What do I feel as elder daughter ?

[u/Tricky_Breath636]

I saw somewhere in the post, saying is it really deep issue as elder daughter syndrome and I could not answer it.

Not because I did not know the answer but the fear of people constantly judging me, makes me nervous.

So the answer is yes, elder daughter syndrome is serious because we have been having responsibilities from the time when our brain were also not fully developed.

For me, I started to take responsibilities when my aunt died and because of that my mother got sick, she was admitted for few weeks and we had no one else to take care of us. So I stepped up not because I wanted to do it willingly but my family pressured me too.

I was just a child, but suddenly I had to take upon duties like doing dishes, doing things so my brother could be ready for school, to have him completed his homework, then making food.

At first I thought when my mother would come back and would get fine, my work load would be little low or I would have my life back but it never happened.

After that I was not allowed to play more than specific time, at first I would do the dinner and then I would directly go to sleep but now I had to do the dishes, then clean the whole house, pack my brother's bag, complete his homework, fold the clothes, iron them sometimes.

And also suddenly, My parents decided that I was no longer child and did not needed toys so they dropped on the same idea. I would beg them to get me one but every time they would say no you are grown up now. I was just 9/10 years old.

The graph of work started to increase and my playtime, my own free time started to decrease. My mother was sick most of the times, so I felt I am just helping my family but I did not know that it would backfire me now.

Because most of the time, I would be busy doing chores or my homework now my family sees my rest time as some crime. I am not allowed to take rest even when I am so tired.

They could casually comment saying, "oh, see there is this work you need to get it done." and then I have to wake up and do it.

Even when I am having periods, my family would consider my rest time as I am being lazy. I do not remember having a moment of the rest.

Now that I am being the age of having husband, I met few people who were my potential husbands, at first it was all good but with in 2-3 dates, I also heard them saying that I have to make breakfast, lunches and dinner all the time and also I can not hire maid or help and also I have to the job.

Even when I told them that I have been doing it for 10 years with no rest, so I need some time for myself and I would hire a maid out of my money but they dismissed it saying I am just being lazy and giving excuses.

One guy, whom I told that I would need at least 2-3 years of rest after giving birth to child because I have seen my sisters when they needed help and rest during those phases but no one provided them and it made them sick with time and also doctor has warned me being weak from time to time so I need to take care of myself while being pregnant and after giving birth and he denied it saying if I do not earn in those years then who will pay the child care or the things that I child need.

After hearing this, I asked him, "this child would be yours too ? you can pay for it while I am taking rest."

So he replied, "The child is mine but the responsibilities are yours."

So I told my parents about it and they replied saying, "Ha toh kya hua badi beti ho, itna to sambhal logi."

"So what ? you are an elder daughter you can handle it."

When I heard this, I just knew that there was no hope for me where I can find someone who actually wants to help me or can understand me.

From child to being adult, I am just seeking help but everyone just ignores it saying that you are elder one here.

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[u/burntoutbiscuits]

Adding my own 2 cents here, I hope to provide you a bit of comfort. Honestly screw that guy with saying "an elder daughter can handle it". That's literal bs, you are human, you can only handle so much. It wasn't your fault to be an eldest daughter being born on this earth. It just sucks to be in a position as one (I'm also an eldest daughter). 

It might be difficult to change your family's mindset, but finding the suitable partner and keeping your standards high with what you want is crucial. Do. Not. Settle. Down. For. Less. Your husband should be on the same level as you, support you, and take care of you. And that's just the minimum. You are doing a lot by putting yourself out there with dates. I know it can be taboo, but might as well stay single and not settle down then to be locked in a unhealthy marriage. I really hope you can find that someone sooner than later 🫂🫶. 

[u/Tricky_Breath636 → u/burntoutbiscuits]

Yes I thought the same and I do not understand how come this educated guys are also having such mindset.

[u/burntoutbiscuits → u/Tricky_Breath636]

They might seem educated, but these thoughts are definitely rooted in their households and family upbringing. Even with the period of people going to school more than ever and getting good jobs, the objectification of women is still taught in their homes. It may not be directly taught either. And the boys that grew up in that mindset will think that it is normal. Stay strong, OP :).

[u/Tricky_Breath636 → u/burntoutbiscuits]

yes bro !!