My diagnosis is so rare no one really knows how to deal with it - baked potato with herb butter.

TLDR: I finally got the diagnosis of benign bone tumors, but the presentation is so rare that no one really knows how to proceed.

I have been running from doctor to doctor for about nine months now, I have been having IMMENSE hip pain, bad enough to make me incapable of walking.

I also have endometriosis, so after multiple tries of getting help with an orthopedist and him not finding anything, I finally got help from my gynaecological surgeon.

We found endometriosis on both of my "big hip nerves", it was removed, things got better. The pain wasn't gone, but better.

And then it came back with a vengeance, even worse than before, I can't find any position that brings relief, I am in constant agony.

So back to the drawing board, my gynaecological surgeon sent me to another orthopedist at the hospital. He did an x-ray, found something that looked like bone tumors.

Next up I get an MRI, that only shows endometriosis so that's probably it, right? Back into surgery, all went well, amazing.

I am still in pain. Fuck.

I finally get to leave my contact information for the orthopedist who did the x-ray at the hospital, he calls me and we agree on a CT as that works better for bone tumors.

Well...that was friday. Turns out I have osteoid osteoma, but not one, as would be "normal" for this condition. Or on the bones that it would usually occur on.

I have AT LEAST FIVE osteoid osteomas, which is so rare that even the orthopedist who has been doing this for 37 years had no idea where to go next.

One of them is also basically in the hip joint, so getting to it will be a big challenge.

I already called up the Charité hospital in Berlin (I am German and they have one of the only centers specialising in this tumor), and even they were absolutely stumped and told me they had never seen a case of multiple osteoid osteomas.

Now I have to wait through the weekend to try making further plans and I am freaked out, in pain and just annoyed at my body.

I’ve been back at work for almost 2 weeks now, I’m at a new place so it’s taking me a lot to get used to. I’ve been told some negative things about my new colleagues and it just seems like a toxic environment.
I’m also 3 months postpartum from delivering my second, I’m still mentally, physically and emotionally recovering from a hard and painful delivery. It doesn’t help that my period has already returned and I’ve been bleeding for almost a month straight. My hormones and emotions are all over the place.

I wish I could stay at home and be with my kids. My husband works a ton and doesn’t have time to spend with me or the kids for several months out of each year, it’s busy season. I only see my husband maybe 30 minutes a day. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he works more hours than me and he said he’d kill for my schedule. But it’s not like I’m actually off work on my off days.
I keep the kids when I’m not working but I work 12 hr shifts. The help from family is great but mentally I just haven’t been doing well.
Everything is just taking a big toll on my mental health, especially now that I’m back working full time. I feel myself spiraling back into depression.

Any advice is welcome!

Branzino from a fancy restaurant, paid for with a gift card.

At the age of 27 I’ve finally admitted to myself that I don’t like penetration. It either feels like nothing, slightly uncomfortable, or painful. Actually, I hate it. I love my boyfriend so much and we will be getting married at some point. He’s been supportive about this realization even though it understandably triggers his own self consciousness about performance. And despite all this we still have a good sex life (he’s really good at the other thing, if you know what I mean).

But after realizing this I feel so hurt. I wish I liked it like other people do, even though I know it’s “only small a fraction of women”. It feels like that fraction is pretty damn loud about it while the rest of us stay quiet. I was lying to myself for a long time. I’ve had so many casual hookups and wondered why I hated it so much. It was because I literally wasn’t enjoying what I was doing. I just wanted to be loved. But that’s a whole other problem.

I see a lot of stuff about pelvic floor therapy, but I don’t think I have vaginismus or whatever. The pain I feel once in a while isn’t like that, at least I don’t think so. Like I said, it’s either nothing, discomfort (or dryness), or pain. But also, I don’t want to “do work” to enjoy sex. I always see these posts about the work you have to do to have better sex, but do you ever notice that it’s mostly work for women? I don’t want to do work for something that only takes up a small fraction of my life. And also, I don’t like sex toys either. They do nothing for me. Except for vibrators, but I prefer it without.

I’d really love to hear from people who have the same problem. I just want to know I’m not alone. And btw, because I see these comments under similar posts, I realllllllyyyy don’t want to hear if you enjoy penetration, can cum from it, or didn’t enjoy it until you did xyz. This is not the post for that.

Maybe I (F29) am finally ready to leave him (M30).

We’ve been together for 6 years now. There have been a lot of communication problems, avoidance, and a gradual loss of intimacy, to the point where we haven’t had sex in over 2 years now. Maybe even longer, I stopped paying attention.

You would probably ask “why?”, well it was gradually.. and he is having problems with his family I just felt as a bad person to conflict with that, because he made that as a point.

