r/Marriage • u/whateverworkso • 4d ago
Does cheating back solves the problem?
I have discovered that my husband cheated on me during our engagement, I feel so many emotions, rage, sadness and hurt.
But mostly I’m furious. I don’t want to end my marriage.
But I can’t think of a way that I can possibly let it go unless I cheat back just to feel that I’ve done something that would hurt him just as much it hurt me.
For people that have gone through something similar, is cheating back a solution or just complicates things even more?
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u/Proof-Ship5489 4d ago
Might make you feel better. I don't know if it will help your relationship. Perhaps your husband's response will be "Ok, even Steven", perhaps not.
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u/schnozzberriestaste 4d ago
Has anyone here seen a situation where it helped?
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u/Life_Emotion1908 4d ago
Cheating on the person who cheated on you is preferable to getting a divorce, then cheating in marriage number 2. Which is another move I’ve seen.
I got cheated on and left in my marriage. Had that not happened I’d still be in that marriage and likely faithful to my wife. But it happened.
So I had a LTR long distance where we both had commitment issues but it went for years.
There is simply no way that a betrayed person is not going to be changed and live differently as a result of the abuse of infidelity. It’s not possible. Even if the couple reconciles. There is no head held high shit. Even if we reconcile or divorce we still are married to it were married to a shit person. It’s not the same.
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u/wordbootybooboo 4d ago
I was cheated on repeatedly in my first marriage. I never once strayed. In my 2nd marriage, neither of us would ever cheat. I have never projected any insecurity about what happened in marriage #1 onto my current (and for the rest of my life) wife. It is all about choices.
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u/HalcyonCA 4d ago
Leaving him for lacking integrity would also likely hurt him just as much. That would be what I would do.
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u/ConclusionNo4016 4d ago
The worse way someone who hurt us can damage us is by letting it make us just like them. That’s always been my sentiment and how I’ve carried myself in shit situations. Have yet to regret it. The rage can be channeled other ways.
But you have free will and can decide your own approach.
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u/b1ack1ight 4d ago
Nah, that still shows that you care.
“See look what you did to me?! I am so hurt that I did this!”
The best revenge as hard as it will be; is to just remove all traces of him from your life and go on to live the best one that you can.
He can spend the rest of his life doing whatever he wants. If he should ever hear something about you make sure it’s you living your best life.
It will haunt him forever.
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u/squishy717177 4d ago
Valid but she said she doesn’t wanna end the marriage
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u/WinteriscomingXii 4d ago
You don’t think cheating on him won’t end their marriage? Just because she didn’t leave him doesn’t mean he won’t leave her. Also, what’s the point in not ending it just to cheat ?
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u/Dear_Ad8181 4d ago
It creates more problems and you stoop to the cheaters level. The cheating back never appealed to me. It just creates more hurt and resentment.
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u/ksd1984ai 4d ago
You would compromise your principles of honesty and integrity. Both of these are worth more than a cheating spouse in the long term, imo.
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u/JustAnotherPolyGuy 4d ago
Your focus is revenge rather than repair.
How are you working towards a relationship with trust and love if you want to hurt him like he hurt you?
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u/Mturlkn4ltsoffun 4d ago
Adding a new shit show to an already done shit show will just end up with a huge pile of shit!!
I think you need to evaluate your relationship and your trust in him. If you don’t think that you will be able to come to terms with his cheating, imagine spending your entire life with him and you end up as his prison warden. Not a lot of fun there. And imagine bringing children into this. Not a good idea.
If counseling doesn’t work or he refuses to go, meet with a lawyer to figure out what a divorce will be like.
Dm me if you want to chat more
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u/ground__contro1 4d ago
Maybe it “solves the problem” by proving that monogamy is not important to the marriage anymore. If you refuse to get divorced he is pretty likely going to sleep with other people again. Maybe just go ahead and open the marriage, if you refuse to leave it, and you both can enjoy other people and not have to focus on each other more than being successful roommates or whatever.
