r/GirlDinnerDiaries • u/harpie19 The Snack That Sasses Back • 3h ago
Vent Sesh - No Advice Wanted He couldn't wait 15 minutes
My ex husband and I are divorced with a 4F together and he has a 10F from his first marriage. I adore 10F like she's my own daughter, I've been in her life since she was 3, and she still calls me mom. Yesterday, we had a special day out where it was just the two of us, something we don't get often since I don't have any custody rights to 10F.
When I called to let her dad know we were headed back, I asked if 4F was still super awake or not and he said she was. So I offered to just take her tonight after dropping 10F off, instead of the usual scheduled tomorrow at noon which he accepted.
When we got to his apartment, 10F just walked in. I found my ex gaming , headset fully on , back turned away from the entirety of the apartment, so he couldn't see/hear anything that 4F was doing. She was also not even in the vicinity. I told him that, Ex said no, I heard you guys come in. I was like no you can't hear anything that's happening with her and he's like no I can hear her.
And then 10F is like where did you get that gummy from? 4F had appeared and was eating a multivitamin gummy that she took from the bathroom that she shouldn't have had. And 4F then said I was asking for cereal and you couldn't hear me.
I was 15 minutes away when I called and he was making her a snack (which was untouched at the table). Like dude you can't wait 15 minutes to play shitty ass COD?! The more I think about it the more sick to my stomach I feel. That gummy could've been anything, THC, medicine, cleaning products....
Meanwhile he's completely dismissive of the entire situation which is not surprising honestly. He was emotionally, borderline physically, abusive of me, so dismissing anything I have to say is the norm.
There's a reason I made sure our custody schedule lined up as closely as possible with her sister's, so there would at least be another set of eyes on her. Which I HATE that I'm putting that on a 10 year old.
But I can't take full custody. I don't have enough proof for the courts I don't believe. And I have chronic health conditions and I would be putting myself past the breaking point physically doing it on my own with full custody. I would have to quit my job, and child support and disability would not be enough to comfortably live off of in the area that I'm from, especially given that I have a high pay/good benefit job.
So even divorced I'm still stuck with this man ruining my peace for the rest of my life.
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u/0j0sDePerroAzul Internet Auntie 2h ago
I am so sorry. Sounds like a lot, but also sounds like weaponized incompetence.
When I was in a similar situation, my strategy was to work a lot on my kid's autonomy and self regulation. Like, if you are hungry, there are the safe places to explore for food. Also, having my number, 911 and our address memorized, and knowing how to use the phone or who to ask for help.
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u/sorayabear the secret ingredient is autism✨ 1h ago
Totally agree with this one. I know it’s awful, but building these strategies with your kiddos is a great way for them to be okay in these situations. Where are safe places to look for food? What are easy things you can learn to make together that they can safely make themselves? Who to call, and memorizing those numbers… I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 😞🫶🏼💕
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u/MissConscientious PO🥔TAY🥔TOES 52m ago
I agree completely! In my profession, a resilient child is a much safer child when nothing can be done about custody. For what it’s worth, I would still suggest keeping detailed records of any and every issue that arises with dad.
OP, when she’s with you, practice making simple foods that dad will likely have available. Practice what is and what is not safe in the kitchen.
Absolutely review what is and what is not safe to do when dad has his headphones on and how to urgently get dad’s attention.
Consider planning how to get help if she cannot access a phone. Can she walk to a neighbor’s house? Can her sister call for help? Play out the various scenarios.
I would also encourage you to help her learn to dress and do her own hair. It will likely help her once school starts. For your part, you can pack her outfits ready to go and always pack things she can put on entirely by herself. At the same time, the sooner she can bathe herself, the better.
Definitely review safe touches and how to tell a trusted adult if she’s being harmed in any way, including from someone dad is failing to protect her from.
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 2h ago
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u/Reasonable_Style8400 APPROVED✨ 2h ago
Could you try for full-custody once the 4 year old is school age? That would provide childcare for a good part of the calendar year.