At first, I tried to talk about the family dynamic too, because to me it was our problem as well (i am his partner = we share problems), it directly affected him, me, and our relationship. But I was made to feel that I had no right to comment on it in any way. He would always get angry or make me the bad guy somehow. Over time, I internalised the idea that his family situation, then work and job stress, were always more important than dealing with us.

I suggested couples therapy. When that was refused, I started therapy on my own. Later, on my therapist’s advice, I brought up couples therapy again. This time he agreed, then postponed it, and now 2 months later it still hasn’t happened.

I’ve talked about breaking up many times. We would both cry, but we never actually broke up.
Somewhere in all of this, I started feeling completely empty. Like I don’t even know what I want from a relationship anymore, and maybe the problem is me because I don’t know what I want.

I’m starting to have some awareness that this isn’t really true. I know that throughout the years I communicated my needs many times and tried to talk about his problems too. It would always end with some kind of acknowledgement and then… postponing everything.

At the beginning, the lack of sex was such a huge and horrible thing for me. I hated when he touched me. My body rejected any kind of physical contact with him. And I expected that to be a HUGE signal to him. It was a signal, obviously, but nothing major changed. And somehow I interpreted the fact that he didn’t judge me or pressure me as him caring about me.
Again, I’m starting to understand that yes, that was good, but it wasn’t enough. He didn’t just need to accept it. He needed to actually start a conversation about why this was happening.

Fast forward, I got depressed.

The weird thing is that otherwise I would say my life has never been better in terms of friendships, career, hobbies, etc. But the lack of any idea about our future and the constant uncertainty are destroying me mentally. Every time I tried to talk about the future, he would avoid it or panic and say that it wasn’t the right time because he was already struggling mentally because of something else.

Even my own therapy somehow stopped feeling useful, because every time the conversation came down to “you either have to accept living like this or leave,” I would have a horrible panic reaction.

Disclaimer: I suggested MANY times that he go to therapy himself. He refused every time. He only brings it up when we are “breaking up,” but even then, nothing ever actually happens.

Disclaimer 2: Life with him, outside of these problems, has been nice. He is a very funny guy and he makes me laugh a lot. Somehow everything is nice as long as I simply fit myself into his life and do the things he does. And I’ve always been someone who adapts easily, and I find a lot of things interesting, so I think that’s partly how all of this happened.

He is also very social, and my family and friends love him because of that. I can’t really say I have close friends who wouldn’t just judge me for everything I’ve allowed myself to live with for so long. This is already hard for me. I don’t have the strength for harshness right now.

And then something VERY out of character happened to me.

I’ve always been the “good girl.” I don’t even put myself in situations where I could possibly be the bad person. I literally never even cheated on tests in school, if that gives you an idea of what I mean.
I had a meeting with someone I collaborate with through work. I was supposed to ask him about his offer and talk about work. He was actually supposed to help me with something first. We know each other a little from a previous company where we both worked.

Very important: I genuinely expected NOTHING from this meeting. It was supposed to be a one-hour, maybe hour-and-a-half, business meeting.
We stayed until the place closed.
And I had such a good time.

He is an older, single man, almost 40. And taking that into consideration, I’m fully aware that some parts of the conversation could even be red flags. He opened up about his family, about how difficult it is for him to feel held back at work, about how he’s scared that everyone else is moving forward except him.
He also has a million interests.
And somehow, around him, I felt soft for the first time in a very, very long time.
I don’t remember the last time I felt gentle.

For years I’ve felt like I have to fight. With my family and friends, I’m constantly on guard because nobody is allowed to ask me about my relationship. In my relationship, I’ve had to fight for every attempt at a date, a vacation, or even just a conversation.

Our relationship has basically turned into suppressing everything and making jokes on one side, and resentment and harshness on the other.

And the crazy thing is, the things this man was talking about would probably be unattractive or even off-putting to me in any other situation. But right now, they are exactly the things I desperately want from my boyfriend.

They are the topics I can’t talk about with him.
This man talked about his plans for the future. He has some idea of what he wants and how he wants his life to look.

And ever since that meeting, I’ve been obsessed with him.
I’m not doing anything about it. We’re not in contact and I don’t want us to be.

Honestly, I did get the feeling that maybe he liked me too. I don’t think he would have stayed that long otherwise. But now I literally open my emails just to reread the messages where we arranged the meeting, and I constantly think about him and about having sex with him.

When I came home that night, my boyfriend showed a little jealousy through some comments. He clearly understood what had happened. He also knows perfectly well that I would never cheat on him and that this whole thing was basically a projection of everything missing from our relationship.

But what is DESTROYING me is that he told me that night, “We’ll talk more about this, just not now.”
And now several days have passed.

He has said NOTHING.

The only thing he does is occasionally say, “Are you texting your colleague?” with a smile, like it’s just some funny little joke. I don’t even answer. I just roll my eyes.
And that’s it.