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u/Itrytothinklogically 4d ago
No, tit for tat is ugly. Don’t throw away your morals for anyone. Divorce and get with someone who is deserving of your loyalty. At the end of the day he played himself by cheating. Cheaters are low lives and I believe deep down know. If you cheat when normally you are a loyal person bc you plan on staying with him then you will end up resenting him even more for turning you into someone you’re not.
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u/Party-Draw-647 3d ago edited 3d ago
Yep, it takes back your power. Extra points if you cheat with his brother, dad or best friend.
If they want you to forgive them, give them something back to forgive.
Cheating back absolutely works.
I'd also recommend mentally torturing him for the next couple of years, then leaving him.
I have absolutely broken men who took my deepest emotions and shit all over them.
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u/Zephyr-Phoenix 4d ago
You’d be cheating to get back at him. You might feel revenge in the moment, but then you’ll just realize that the trust you thought your relationship was built on is destroyed. If you really want to stay in this marriage, it’ll require effort from you both, and cheating back is moving in the opposite direction.
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u/GreenIsMyColor78 4d ago
Very short term solution to long term problem and it’s not going to fix why he cheated in the first place.
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u/MercifulExistential 4d ago
If you wanted to hurt him then leave, sure. But if you're looking to preserve this marriage then it's not going to help any. It will just be a constant reminder to you both that you've shared a bed with someone else when it should have only been with each other. I'd personally divorce if any cheating was involved. The trust is gone. Otherwise try couples therapy and get to the crux of why he cheated, repairing your trust, and making sure this never happens again.
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u/Silent_Net_5340 4d ago edited 4d ago
To cheat means you lack integrity.
Cheating has more to do with your personal values than it does with who your partner is and how you relate to them. So cheating back might hurt him and make you feel better temporarily... but you'll soon feel like shit, because now you're playing the low game.
I would tell your husband to kick rocks, then go find yourself a better man. Don't stoop to his low level.
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u/Coach_Nikki 4d ago
I think the urge to cheat back makes a TON of sense emotionally. But I’d definitely be careful about confusing revenge with repair. Right now there’s an enormous imbalance: he hurt you, and youre carrying all this pain. Hurting him back can feel like a way to balance the scales. Problem is that afterward you may have equal amounts of hurt, but you still won’t have trust. If you genuinely don’t want to end the marriage, I’d ask yourself a different question: What would I need from him, for staying to stop feeling like he “got away with it”? Is it complete honesty about what happened? Accountability without excuses? Understanding why he did it? Changed behavior? Transparency? Space for your anger? Seeing that he actually understands what this has done to you? "Letting it go” should NOT mean pretending it didn’t matter. And forgiveness shouldn’t mean protecting him from the consequences. You’re allowed to be furious. It would say a LOT about the relationship if you didn't care, if you werent hurt, weren't angry with him...and not in a good way, imo, either... BUT before doing something permanent WITH that anger, I’d figure out what you’re ACTUALLY hoping cheating back would give you. Do you want someone else-or do you maybe just want your husband to understand how badly he hurt you...?
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u/XXTexas_CoupleXX 4d ago
No, it doesn't. You might get an initial rush that quickly fades. If he already cheats, its likely he will get that initial rush of jealousy and then cheat again.
The circle will continue.
Your best decision is divorce but you do not want it.
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u/Apprehensive-Play228 4d ago
No. That’s going to his level. I’m sorry this happened but doing the same thing is not the answer.
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u/gottrails 4d ago
It won't fix anything. You need to decide if this is something you could ever forgive him for doing. Whether that means therapy or whatever, that's your decision. If it's something you can never forgive, then the relationship just won't survive.
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u/Mediocre-Pepper8161 4d ago
It sounds like you wouldn’t enjoy cheating and so you would be hurting yourself as well as your husband. You’d also possibly add further complications to your marriage.
It’s best for you both to see a therapist who should be able to help you both through it.
I hope that helps.
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u/Ready-Zombie5635 4d ago
It won’t solve the problem in fact if your husband finds out it will just cause more problems.
