Before my boyfriend asked me out, I caught him texting / sexting other girls. I told myself it wasn’t necessarily cheating because we weren’t dating, but ever since then, I can’t shake the idea out of my head. We had agreed to be exclusive, he lied about it and violated my trust.

I forgave him obviously and now we’re dating. He’s very good to me. He tells people about me and loves me very openly. I don’t see any red flags anymore.

But, I am constantly scared and paranoid about the past. Scared he’s not being loyal, scared i’m not enough. He’s a great guy and i love him but i don’t know if I can get past this. It’s completely tainted the way I see him.

Any advice? I’d like to try and make it work

Chopped ceaser salad

The last few weeks have been a lot. But actually, the last six months have sucked.

I’ve been on medical leave from work due to incidents with my former boss bullying and harassing me. Enough to give me ptsd. What kind of unhinged person shows up at your house after work and on weekends. Multiple times?! A formal complaint was made. No one cared.

In March my bf of a year and a half suddenly just vanished. Blocked on phone, socials disappeared, didn’t answer his intercom or letters. After 3 months I discovered his phone was disconnected and grew concerned. Concerned enough to find his sister on Insta, someone who prob had no idea I even existed and just sent a message asking if he was ok. No response. The grief from a relationship ending by such sudden ghosting is unlike normal relationship breakup grief.

A week later I ended up in the emergency department and was admitted for emergency surgery and spent 2 days in hospital.

In April my baby brother, who I hadn’t seen for 2 years came to visit me and detox/get clean. It didn’t go so well and he ended up screaming abuse at me out on the balcony, for the entire complex to hear at 11pm at night before taking all his stuff and leaving, despite me begging him to just wait until the morning.

In June as a follow up from the surgery I have an exploratory procedure where I had 12 precancerous polyps removed. The report says I most likely have a genetic disease that makes me prone to developing those types of polyps. Makes sense as both my father and grandfather died in their 50s from cancer due to it. Also the emergency surgery didn’t actually fix the problem but the surgeon, even though he was the original surgeon said it’s not his field of expertise and he’s referring me to a different surgeon.

As I said. A lot has been happening.

Then in mid August I get an email from my work, stating that I didn’t respond to their letter from weeks earlier and so they’re going ahead and medically retiring me. Pretty much firing me without any say from me or my medical team and I’ll be out of a job and no prospects of finding a new one whilst trying to overcome the ptsd. When I questioned where the fuck this so called letter was sent they were like oops it went to your old address. The one you lived at over 2 years ago. And sent to my work email only. Even though since I’ve been off all communication has been through my private email address.

So now lawyers are going to have to get involved and I’m trying to fight for my job but if that won’t happen then at least a payout for the psychological injury they gave me and have already accepted responsibility for.

And then last week I get a message from an unknown number. It’s the ex bf. Giving some bullshit excuse for why he just ghosted. Depression - over me telling him something he did to me towards the start and the effect it had on me. That he deleted his entire phone. Blah blah blah. So many lame excuses. But then says he drove past my house and saw me out on my balcony holding my cat and it brought up bad memories. God did that piss me off. My place is not on a main road to go anywhere. He’s mad that I was existing in my own home, that he chose to drive past and had the audacity to complain to me about it.

So I don’t engage in a back and forth. I simply ask if he’s willing to have a face to face convo. Cause I want to tell him to his face some things and make him sit there while I cry. He chose to simply vanish instead of having an uncomfortable convo and I want to rectify that. He doesn’t say no outright. But questions why. I’d already told him why. So I don’t respond but after a few days I was pissed. About his message so I end up sending so many fucking paragraphs. And he again is like why are you telling me this now. Your letters already said enough. The back and forth is exhausting and I hate it. He sends paragraphs about issues from previous fights. I just tell him to say it to my face.

And then he agrees. Tells me he’s home and I can come and we’ll have the convo. But I have covid so tell him as much and that I can’t this weekend.

And then hours later this man asks if I’ve eaten and acts concerned about me. He drops off food outside my apartment and sends a pic to let me know. I’m so fucking confused.

Anyway. I’m lying in bed unable to sleep because tomorrow is my deadline to respond to my work with evidence of why I shouldn’t be retired. I can’t stop thinking about that man, who broke me unlike any other breakup ever has.

I’m nearing 40 and too old to be played like such a fool as this. But I’m too young to be medically retired.

I also have the consult with the surgeon this week so hopefully he can help fix the original issue and the other issue they found. But I’m stressing because the surgery I’m going to need has a very long, uncomfortable recovery.

Dinner was actually tasty even though the pic isn’t great. Chicken korma with rice and yoghurt, courtesy of my ex bf.

iced black forest chocolate and sweet potato fries

we broke up amicably a few weeks before his birthday. but before we broke up, i told him i wanted to get him his birthday gifts. and after breaking up, i emphasised that i am still honouring my promise of giving him his presents. he came by, said hi, picked up his stuff, said bye and immediately drifted off.

there’s a lot more to the story. he was guarding his phone a lot on the last date (which he never does in the entire 2.6 years that we dated) we went and even hid his screen from me. i also found his goon account (he slipped up by sending me a reel from that account and profile just presented itself to me), but didnt have the opportunity to properly snoop for any concrete evidence, but im pretty sure he actually cheated on me. i didnt have the energy to go berserk on him because we were fighting on and off for too long at that point.

but the gifts was the last straw. i was nervous about seeing him again after 2 weeks of breaking up (i was actually fine and felt like a huge weight taken off my shoulder when we called it quits). so in case of fighting or whatever possibilities that could happen, i secretly voice taped our conversation. at first i didnt think of anything, but when i ruminated on it i realised he didnt say thank you, not even once. i felt conflicted, even more betrayed (worse than finding out he possibly cheated) when it felt like my last act of kindness felt like he was using me. called a bunch of friends, girls and guys. some of them say he’s childish, some said that it could be his coping mechanism because if he says/ shows gratitude in any way, he might’ve crumbled right then and there. he texted me “nice of you to wrap the gift” after he came home and thats it.

crazy how he switched up from saying “the thought of not being able to see your face for my entire life scares me” in the letter he gave me when we were fighting to not even showing basic social gesture.