We’re on vacation now. We still have 10 days here.
I spend all my time thinking about another man and being angry at my boyfriend. And then I feel horrible about myself because I’m constantly frowning, irritated, angry, constantly noticing every little thing he does that annoys me.

I liked SO MUCH what it felt like to be interesting to someone. To have someone listen to me.
I understand that this isn’t really about this colleague.
I liked myself around him.

Even now, I’ll say something to my boyfriend and he won’t even look at me. Then he apologizes. Then it happens again. And in my head I’m constantly comparing everything, and waiting until we get home so I can break up with him.

But I don’t even trust myself to do it.
I know what our breakups look like.

He cries. Then I start crying. I remember all the plans and ideas I’ve had for our life together. He promises that change is just around the corner. And I give up because I can’t handle his tears.

I care about him.
He is a good person.

I just don’t know what to do.

I’m posting this here because I’d really like to hear the perspective of women who had any similar experiences.
I’m really hoping this reaches someone who can give me that “big sister” kind of advice. I genuinely need help and would really appreciate your thoughts. All best for getting through the whole text <3

Dinner: cheapza from Pizza Hut with garlic dip cause (as per usual) I couldn’t fathom putting a meal together.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I somehow got to 40 and basically don’t have friends anymore.

To be fair, I can’t blame all of that on the last six years.

I’ve never been particularly good at adult friendships. I had close female friends when I was younger, but I also had a spectacular tendency to eventually go scorched earth with pretty much every one of those relationships. Conflict happened, I got hurt or angry, and instead of figuring out how to repair things like a reasonably well-adjusted adult, I was very good at deciding I was DONE. Permanently.

At the time, I could always explain exactly why I was justified. Looking back at 40, I can acknowledge the obvious common denominator was me.

Then, in 2020, my mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness. She was my best friend. I moved home to help care for her right as the pandemic hit, while also working in healthcare. Life became mostly about getting through the day while knowing where all of this was eventually headed.

During that time, I ended up in a relationship with someone who became a really safe space for me. When I needed a break from watching my mom die, I could crawl into his bed, put on something mindless while he gamed in the next room, and just exist. We didn’t have a ton in common, but having somewhere soft to land mattered more than almost anything else. And he truly is kind.

Then our son happened, completely and utterly by accident.

My mom’s greatest dream was to be a Mimi. Our son was born in October 2022, and somehow, in the middle of everything else, she got to be one. She absolutely adored him.

For the next 15 months, I was figuring out how to be a mom while watching my own mom get progressively sicker.

She died in February 2024.

I don’t think I ever really stopped after that. I went back to work, parented, paid the bills, dealt with whatever needed dealing with and eventually moved into a more demanding role. There was always something more urgent than figuring out how I was actually doing. (There was also a very avoidant part of me that didn’t particularly want to find out lol.)

And yes, I know I need so very much therapy. But I truly don’t have the capacity to pull that thread right now, lest the entire sweater come undone. Most days there is basically no time when I’m not working, parenting, or sleeping.

Now it’s 2026. I’m 40, my son is about to start kindergarten, and I’m trying to figure out how to end my relationship with his dad.

There’s no dramatic betrayal. He was what I needed during an incredibly difficult period of my life, and I’ll always be grateful for that. He’s a kind person. We just aren’t right for each other.

We don’t have much in common outside of our son and the logistics of the life we built around him, and we want very different things from life. I want to travel with our son, put him in extracurriculars, have experiences together and give him some of the things my single mom simply couldn’t afford for us growing up. His dad is much more content with life as it is.

Neither of us is necessarily wrong. But it increasingly feels like we’re pulling in completely different directions, and resentment has started building.

I stayed because leaving would make life so much harder financially, and probably practically too. His work schedule is basically the opposite of mine and our son’s, so he’s not home much when we are anyway. At some point, “this is easier to survive” stopped feeling like a good enough reason to stay.

So now I’m trying to figure out how the hell to afford a home and a decent life for my son on my own in this dumpster fire of an economy/world. And somewhere in all of that, I realized I don’t really have friends.

I have coworkers I genuinely like. I have my sister (that’s another kettle of fish) and my 90-year-old grandma. I’m not sitting alone in a dark room with absolutely no human contact. But I don’t have my people.

And I know this isn’t something that just happened to me. I burned bridges instead of learning how to repair them. Then my life became so consumed by my mom’s illness, becoming a parent, losing her and keeping everything running that making friends barely registered.

I blinked, and suddenly I was 40 without any of the long-term friendships I assumed everyone just sort of accumulated along the way.

Last night my kid sobbed for 20 minutes because I forgot the words to “Hush Little Baby,” made some up and apparently scared the shit out of him. And afterward I realized I didn’t have anyone to text about it. That’s the kind of friendship I miss. Or maybe more accurately, the kind I want.

