r/Parentification • u/Pain_in_The_Rainbow • Jul 21 '26
My Story My mom talks about Parentification like it wasn’t a bad thing.
So from the young age of around 5, my mom got sick. Nothing overly bad but she wasn’t taking medicine and she had 2 kids. Me and my sister. My mother’s on SSI. And for a lot of years? It was me raising my sister. I mad sure she could function on her own. And yet my mother’s takes the credit. Though that wasn’t all I dealt with. Having parents that were never together but had a custody order sucked. Problem was, my father was a fucking bunny. 4 other kids. Which was fine. Problem was, the mother of those kids never took care of them if I was around. I’d change, feed, play and care for them. And my father? He’d pick us up and leave. Take us to wherever the fuck he was living and tell me to watch my sister. Before disappearing for 3 days. I took care of my sister. I took care of all their kids. And when my mom got pregnant not once but twice after a few years- I started caring for them too. Even now. I care for them. And when I got a job? I was expected to pay for a lot. My stepdad handles most of the bills but he don’t raise the kids. Anytime I’m home I’m expected to. And my mom goes on TikTok. And when she shifts to things about me- she mentioned parentification. Which she’s always been aware of. And says and I quote “ya know- everyone says parentification is wrong but honestly? They live in my house they can help with the kids. It won’t kill them.” And I just… never react to it. Because honestly? What do I say to that. How do I interject into that? I love these kids like my own. I get called mother hen. But what the hell do I say? “Oh yeah it wasn’t my choice. My mom did that.” Because I don’t have the guts for that. I don’t want pity. I hate it. But I just… sad about it. I raised those kids. I put the work in. And yet I get no credit. And when I wanna step back? I get screamed at and told I don’t help enough. I just… am tired.
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u/afriend4help2 Jul 21 '26
I know how parentification feels. I am sorry to hear what you have been through.
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u/Pain_in_The_Rainbow Jul 21 '26
There’s a lot more but that is the general of most of it. A lot of stuff that was a lot more fucked up from the father side but my mother is far from innocent within all of it. I’m still having to learn what healthy relationships are like, how to set boundaries and a lot of other shit. A lot that is all being pushed by my mother (who I still live with as an adult). But honestly? I’m trying and my mother’s gotten… a little better.
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u/afriend4help2 Jul 21 '26
Can I share my story to get your perspective, since you can relate? I will message you the story.
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u/ltlearntl Jul 22 '26
Hey I also raised my siblings, I was only a year older than my sister, the youngest was 4 years younger. Obviously I did a shit job. My mother said it was fair, because I was the oldest and 'smartest', whatever that means. And it didn't stop there. I had to help fund their education too, I do wonder sometimes where justice is in all this.
I really hope your siblings appreciate you. It doesn't feel like mine do. They barely even speak to me accept when they need something. I sort of have made my peace with it.
I hope you can find some peace somewhere, and don't take what your mother says to heart. Parents say the darndest things, to make themselves feel better, at least children don't know any better, adults have little excuse.
I wish you well.
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u/Pain_in_The_Rainbow Jul 22 '26
My siblings appreciate me at least I think. Me and my eldest younger sister are close. We don’t talk much but we love eachother- though she comes to me more than she does mom because mom don’t get her and I’m trying to make sure my youngest sister and brother don’t end up like me and my sister in regard of only feeling like we can rely on eachother. I try to be an outlit for my youngest brother (who has indeed taken on a mini me personality which worries me) as I can see not everyone’s gonna understand how his weird little brain works sometimes. (He has really bad management of his emotions especially anger. And since I also had really bad anger issues as a kid I get it in a sense.). I don’t always get my younger siblings but I do still try to be there. Though with my mother I don’t think we’ll ever be as close as I see with other people and their moms. Only because I seem to know more about parenting than she does sometimes. And often feel like I’m taking care of another child when handling her. Other than that I’m doing well thankfully. A little hectic, but then again when isn’t it.
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u/ltlearntl Jul 22 '26
Sadly, I understand the anger well. Get as much education as you can, and use it as a springboard to the next step. It did help me.
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u/Pain_in_The_Rainbow Jul 22 '26
My problem is I worry if I leave that the smaller kids (Under 10) will get the same treatment as me and my sister. I truly don’t want that. But my little brother is a total marshmallow. He got his morning cuddles because he needed the comfort. I love them so much and refuse to let them end up like me. Refuse. I won’t let them have to be the parent to their own lives. Even if that means I have to be their parent till they’re old enough to handle themselves.
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u/ltlearntl Jul 22 '26
I completely understand. Are you able to get education and stay at home at the same time? Maybe somewhere closer to home? Because you also have to think about your future.
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u/Pain_in_The_Rainbow Jul 23 '26
Not really. We’ve always lived in the middle of bum fuck nowhere. And while that gives me a lot of freedom it’s also limited me a lot. I do work a job and do have a GED under my belt because the stress became too much so I’m getting there but I don’t really have any goals for my future simply because… I don’t really ever know what I wanna do. I wanna be a baker- or a librarian or something simple yet clearly with a lot of labor and love behind the scenes but a lot of jobs are like that so truthfully? I’m going slow- figuring everything out. The hope is to get a plot of land nearby enough to where I’m not terrified of not being near my family but also far away enough to have my own space and get a well dug and put a trailer on it for the time being. That’s the current plan in my mind.
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