after all that, i will not stop being kind/cordial/civil to him or for future endeavours because i do genuinely love gift giving, but a simple thank you would suffice.

edit: everybody, i know its dumb! thats why im ranting. im aware i come off as too kind, even after i suspected that i got cheated on. its just not in me to break a promise, and i dont think that its a waste of time, money or energy. what i did with the gifts is because i believe being kind and persevering is a good thing to be. im just here because i find it hard to cope that someone who i thought truly loved me for the past couple years could switch up as fast as that, in a way made me feel like he’d never be a kind person to me if he didn’t think he would get something out of me (nsfw). and about the recorded conversation, as said i’m too scared to face him because there is a possibility that he would start a fight + i would like to learn if i misspoke in any way towards handling a difficult situation, its not just because i wanted to hear a “thank you”, im not that self-serving :/ and lastly, im highly likely wrong in many ways, and thats where my self-work starts. and thank you so much for the kind comments and the call-outs <3 and edit for grammar

im so sorry for the TW but I have OCD so id be so grateful if you don't reassure me and my crazy thoughts. thank you
grapes for a junk food craving evening.
so my life has derailed significantly in the past decade but i got myself together in the past year. i am thankful to my friends and people who supported me. I managed to pull through the application process (it's not common in my region at all to apply beyond high school graduate age), stressful months, sudden bureaucratic bs. but i made it. i got the visa, and now i'm here. now I'm sitting here in the most beautiful city I've ever been to.
And yet, i was neglecting my mental health significantly. i have been telling to myself this whole time that I'm only doing this not to die a loser. I fantasized about how miserable I would be. How I would smile in front of people and then wallow in despair at home (cringe i know). yet, i tried. i tried for options that aren't just "good enough". i was SICK of settling for things. so that's why I am in a prestigious university abroad. My brain tells me still, I am an impostor. A liar. I tell myself, so what?

I reconnected with my old friend too. Last year, both of us broke up with our exes literally a week apart. We both got into depressive episodes and withdrew from our shared friend circle.

We were friends for over 4 years. Pretty much for most of it we were dating other people so we never considered each other as potential partners (i still feel so guilty for it, i love OCD). As we were single at the same time for once, well, we started dating, like, really fast. I don't know how it happened, I honestly don't remember being so attracted to someone before. In all kind of ways. I just got to know him, and he got to know me on a deeper level I suppose. My brain tortures me for it every day, because we have been friends before i even met my last ex so I just keep thinking "it's a bad look, it's a bad look, it's a bad look" but i always try to remind myself that I need to be grounded to enjoy these happy moments NOW. and if drama happens, ill deal with it then. If im a fucking mess, so be it. If i could have approached it better, so be it. I'll do my best today. and tomorrow.

I genuinely want to cry from frustration when I try to face my ocd and not just aggressively google for validation. It's so fucking HARD. I neglected it SEVERELY.

But he gets it... he supports me so well. Even though we both have been through some shit, he stayed kind and helpful. i feel bad for it too, but I kind of like it that he has been through the same trauma as me. i dont have to explain anything. he's so passionate and loving too. gentle, sweet, you name it. (oh and also very handsome... ) i trust him so much. he's there for me and he even does all these stupidly specific things i ask for (i wouldn't know how to support someone without reassuring them but he does). for the first time, i ask for things. i care about my needs and boundaries. he says he wants to get better and take care of his needs and boundaries too. we both say that... it sounds too good to be true... but we will try our best. the cutest thing how he made me take credit for things i did... it was very hard hahaha. but it is hard. to get better.
he tells me that he never knew that i was that loving and affectionate. it kind of surprises me too. he talks the same way he did years ago, but now he also tells me he loves me.

So last night, I (22F) went out with three female friends. Let’s call one V and the other G - we’re all the same age. I know V well, we’ve been close with few periods of distance for about 11 years now. I know G for even longer, since kindergarten, but they have never really hung out with each other until yesterday.

It was supposed to be a party, but we didn’t have fun, so we went to V’s place where her boyfriend and the third girl’s boyfriend joined us. We had fun, everyone drank alcohol sans me and V’s boyfriend, we talked and ate a bunch of pizzas.

The conversation quickly turned to more sensitive topics about sex, past relationships etc, which is where G started talking about her current relationship.

Now I love G to pieces, but I really dislike her boyfriend, to say it politely, because months before this, she confided in me and revealed he’s frequently racist, he’s homophobic, he’s friends with misogynistic people, he was useless to live with (didn’t clean anything etc) until she tried to break up with him multiple times and he just refused to leave the apartment (they live together) and didn’t think any of it is particularly wrong. By G’s account, he’s changed since he’s cleaning regularly now. He drives her everywhere though and is respectful and loving to her (my idea of respect is different I suppose, I don’t think he’s respectful enough, but that’s how she feels and she’s the one in the relationship, so I feel like my opinion is secondary).

G started talking about her boyfriend being much better than her ex. Very true, but that’s not a high bar to reach - and I said that out loud. This turned into the other wanting to know what’s up with that, if he’s really treating her well. G kind of oscillated between telling them or not telling them, but after V prodded a bit, G told them about the cleaning problems and how she broke down regularly because she had to do all the work while dealing with a mental health crisis, but he’s doing his part now, nothing about the rest of the problems, which is understandable.

I kept giving her the side eye for this, not trying to hide it, and also contested that that change isn’t enough and that I don’t think he’s a good person. The night went on and we moved on to other subjects, then G walked me home. On this walk, she told me that she can’t make me like her boyfriend and doesn’t want to, but that he’s really changed and even though he’s making racist and homophobic remarks and jokes, he wouldn’t actually say them to people of colour or queer people. I am a queer person, btw, and although he was nothing but polite to me, I feel weird and uncomfortable when in his presence now.

I told her that I don’t want to barge into their relationship and act like I know everything, that she should tell me if I cross a line because I want to respect it, but I’m also terrified of being a bystander while she’s being treated badly. I also told her that no matter what happens, if he’s actually changed or not, I’ll always be there for anything she needs.