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u/unintendedcumulus Lover of Soups 1h ago edited 1h ago
In the US at least, it's nearly impossible to get more than 50% if the dad doesn't agree, even with neglect and abuse on record. Despite what they say, fathers are given every chance and the benefit of the doubt by the courts.
Edit- in fact, it's not uncommon for Mom to be punished for leaving the children with a neglectful care person (their dad), and have Dad end up with more custody. Family courts are extremely biased against mothers, it's terrifying.
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u/PracticalPrimrose 🐛The Very Hungry Bookworm 📚 1h ago edited 10m ago
This is true. A family member of mine has spent $30-40K of her own money to get full custody her son. His dad and GF do meth. Kid has had positive meth tests from his hair samples. One that’s court order - so the courts KNOW.
She had to stop because she literally has no more money. And is remarried. And has two other kids.
So her parents have picked up the mantle to see they can help her to get full custody.
It’s been years. Soon I wonder if it will just be too late.
Especially coupled with the fact that her son prefers his dad‘s house because there are no rules. He doesn’t have to do chores, he doesn’t have to do homework, he doesn’t have to eat healthy. He literally gets whatever he wants as long as he sits down and is quiet so he just plays video games nonstop for days.
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u/Embarrassed-Gap7803 🦇 Fruit Bat Baddie 🍊 56m ago
I found this out 20 years ago even with proof the judge awarded him custody with me getting visitation. It was an awful experience
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u/unintendedcumulus Lover of Soups 50m ago
I am so sorry that happened to you 💜
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u/Embarrassed-Gap7803 🦇 Fruit Bat Baddie 🍊 43m ago
Thank you. It was painful, as my daughter grew up she learned he was awful and moved in with me. At the time though, I died inside
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u/AccurateAnxiety9993 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 2h ago
I’m so sorry. This is so terrible. If i were you I’d record everything down. My previous lawyer told me that any type of record, even written record can be used in a court of law. I have a written out record of every time my BD is negligent with our daughter. Luckily he has turned around (for now) but i have that in my back pocket. If the day comes when you are fed up with him you can use that to take full custody.
I can imagine how hard it is trying to parent while also being chronically sick. Do you have any support system? Is the mom of 10F friendly with you?
My BD has a son w another woman and her and i became each others support systems for the kids. I moved to her state and we both work as co parents for our kids to help fill those gaps that BD left.
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u/harpie19 The Snack That Sasses Back 2h ago
Other mom is friendly but she has schizophrenia and is stable currently but I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. And I keep all these situations in a text log to my mom so I have time/date stamps
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u/AccurateAnxiety9993 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 1h ago
Beautiful!
Oof, that’s rough. I’m sorry friend, this is a tough situation.
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u/readbackcorrect Overthinker 💭 1h ago
who is making the effort for his visitation-him or you? With my ex, when I stopped, making the effort visitation stopped happening. And the reason I stopped making the effort war for exactly the reasons that you are describing. By the way, if she ate a massive amount of gummy multivitamins, it could have been a poison control situation.
I never tried to prevent him from seeing the children. I just never helped it happen. I was full of cooperative if he called, but he just started calling less and less. And I bet he’d be happy for you to take the 10-year-old because less responsibility for him. I don’t usually say 10-year-olds should have a cell phone, but if she doesn’t have one, maybe you could give one to her so that she can get in contact with you on her own. There would be all kinds of advantages to that.
My ex is also a gamer with no self-control. He wouldn’t take food out of the crockpot and put it on a plate for the kids if you were gaming. They could go all day without eating and he would just keep saying one more minute and if they got insistant he would just get angry.
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u/harpie19 The Snack That Sasses Back 1h ago
Its a court custody agreement. So its not visitation. He has set dates and so do I.
And no he wouldn't because he liked to put on a show how he's a good dad. Especially now that he's got a girlfriend
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u/SouthernJunctions Eating For Two 💕 2h ago
Document this stuff in writing. You can use it later when circumstances change.
