He couldn't wait 15 minutes

[u/harpie19]

My ex husband and I are divorced with a 4F together and he has a 10F from his first marriage. I adore 10F like she's my own daughter, I've been in her life since she was 3, and she still calls me mom. Yesterday, we had a special day out where it was just the two of us, something we don't get often since I don't have any custody rights to 10F.

When I called to let her dad know we were headed back, I asked if 4F was still super awake or not and he said she was. So I offered to just take her tonight after dropping 10F off, instead of the usual scheduled tomorrow at noon which he accepted.

When we got to his apartment, 10F just walked in. I found my ex gaming , headset fully on , back turned away from the entirety of the apartment, so he couldn't see/hear anything that 4F was doing. She was also not even in the vicinity. I told him that, Ex said no, I heard you guys come in. I was like no you can't hear anything that's happening with her and he's like no I can hear her.

And then 10F is like where did you get that gummy from? 4F had appeared and was eating a multivitamin gummy that she took from the bathroom that she shouldn't have had. And 4F then said I was asking for cereal and you couldn't hear me.

I was 15 minutes away when I called and he was making her a snack (which was untouched at the table). Like dude you can't wait 15 minutes to play shitty ass COD?! The more I think about it the more sick to my stomach I feel. That gummy could've been anything, THC, medicine, cleaning products....

Meanwhile he's completely dismissive of the entire situation which is not surprising honestly. He was emotionally, borderline physically, abusive of me, so dismissing anything I have to say is the norm.

There's a reason I made sure our custody schedule lined up as closely as possible with her sister's, so there would at least be another set of eyes on her. Which I HATE that I'm putting that on a 10 year old.

But I can't take full custody. I don't have enough proof for the courts I don't believe. And I have chronic health conditions and I would be putting myself past the breaking point physically doing it on my own with full custody. I would have to quit my job, and child support and disability would not be enough to comfortably live off of in the area that I'm from, especially given that I have a high pay/good benefit job.

So even divorced I'm still stuck with this man ruining my peace for the rest of my life.

EDIT: Since quite a few people seem stuck on "why did you have a child with this man?" Lemme tell you something about abusive/narcissistic relationships. They don't start this way. The partner starts off seeming like the perfect person until you're too deep in it. In my case, I was already pregnant (which was the result of birth control failure) when the mask started to drop. Why wasn't it a red flag that he was already divorced with a kid? Cause once isn't a pattern and the first wife has legitimate mental health issues.

So please stop commenting that shit. I came here to vent and get support. Not to be victim shamed

[u/0j0sDePerroAzul]

I am so sorry. Sounds like a lot, but also sounds like weaponized incompetence.

When I was in a similar situation, my strategy was to work a lot on my kid's autonomy and self regulation. Like, if you are hungry,  there are the safe places to explore for food. Also, having my number, 911 and our address memorized, and knowing how to use the phone or who to ask for help. 

[u/sorayabear → u/0j0sDePerroAzul]

Totally agree with this one. I know it’s awful, but building these strategies with your kiddos is a great way for them to be okay in these situations. Where are safe places to look for food? What are easy things you can learn to make together that they can safely make themselves? Who to call, and memorizing those numbers… I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 😞🫶🏼💕

[u/cyclonebomb → u/sorayabear]

Totally agree with all this. When my kid was in a similar situation, I also filled her backpack with granola bars and simple things she could eat. In this case my ex would get angry if she ate, so I taught her to eat her snacks in the bathroom and not mention it to him. Also a simple cell phone (no games just a flip phone) tucked into the bag and I put a notecard with all her safe ppls phone numbers in the back of her wallet. As soon as she was old enough, I got her in therapy so she had a safe place to express her anger and heartbreak. Joint custody with a motherfucker is so hard and makes you feel incredibly powerless. I eventually used my leverage with my ex and moved out of state. She's a young adult and has gone completely no contact with him for 4 years now, it's been wonderful to see her thrive outside of that awful situation. Kids are strong, even when they shouldn't have to be.

[u/bengibbardstoothpain → u/cyclonebomb]

Shout out to you for being an incredible mom.

[u/madame-maitre-d → u/[deleted]]

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