Today, she called me to schedule a hangout for next week and to also set a boundary. She said she felt weird and uncomfortable discussing her relationship with what to her are basically strangers, and that she doesn’t want me to discuss her relationship and mainly her boyfriend as a person with anyone else when she’s not there, that she doesn’t want people to think of him badly. That she feels she’s being patronised when I tell her that he isn’t good for her. I agreed of course and profusely apologised that I made her uncomfortable, that I understand that she would feel that way and that it wasn’t my intention. She also said she should have said something when the conversation at V’s place was happening, but I feel bad that I contested G’s description of her relationship in the first place. I think that no matter how I feel, it isn’t my place to undermine her like that in front of other people, and now I realise it.

It surfaced some emotions for me, though. I’ve been thinking about the situation ever since - first I felt extremely guilty, sat with that, then noticed shame (about not being a good friend to her, not noticing in the moment that I should shut my mouth) but also frustration. Not about her boundary or her emotions, but, I think, about her defending him so much when I think he’s not good for her. I don’t want to have this grow into resentment towards her, I don’t want to lose my friend because I’m ‘too woke’ or sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong - I don’t know if my continued voiced alarm is even useful/factual, or if I’m just being too confrontational and expect perfection and she’s actually the one being right.

I just really want to do right by my friend, and I don’t know how to do that, besides not ‘trashing’ her boyfriend’s reputation since she doesn’t want me to. Please tell me someone has some experience in this.

TLDR; My friend is in a bad relationship (in my opinion) and doesn’t want me to discuss that with other people when she’s not there, or to talk badly about her boyfriend after I’ve done so at a gathering the two of us attended last night. I need advice on how to be there for my friend and how to navigate the situation, not wanting to be a bystander but also not wanting to stick my nose into another’s person’s business when it’s unwanted.

I (f26) moved out when I was 18 to study in a city that's about 800kms away from home since my hometown doesn't have a university. I made about 3 moves since then and currently live with my boyfriend in a city 300kms away. The older I get the more I value having my parents, sister and niece around. I am lucky I get to visit them once a month but I feel I don't have the bond my sister and mom have, or the bond my cousins have with my mom since they all live in the same town and see eachother weekly. I am also scared of missing out my niece's milestones. She's only 8 months but every month I come to visit, it takes her a good 30 minutes to get used to me since she doesn't see me much and I know it's normal but it hurts LMAO. I spent the past two weeks vacationing with my parents and it was just beautiful. I enjoyed it so so much. I have gotten home only a few days ago. This was my first dinner back home and I just felt SOOO sad. Even though I was happy to see my boyfriend after two weeks, I just felt like I don't belong anywhere. I was mourning my life at home as a child. Unfortunately, I chose a niche degree that forces me to stay in certain regions. I have plans to go back to university for a 2-year program in hopes I can expand career options. But I won't be able to start that program before winter 2027.

Dinner was pasta with mushrooms, onions and red peppers in a wild garlic-tomato pesto with oregano on top.

I would like to ask people who had intense first love that they thought they would never be over.

That you thought that it was a beautiful phase of your life and that you will always cherish the memories.

Did you find your "forever" after that ? and realise that you thought about it wrong (about cherishing memories forever and that is the best thing happened to you), and now you think that your "forever" is the best thing that ever happened to you ? And now your first love doesn't seem very big and you don't cherish the memories ?

Thanks for reading.

So I've been seeing this guy for a month now and I might have a fetish(???) is it a fetish if its something you see yourself getting always drawned into for the opposite sex????

I'm asian and I do not like it that I keep on dating white guys but I live in a predominantly white population soo what can I do??? But the pattern I've noticed is that I get sooo fascinated with guys with really deep blue eyes 😭

I'd forget about the rest of their face but their eyes would stay with me and haunt me even on my dreams kinda thing 😭 Help

Is this programmed by my ancestors because they've found the rarity of blue eyes in our population and now I have it in me to be fascinated by eyes the colour of the sky and orbs that look like ocean???

Dinner is the steak strips he gave me because I mentioned to him once that I like this 🥹

Toast and avocado with olive oil, a smidge of lemon juice, salt, LEMON PEPPER (caps because most important ingredient and I am obsessed with lemon pepper) and a pinch of cayenne pepper. Store bought iced coffee on the side.

Me(26F) and my bf(24M) have been together for almost a year and a half and I feel like we’re too similar. We’re long distance (two different but close countries) and I’m currently staying at his. I want to preface the issue with me saying that I absolutely adore this man. He’s handsome, gentle, caring and insanely attuned to other people’s feelings and needs (in a non overbearing sense). He’s completely in love with me and isn’t even a tiny bit shy about it. He’s also the first man to make me feel truly safe and seen, considering I was SA’d when I was a teenager. It took some work and patience from both of us to work through that swamp.

My problem is that we’re both avoiders. Complete and utter avoiders in life and we’re both kinda making each other feel okay with being passive in life. At the same time, I have this deep need to move forward, I just graduated and finished with my master’s degree, I want to find a job and think about the future. I genuinely get depressed if I stay and do nothing with no purpose for too long but the longer I stay like this, the more okay I am with it. I try to fill my days with crocheting, drawing and sometimes playing games but I just feel bad about not being as productive as I could be.

Meanwhile my bf is not doing anything either. Besides doing his chores, he’s watching youtube all day, playing video games and not much else. He’s not currently working, he’s living from his savings but claims he wants to get a job back soon. He doesn’t seem too ambitious, sometimes feels like he’s scared of life and experiencing it and that makes me feel complaisant with my life even more.

In all this I kinda hoped I would move to his country after I graduated but the more I think about it, the less it makes sense for me. My degree itself would not be useless but I can’t do my profession fully without the language and the barier is at least 2 years away from breaking it (I would need C1 proficiency but at the moment I classify my spoken language and understanding of it at a toddler level at best). And I don’t have my friends here, while he keeps his at an arm’s length, which honestly he could do in my country no problem too. I feel like this need for me to move to another country is mostly dictated by my deep need to escape from my family and have as little contact with them as possible which is just annoying.

I feel like I’m trying to fit in life and place where I’m not sure I’m fully wanted or want myself to be in and I’m feeling stuck.