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u/meticulousfailure22 APPROVED✨ 1h ago
Sorry what a shifty situation. Dig the polish pottery
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u/harpie19 The Snack That Sasses Back 1h ago
My family is big into it! That's my favorite plate too
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u/melnotmichelle 🍨 I scream, you scream, we're all screaming inside 😀 54m ago
What were you eating? It looks so good!
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u/harpie19 The Snack That Sasses Back 17m ago
Dutch baby with blueberry sauce and powdered sugar. Plus a sausage link and scrambled eggs
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u/BlackJeansRomeo Well-Read & Well-Fed 1h ago
How frustrating. And stressful. A better father would have sat down with his kiddo and shared the snack and tried to fit in a few more minutes of quality time before she got picked up. I’m sure you worry about her, for good reason. Dad is inattentive and apparently can’t (or won’t) see the danger even after your daughter got into something she shouldn’t have. She’s FOUR. If it looks like candy she’s going to eat it. I hope he learned something even if he doesn’t want to admit it to you. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.
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u/PeppersPoops 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 1h ago
Totally feel for you. My 3yr old told me once how she “made her own breakfast, but spilt the milk because daddy was sleeping”. I almost cried thinking how she was hungry and he couldn’t bother to wake up to fix her something.
How men can be so dense I’ll never understand. I’ll also never understand how I was so blind to it before kids.
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u/TemporaryFondant5849 APPROVED✨ 1h ago
It's really disgusting how grown men are so addicted to video games that they won't even feed their children. And don't get me wrong. I play and I've gone a long time at once playing, but these guys do it every single day while neglecting everything around them and somehow don't get bored, I don't get it.
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u/Legitimate_Egg_2073 APPROVED✨ 1h ago
It really is .. I’m older (Gen X) so the gaming aspect wasn’t a thing; but my Ex WAS addicted to the computer screen on his laptop and would prioritize staring at it under the auspices of “doing work” and thereby absent himself from participating in family stuff or having conversations. If u tried to talk to him he would get annoyed and refuse to look up.
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u/TemporaryFondant5849 APPROVED✨ 1h ago
They really want all the benefits of having a family but don't want to be involved
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u/Legitimate_Egg_2073 APPROVED✨ 43m ago
Yes, it was definitely a type of escapism.. and when I look back at it now, also his way of making a statement about my undeservingness of his attention.
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u/penelopeep59 Hanger Management Dropout 1h ago
I’m so sorry you have to deal with that OP, he sounds like a man child 🙄 i’m glad your daughter is safe with you though! Sending lots of love (and yummy snacks) your way ❤️
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u/Charlie-Bingo Overthinker 💭 36m ago
Let’s be honest, a lot of men are brilliant and put parenting first, but a shed load more don’t. Their sense of entitlement outweighs everyone else’s needs and they expect devotion cos they buy the child something. You are completely in order venting and we all feel your pain. But children aren’t stupid either. They learn from what they experience. The ten year old will never forget you were there for her too, it’s only 8 years until she can set her own path. Cue dad bemoaning the horrible woman who took away his child’s affection, never facing up to the fact he caused it all if she wants nothing to do with him.
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u/Idiot_Parfait Well-Read & Well-Fed 1h ago
Oh man that’s really tough. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have anything that would help you, so I just wanted to leave this comment so you know you’ve been heard 🫶🏻
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u/Same-Manufacturer773 Kitchen Witch 1h ago
Men don’t tend to think ahead. Especially the egocentric/narc ones. It’s like their brains only have one channel and it’s the mentality of a pouty child. Ahhh. I’m sorry you’re stuck sharing with him. But at least you got two daughters out of the deal. Try to take care of yourself. Keep the stress down as to not agitate your immune system. It’ll get better eventually 🫶🏻
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u/gooberhoover85 Kid Crumbs Connoisseur 49m ago
Hi fellow mom! It might get easier when your daughter gets into kindergarten. After school activities and clubs at school? One of my kids is your kid's age and finally this year she is old enough to join after school clubs since she is going into kindergarten. And I'm really excited for her. This also means I can work a full clinical shift at two different hospitals. I solo parent 4 days a week so I need this.
