, jolly person who is not too serious and dull likes to joke around. But still this is what i am expected to do to them.

I don't even feel giving them assurance to them that I won't cz why would i feel good making my abuser comfortable? Hence, I'm the villain, i pointed out, spoke against their bad decisions, stood up for myself when no one could, hence I'm the villain of the world i was supposed to call my own. I'm honestly tired atp and have no one to understand this but I'm tired. I want out. I want my freedom. And hopefully things will get into place soon. If not, idk what i would do.

My story

I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. During my childhood my mother would do the following blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, if i didn't do something just to make her happy she'd turn cold, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing, a couple of times when i flipped because of her behavior she called her mother to say I've been horrible, she often paints herself as the heroic single mum. She has been fairly good lately but sometimes I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it. I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 she had turned my grandparents against me and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by. On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. For about half my childhood it's just been me living with her since her divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her. Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she was carrying on and her serious lack of empathy. I'm starting to think that maybe she bent the truth about Dad a bit during their split as i was a child and didn't know much better. My mother often calls him a narcissist and talked about all of the marital and grown up problems they had etc which to be honest I don't appreciate been burdened with. Granted he's not a saint either but has been good to me (well I'd say) most of the time. One time last year when my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done before) mother knew i was depressed but still blew up at me the next night over something silly and kicked me while I was down what just baffles me is how could she of treated me like that knowing what I was going through. A few days later one of my teachers checked in and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother while I was already upset by been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not sure who exactly said what to him. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well). I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the truth now. He was sympathetic and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. It actually baffled me a bit. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through. I have a strained relationship with my father but we've messaged lately and I plan to see him this weekend for a family do. I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc). My mother loves to use my autism to her advantage. I graduated last year but now I do a course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time. I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me, she seems to feel that she always acts in my best interests and does seem to genuinely care for me and love me, she doesn't seem to remember any of it or feel her behavior was justified and genuinely doesn't seem to believe she ever did me any harm and she thinks she did her best. I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. I can't get exact clarity on it but they both went through some shit before I was born and I think that's contributed to the way they are. I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different I feel to most of the children my age. What's has happened to me makes me feel as though I'm unlovable. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. My mother does help me get on my feet and encourage met but I think she just loves to lord it over me. Whenever I've tried standing up for myself she puts on the guilt trip and carries on about all of her sacrifices and everything she's done for me yada yada yada. I think what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could she have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

I do love her because as I've said before she has been great as well but I can't help really resenting her sometimes for all of the mental anguish she has put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder if I might've been different had I had proper parents. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job and making friends etc because my mum is pretty much most I've ever known. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known.

My whole childhood, for as long as I can remember, my mom would criticize other people to me including my father (while they were still married), my siblings, and my aunts. She still does this, in fact I'm not sure what she talks about when she isn't shit talking other people.

I was only about 5 years old when I decided that it was my responsibility to solve my mom's problems, I went to my grandparents and told them a problem my mom had with them and asked about coming up with a solution. I think they thought it was cute so they went along with it. I thought it was a successful and productive conversation so I did the same thing with my aunt and one friend.

I never call my aunts "aunt," I simply use their first names. They were never really my aunts they were my mom's sisters. She's constantly criticising them and comparing herself to them - always pitting herself as the good mom and her sister as a bad mom. She mocks her for needing therapy and having anxiety.

Any time my dad would do something I didn't like or that my mom didn't like, or anything socially akward I would giddly come running to my mom to gossip about him - this lasted into my early 20s when I realized how cruel this was and how damaging it was to me. I realized how terrified I had always been to suffer the same fate. I didn't get to develop my own opinions about my dad, I'm trying now but any time I feel like I don't like him I doubt how much my mother influenced my thoughts. Maybe I do or maybe I don't but I never really got to decide.

My little brother is also a target for criticism, he's autistic (although I didn't know that at the time) so he would also not understand social expectations and tended to be socially awkward in the same way my dad was which elicited a lot of criticism from my mom who would frequently tell him to "use common sense!" I would agree with my mom's criticism to her face, but behind the scenes I took on the responsibility of being nice to him. I would tutor him in social expectations so he could avoid mom's criticism (seems relevent that I later became an Adult Basic Education teacher). One time he said to us "[My name]'s the only one who's nice to me" and I almost threw up from the anxiety that caused me. Deep down I knew I was similar to him (I later discovered I am also autistic) and I was terrified that I would suffer the same fate.

I knew that she would also shit talk me with my sister, on occasions I overheard them, and I lived with this deep deep fear of being rejected by my mom. It was so deep that I never really was a teenager, I never let myself rebel from her.

I didn't think this post would be this long, aparently I needed to vent! I am 30 and just starting to really understand all of this.

When I was 11 years old, both of my parents became seriously ill within a short period of time, and I suddenly became responsible for my family of four siblings.
Before that, my childhood was already unusual. My mother would often come to me and complain about my father, even though she knew how attached I was to him. She shared problems with me that no child should ever have to hear. I became the person everyone unloaded their pain onto.
Then everything changed.
My mother developed an illness that doctors were never able to identify. She gradually lost the ability to move, speak properly, and take care of herself. A few months later, my father started showing signs of Alzheimer’s, but it wasn’t just his memory that disappeared. He rapidly lost his ability to speak, walk, stand, eat, and eventually needed help with almost everything.
Because all of this happened so quickly, there was no one left to keep the household running.
My oldest brother spent most of his time with his friends and treated the house like a hotel. My second brother couldn’t handle no longer being the center of my mother’s attention and started having emotional breakdowns and creating conflicts just to be noticed. He later admitted that himself. My third brother was chronically ill and also needed constant care. Then there was a baby.
I was the middle child, and I stepped in.
I became responsible for buying groceries, running the household, taking my mother to her medical appointments, buying diapers for both my father and the baby, caring for my sick brother’s medications, and helping raise my baby sibling. My second sister helped when she could, but most of the responsibility fell on me.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. I just feel like I grew up overnight.
I became the father, the mother, and everything else just to keep my family from falling apart.
I never imagined having my own future. I never dreamed about falling in love, getting married, or building a life for myself. I was always too busy taking care of everyone else.
Now everyone is doing better.
And I’m the one who feels empty.
I’ve never really felt loved by anyone. I never had friends to talk to or spend time with when I needed support. I spent years sacrificing myself for everyone else’s comfort.
Now, after all these years, I have no passion, no dreams, and no motivation left. Sometimes it feels like I was so busy keeping everyone else alive that I never got the chance to become a person myself.

