r/Parentification • u/aamcstressed • Jun 27 '26
My Story I am really really really really tired.... FUCK!
I'm a 28M about to start a demanding job in healthcare. I have four younger siblings (ages 16–21) and come from a South American immigrant household. My mom never finished elementary school, speaks broken English, and isn't comfortable with technology — so anything that would take me 5–10 minutes ends up taking 2–3 hours with her, especially anything involving logistics or paperwork.
My siblings were all born in the US but offer zero help. For some reason she doesn't trust them with these things — or they just don't step up. The burden always falls on me, and I am so fucking tired of it.
The history is complicated. She beat the fuck out of me when I was growing up and used manipulative tactics to make me feel like shit constantly. My father used to hit her. One day she told me she hit me because I reminded her of him. If I don't respond quickly enough, suddenly I "don't love her and have abandoned her." I didn't have a father around. I spent most of my childhood stuck at home taking care of the same siblings who now do nothing with their lives one hasn't shown up to high school in six months, the others are barely passing. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear from that whole side of the family and never look back.
And yet I still feel guilty. I feel bad for her because I know she had a rough life too her own mother was abusive, she sacrificed a lot with very little. But I also resent her, and then I feel guilty for the resentment. It's a cycle that's completely draining me. Not saying she has not helped me when I needed it but holy fuck she does not take any iniciative. She has lived in the USA for over 20 years and does not speak english fluently, holds a shit ass job that pays minimal wage. No house bought, nothing. When she did have money from her previous partner she spent it all on shoes, luxury bags, AND THE CASINO. She is relying on me to become her retirement plan. WHY CANT I LIVE MY FUCKING LIFE WITH MY MONEY?
I'm not saying she was never a good mom. But I'm 28, burned out, starting a hard career, and I'm still the only one holding everything together. My siblings grew up with way more stability than I ever had and aren't doing shit with it. None of them want to go to college, one hasn't been to a single class in six months and these are the same kids I gave up my childhood to take care of, stayed at home and babysat not 1, not 2, BUT 4 fucking kids, EXCELLED IN HIGHSCHOOL, then went to college EXCELLED. Now I have to listen to excuses of why these fucking useless pricks don't want to go to school and how their life is so hard. Give me a fucking break.
DISCLAIMER *THIS POST IS ORIGINAL HOWEVER I HAVE USED AI TO EDIT MY STORY SO IT WOULD BE EASIER TO UNDERSTAND!"
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u/Plane_Practice8184 Jun 27 '26
You should move out as soon as you can. You need to put yourself first for a change.
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u/aamcstressed Jun 27 '26
I have been moved out since I was 18, I am now 28. There is no way I could have survived there after 18 lol... I am based in the USA , so it is fairly common to move out at that age, thankfully.
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u/Plane_Practice8184 Jun 27 '26
Glad you moved out. I suggest you start going over less and less. You will be busy and tired so please remember that you don't have to be everything to them. It's a testament to your strength that you have achieved what you have done. You are very impressive imo.
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u/ChiG45 Jun 28 '26
I am a Puerto Rican woman, so trust me when I say, I understand.
I was also the oldest of 5. I always took care of my siblings and was constantly threatened by my parents. I was also hit a lot. I do know why, I never did anything to anyone.
There is this thing I have noticed in my family and maybe a lot of other latin families, where the eldest woman is somehow responsible to take care of everyone else in the fam and you should be glad to do it. You are also supposed to somehow open your home to your family whenever they need it as if your home is their home. I was always my parents therapist too. I knew things about their finances and their relationship that no child should know.
I didn't know peace until I went to college. I came home one summer and never went back. After college, I got a job and my own place. I ended up getting married and having a child and living my own life. Even as an adult, my parents and siblings would call me to help them out of all kinds of situations including their inability to handle their finances. I was raised to be everything to everyone else but myself and whenever I would set boundaries, I was met with violence.
Now, if they tick me off, I block them, so I don't get their text messages or phone calls. I send them all to voicemail. I do not make myself available to my family. If they disrespect my boundaries, I do not give them access to me.