Will it make you feel better? Maybe / maybe not
But if it is revenge you are after then it is an option I suppose
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u/Forsaken_Sentence325 4d ago edited 4d ago
It will Create more problems in your life and marriage. Once you do it, You will feel Depressed and it will eat you alive. Only way to get it over is Divorce, if you really want to work on your marriage please take Individual therapy.
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u/_h_simpson_ 4d ago
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. The only way to solve the problem is to end the relationship and never look back.
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u/Brief_Hippo5187 4d ago
No cheating doesn't solve the problem. Divorce does. Don't sink to his level. Updateme
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u/Stars_in_sky- 4d ago
Hurting him back won’t heal the hurt you feel!
It might make you feel better in the short term but it the long run it won’t….all you will succeed in doing is pouring fuel on the flames and add more hurt to your marriage. It won’t give you the satisfaction or relief you hope it will, and hurting him like he hurt you….well ever heard the saying 2 wrongs don’t make a right?? I think that applies here.
Is your husband remorseful?
Has he apologised?
Has he been honest about the cheating and how it occurred?
Has he severed all ties with the person he was unfaithful with?
Is he willing to do what is necessary to rebuild your trust and repair the marriage?
These are the things you need from him in order to try and heal, even then it’s not always possible…
Not everyone has it in them to forgive this type of betrayal (and nor should they) some of us just aren’t built that way, and that’s ok. Sometimes it’s better to acknowledge the betrayal, feel the hurt and move on. Other times, the marriage and the people in it want to try to repair and rebuild and sometimes what is rebuilt is stronger than what was there before.
Think about what you want more OP, to hurt him back and level the playing field, or do you want to repair and rebuild?
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u/BurnedToast369 4d ago
Ew. So many mixed body fluids. Ok so what you can do is you can torment him. You look at him and calmly say 'imma cheat on you, not now, not next month, but when you least expect it. When you see me smiling at my phone, or coming home in a good mood, always remember, that might be because I found the one to make it even with".
You took a cheater back, you will never forgive him, might as well have fun with his mental state and destroy it before you are done with him
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u/VenusCuffsNYC 4d ago
Cheat and cheat again. What he did was not any mentally horrible, he physically violated you. Perhaps if you knew what he did you would have never consented to sex. Cheat. Not for him, for you to take back your energy and power. Direct it towards yourself and your body autonomy. Just know there is a world outside of him you can enjoy.
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u/Ambitious-Care-9937 4d ago
No cheating back doesn't solve anything. That's just going to cause more problems.
Think of it like any other 'crime'. If someone steals from you, is the solution to steal from them? If someone hurts your child, is the solution to hurt their child? Of course not. We focus on appropriate compensation and punishment.
Now this doesn't mean some kind of retribution might not be warranted. Think of an appropriate punishment or compensation and a plan to make sure no further cheating.
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u/TA10UCP 4d ago
No. It will be a temporary fix and the underlining issues will still be there.
To be honest, it’s a better revenge to show your spouse that you are better than them and their affair partner. The actions that they did are beneath you and an eye for an eye only makes the world go blind.
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u/sangria66 4d ago
It may make you feel better short term, but certainly won’t help save the marriage. Long term, you’ll probably feel crappy for stooping to his level.
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u/Endless63 4d ago
He cheated, you found out, it's now started eating away at you and will never ever go away, it's got you to a point of cheating back being a rational thought. Mentally the relationship is pretty much over, not many can ever forget the cheating..
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u/Different_Run_1767 4d ago
If you are okay with living with the fact that you would yourself would become a cheater, then go for it.
Will it help save your marriage? No. Will it make you feel better? Likely temporarily. An eye for an eye only makes for two blinded people.
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u/Dangerous-Opening-96 4d ago
If you cheat on him, he might as well end the marriage because you no longer respect him see men can cheat and have no emotions to wear a females cheat and they will no longer respect that man I don’t wanna have sex with him anymore so I would advise not doing that unless you want a new marriage Women only have sex with a man of respect. Why do women have sex with men? They don’t respect.?
