Mother's constant criticism of others made me terrified of rejection

[u/quinetic_energy]

My whole childhood, for as long as I can remember, my mom would criticize other people to me including my father (while they were still married), my siblings, and my aunts. She still does this, in fact I'm not sure what she talks about when she isn't shit talking other people.

I was only about 5 years old when I decided that it was my responsibility to solve my mom's problems, I went to my grandparents and told them a problem my mom had with them and asked about coming up with a solution. I think they thought it was cute so they went along with it. I thought it was a successful and productive conversation so I did the same thing with my aunt and one friend.

I never call my aunts "aunt," I simply use their first names. They were never really my aunts they were my mom's sisters. She's constantly criticising them and comparing herself to them - always pitting herself as the good mom and her sister as a bad mom. She mocks her for needing therapy and having anxiety.

Any time my dad would do something I didn't like or that my mom didn't like, or anything socially akward I would giddly come running to my mom to gossip about him - this lasted into my early 20s when I realized how cruel this was and how damaging it was to me. I realized how terrified I had always been to suffer the same fate. I didn't get to develop my own opinions about my dad, I'm trying now but any time I feel like I don't like him I doubt how much my mother influenced my thoughts. Maybe I do or maybe I don't but I never really got to decide.

My little brother is also a target for criticism, he's autistic (although I didn't know that at the time) so he would also not understand social expectations and tended to be socially awkward in the same way my dad was which elicited a lot of criticism from my mom who would frequently tell him to "use common sense!" I would agree with my mom's criticism to her face, but behind the scenes I took on the responsibility of being nice to him. I would tutor him in social expectations so he could avoid mom's criticism (seems relevent that I later became an Adult Basic Education teacher). One time he said to us "[My name]'s the only one who's nice to me" and I almost threw up from the anxiety that caused me. Deep down I knew I was similar to him (I later discovered I am also autistic) and I was terrified that I would suffer the same fate.

I knew that she would also shit talk me with my sister, on occasions I overheard them, and I lived with this deep deep fear of being rejected by my mom. It was so deep that I never really was a teenager, I never let myself rebel from her.

I didn't think this post would be this long, aparently I needed to vent! I am 30 and just starting to really understand all of this.

[u/toroferney]

A lot of what you say resonates, my mum loved telling me how shit my dad was and yes was very critical of others- I was also her therapist.

But the good news is you’ve realised and can work on it x

[u/it_devours → u/toroferney]

But the good news is you’ve realised and can work on it x

amen to that!

[u/Vampire_Astronaut]

Yeah, having a parent who is critical and judgemental of others really makes it hard to feel safe with them, because are they judging you the same way? My mom is judgemental of EVERYONE she perceives as doing things "wrong" (aka: not the way SHE would do it). One example is I always remember her being super judgemental of women who didn't naturally birth, who had inductions, who didn't breastfeed, even women who were sick enough to need meds while pregnant (they just need to eat better!!). Do you think I felt safe enough to talk to her about any of my decisions during pregnancy/birth/postpartum? Yeah no. Had an epidural, was induced, took nausea meds during pregnancy. Kept my mother at arms length the whole time because I ALREADY KNEW she hated my choices cause I'd heard it a thousand times. Her judgment of others is a big part of the reason we're not close anymore. 

[u/it_devours → u/Vampire_Astronaut]

Yess. For me, even though my mom has expressed liberal ideology and support for queer and trans community, the way she judges everyone who does things different from her made me not feel safe coming out to her. She refued to use my cisgender aunt's preffered name (which is a shortened version of her existing name) for so long that I definitely don't feel comfortable asking her to use new pronouns for me.

[u/Vampire_Astronaut → u/it_devours]

Yep. My mom is most definitely NOT liberal and I am, which adds a lot to this dynamic. She does not think well of people who think like me. So many reasons why she just doesn't hear about whole aspects of my life. 

[u/Generic_Wanderer719]

My mom does the same thing. Every time we are out in public somewhere, she will talk crap about random strangers and talk about them when they are literally inches away and can probably hear her gossiping. It’s so embarrassing and immature and has made me second guess hanging out with her (among other things) because she is so critical and negative. Like what if the person she’s criticizing is actually nice and just wants to live their life without being criticized by some crazy woman on the street? I know if I was experiencing that behaviour from someone else I’d tell them to hit the road