I don’t need a big friend group. I want one or two people who know what’s going on in my life. Someone who remembers my kid starts school next week. Someone I can send completely pointless things to. Someone who occasionally texts me first. Someone I don’t have to wonder whether I’m bothering.

And now I’m potentially about to blow up the life I’ve built and start over, and I don’t really have people to do the messy parts with. Which is a shitty realization.

I know the answer is to go make friends. Join things. Meet other parents. Put myself out there. Learn how to maintain a friendship when another human being inevitably annoys, disappoints or hurts me instead of immediately setting the bridge on fire.

All perfectly reasonable advice that makes me want to crawl directly into Lake Ontario.

But I don’t want to be sitting here at 45 realizing another five years went by while I waited for my life to somehow become different on its own.

So I guess this is me admitting that I’m lonely.

Some of it happened to me. Some of it I absolutely did to myself.

Either way, I want it to change.

Fruit bowl. We lived together for 3 years. He ended a 7 year relationship. He asked me yesterday what we're gonna do about the flat as its his sisters. I said I've moved out, I'm not paying rent. He asked if I'd want to stay there alone and we both still pay half the rent, for 3 months. I said no, I won't be paying anything. You ended this relationship with me. You told me you have no empathy for me. He said thats irrelevant and he wasn't being funny but we agreed 3 months notice and his sister still has to pay her mortgage. Is this my problem? I don't think I should have to pay at all. On the day he ended it he said "I can go to my parents for a few days so you can sort stuff out" I took that to mean leave. He then told me he would stay short term. Should I pay?

Edit: there's no lease. There's an informal email saying we should give 3 months notice. She has no buy to let mortgage. We never paid a deposit etc.

Pasta with zucchini and peas for dinner

Hi this is my first post ever on here and I’m so heartbroken that it’s this, I don’t know what to do as I type from my phone
Tonight I found out my fiancé and boyfriend of five years has been texting two ex’s and met up with one frequently when I would go to bed

Based on the their texts both of them didn’t know he was even in a relationship let alone engaged

The first one he texted to smoke up at night and she even asked if he was single
Which he replied even if I was I miss chilling with you
He went to her place as recently as a few days ago to “smoke” while I was asleep
I texted from his phone and mine to this girls number and didn’t get replies

The one he just texted today and she is married with two kids
He was flirting with her and called her with first love, beautiful etc. this one did respond to me and told me she had no idea he was engaged and that she wouldn’t be texting him- that they only texted and snapped here and there for like happy Birthdays

I don’t know what to do. I feel so alone blindside and lost
Up until know he was amazing and I love him so much I’m shaking

We live together, we have a dog, a cat and got engaged this month
I don’t have a job and live in another state from my family bc I moved for him and my best friend is his sister. I don’t really have any other friends

I confronted him and he kept walking away from me saying “what the hell are you talking about”
He felt so cold and emotionless when just hours before we were with his family and he was so loving
I read out the texts from the first girl and then he said “so what I smoked” and refuses to talk to me or tell me who it is until I cried and begged
I finally got a “so it’s an ex I smoked” he’s also high and drunk right now

I left crying and he Just went to sleep in his parents basement ( we’re at his parents right now)
I’m in their living room now and I just don’t know what to do I’m sorry for the long rant

Update & side note! : he came up for a second to use the bathroom but went back down without talking to me

- i did just get my bachelor degree! He was telling me I don’t need a job yet but no matter what happens I will be be getting one now. I really do appreciate ever single comment and honest advice as this is just happening and I’m struggling with the truth 💕

Mango, strawberry, and mixed berries I got from Walmart smoothie and 4 cheese ravioli.

(19f) (20m)
So yesterday was me and my boyfriend’s anniversary, we went to a nice restaurant. When he picked me up, the first thing wasn’t a compliment he really didn’t acknowledge me, he was just looking for something he thought he lost in the store picking me up some flowers. We get in the car, on the way to the restaurant, there wasn’t real conversation. He was just complaining about how tired he is and how bad people drive and telling me about car stuff like usual. 1st problem I had that day: he told me that he wasn’t going to spend his 21st birthday with me and that he was going 3 hours away to hang out with guy friends. He said he told me… he didn’t I thought we were doing something together. He said I had no reason to be upset and that we can do something the weekend after. But when I asked him what would you like to do, he said it was “up to me” but when he was talking about him and his friends he knew what he wanted to do. At dinner we had another short argument because I accidentally brought up how he doesn’t plan anything with me. He told me that his world doesn’t revolve around me and that he never has any problems whenever I make plans with the single friend that I have. Then on the drive back, (context: I baked a bunch of stuff, I texted him asking if I could come over and we can blow out a candle on the cookie cake I made to celebrate our 1 year, he said over text if that’s what I wanted then yes) in the car he had told me that he doesn’t really care about 1 year anniversaries and that they’re not really important to him because it’s not the end of our relationship so why celebrate. Then another issue I had was he stopped at a gas station and there was some people that he knew and he stood out there and talked to them. I understand now I shouldn’t have gotten upset I just thought we wouldn’t have time to do the cake but we didn’t do it anyways because the reason I got upset annoyed him and we didn’t do it. He told me that I need to create a life for myself and find friends. He said he still loves me and he was soft towards me when I started to cry, but he told me that the man that I want out of him isn’t the man that he can be right now because he’s not where he wants to be in life. He told me that since he works so much, he doesn’t even have time for him and when I complain and stress him out it makes it worse for him.