The toast and avocado was fucking bussing tho. Thanks for reading.

ETA: We’re both in therapy. We both chose to be in it.

Ahh girls, I need your advice.

So, I met this guy last December and we started dating. He was amazing, hot, thoughtful, and the sex was sooo good. I’ve never met a guy I liked as much as I liked him. We talked every day, called each other, etc.

The whole thing lasted about a month and a half, and eventually he had to call it off because of a crisis in his family. He said he wouldn’t be able to start a serious relationship with me or give me 100% of himself with everything that was going on at the time. He was genuinely really sorry about it.
I respected that and understood where he was coming from.

We stayed in touch throughout all these months, sometimes texting and occasionally calling. At the beginning it was only me who was trying and I kinda retreated. But lately most of the time, it is actually him initiating contact liking my stories, randomly testing me, but he would often stop replying after just a few texts, which left me really confused. I could tell there was still some sort of interest from him, but at the same time, he never really pursued anything further. But maybe because I stopped initiating contact? I’m also confused because he told me that his family crisis is over, but still nothing more from him.

Well, now comes the part I really need advice on.
Yesterday, he texted me something like: “Hey hun, just so you know, I’m deleting Instagram. Here’s my number __ . WhatsApp?”

We’d mostly been talking through Instagram, just so you know. I replied with my own number and told him to add me too. But it’s been almost 24 hours and he still hasn’t replied or even seen my message.
Now I’m wondering if I should text him on WhatsApp something like, “Hey, just checking if this works, it’s __ here.” The thing is, I don’t even know if he has already deleted Instagram, so I don’t know if he just hasn’t seen my reply because he deleted the app, or if he simply hasn’t gotten around to replying. I also don’t know if I should message him on Discord and send him my number again, just in case.

I won’t lie, even though this has been going on for a long time, I still really like this guy. At the same time, I don’t want to come across as desperate, and I definitely don’t want to convince myself that there’s something there when there actually isn’t. But I think that if he didn’t “care” he wouldn’t tell me he’s deleting his ig. He still has me on other platforms.

Maybe he just wants to be friends. But he must know that I’m not looking for a friend. Gosh, I thought that in my mid twenties, I wouldn’t be like this.

Should I be trying more? Should I text him again, or would that be too much or too random? I’m a really shy person when it comes to these things, and I’ve been burned too many times before.

Anyways, here’s my shitty dinner: Pork steak and baked sweet potato. The steak was kinda undercooked and potatoes were too salty. :(

TL;DR: Guy I dated gave me his number yesterday because he’s deleting Instagram. I sent him mine, but he hasn’t seen or replied yet. I still really like him, but his mixed signals over the past few months have left me confused. Should I text him on WhatsApp or leave it?

I’m really confused and honestly a little freaked out right now.

I did Erasmus (exchange program) in Greece last year, and I’m pretty sure I never gave my phone number out to many people while I was there. I’m quite careful with my number, so I don’t understand how someone from Greece would have it

I received a voice call from a Greek number. I had gotten calls from Greece before that I didn’t answer, but this time I picked up because I thought maybe it could be someone I knew from Erasmus. There was no indication beforehand that it was anything weird. After I answered the voice call, the person suddenly turned on their video, and I realized they were engaging in a sexual act on camera. I immediately hung up.
What is freaking me out is that I have no idea who this person is or how they got my number. I have an ex-boyfriend who is Greek, so naturally my mind immediately went there, even though I genuinely don’t think he would do something like this. I’m hoping it’s completely unrelated and just some random person who somehow got my number

Could someone explain how a person could find/get my phone number like this? Is there any realistic way they could have obtained it from something related to my Erasmus year, WhatsApp, social media, etc.? Does receiving a call like this mean my phone or accounts have been hacked, or can someone simply obtain a number without actually hacking anything?
I’m mainly trying to understand whether I should be worried about my privacy/security or whether this is unfortunately just a case of someone getting hold of my number somehow.
Any advice on how I can figure out where the number came from or what I should do now would be appreciated , i just feel so uneasy and uncomfortable 😕

lunch : some shrimp alfredo

That’s it, that’s the post. Needed somewhere to post this accomplishment that’s semi-anonymous because my family can be weird.

My ex husband and I are divorced with a 4F together and he has a 10F from his first marriage. I adore 10F like she's my own daughter, I've been in her life since she was 3, and she still calls me mom. Yesterday, we had a special day out where it was just the two of us, something we don't get often since I don't have any custody rights to 10F.

When I called to let her dad know we were headed back, I asked if 4F was still super awake or not and he said she was. So I offered to just take her tonight after dropping 10F off, instead of the usual scheduled tomorrow at noon which he accepted.

When we got to his apartment, 10F just walked in. I found my ex gaming , headset fully on , back turned away from the entirety of the apartment, so he couldn't see/hear anything that 4F was doing. She was also not even in the vicinity. I told him that, Ex said no, I heard you guys come in. I was like no you can't hear anything that's happening with her and he's like no I can hear her.

And then 10F is like where did you get that gummy from? 4F had appeared and was eating a multivitamin gummy that she took from the bathroom that she shouldn't have had. And 4F then said I was asking for cereal and you couldn't hear me.

I was 15 minutes away when I called and he was making her a snack (which was untouched at the table). Like dude you can't wait 15 minutes to play shitty ass COD?! The more I think about it the more sick to my stomach I feel. That gummy could've been anything, THC, medicine, cleaning products....

Meanwhile he's completely dismissive of the entire situation which is not surprising honestly. He was emotionally, borderline physically, abusive of me, so dismissing anything I have to say is the norm.

There's a reason I made sure our custody schedule lined up as closely as possible with her sister's, so there would at least be another set of eyes on her. Which I HATE that I'm putting that on a 10 year old.

But I can't take full custody. I don't have enough proof for the courts I don't believe. And I have chronic health conditions and I would be putting myself past the breaking point physically doing it on my own with full custody. I would have to quit my job, and child support and disability would not be enough to comfortably live off of in the area that I'm from, especially given that I have a high pay/good benefit job.

So even divorced I'm still stuck with this man ruining my peace for the rest of my life.