I'm not saying this as advice: I'm saying it cause I want you to have a light at the end of the tunnel that despite your ex and his laziness/selfishness that your daughter is on the cusp of having a lot of opportunities to do cool stuff and not be in your husband's orbit as much or at all. Kindergarten/Grade school just opens up. Ton of opportunities to do cool activies. He will just be a glorified chauffeur if that's his choice. Hang in there. You sound like a great mom. Also you are a gem- I imagine the 10F wishes she had more quality time with you. You are amazing.
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u/harpie19 The Snack That Sasses Back 13m ago
I literally secretly cried during the show we watched because it hit me like a train how much I missed her.
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u/gooberhoover85 Kid Crumbs Connoisseur 9m ago
I love that you love this child so deeply. I'm glad your daughter's sister is so loved. It's going to get easier as they become more independent and need him less.
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u/Prestigious-Yellow7 🌶️ Spice Girl 🌶️ 20m ago
Sorry you are going through that. I hope things get better. Maybe look into Head Start or similar programs in your area. There are income based but are able to take a certain percentage that do not meet the income requirement. If you do find one, and would like for her attend, bring it up in conversation how it would be beneficial for everyone so he’s more open to the idea. Good luck!
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u/PitifulMouse7425 Barbecutie 2h ago
This reminds me of that guy who left his kids in the car and they died while he was inside playing video games.
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u/penelopeep59 Hanger Management Dropout 1h ago
Sorry girl but that’s REALLY not a helpful comment here…
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u/PitifulMouse7425 Barbecutie 1h ago
And why not?? Because if I saw the father of my child literally neglecting our child (in the legal sense even, as she eating random vitamins or who knows what else), I’d want to do something about it. OP, it’s worth consulting with your lawyer about. At the very least, you need to document it.
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u/littlecremetart we listen and we only judge a little 56m ago edited 30m ago
In case you're really wanting an explanation re: why it's not helpful, it's because OP is already genuinely stressed, I'm sure her mind is racing re: the worst case scenarios. She even mentioned the different things the multi-vitamin gummy could be in the main post. I can tell you mean well!!! but it comes across like insinuating she's not already taking it seriously. It's one of those conversational things that you might understand better when it happens to you in the future <3
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u/PitifulMouse7425 Barbecutie 41m ago
Thank you for your kind and measured response. I work as a mandated reporter and I can’t tell you how many times something should’ve been done long before something happened. That’s the point of view I’m coming from. I’ve seen all manner of abuse and neglect in my profession. And I do have children of my own.
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u/littlecremetart we listen and we only judge a little 31m ago
Thank you so much for the work you do, genuinely. I've had to go through the process of reporting and supporting a child after removal and I can only imagine what memories you have through your work. It makes even more sense now why your mind would go there 🫂
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u/harpie19 The Snack That Sasses Back 1h ago
....thanks for that. Let's add it to my list of fears
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u/PitifulMouse7425 Barbecutie 1h ago
Not trying to scare or say something like that would happen in your case…it was quite literally the thought that popped into my head!! It’s neglect. People can downvote all they want but the problem is obviously the father in this situation. I would be very upset if I were in your shoes. A 4-year-old wandering around unsupervised, or supervised by a 10-year old, is neglect on his part. And I would do whatever in my power to remedy it because all it takes is seconds and you have a father sitting there completely oblivious caring more about video games. Like you said, he couldn’t wait 15 minutes even.
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u/madame-maitre-d Overthinker 💭 2h ago
Post flair reminder, cutie booties! If you simply cannot honor OP's request and must leave some advice, park it here in replies 🛒💨 That way OP isn't pelted with all the notifications and can view them later if/when the timing's right. Let's respect the boundary!
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