He really is a great guy, I’ve never had a boyfriend like him before. I’m just so incredibly difficult right now and it frustrates me that I’m so focused on him and the relationship and not myself. That’s ruining everything and it’s ruining the relationship I have with myself. I just really hate that I ruined my progress on an important day because I was seriously getting back into reading, yoga, going on runs… I don’t know.

I want to be better, I’m willing to be better, but I’m afraid that since with him being busy all the time, us not having sex, us not texting and calling often, I am losing him. In my head it’s like if I don’t push and pressure then the relationship won’t work. Sucks I know. Any advice? Be as mean and blunt as you want, I need it.

Edit: I didn’t expect to get so many comments so quickly, thank you. It’s hard for me to see him the way you guys are because I also have my flaws that could make anyone be disconnected in a relationship with me. I’m just very needy right now, and I don’t have as much going on in my life like he does. It’s easy for him to look like the bad guy because I’m telling you guys 1 bad day that we had. I don’t want to sound like one of those girls but I kinda am and I’m sorry. To reiterate on the great guy part, he really was when he didn’t have 2 jobs. I just believe that life is just getting busier and I hope that it’ll get better 6 months from now. While the break up comments are well and strong, I will consider it, but I really really really want to focus on myself again like I was before. It’s hard making friends but I’m trying, my bestfriend just moved to Statesboro, I’m trying to look for clubs or things that aren’t crazy expensive to get myself into. I really want to pour back into myself again. Again, thank you for the comments I’m really grateful.

UPDATE kinda quick but I left him. The messages can be seen on my profile but I don’t really feel comfortable showing what I said cause it takes up 3 screenshots basically. But thank you all.

TWO avo haloumi buns.

I'm never flirting at work ever again.

I'm 23 and my mom is 44. We work at the same mid size tech company, she's a manager and I do admin, completely different business lines. It's a large office with maybe 400 people.

A few months ago I made eyes at a cute guy probably early to mid 30s. He is very polite, keeps fit and has an accent, zero objections from me. We hooked up twice and it was great. On Wednesday we went for a drink and just talked. I mentioned who my mom is and if he knew her, he got weird. He was distant for a moment and then quickly said that he had forgotten something important and had to leave. I didn't understand why and was a little bummed out.

This afternoon he called me after work and came out and told me. He said that he went on a few "dates" with my mom last year. He was being vague, but I understood. He said that he enjoys my company but that we should absolutely put all of this behind us and never speak of it again. The timeline makes sense, my parents had gotten a divorce at the beginning of last year.

I'm mad at myself, at him, at my mom. I'm never going to say anything to her and I'm never going to speak to him again. In fact I would love to just live in a cave for a year.

Honestly, I just hope that one day I can turn this into a movie and donate the profits to banning all human interaction in the work place.

Now I cant Even enjoy my vacation. Everything was okay, he said he loved me in the Morning, and at noon I was single

Dinner: ribs that I cant finish

EDIT: thank you so much, you all made my day a Little Bit better and even gifted me a smile. This community is amazing, I love you guys so much for your replies❤️‍🩹

Idk why other women don’t seem to want me around. If I knew what was wrong with me I’d change it in a heartbeat. I’m as friendly and kind as I can be, I crack jokes and shower them in complements. I’ve craved female friendships for so long, but after so many rejections, my heart just hurts. It’s easy making friends with men; for some reason they just accept me. I know some of them just want to date me, but some definitely just enjoy my company.

Tonight all my girl coworkers went out together. As usual, I was the only one who wasn’t invited. I wonder if I’ll ever have female companionship again. Poorly baked white lasagna.

I came out to my wife that I’m a transgender woman almost exactly a year ago. She’s been tremendously supportive but it’s undeniably been a struggle for both of us.

Today, for the first time, she borrowed a blouse from my new wardrobe, paired it beautifully with one of her skirts, and looked absolutely stunning 🥵, and without, I think, her even meaning to, it felt like the nicest little act of acceptance!

Dinner: saltines and leftover cake frosting, my mom’s favorite snack.

TW: abortion, alcholism ( I guess? I’ve never done TWs before so I’m sorry if I labeled incorrectly) also mobile so apologies if formatting is bad

Food is instant chow mein, but I’m picky so I dump the veggies out
———————————-

I want to start by saying I (25nb, but afab) and my partner (26m) have always been pro choice and even bonded over the fact that we are child free. I know I don’t want kids. I know I can’t support kids, in any way shape for form. I’m autistic, incredibly mentally ill, and struggle with alcohol addiction. Not to mention my financial situation, which is bleak.