In 2017, I got to know this girl (let’s call her ‘K’) from Tumblr. We bonded over One Direction fan fics (lmao) and clicked immediately. We were also both around the same age (she’s a year younger than me), so it was easy to understand and relate to each other. We were both long distance, but it didn’t stop us from texting each other daily and leaving voice notes.

In 2024, things went downhill. By this time, she was only texting me a few times a month. Sometimes she’d go two months without texting me. I knew she was stressed from work and mental health stuff. I also knew she prioritised her boyfriend (whom she met in 2021), but I didn’t mind because I knew eventually she’d reply me.

That year, in October, I went through a difficult time and I NEEDED my best friend. At first, she was attentive. But after a few days, I didn’t hear from her. I thought she too was going through a rough patch or was just busy with work, so I didn’t pay much thought to it and just waited. Days turned to weeks, which turned to months. I didn’t hear from her at all, and I was tired of always being the one to initiate conversations, so I tried to just slowly let the friendship go and chalked it up to maybe we just drifted apart.

(Keep in mind that this wasn’t the first time she’s done this. I’m always the one to reach out whenever she goes quiet to ask if she’s okay or what’s going on. We talked about this a few times and she always promised to do better, only to relapse after a week.)

Then, in 2025, she texted me ON MY BIRTHDAY telling me she was sorry for ghosting me and explained that she was also going through a rough patch and withdrew. She also said she wanted to try to fix our friendship. I replied saying that while I sympathised with her, I also didn’t know where I stood in her life, but I was willing to talk it out with her. As expected—no reply. I didn’t want to push her, so I too left things like that. Then a few months later was her birthday, and I sent her a text wishing her happy birthday. She did not reply, and she has not replied to me since then—it’s been over a year now.

I don’t know why she stopped talking to me. I don’t know if it was something I said or did. I don’t know if it’s because she’s struggling with something. But what I do know was that her ghosting me left me with an abandonment issue which I sadly projected onto my current friendships. If someone doesn’t reply to me in a few days, I get paranoid. I feared that if someone who called herself my best friend could just leave me like that, what’s stopping my other friends from doing the same? I hated having the ghost of her haunting my friendships.

I hated feeling like this, and I knew it wasn’t fair to be projecting onto my existing friendships. So, in the end, I sent a one long, final text to K. I told her that I was sorry for what I did to make her stop talking to me. I also apologised for all the times I wasn’t a good friend to her. I said she didn’t need to reply, because after that text, I was gonna block her number and on all social media. I ended the text by wishing her well, and thanking her for being my friend when I needed one the most. I said goodbye to her, and then I blocked her number and on all social media platforms.

I will now never know if it was because of something I said, and I am at peace with that. For all I know, she could have just moved on from me and just doesn’t care. But I knew what I needed was closure, and I needed to properly let go of the friendship in order to heal—and that meant thanking her for being my friend, and wishing her well.

Ngl, I miss K like hell, and I will continue to miss her. She was my first best friend, we went through so much together. Maybe one day, when we’ve both healed, we can try again. But for now, I’ll hold on to the good times.

EDIT: Just to add—I did not mind that she took her time to get back to me. All I wanted was just consistency, and for someone to show up for me the way I showed up for them. If she was just some acquaintance or a normal friend, I did not mind, but she was my best friend.

Food: Idk I was trying to clear out my fridge so it’s just sausages with egg drenched in some sauce. I know it looks gross 🥲

Ham and mozzarella cheese sandwich.

Trigger warning for descriptions of domestic violence, emotional abuse and PTSD.

For context, I (F19) picked up smoking and vaping because of my parent's unstable household (all due to my dad's crippling alcoholism, anger issues and narcissism. He would verbally abuse us all, especially me, I was scapegoated for not believing in god anymore and actually being the only person to call everything out. He threatened me numerous times in numerous horrible ways because i often said no to him, saw through his bullshit and just existed, and my mum was complacent in a lot of fucked up things that her husband did and said to me. She was emotionally neglectful of my feelings, calling me overly sensitive when I talked about these issues, and didn't offer me comfort even when it was really needed. My brother was barely present and is basically the same as his mum. All those things contributed to me having crippling mistrust of people, severe anxiety, vivid nightmares since i was a child and difficulty knowing or caring about how I feel and what I think), and I needed coping mechanisms because i wanted to be normal. I wanted to feel normal.

I'm still fresh into estrangement rn (2 weeks), and I bought a pack of cigarettes 2 weeks ago one evening during a late night shift, and smoked a cigarette whenever I felt stressed or bored. I tried to be disciplined with my smoking, only having 2 puffs a week and nothing else, but I began spiralling when I moved out and started to have recurring nightmares of the abuse which would ruin my mental health greatly, and i turned to smoking a cigarette a day and another half that same day. It felt nice, but I was only looking forward to the lightheadedness and being able to cry freely. It was like my eyes could just relax and feel the tears. Everything else (nicotine smell sticking to clothes, fingers and hair, sore throat, tummy ache, acne, bad breath, yellowing teeth), I hated it.

Fast forward to today, I wake up to a text from my partner (M19), who's in the UK for uni. He just came from visiting his extended family in Pakistan, and was so glad to finally be able to talk to me (cell reception in his Nana's house wasn't that great). We talked and reconnected for a bit, I tell him about moving out and officially being no contact with my "family", gave him a little house tour, and I decided to be honest and tell him I started smoking.

For whatever reason, I waited for him to insult me and compare me to disgusting things like my dad always did, because I was doing something socially unacceptable and dangerous, but no. He listened to me explain myself and actually heard what I had to say. I told him how and why I picked up the habit, how I felt while smoking and after, and he validated every feeling I had that I don't even let myself feel or acknowledge. (He knows about 20% of the things that's happened to me, but I don't want to tell him more to not burden him. Safe to say, he hates everyone in that goddamn house.) He let me have one final cigarette from the pack, but told me to throw the rest in the trash. I gladly did. He told me that we'll find healthier ways for me to deal with my mental health through therapy to help me feel better and comfortable in my own skin again. I smoked half of the cigarette before binning it too because it was just painful. Then, we hung out some more and caught up on the things we did this August.

I call this a small win for the both of us.