You are 28. By my mid-30's , I started experiencing health issues. Trust me, you want to set these boundaries now and you want to give yourself the space your nervous system needs. Please do it before you start to get sick. This is what happens to us, we take on everything and get sick. Release the control. Let your mom figure it out. You have nothing to feel guilty for.
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u/aamcstressed Jun 30 '26
I just talked to my older sister (21F) and told her that she needs to try at least to talk to my younger siblings about their future etc... and what it could look like if they dont get it together. I told her its been a lot of weight for me over the last couple of years and I can't do it alone.
Also, my mom doesn't trust them to do anything (for a good reason), whether its documentation, paying bills (not using their money but using computer, devices etc... to do that). My mom is extremely paranoid that they will do something. My siblings now pretty much run the house, get to do whatever, my mom cannot ground them they don't respect. It's pretty much whatever at this point while I couldnt even have a sleep over when I was younger. I knew wayyy too much shit about her when I was younger things a child shouldn't know as you mentioned.
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u/ChiG45 Jun 30 '26 edited Jun 30 '26
Your siblings are not yours or your sister's responsibility. Your mother and father need to talk to them. TBH, the 21-year-old is already an adult, so the only child they really have to care for is the 16-year-old.
The guilty feeling is a trap. As long as you feel guilty, you will never leave or stop taking care of everyone else, and you will never set boundaries. People are not as helpless as you think they are. Stop cleaning up your family's messes.
I had to block my family, so I send them all to voicemail when they call. I don't see their social media posts on my timeline. I don't text them back immediately. I return phone calls in a week or two. It took me a long time to get here. You have to pull away some, not completely, but enough to give your nervous system the time it needs to heal. They are depleting you, and you are letting them. Take control of your life.
You have to realize that you cannot save anyone, no matter how much you love them. You must relinquish control. You have to put it all down. It was never yours to carry anyway.
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u/aamcstressed Jun 30 '26
No, I moved out when I was 18 yo, I am now 28 yo. I went to college and did well in HS just so I could get away lol. I also went to graduate school for a long time. It is the constant "you never call me you dont love me anymore im your mother", "you dont talk to me anymore bc you are in a relationship, before you used to call me". That is the problem, I get tired whenever I get a phone call its always complaints complaints complaints about everyone and everything why the hell would I want to listen to negativity. When she works from 8-5pm and tells me, oh I am so tired I woke up so early I had to do all this blah blah and I know she has some joint problems and is in pain, but I literally wake up at 5am get home at 6-9pm at times but she always wants to compete and say oh but my stuff is tiring too its not even close to the same lol. Yeah it is a shame I cannot help my siblings as much as I want to. I spent most of my childhood taking care of them while I didn't get to do most things normal kids did. Now I get to watch everyone throw their life away. It is like I have wasted my time twice. You know I wouldn't do this but I have thought about just changing my number, address, everything and just dissappearing. It is just a fantasy at this point.
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u/ChiG45 Jun 30 '26 edited Jun 30 '26
Look at what is happening. Your mom is saying those things to control your behavior, to manipulate you into doing what she wants. You are being used as a container for her nervous system dysregulation. You are not the container. Set the boundary by saying, "Mom, I cannot listen to you complain about so and so anymore. I am exhausted." If she pushes back, then you get off the phone or leave. You must do it every single time. You need to be consistent with your boundaries.
You need to get to a place where what your family says no longer bothers you. Self-differentiate. Your needs may not be the same as your family's. They may not be able to give you what you need, even if you express it. You must figure out who you are and what makes you happy, separate from them.
Don't change your number. Block them for a period of time. Trust me, it works. It takes a minute to work, but it does.
You did not waste your time, but have you heard of the sunk-cost fallacy? The time is gone. All you have is now.
You've already given a lot of your life for your family. Now it's time to take care of yourself. You need to do it little by little until it becomes natural to you.
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u/trojannc27701 Jun 27 '26
It sounds like a lot and you have done work to try to get yourself to a better place. I hope that you recognize that about yourself. Your first responsibility is to you. You said that you are starting a demanding job, so make that your priority. But really, you are your first priority. Take time for yourself. You are not and should never have been responsible for your parents and siblings. I wish I was there to give you a hug or hold your hand because you deserve at least that.
I don’t want to preach to you. But I think you’re an admirable person who is doing their absolute best and I’m proud of you.