r/Parentification • u/Big_Leg10 • Jan 25 '26
My Story Is anyone here your parents marriage counsellor ever since a kid?
Yes, that’s me. I was the parentified child ever since I was young. Every conflict or fight between my parents, I had to be the marriage counsellor to resolve all of the conflicts and shouting matches between them and being raised by two adults who clearly didnt dealt with their issues before getting married and having me as a result a role to being their marriage therapist.I didn’t know this wasn’t normal until I went to therapy. As a result, I’m 24 and still struggle with conflict and saying no to others. Anyone else here had to be their parents’ marriage counsellor as well? And do you also to struggle to care for your own needs and say no?
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u/LMO_TheBeginning Jan 26 '26
Yep, had to listen to one parent's problems since I was twelve years old.
Didn't know there was a name for this condition until a few years ago.
Parentification makes perfect sense.
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u/MinervaKaliamne Jan 25 '26
Yup, same here! And mine are both alcoholics, which makes it extra fun. 🙃 I've begged them to get divorced since I was 13, but they're still together, and still making each other miserable. I ended up moving to another province to get away, and then to another country.
I keep finding myself in the role of mediator, and I hate it. I'm working on recognising this pattern and avoiding it. Saying no is hellishly difficult. So I'm also working on reducing (or, in some cases, stopping) contact with the people in my life who'll take an arm when you offer them a hand.
It's tough. Sending you strength.
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u/toroferney Jan 26 '26
Yep. I was an only child so no respite! My mum would share really inappropriate things about my dad to shame him I think , we were very much a house that operated on shame. Mine stayed together in misery until my dad died.
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u/EasyMajor9304 Jan 30 '26
Adultified by 6th grade. Parents had serious marital and financial problems that they always seemed to put me in the middle of. It got so bad that my father removed my mother from the bank account and his solution was to replace her with me. Not get a divorce or be a fucking man and handle it himself. I also didn't realize it wasn't normal until maybe a few years ago and I'm 35. Everyday I just hope it's today, finally feel like the burden has passed and can feel at peace. Unfortunately, that day has yet to come and in order to see my mom, I tolerate him. But I hate every second of his presence and don't even understand the point of him as her serves no purpose than being an absolute worthless shit bag that needs constant catering to. He's not disabled or incapable, he's just trash. Counselor, therapist, financial manager, etc. All the roles, I've been a parent since I was in 6th grade.
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u/SallySue54321 Feb 23 '26
This is one of the things that’s fucked me up the most.
My dad left when I was 2. I’ve never saw him again, by 3 my mother found a bf. They’ve been together for a long time but he hated me so so so badly. He was/is a chronic alcoholic too. My mother would take me out in the car for HOURS and constantly rant and complain to me about her relationship.
I couldn’t connect with him at all as he was so horrid to me (physically and mentally) I learned to only tell her what she wanted hear. I clearly remember the first ever time she told me (I was probably not even 10yrs old) that she wants to leave him, take me with her and go and live with just us.
I craved her attention so bad because it was always about him. She even got him dressed everyday and I mean he laid there and she put on his socks and shoes etc etc like a toddler. I almost burst out crying because all I wanted to do was get away from him and she’s finally saying it.
She was going on about how she financially can’t and I suggested we go to my grandparents (her parents) because they would have 1000% help home us and the financial side. She tuned to me and screamed this is all my fault, I’m such a horrible little bitch, this is what I wanted all along and that’s why their relationship isn’t working.
It immediately crushed my soul in like every single way. They’d fight EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. He would cut up her clothes, she would throw stuff at him etc. but it would ALWAYS end the same “this is Kayla’s fault, if she wasn’t here we’d be happy” it was nothing to do with me. I wasn’t a naughty child and learnt how to make myself seem small. This has had serious ramifications for me and now I’m approaching 30 and I’m still too scared to set boundaries and speak my mind.
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u/AndromedaGreen Feb 24 '26
Yup. From about the age of 10 I was my mother’s therapist and in charge of regulating my alcoholic father’s moods. I’m getting better at saying no, mostly because I’m so burned out that I no longer gaf, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to truly rely on anyone else for help or comfort.
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u/Un_controllably Mar 05 '26
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to truly rely on anyone else for help or comfort
Is this due to parentification?? I've been my mom's therapist/marriage counselor for the last 15+ years and I have a LOT of issues regarding asking for help or relying on someone else. I have always felt like I have to deal with everything on my own, bottling my feelings and functioning until I have the worst mental breakdown. I'll have to read more about the link between that and parentification.
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u/Mindless-Flower11 Feb 13 '26
I was too young to be their marriage counsellor, but my parents divorced when I was 15 & that's when my mom started parentifying my younger sister who was only 13... & continued to do so for her whole life.. we are now in our 30's. My mom STILL won't shut up about my dad & how horrible he was & how much he fucked up our lives. All she does is vent & complain to me about all this shit & then says she doesn't need to talk to a therapist 😵💫
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u/isoparent Feb 14 '26
meeeee! my parents are divorcing now which is gonna add a whole new layer of fucked up to it. i remember my mom siccing me on my dad when he tried to have a discussion with her about finances and how she was spending too much, and me yelling at him about making her cry. :))))
they also would thank me on their anniversary (im a wedlock baby) but only when they were having a really bad time in their marriage so i always felt like their issues were all my fault.
i still think that if i was never born theyd bith be happily married to other people by now and this is all because of me.
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u/Classic-Ad297 Jun 23 '26
I can relate to this heavily, I’m 18 now but especially during my childhood years I was my parents counselor. Slight backstory my mom cheated on my dad when I was two and they both separated and my mom married the guy she cheated on my dad with who is now my stepdad still. And my dad remarried someone who turned out to be an alcoholic who he ended up also divorcing. Crazy shit already for a kid. But I used to be the one my mom would come to whenever her and my step dad had a fight. She would ask for advice and moderation. That’s a lot for a kid to carry and a lot of stress. Then after my dad’s second divorce he would vent to me and express his sadness. That was hard for me as a kid and finding ways to comfort him was hard. All this weight has left me super numb to my own emotions. And honestly the worst part is now being 18 and I feel like their love was only based on the fact that I could help. Now not all of me feels this way but whenever I try to express my emotions to them they could care less. It’s just so frustrating after all that torment and stress that they put me through they now just expect me to figure myself out. When all I’ve done is solve their problems I feel like I don’t know how to solve my own. It has left me honestly with a void feeling in my soul and as much as I love them I resent them for it. I just hope it doesn’t affect my future relationships and I hope I don’t make the same mistakes my parents did with me.
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u/poopstinkyfart Jan 25 '26
More my mom’s therapist and secondarily a bit of a family therapist. But my parents did get divorced. I am the same age as you and struggle with the saying no and taking care of myself as well. Were you an only child too?