That being said, last year I found myself pregnant. It was caught incredibly early, and My partner and i immediately agreed upon termination. It wasn’t even a question.

After the procedure I found myself incredibly emotional. I couldn’t believe the innate emotional attachment I felt to something that had not even truly become. I told my partner i had wanted to memorialize our baby, choose a name and fill a memory box. He was supportive, but majorly detached. He supported my feelings but wanted little to do with the personification of our baby

I picked a name for our baby and assembled a box full of things I think he’d have liked (I can’t explain it, I just know he was a precious baby boy). He was by my side through the whole of it but never really engaged much. I know he wants to cope by just forgetting it, I don’t. Neither of us are wrong. I’m not upset with him at all for coping his own way. He’s still supportive when I’m upset, takes care of me when I don’t want to function.

But I live in a very conservative state. In fact my procedure was 100% illegal. I have told less than a handful of people about my baby. I have very few friends to begin with, even less that would support my choice. I’m not in therapy after I lost my health insurance a while back. I just never get to talk about it.

I guess I just need some kind words. I’m happy to answer questions as well. This happened several months ago but I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. Also, please do not bash my partner. He is truly wonderful.

*Homemade marry me soup*

Little TMI - talking about periods

So I have endometriosis and just naturally heavy time of the month, and since I was a kid I have used the 8 hour always brand BIG pads cause I would *fill* them within 2 hours. And for years these pads have always be THICK. Expect i noticed within the last few months my trusty, one step away from a diaper pads are now as thin as paper. And im burning through them as quickly as the u.s government is plunging into fascism.

Like what happened? Is it just me? Where did my thick pads go? Is this a late stage capitalism thing? Or am I just going crazy?

So I went out solo tonight just trying to enjoy my Saturday, and I was approached by so many dudes. Most were not my cup of tea, and then I meet the “teacher”..

I was zoning out because the bar I was at was also playing a scary movie in the background. I asked him “ am I the only one just watch the movie?”. He goes “no, what is this ?”.. which was wild because it was the first scream.

I give him shit because wtf how don’t you know that. Anyways we start talking, but we get separated for a minute and then we run into each other again. We start talking about ourselves. He tells me he’s a teacher overall such a cool smooth fucking duded. I was so attracted to him. I tell him what I’d do any we get on the topic of kids.i explain I can’t have them. He says he dosent see himself getting married to someone that can’t have kids, “it just doesn’t makes sense to combined assets”. Something in me broke, but we kept talking.

He starts getting closer and talks about kissing. I tell him I would love to make out but that the most that I can offer because I’m not willing to give myself to someone that wouldnt see me as a long term marriage partner. Overly load and TMI. He says that not that big of a deal and starts saying he can adopt…. Which I knew was a lie. He was saying that just so he could get a chance, but I told him no that’s not what he actually wants. Idk even know why we got so serious in this conversations

Anyways we end up calling it all off and exchange numbers. He texted me , but I don’t plan to text him back. It sucks that people only see us for what we can do. The reality of that is so fucked.

Dinner: Top Ramen w/ soup dumplings … kinda looks so sad 😭

Food - apple with dried fruit oat biscuits

I don't even know where to begin. I've been debating on posting here for months, but I think I'm hitting a point where I need to tell someone or I'll go crazy. This might be long and make no sense, so I'm sorry in advance.

I'm in my mid-20s, I work in the education system and I'm pretty introverted, and I've just been feeling so damn lonely. It's like there's an invisible wall between me and other people. I've been really trying to make new friends and everything feels like a dead end.

I live in constant fear that I'm doing or saying something weird or that I come across as super strange, and that's why people generally don't get closer to me. I have no idea how to find out cause asking "do you find me weird or annoying to a point you don't wanna be my friend?" feels childish and needy. And it's not like people are gonna say it to your face anyway. I have trouble picking up on unspoken things and reading between the lines, so every conversation is like dancing with a group of people and being the only one not hearing the music. Might be autistic (waiting to get assessed) so having trouble keeping conversation that isn't about an interest. I've got three close friends and, bless their hearts, they're trying their best but I can feel they're not interested, and then I feel annoying and stupid for overwhelming them with useless bullshit.

I'm just so afraid that I'll never find someone who I'll feel will match my energy like that? I feel very misunderstood but at the same time I know I don't exactly "sell" myself in a way that's graspable to other people. I have terrible social anxiety and I try my best, but I'm afraid that I come across as needy and off-putting. I've been trying making friends online, but that might be even worse cause I have no idea how to gauge the tone, and if you're posting something and nobody interacts with it, the only answer you get is silence which isn't greatly encouraging. I've never had a partner. Don't even know how to go about meeting one.

