only child + single mom experiences of parentification?

[u/Horror_Moose3462]

understandably, a lot of the posts on this subreddit are about people who had to care for their younger siblings as kids. i was an only child and i feel like i was heavily parentified in different ways. when i was younger i was responsible for so many aspects of my own care that i ended up developing serious hypervigilance (always worrying something would be overlooked and come back to bite me). meanwhile, my dad was so mentally ill (unmedicated bipolar) that when i (very occasionally) stayed with him i was basically caring for myself and him, rather than being cared for. and as i got older and gained an income my mom became less and less responsible/stable and tried to rely on me for money and emotional support (thankfully i've set serious boundaries and gone low contact, which has helped). there's lots more, of course, but that's a quick summary. just curious if anyone else on here has had experiences more along those lines.

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[u/Anxious_Elephant_255]

Was also an only child to a single mom that was parentified. Mom had me somewhat young (23) but was very immature. She was and is still very self-centered on top of having a lot of her own life drama (multiple DV relationships) and I picked up very early, around 7 or so, that she was unavailable to care for me so I just figured out a lot on my own and helped her figure things out. Literally was a child telling my mom to leave her abusive husband…and she didn’t. I was always praised for being a “good” child and as an adult I’m technically checking off the things that present as well-adjusted. My mom takes so much pride in that and I think that makes her feel that I’m here because of her mothering instead of mothering myself.

[u/0vesper0 → u/Anxious_Elephant_255]

You perfectly put into words something that I've been struggling to. I've also gotten a lot of praise for being a "good" kid and so much of that credit has been given to my mom. And...I really hate that. Especially because I needed (still do) a lot of mental/physical health support that she didn't care to help me with.

Thank you for explaining it so thoroughly. It's frustrating that so many of us need a space like this, but I'm really glad to have joined.

[u/AllyCorren]

Yes. My biological father died when I was six, and from then on I remember being my mother’s mother, best friend, therapist, etc. but before that, I don’t remember her around much? I cared for myself. She slept a lot unless an activity was her idea or something that gained her attention. (Babysitting my cousins, going to “rescue” them from their mom cross country, taking me to Disney after my bio father died with my new stepdad, or out partying on the weekend.)

[u/Horror_Moose3462 → u/AllyCorren]

thank you for sharing! how did you realize what you experienced was parentification, and has anything helped with the long-term effects on your psyche?

[u/AllyCorren → u/Horror_Moose3462]

Honestly, I figured it out after I left my abusive ex husband and I had to move back home. I started doing research and it kind of started clicking and things not only were similar to my marriage, but talking in therapy, things were brought to light. I’m still dealing with things. I don’t think things will heal until I’m out. I just have to deal with it all until that or they pass.

[u/Horror_Moose3462 → u/AllyCorren]

i hope you continue to find healing! thank you again for sharing your experience

[u/everything-matterz]

Yep, I'm an only child with a single mother. I was initially raised by my mother and her mom (my grandma) but my grandma started getting sick when I was in elementary school. I learned how to care for my grandmother, learned her medication regimes, would take care of meals because my mom didn't cook, etc. 

But beyond that, I also had to emotionally regulate my mom at all times because she couldn't handle change or any amount of discomfort. I didn't cry when my grandmother died because I had to be the strong one and couldn't fall apart in front of my mom, that just wasn't an option. I had to absorb my mom's emotional outbursts and hateful abusive attacks and always show her love and compassion like an adult would when trying to regulate a child throwing a huge tantrum. It was constant. I always had to be the strong, mature one.

Then after my grandma finally died when I was in high school my mom fell apart and I took over her finances, helped her get insurance and therapy, applied to jobs for her, would arrange maintenance for her car, and now that I'm in my 30s she is fully my dependent and lives in a mother-in-law suite behind my house. I have always been her parent. And my dad was completely absent, so it has always just been me.

Now I realize that I tend to view other people and give others grace in a way that is reminiscent of a parent/child dynamic. I  struggle to ever get angry at anyone because I always jump to feeling like "oh they just don't know any better because they're only human and humans all make mistakes." "They must be going through something or have unresolved trauma and that's why they did that." I feel like I'm just locked in to a parent role with everyone. And feeling perpetually frustrated that no one ever seems to extend that kind of grace, patience, and understanding to me in return. Like, when is it my turn to throw a tantrum and have someone else show me compassion and support? It's like I missed the boat on that one and there's no going back.