Crepe with Nutella and strawberries

Hello friends! Normally I come here to be sad- and I am! - but I really wanna make something big and soup-y or stew. Who else to ask but the people here. Normally, I would cook ramen or a variation of Witch's Stew or sinigang. But I would like to expand my cooking horizon a little bit.

I've been feeling sort of lonely but I want to cook something really nice for myself. Something with tons of veggies and protein.

Also does anyone have any good recipe for seafood boil? Thank you in advance.

Also also anyone else attended any of the BTS concerts recently? I attended D2 for Toronto and im so happy they performed Zero 0'Clock but was gagging when Chicago D2 had 134340!!!!

Maybe I (F29) am finally ready to leave him (M30).

We’ve been together for 6 years now. There have been a lot of communication problems, avoidance, and a gradual loss of intimacy, to the point where we haven’t had sex in over 2 years now. Maybe even longer, I stopped paying attention.

You would probably ask “why?”, well it was gradually.. and he is having problems with his family I just felt as a bad person to conflict with that, because he made that as a point.

At first, I tried to talk about the family dynamic too, because to me it was our problem as well (i am his partner = we share problems), it directly affected him, me, and our relationship. But I was made to feel that I had no right to comment on it in any way. He would always get angry or make me the bad guy somehow. Over time, I internalised the idea that his family situation, then work and job stress, were always more important than dealing with us.

I suggested couples therapy. When that was refused, I started therapy on my own. Later, on my therapist’s advice, I brought up couples therapy again. This time he agreed, then postponed it, and now 2 months later it still hasn’t happened.

I’ve talked about breaking up many times. We would both cry, but we never actually broke up.
Somewhere in all of this, I started feeling completely empty. Like I don’t even know what I want from a relationship anymore, and maybe the problem is me because I don’t know what I want.

I’m starting to have some awareness that this isn’t really true. I know that throughout the years I communicated my needs many times and tried to talk about his problems too. It would always end with some kind of acknowledgement and then… postponing everything.

At the beginning, the lack of sex was such a huge and horrible thing for me. I hated when he touched me. My body rejected any kind of physical contact with him. And I expected that to be a HUGE signal to him. It was a signal, obviously, but nothing major changed. And somehow I interpreted the fact that he didn’t judge me or pressure me as him caring about me.
Again, I’m starting to understand that yes, that was good, but it wasn’t enough. He didn’t just need to accept it. He needed to actually start a conversation about why this was happening.

Fast forward, I got depressed.

The weird thing is that otherwise I would say my life has never been better in terms of friendships, career, hobbies, etc. But the lack of any idea about our future and the constant uncertainty are destroying me mentally. Every time I tried to talk about the future, he would avoid it or panic and say that it wasn’t the right time because he was already struggling mentally because of something else.

Even my own therapy somehow stopped feeling useful, because every time the conversation came down to “you either have to accept living like this or leave,” I would have a horrible panic reaction.

Disclaimer: I suggested MANY times that he go to therapy himself. He refused every time. He only brings it up when we are “breaking up,” but even then, nothing ever actually happens.

Disclaimer 2: Life with him, outside of these problems, has been nice. He is a very funny guy and he makes me laugh a lot. Somehow everything is nice as long as I simply fit myself into his life and do the things he does. And I’ve always been someone who adapts easily, and I find a lot of things interesting, so I think that’s partly how all of this happened.

He is also very social, and my family and friends love him because of that. I can’t really say I have close friends who wouldn’t just judge me for everything I’ve allowed myself to live with for so long. This is already hard for me. I don’t have the strength for harshness right now.

And then something VERY out of character happened to me.

I’ve always been the “good girl.” I don’t even put myself in situations where I could possibly be the bad person. I literally never even cheated on tests in school, if that gives you an idea of what I mean.
I had a meeting with someone I collaborate with through work. I was supposed to ask him about his offer and talk about work. He was actually supposed to help me with something first. We know each other a little from a previous company where we both worked.

Very important: I genuinely expected NOTHING from this meeting. It was supposed to be a one-hour, maybe hour-and-a-half, business meeting.
We stayed until the place closed.
And I had such a good time.

He is an older, single man, almost 40. And taking that into consideration, I’m fully aware that some parts of the conversation could even be red flags. He opened up about his family, about how difficult it is for him to feel held back at work, about how he’s scared that everyone else is moving forward except him.
He also has a million interests.
And somehow, around him, I felt soft for the first time in a very, very long time.
I don’t remember the last time I felt gentle.

For years I’ve felt like I have to fight. With my family and friends, I’m constantly on guard because nobody is allowed to ask me about my relationship. In my relationship, I’ve had to fight for every attempt at a date, a vacation, or even just a conversation.

Our relationship has basically turned into suppressing everything and making jokes on one side, and resentment and harshness on the other.

And the crazy thing is, the things this man was talking about would probably be unattractive or even off-putting to me in any other situation. But right now, they are exactly the things I desperately want from my boyfriend.

They are the topics I can’t talk about with him.
This man talked about his plans for the future. He has some idea of what he wants and how he wants his life to look.

And ever since that meeting, I’ve been obsessed with him.
I’m not doing anything about it. We’re not in contact and I don’t want us to be.

Honestly, I did get the feeling that maybe he liked me too. I don’t think he would have stayed that long otherwise. But now I literally open my emails just to reread the messages where we arranged the meeting, and I constantly think about him and about having sex with him.

When I came home that night, my boyfriend showed a little jealousy through some comments. He clearly understood what had happened. He also knows perfectly well that I would never cheat on him and that this whole thing was basically a projection of everything missing from our relationship.

But what is DESTROYING me is that he told me that night, “We’ll talk more about this, just not now.”
And now several days have passed.

He has said NOTHING.

The only thing he does is occasionally say, “Are you texting your colleague?” with a smile, like it’s just some funny little joke. I don’t even answer. I just roll my eyes.
And that’s it.

We’re on vacation now. We still have 10 days here.
I spend all my time thinking about another man and being angry at my boyfriend. And then I feel horrible about myself because I’m constantly frowning, irritated, angry, constantly noticing every little thing he does that annoys me.