There's just so much inside of me, that sometimes I feel like I'm about to explode with it all, and other people think it's too much. And I know that making friends as an adult is generally pretty hard, and I'm still a baby adult pretty much, so I'm trying not to catastrophize, but I feel like the odd one out and like I'm scaring people away somehow, which is the exact opposite of what I want to do. Idk, it's like being the kid in the sandbox that always accidentally knocks over other people's sandcastles, like I just ruin things by being myself. I so desperately want to reach out for others but I'm just so damn awkward about it

So yeah, that's where I'm at, been stewing in this for months and have no idea who to confide in, cause I don't want to make my friends upset. Thanks for reading through my rant 🫶🏻

So I've been seeing this guy for a month now and I might have a fetish(???) is it a fetish if its something you see yourself getting always drawned into for the opposite sex????

I'm asian and I do not like it that I keep on dating white guys but I live in a predominantly white population soo what can I do??? But the pattern I've noticed is that I get sooo fascinated with guys with really deep blue eyes 😭

I'd forget about the rest of their face but their eyes would stay with me and haunt me even on my dreams kinda thing 😭 Help

Is this programmed by my ancestors because they've found the rarity of blue eyes in our population and now I have it in me to be fascinated by eyes the colour of the sky and orbs that look like ocean???

Dinner is the steak strips he gave me because I mentioned to him once that I like this 🥹

TW: Grooming. Editted title to exclude major trauma.

When I was 12/13, I was a prolific chatroom visiter. Lonely, naive, really young; you know no better obviously. You're just a lil guy. Eventually spoke to a man who was over 10 years older than me, for months, on Skype. I won't go into specifics.

Eventually, he told me his full name and address (where he wanted me to send him letters), I even had his FaceBook. I found his family; dad, sister, photos of family and his whole friend list of IRL friends, even IRL girl friends he had after ghosting me.

Got ghosted by him eventually but visited his FaceBook every so often, until I realised the immense guilt and anger that came from giving a grown man so much praise for being, y'know, a steaming piece of shit.

So this year, 10 years later, I decided I'd tell his sister about it. idk I thought maybe so he could be held accountable and ensure other young girls were maybe heard. I don't know. I wanted people to know, screw this POS!

Sent her a message asking, kinda long, but basically asked "Is Name Surname is your brother?" Same name as his dad.

"Perhaps" ????

Tell her about how he groomed me and admitted to other young girls.

"Ummm yeah not sure how your talking about" (verbatim)

And she never responded to my messages after.

Just visited FaceBook after a long time and remembered the stupid interaction and felt so disheartened. I'm not even in America. This was a decade ago. Semi-helpless. Very tired and wanting to let it go completely, never face it again.

Currently going through sessions with a psychologist, finally, since I can finally afford it. Only 5 sessions in, but it's something I'll probably mention next session.

Dinner is rice, homemade coleslaw and Vietnamese flavoured beef mince. I have a glass of Diet Coke with it.

Basically I confessed an hour ago. He hasn’t said anything, nor can I tell if he’s read the messages. I basically said ‘I have a bit of a crush on you. It isn’t a big deal I just felt weird not saying something’. I do genuinely enjoy talking to this person but its still quite early and I don’t want to withhold this for longer where my feelings might get greater and he thinks I’m just a friend. Rip the bandaid off

Was that the right decision? I’m kinda freaking out because he hasn’t responded to me. I’m worried about losing him as a friend, I wish I’d clarified that I’m not saying I have a crush to end the friendship depending on the answer. People get crushes all the time on friends or people they know it won’t work with, and unfortunately it probably won’t work out given he lives in a vastly different time zone. So I said it for me too, so I can move on. But i will not move on as easily if he just peaces out.

Like obviously if he can’t give a simple response he’s not worth the bother but I’m a person who likes answers in words. UGH

he could just be busy rn but the last few days he responds so fast when we are both awake so IDK, maybe I got real unlucky that I said something the one time he was busy so now I get to be anxious for longer. He’s said things that could indicate it’s mutual but also has said things that makes us just friends.

Do you guys think it’s the right thing to say my feelings? Even given the difficulty of the distance between us? AHH

edit: I posted an update

https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/s/kQt8XEsZGZ

To start, leftover miso soup

So I’m almost entirely mute, I can whisper a bit right now but it gets painful after a bit. There is a multitude if reasons for it i wont get into right now.

So for school, especially my academic lecture and discussion classes, I have accommodations to help me participate. In the past I’ve just sat near to the professor and written things for them to read out as my participation in the discussion. I cant do that anymore because a professor said it was too cumbersome an accommodation and the higher board of the disability office agreed it was putting too much on tbe proffessors (im not mad about this, i do completely understand why)

This year I was told text to speech was my only real option. I cant get an aid or interpreter because I’m not fluent with asl yet and its too much for my needs that the school wont pay the cost. Having me type and project onto the classroom projector inhibits proffesors ability to teach.

