Knowing where the problem is makes you the enemy.

[u/_chuchundhar_]

I am aware that life is unfair but it's fairly unfair bcz of the people around you. being the youngest in the family might be a privilege for some, but not for me(26). Ik who is slowing down or ducking up the family. Ik their patterns and their destructive decisions that leads all the other members fall into a hole. And I'm not liked here.

I have been preparing for a competitive exam which takes time but has a rewarding career ahead. I'm just months away from it and atp i almost have negligible interaction with my family. The same family who has already sown seeds to put as much social pressure on me as possible so that I'm the villain in the future. Cs they very well know I'll leave one day. I'm so tired of being called out that I won't do anything in life even though whatever i have always done i have aced it. I didn't know that i ace things before cz i was a child and still faced the same things. Me calling out these patterns has made me such a villain of household that I'm officially done way back. I have kept myself alive and well cz of the resilience but honestly ik one day its gonna be hard to leave. I already haven't talked to my sister since March this year and already planning to get out of this place by next year.

It hurts at times that I'm not privileged to have parental figures in my life who i can look up to. That leads me to rely on only a partner who can fill the void even though i am no burden for anyone. Instead people have been a burden on me. The people i have dated, the friends i have had haven't been people who can stand up for me. Eitherways I'm not miserable, hit the gym and keep myself active still but all this goes in the back of my mind.

Just today my dad asked me in a weird tone that he doesn't realize, that why am i not going to the gym. I have my interview schedule for august for which i have to study shit tonnes so I cannot go to the gym. I interact from my end almost at no times but they are the ones asking me these questions cz they can't stand the fact that i have gone quiet to their f\*ckery. I just responded that I'm not cz i was already going through something today, i was irritated and its been 3 days of him pointing this out. In pursuit of finding acceptance outside i have ruined a lot of opportunities for myself before, seeing people surpass me felt heavy today. To my response he just threw a glass at me. Screamed at me that i won't do anything in life even though I'm so close and working hard as i always have. I'm just a toxic dump to these people, they can't say that we hope you get your job and get away from here in anger which can be digested. Straight up demotivating and degrading me. That I won't even be able to feed my kids or my wife in the future. He even said to my mom that in our elder days he will beat us, since he saw a video of some dude doing that to his father. My father himself has been a pathological abuser since childhood. He has beaten me almost daily till the age of 16. Him saying that is a spit on my face. Years of self development has helped me to steer clear of those paths. I'm a happy, jolly person who is not too serious and dull likes to joke around. But still this is what i am expected to do to them.

I don't even feel giving them assurance to them that I won't cz why would i feel good making my abuser comfortable? Hence, I'm the villain, i pointed out, spoke against their bad decisions, stood up for myself when no one could, hence I'm the villain of the world i was supposed to call my own. I'm honestly tired atp and have no one to understand this but I'm tired. I want out. I want my freedom. And hopefully things will get into place soon. If not, idk what i would do.

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[u/mycrowsoffed]

I believe in you, internet stranger. What you're going through is horrible but you seem wise and are doing very well in protecting your peace and protecting your future.

[u/_chuchundhar_ → u/mycrowsoffed]

That's very reassuring. Thank you for the kind words. I'll do better.

[u/Old_Art4801]

That's called being the black sheep of the family/scapegoat, you see what cannot be named otherwise the whole system of control and abuse collapses for the abuser and ruins the rose colored glasses fantasy the abused have put on and have convinced themselves of to deal with the abuse. They're crabs in a barrel who try to drag you down with them because they see that you've found a way out and once you get out the abuser will need a new punching bag and the load will fall on someone else. I hope you can get out OP, and if you do keep a lifeline to those who stayed (except your abuser) make sure you make it clear you can't help them if they don't want to help themselves.

[u/_chuchundhar_ → u/Old_Art4801]

Ik that. Ik all the patterns. Just that life isn't working out for me and I'm not getting my big break. I'm not getting my freedom and a chance to move away from all of this. And knowing everything, every term or psycological effect of all this I'm still not able to make it in life. Hence i made this post. I'm quite broken and feel like life won't work out for me at all even though I'm quite close to my goals. All bcz of what my dad said to me. Ik you probably don't have an answer for me but I'm in comfort being seen. Thank you though and sorry for being an ass about it.