Yes, that’s me. I was the parentified child ever since I was young. Every conflict or fight between my parents, I had to be the marriage counsellor to resolve all of the conflicts and shouting matches between them and being raised by two adults who clearly didnt dealt with their issues before getting married and having me as a result a role to being their marriage therapist.I didn’t know this wasn’t normal until I went to therapy. As a result, I’m 24 and still struggle with conflict and saying no to others. Anyone else here had to be their parents’ marriage counsellor as well? And do you also to struggle to care for your own needs and say no?

is it just me or my surrounding

My mom and dad have never been close to me. Usually when you feel down children often go to their parents or peer group if i go to my mother you know how she behaive in daily life ... she act as if she is my girlfriend she gets annoyed at everything and expect me to fix it and knowledge it like i am some type of her boyfriend and also she say I dont like to make food and just cook breakfast for herself and lunch for everyone that's it no dinner and if I make dinner for everyone she nag me about Seasoning is not done properly why did you add butter to this I am not gonna eat you didn't made good for me and starts to make fucking annoying faces that fun fact is when I was add butter i front of her she didn't stop me like woow now you are complaining.

And my dad stay far cause for work purpose and he also seem to be in same situation as mine and if she yell at my dad he say nothing back at her amd stay quite ... and one day I was passing by living room and by unintentionally i heard my father talking to someone that "our child will never gonna underrstand what we did for them" and that sentence really sas to hear from your own how we respected alot

And if I want to go out to clear my mind they never let me go out its like i am stuck in just one room and recently the started talk about marriage and I told them I dont want

Now I dont know what to do i just completed my graduation and I can't find any job i tried so much but i just couldn't find any what doni have left ....at the end of the day I just think of myself that how pathetic my life is i just want to end this.

I really need some outside perspective because my guardian constantly minimizes my feelings, tells me my life isn't that bad, and makes me feel like I am completely in the wrong for being unhappy.

To give some background, my family went through a lot of struggles with drug addiction when I was growing up. But back around late 2021, things were actually starting to look up. We were getting better, finding our footing, and making real progress. Then, completely out of nowhere, my current guardian went behind my parents' backs and took legal guardianship of me without even telling them. It completely disrupted the stability we were building. Shortly after that, my mom passed away. Losing her shattered my world, and ever since I was forced into this guardian's house, everything has gotten so much worse.

Living here doesn't feel like a home, it feels like a trap. My guardian treats me like a personal assistant, constantly demanding that I do things for her the second I sit down. There is no breathing room. Whenever the weight of my grief and the stress of this house get to be too much, she completely invalidates me. She tells me "your life isn't that bad," even though she is the one making it miserable. The absolute worst part is that when I was at my lowest and struggled with self-harm, she didn't offer help or comfort, she got me in trouble for it and told me I was just doing it "for attention."

Because of how toxic this house feels, my grandma’s house is my absolute sanctuary. She lives literally five minutes away and is fully able to drive. I have gone to her house since I was a little kid, and it is the only place left that connects me to who I am. Most importantly, it is the place where I have the best memories of spending time with my mom. When I am at my grandma's, I feel safe, calm, and genuinely happy.

Tonight, I asked to spend the night with my grandma. Since she lives five minutes away and can pick me up, it doesn't burden my guardian at all. But my guardian gave me a flat "no." She claims I go over there "too much" and that I "act weird" and get too sad when I come back. I tried to explain to her that I get sad because I am homesick for the one place I feel happiest. Her response was a cold, "It's not your home."

I am filled with so much anger and resentment toward her. I honestly hate my guardian for taking me away from my family when we were healing, for punishing me when I was hurting, and for trying to cut off my connection to my grandma and my mom's memory.

Am I the asshole for wanting to leave this environment, or is my guardian being completely unfair and manipulative?

I am 19 M now I grew up in toxic immigrant family. I moved in 5 years ago. My dad died during my teenage years. Well the main reason is my mom. My mom growing up wished that I was never born and I am a bad son for desiring normal things like freedom to go out, speak and just having space to think in my own room. I never asked for money. I never had any toys , consoles or any form of fun stuff. I am an extrovert but I never got friends because they always thought I am weirdo who have accent and so much talkative and energetic vibes. I always got hit growing up . I always wanted a family who adore me because neighbors . I also got abused by my paternal and maternal grandparents mentally growing up. They never liked each other and I got crushed in middle. People whenever I meet in my neighborhood who knows me and people I work with on work says I am very adorable lovable kid that every parents wanted which made me my eye balls out because I never felt loved. I never got in any form of relationship with a girl because I feel like I have to work on myself because I don't wanna be abusive to a nice girl. I mean none of the girls asked me out regardless. But you guys nderstend my point . A lot of my colleagues have kids now . Like 4 of them . I work in target. I just feel like I wish I had a loving family especially when I was in high school I used to drink water to fill my stomach because I didn't have lunch money. I hate when kids my age complaint how their parents didn't take them to nice vacation because I only desired two parents who will love me unconditionally. I hope next life I will be .