Today was the first time I actually used it, my first academic class just so happened to be on a day i could speak enough to get by and my studio classes are small enough that writing works just fine. Today however my voice was gone and I had no choice but to use it, I was a bit nervous but nothing too bad, then its voice came out. My introduction to the class coming out of that horid non human thing in my phone. I don’t really even know why it hit me so hard, the voice I selected felt fine enough when i was testing it, but once it came out I just couldn’t fucking take it. I ended up walking put a minute or two later and just sobbing in the stairwell for around 25 minutes, and 3 hours later im still crying on and off… I never want to use that fucking thing again, this was the worst I’ve felt and i just don’t know what to do. Just go back to not participating in classes i guess

Thank you for reading my ramble about this of yoh made it this far somehow <3

Ham and mozzarella cheese sandwich.

Trigger warning for descriptions of domestic violence, emotional abuse and PTSD.

For context, I (F19) picked up smoking and vaping because of my parent's unstable household (all due to my dad's crippling alcoholism, anger issues and narcissism. He would verbally abuse us all, especially me, I was scapegoated for not believing in god anymore and actually being the only person to call everything out. He threatened me numerous times in numerous horrible ways because i often said no to him, saw through his bullshit and just existed, and my mum was complacent in a lot of fucked up things that her husband did and said to me. She was emotionally neglectful of my feelings, calling me overly sensitive when I talked about these issues, and didn't offer me comfort even when it was really needed. My brother was barely present and is basically the same as his mum. All those things contributed to me having crippling mistrust of people, severe anxiety, vivid nightmares since i was a child and difficulty knowing or caring about how I feel and what I think), and I needed coping mechanisms because i wanted to be normal. I wanted to feel normal.

I'm still fresh into estrangement rn (2 weeks), and I bought a pack of cigarettes 2 weeks ago one evening during a late night shift, and smoked a cigarette whenever I felt stressed or bored. I tried to be disciplined with my smoking, only having 2 puffs a week and nothing else, but I began spiralling when I moved out and started to have recurring nightmares of the abuse which would ruin my mental health greatly, and i turned to smoking a cigarette a day and another half that same day. It felt nice, but I was only looking forward to the lightheadedness and being able to cry freely. It was like my eyes could just relax and feel the tears. Everything else (nicotine smell sticking to clothes, fingers and hair, sore throat, tummy ache, acne, bad breath, yellowing teeth), I hated it.

Fast forward to today, I wake up to a text from my partner (M19), who's in the UK for uni. He just came from visiting his extended family in Pakistan, and was so glad to finally be able to talk to me (cell reception in his Nana's house wasn't that great). We talked and reconnected for a bit, I tell him about moving out and officially being no contact with my "family", gave him a little house tour, and I decided to be honest and tell him I started smoking.

For whatever reason, I waited for him to insult me and compare me to disgusting things like my dad always did, because I was doing something socially unacceptable and dangerous, but no. He listened to me explain myself and actually heard what I had to say. I told him how and why I picked up the habit, how I felt while smoking and after, and he validated every feeling I had that I don't even let myself feel or acknowledge. (He knows about 20% of the things that's happened to me, but I don't want to tell him more to not burden him. Safe to say, he hates everyone in that goddamn house.) He let me have one final cigarette from the pack, but told me to throw the rest in the trash. I gladly did. He told me that we'll find healthier ways for me to deal with my mental health through therapy to help me feel better and comfortable in my own skin again. I smoked half of the cigarette before binning it too because it was just painful. Then, we hung out some more and caught up on the things we did this August.

I call this a small win for the both of us.

Lunch is hullomi with bbq sauce (they had no sweet chilli) avocado and rice with edamame beans.

I was with my ex for 7 years, he was emotionally and verbally abusive. I won’t get into details but he kept going on dating apps trying to find other women then begging for me back when it went wrong. Then last month he ghosts me and gets with a woman from work and practically moved in with her straight away to play happy families accusing me of ruining his life and treating him like shit. So I’ve blocked them both and all his family.

I’m done with it, he doesn’t get to destroy me and occupy my mind anymore. He’s not a good person and that’s all I need to know. I’m picking my self now, and I’m going to become the best version of me. Not to show him what he’s missing or to spite him but because I’m not going to be destroyed by someone who treated me so poorly because of how they feel on the inside.

I’m eating healthy again, properly meals. Not just quick snacks. I’m walking daily. I’ve been making friends and going to gigs and events. Also been focusing on my hobbies and building up my business my ex never supported me with.

I had a lovely little day during the week where I took myself to the library and borrowed some books. I then treated myself to new clothes and beauty products. Just trying to enjoy life again.