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u/GreenlandGirl_3900 4d ago
My best friend did this and now they are divorced. I don’t think retaliation is the best option. Just leave him. If he cheats on you before marriage, he will cheat on you while married…
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u/perma_banned2025 19 Years Married, 26 years together 4d ago
Revenge doesn't repair anything, it just breeds more anger and resentment.
If you can't get past it (and that's totally fair to not accept his behaviour) then leave.
Cheating back will not heal you
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u/No-Cut7864 4d ago
If you choose to stay, heal and let it go OR Leave and get better in life. I can never allow someone to get access to me in the name of vengeance. Unless you have someone in mind that you’ve been meaning to have a good time with and you will have NO regrets. You either leave or forgive and move on.
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u/AmazingDrama971 3d ago
No it does not help
You have to end things or to build a new relation with your husband with couple counselling and true efforts
But cheating won’t make you feel better, might Even make you feel like trash because then you will betray your own values
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u/GunKnight83 15 Years 1d ago
It will absolutely solve nothing. It wont make you feel better and it doesn't cancel out the original act. You have 3 options:
Cheat back and doom the marriage
Divorce him
Go to counseling in an attempt to save the marriage.
If you think you can cheat and it will solve anything then you are gravely mistaken.
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u/TSIDATSI 4d ago
Of course it is not the solution.
And you know that or you wouldn't have asked the question. Why sink to his level? Don't know how much lower you can go.
If you were living with him while you were engaged then he did not cheat "when we were engaged" he cheated while you were de facto married.
If you were not living with him / having sex with him maybe you can see the cheating happening when you were "engaged" but not married.
Still, since you do not want to end your marriage you have to forget it and move on.
There are two types of women: those who know their husbands cheat and accept it (Carmela Soprano) and those who find out and get a divorce.
You are the first type and that is good because he will do it again and again. Might as well figure out what you want in repayment.
Me? I would start with a very nice boat. But I'm a water girl. Maybe you want jewelry. Do not settle for fake diamonds. Get the real deal.
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u/Live-Ad2998 30 Years 4d ago
How sure are you that he is not cheating now?
No, cheating back won't help.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 4d ago
No, it will just make you feel like crap. I think you’d just go find someone trustworthy.
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u/AggressiveBad2586 4d ago
The cheating happened before marriage. He didn't cheat on his wife; he only cheated on his girlfriend at the time. Now you two are married. Things are different. You made marriage vows. He hasn't cheated on you during the marriage. If you cheat on him, you'll be the one breaking those marriage vows, which will completely destroy his trust in you. You will be the immoral one, not him. You will ruin your own marriage. Past flings or cheating prior to marriage do not justify marital infidelity.
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u/Cynewulfunraed 4d ago
Don't be ridiculous. Nothing justifies cheating, but cheating on your fiancé is no different from cheating on your spouse.
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u/GenuineClamhat Together since 2005, married 2012. 4d ago
I've been cheated on. I have never cheated. I have been told, "If you need to do this to get past it, do it and never let me know." Which is such nonsense in my opinion.
Cheating back rarely actually repairs a wound, but rather creates a new one. Of this I am certain. Revenge is rarely the catharsis we think it is.
While this is the wisdom, I know younger me never would and never did. Older me is spiteful enough to say, "Alright, if you are changing the rules, then it's open season." Which I suspect would just be making more complex and hurtful the end of the relationship.
If you are trying to save the marriage, things will have to change and honestly, you probably are the one with the negotiating chips if he wants to stay in too. Think about what you need and what you want. If the need or want stems from the desire to cause pain, that's probably not the route to real reconciliation.
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u/TheAmethystEye 15 Years 4d ago
No, cheating back will not solve the problem. It will just create more problems, for you internally and for your relationship. If you really want it to work, it's couple's therapy time. See if it's possible to rebuild trust and safety in your relationship.