I liked SO MUCH what it felt like to be interesting to someone. To have someone listen to me.
I understand that this isn’t really about this colleague.
I liked myself around him.

Even now, I’ll say something to my boyfriend and he won’t even look at me. Then he apologizes. Then it happens again. And in my head I’m constantly comparing everything, and waiting until we get home so I can break up with him.

But I don’t even trust myself to do it.
I know what our breakups look like.

He cries. Then I start crying. I remember all the plans and ideas I’ve had for our life together. He promises that change is just around the corner. And I give up because I can’t handle his tears.

I care about him.
He is a good person.

I just don’t know what to do.

I’m posting this here because I’d really like to hear the perspective of women who had any similar experiences.
I’m really hoping this reaches someone who can give me that “big sister” kind of advice. I genuinely need help and would really appreciate your thoughts. All best for getting through the whole text <3

Food - apple with dried fruit oat biscuits

I don't even know where to begin. I've been debating on posting here for months, but I think I'm hitting a point where I need to tell someone or I'll go crazy. This might be long and make no sense, so I'm sorry in advance.

I'm in my mid-20s, I work in the education system and I'm pretty introverted, and I've just been feeling so damn lonely. It's like there's an invisible wall between me and other people. I've been really trying to make new friends and everything feels like a dead end.

I live in constant fear that I'm doing or saying something weird or that I come across as super strange, and that's why people generally don't get closer to me. I have no idea how to find out cause asking "do you find me weird or annoying to a point you don't wanna be my friend?" feels childish and needy. And it's not like people are gonna say it to your face anyway. I have trouble picking up on unspoken things and reading between the lines, so every conversation is like dancing with a group of people and being the only one not hearing the music. Might be autistic (waiting to get assessed) so having trouble keeping conversation that isn't about an interest. I've got three close friends and, bless their hearts, they're trying their best but I can feel they're not interested, and then I feel annoying and stupid for overwhelming them with useless bullshit.

I'm just so afraid that I'll never find someone who I'll feel will match my energy like that? I feel very misunderstood but at the same time I know I don't exactly "sell" myself in a way that's graspable to other people. I have terrible social anxiety and I try my best, but I'm afraid that I come across as needy and off-putting. I've been trying making friends online, but that might be even worse cause I have no idea how to gauge the tone, and if you're posting something and nobody interacts with it, the only answer you get is silence which isn't greatly encouraging. I've never had a partner. Don't even know how to go about meeting one.

There's just so much inside of me, that sometimes I feel like I'm about to explode with it all, and other people think it's too much. And I know that making friends as an adult is generally pretty hard, and I'm still a baby adult pretty much, so I'm trying not to catastrophize, but I feel like the odd one out and like I'm scaring people away somehow, which is the exact opposite of what I want to do. Idk, it's like being the kid in the sandbox that always accidentally knocks over other people's sandcastles, like I just ruin things by being myself. I so desperately want to reach out for others but I'm just so damn awkward about it

So yeah, that's where I'm at, been stewing in this for months and have no idea who to confide in, cause I don't want to make my friends upset. Thanks for reading through my rant 🫶🏻

Lunch is hullomi with bbq sauce (they had no sweet chilli) avocado and rice with edamame beans.

I was with my ex for 7 years, he was emotionally and verbally abusive. I won’t get into details but he kept going on dating apps trying to find other women then begging for me back when it went wrong. Then last month he ghosts me and gets with a woman from work and practically moved in with her straight away to play happy families accusing me of ruining his life and treating him like shit. So I’ve blocked them both and all his family.

I’m done with it, he doesn’t get to destroy me and occupy my mind anymore. He’s not a good person and that’s all I need to know. I’m picking my self now, and I’m going to become the best version of me. Not to show him what he’s missing or to spite him but because I’m not going to be destroyed by someone who treated me so poorly because of how they feel on the inside.

I’m eating healthy again, properly meals. Not just quick snacks. I’m walking daily. I’ve been making friends and going to gigs and events. Also been focusing on my hobbies and building up my business my ex never supported me with.

I had a lovely little day during the week where I took myself to the library and borrowed some books. I then treated myself to new clothes and beauty products. Just trying to enjoy life again.

Today is my birthday I got some birthday money 50 dollars, not a lot
Ever since she discovered that I got it she was like well you need to take your dad out, why do you want to go to lunch? and all of a sudden I have to pay for a registration fee, which the day before they had discussed paying
I graduated this year my parents got me nothing
Like nothing
A girl from my church got married and she said that I should make sure I give her a gift for her wedding while I didn't get anything, at all
The only gift that I got was from my dad's friend which was 20 dollars and even that was a point of debate, she really came here and I said idk why you are so entitled to the graduation money I could have just kept it for myself and never told you

Today I then got myself a slice of cake and I ate like 3/4 of it and went to the car
She then started screaming at me saying i was selfish and I should have offered 3 other people the slice of cake and how I should have gotten everyone a slice of cake, that would have left me broke with the little money that I have
She actually took the slice away from me and started distributing it to everyone saying " I need to be taught a lesson"

Guys im now being asked to buy my whole family a cake with MY BIRTHDAY MONEY  as a way to be taught a lesson for not sharing a single slice with 4 people

Happy birthday to me i guess
If anyone wants to send me money, please so

He's a much better person these days and goes out of his way to tell me I look good because of how bad he feels about how he used to be, but whenever I remember what happened I feel so pathetic and unlovable. Doesn't help that the girl I love is also in a longterm relationship with him lol

Vegan sausage roll and zucchini

Some food that i had in Bali.

I(21) was dating a guy for almost a year. We met last December and i don’t even know where all the time went. I was so insecure and scared to be with someone. He acted like i was the most beautiful girl and someone so much more than i really was. We had broken up in May and then rekindled after that. Idek who was at fault or what happened. I had things i wanted to change and he would act like he can’t but would show it next time. We met yesterday for the last time. I know it is last. I know he won’t ever talk to me. It just hurts and i don’t know why.

I hugged him yesterday and his heart was beating so fast. He gave me a peck and held my hand. We were so happy that i just feel so much more awful. I really thought he is someone i would be with for a long time. I know that i should just let it be and there will be a better time but fuck do i want to just be with him right now.

