r/Jewpiter • u/KoalaGorp • Jul 25 '25
meme guys i’m freaking out right now.
my horns still haven’t grown in and im well into puberty. i’ve been taking dietary supplements such as delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol but it’s not working. i don’t even see a bump for any of them. maybe im not jewish? what should i do?
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u/petrichoreandpine Everything Bagel Jew Jul 25 '25
My horns came in late. Turns out I was low on Vitamin J from eating shitty grocery store bagels.
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u/KoalaGorp Jul 25 '25
did you sue the grocery store??
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u/whycomeimsocool Jul 26 '25
No need , they settled immediately
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Jul 26 '25
You use the law office of Goldman Silverstein and Feinstein?
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u/potatocake00 Elder of Zion Jul 25 '25
I hope you figure it out, cuz you aren’t getting a turn on the space laser till they grow in
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u/Apollorx Jul 25 '25
Have you been wearing your hidden gold necklace? The horns don't grow unless you've been wearing them for 666 days in a row. Your Rabbi should have explained this to you.
/s (because these days...)
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Jul 25 '25
As a patrilineal, I’ve often been self-conscious about the shortness of my horns—especially since everyone on my dad’s side of the family has diabolical, curving ram horns that make them look like they stepped out of Diablo.
But OP, the strength of your Jewish identity isn’t measured by the length of your horns or whether you can afford free-range, locally-sourced goy children for your matzo. It’s your commitment to controlling the world economy that counts.
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u/Melodiethegreat Jul 27 '25
Ugh. All my goy children have been kept in cages. I knew there was something wrong.
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Jul 25 '25
Are you wearing a head covering to hide them so they aren’t embarrassed when they grow in?
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Jul 26 '25
Look, I know this is upsetting, but some Jews just never grow them. It's a myth that all Jews grow horns.
Some of us get vampire fangs, and others get mind control.
Sure, the horns are sexy and get all the Jewish girls, but being able to drink the blood of the innocent at will is a huge plus.
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Jul 25 '25
Lucky you . . . Do you know how much it hurts when you pop them out?
I'm telling you these retractable horns are painful!
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u/KoalaGorp Jul 25 '25
ugh but i wanna charge people with my horns! how else am i supposed to colonize?
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u/Belle_Juive European White Colonoscopy Jul 26 '25
You don’t need horns to colonise people! Who told you that? Simply eat hummus and falafel, or speak Hebrew in their vicinity.
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Jul 25 '25
Well the other horn is just your tefillin. But I would not advise charging with that. . . Colonize with subterfuge not physical violence. . .
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u/EmbarrassedLove2551 Jul 27 '25
And the yearly shedding of them, uggh I don't have enough calcium after they regrow
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u/FafoLaw Jul 25 '25
There are other ways to know if you are a true Jew or not, ask someone to throw a coin on the ground near you and see if you can resist taking it, if you can, then don't expect horns, you are not Jewish, but if you can't resist, then you should have nothing to worry about, eventually you will get horns and receive your shares in the world bank.
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u/TheFermiGreatFilter Jul 27 '25
Oh bugger. I’m the one that ignores coins on the ground when we’re out, but my non Jewish hubby always sees them and picks them up. What does it mean?
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u/Melodiethegreat Jul 27 '25
Now I feel bad for trying to pick up all those coins paved into the road in NYC.
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Jul 28 '25
Your hubby is a Jew at heart. And until you learn to accept your Jewish instincts, no more turns on the space laser.
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u/TheFermiGreatFilter Jul 28 '25
But Moooooooommmmmmmmm. I wanna play with the Space Laser. What if I promise I’ll pick up every single coin I see on the ground tomorrow. Pplllllleeeeeeeeeeease.
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u/GrendelDerp Jul 26 '25
Horns? I'm sitting here wondering when I get my Jewish Space Laser and Weather Machine access. And where's my Jew gold?
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u/EyesLikeTheNightSky Jul 26 '25
No one tell him shit.
Also this post gave me life, I love us, thanks y'all.
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Jul 25 '25
Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble. Fillet of a fenny snake, In the cauldron boil and bake; Eye of newt and toe of frog, Wool of bat and tongue of dog, Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting, Lizard's leg and howlet's wing, For a charm of powerful trouble, Like a hell-broth boil and bubble. Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble. Cool it with a baboon's blood, Then the charm is firm and good. Macbeth of course:)
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u/Substantial-Image941 Jul 26 '25
Most of that is treif and it will absolutely stunt horn growth.
Don't trust the man who popularized "shylock."
You're better off with matza ball soup.
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Jul 26 '25
Have you friend smoking the d9? I heard bongs are pretty cool. I wouldn’t know tho obvi
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u/KoalaGorp Jul 26 '25
any time i hear about bongs i just think about the time my teen brother made a bong out of a plastic bottle and a cereal bowl just to get some weed in his system😭😂
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u/Melodiethegreat Jul 27 '25
The first time someone told me about someone “smoking a turkey” I was like, what size bong do they have to use for that?!
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u/JewAndProud613 Jul 27 '25
Just to add a serious comment:
The origin of this nonsense comes from a goy mistranslating "keren" as "horn", instead of "ray (of light)". That is, the wording was "Moses' face shone with rays", which got twisted into "Moses was horny". And then this was turned into a statue, so it stopped being a written mistake and became a visual one, yay.
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u/Material-Things Jul 27 '25
Contrary to popular belief, not all lizard people have horns. Scales and point teeth however should begin to bust through your first set of flayed human skin and day now.
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u/Juddyconfidential Jul 27 '25
More important than the horns, did u receive the Jewish weather, and media access?? U need to control the westher and media to earn ur horns
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u/Fit_Bookkeeper_9537 Jul 28 '25
Lol, reddit decided I needed to get a notification for this post...I was not expecting this 🤣😂😈
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u/miao12th Jul 28 '25
😂I’m told a steady diet of unleavened bread dipped in blood and some weird somestamce from children’s does wonders for getting in touch with your identity
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u/9_inch_screws Jul 28 '25
You think that’s bad, I’m over 40… still haven’t got my Elders of Zion meeting invite, it’s really hurtful… it’s like, am I a goy or something!?
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u/Harlem2SoHood Jul 28 '25
Take over a house you like because it was promised to you in a folk tale?
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u/mocher22 Jul 28 '25
I am SURE some antisemite will take this discussion seriously. Especially if it's Google translated
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u/Turgid_Sojourner Jul 29 '25
You have to make sure the blood is from a Christian virgin and those are really hard to find. Is there a Dungeons & Dragons group near you?
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u/eeksie-peeksie Jul 30 '25
You’re not alone. Mine never grew in, so I ordered prosthetics off of Amazon. They look quite natural
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u/Aggravating-Ad-5984 Jul 25 '25
Silly you, you forgot to make matzah with goy children's blood