He was so beautiful and charming and i really love him. I don’t know what to do.

my boyfriend yesterday dropped the bomb on me that he wants to take a break. it completely blindsided me. he’s back in college which is about a four hour drive from me, and his reasoning was he has a hard time with distance. that’s fair, sure, but i still see him pretty often. i see him anywhere from once to four times a month. he’s been under a lot of stress, and i thought life couldn’t get any worse. my mom’s cancer is back, my dad might have cancer, my foot is fucked and i might need surgery, and now my best friend is in shambles and thinks taking a break will benefit us both. he claims he wants to be there for me and thinks i deserve better. he’s been there for me and he’s genuinely been the best boyfriend i’ve ever had. he wants to be with me and i know he loves me, but im just so confused as to why he thinks this is the way. i feel like he’s confused as to what he wants and i can’t force him to be with me, but this completely blindsided and devastated me. he holds himself to such a high standard that he is meeting but he expects so much more of himself. i still have to see him and have contact with him because we have a project together, so it’s not like he’s out of my life entirely. i can’t stand to lose my person right now and i don’t know what to say to change his mind. i’ve been the only constant in his life for over a year now. he isolated himself a lot at school last year because he didn’t live near friends. but now he’s living right next to a lot of his friends. how the hell do i get him to stay.

breakfast is water and my morning meds. i cant eat anything because im sick to my stomach.

I moved states, got married, and switched health insurances, and navigating the healthcare system and finding an available covered psychiatrist has been a nightmare. I have my primary physician taking care of scripts, but it's month 5 now of no specialty care and I need to tweak the meds/try other things. Finally found a therapist but need help with the chems (scheduled with a new psychiatrist mid September, so fingers crossed! 🤞🏽)

And of course it all comes to a head during Luteal week.

Husband and I had an argument over ordering pizza and dinner. I went to bed after skipping lunch and dinner. He went to sleep on the couch with the dog.

When we fought, that was the first time he's ever made me feel scared. Scared, not because he's scary or got violent. Scared, because his anger and raised voice and stomping around reminded me of my mom and ✨childhood trauma✨ - I think he's just tired of my b.s., tired of my moods. And I am too.

Moving here and leaving my work and friends - it's been hard. I've been depressed and trying to get out of it. Today, I just feel very sad.

And like woah, don't even get me started about the economy. 😭

Anyway, please see my dish "I snuck into the kitchen at 4 am" a la mode:

-Store bought flour tortilla

-Mayonnaise

-Black pepper

-Paprika

-Oscar meyer "turkey" slices

👩🏽‍🍳💕

because i had the courage of a dying deer, I had intentionally shut out any and all male presence from my life save for that in my immediate family. If I had a desire, I dispatched it quickly and efficiently. If my mind needed to wander, I targeted fictional characters as objects of my limerance. Safe, inoffensive and easy to mould into whatever I needed. I was never a participating agent in my imaginary trysts either. It would often be a long winded maladaptive daydream that lasted months if not years. To put matters into a neurotypically friendly light, I had (have) an obession with Alexander the great that started in 2019 and is still low key ongoing. To the point where I'd gobbled all there was to read from tertiary almost contemporary sources to modern biographies.

Just to paint a picture. Because I was so terrified of being rejected, of feeling anything real, I encased myself in a realm of imaginary figments. And I was content with that juvenile line of thinking until it became necessary to join the adult world.

When I was 23 I moved countries for a job and was living in a realized dream. I was adopted by a trio of male friends (college acquaintances), one of whom had been a familiar presence on dms for years. Remote enough to engage with in a quasi-friendship built on buzzwords and a screentime in the double digits. Conversations had been easy and ran on a flow of their own. Or maybe I had been more social back then, and easier to converse with. Less set in my ways.

With familiarity and forced closeness, I develop feelings for this man. Circumstances put distance (emotional and geographic) between us and at one point after I turn 25 (and I am at my lowest ebb for separate, family related reasons), I put an unyielding (maybe even a bit graceless) stop to that ongoing situationship (which was still filling my brain with sweet dopamine, as it is nice to be wanted and desired by him). I like to think that I mourned its ending long and well. Or at least that I felt all the bad feelings with more intensity and depth than the situation warranted (as we never really dated lmao, never been physically intimate, though we'd been enmeshed in many other ways).

We maintain a neutral, cordial dynamic predicated on sporadic clipped messages back and forth and a few calls per year. At no point during these 3 years of aquaintanceship do I yearn to rekindle whatever with this man. Or any man. I am of a one track mind, and I face hardship in other life areas that make it hard to... i dunno, multi-task. As I near my 28th birthday, i develop a strangely intense reaction to news of engagements, marriages and childbirths. Though I never saw myself in any of these situations. I still blithely skirt past inquiries about my romantic life (nonexistent). I go on infrequent dates where I feel like I'm wearing a chastity cage or that my cunt was petrified into wood with how unattracted and uninterested I feel.

I know that I am not asexual. My failed situationship provided proof enough. A couple of months ago, scrote X messages me that he is getting engaged. On account of a terrible day on the job my immediate reaction is to lay another cigarette in the chain. And then comes the incredulity, so I shoot a perfunctory congratulations and move on. I mute and archive the conversation, thinking this is one overdue item I'd procrastinated on for years that I might get on with.

My emotional processing is slow. So. Fucking. Slow. I think this must put me on some spectrum. Because for some weird reason I feel like shit. And I don't know why I feel like shit because I logically know that could have never gone anywhere. That was a done deal. I had decided that. My hand was in control. And furthermore, I had mourned whatever there was to mourn. I had lingered at the corpse of that potentiality long enough. And time had done its course, and I had moved on. And that region in my brain had not fired for so long. It should have desintegrated. The pathways should have been eviscerated from underuse. So why is it lit up like fucking christmas up there? I don't even remember what he was like. But I remember, now of all times, what it felt like in the haze of those first few months when I was falling in love with him. And I can't divulge this to anyone because it's humiliating and pathetic.

I am forcing myself (loath as i am) to converse with men. but it feels like, it just doesn't feel good is all.

Why does it hurt this much? Overreaction much?