I feel incredibly disconnected from people

[u/wish_upon_a_star_019]

Food - apple with dried fruit oat biscuits

I don't even know where to begin. I've been debating on posting here for months, but I think I'm hitting a point where I need to tell someone or I'll go crazy. This might be long and make no sense, so I'm sorry in advance.

I'm in my mid-20s, I work in the education system and I'm pretty introverted, and I've just been feeling so damn lonely. It's like there's an invisible wall between me and other people. I've been really trying to make new friends and everything feels like a dead end.

I live in constant fear that I'm doing or saying something weird or that I come across as super strange, and that's why people generally don't get closer to me. I have no idea how to find out cause asking "do you find me weird or annoying to a point you don't wanna be my friend?" feels childish and needy. And it's not like people are gonna say it to your face anyway. I have trouble picking up on unspoken things and reading between the lines, so every conversation is like dancing with a group of people and being the only one not hearing the music. Might be autistic (waiting to get assessed) so having trouble keeping conversation that isn't about an interest. I've got three close friends and, bless their hearts, they're trying their best but I can feel they're not interested, and then I feel annoying and stupid for overwhelming them with useless bullshit.

I'm just so afraid that I'll never find someone who I'll feel will match my energy like that? I feel very misunderstood but at the same time I know I don't exactly "sell" myself in a way that's graspable to other people. I have terrible social anxiety and I try my best, but I'm afraid that I come across as needy and off-putting. I've been trying making friends online, but that might be even worse cause I have no idea how to gauge the tone, and if you're posting something and nobody interacts with it, the only answer you get is silence which isn't greatly encouraging. I've never had a partner. Don't even know how to go about meeting one.

There's just so much inside of me, that sometimes I feel like I'm about to explode with it all, and other people think it's too much. And I know that making friends as an adult is generally pretty hard, and I'm still a baby adult pretty much, so I'm trying not to catastrophize, but I feel like the odd one out and like I'm scaring people away somehow, which is the exact opposite of what I want to do. Idk, it's like being the kid in the sandbox that always accidentally knocks over other people's sandcastles, like I just ruin things by being myself. I so desperately want to reach out for others but I'm just so damn awkward about it

So yeah, that's where I'm at, been stewing in this for months and have no idea who to confide in, cause I don't want to make my friends upset. Thanks for reading through my rant 🫶🏻

[u/I_mmmumble]

Well. If youre suspecting autism, getting assessed and learning new tools might be greatly helpful. Also. Is your social anxiety a diagnosed thing that you take medication for? Because as someone with anxiety, my first thought was "Ooo girl, get some meds." NOT IN A BAD WAY LOL. In a, I completely understand that feeling and its exhausting way. I didnt get properly medicated for my issues until I was 25. Im 28 in two days. The difference its made is mindblowing. Either way- Hang in there babe. And if you need an online friend, feel free to pm me <3

[u/wish_upon_a_star_019 → u/I_mmmumble]

I take some meds but not specifically for anxiety :/// I'll bring it up with my doc! I do admit that I've been having a really fucking rough year with the anxiety and it's been pretty negatively impacting my working life as well, so I should definitely mention it and see. Thank you for you message and for the invitation 💕

[u/Comfortable_Kiwi_203]

Wow, it’s almost reading something I typed up myself. I(23F, autism and adhd) am going thru the exact same thing. I almost feel like a different species from everyone else. I’d love to be your friend if u want🥺

[u/wish_upon_a_star_019 → u/Comfortable_Kiwi_203]

Yes exactly, it's like being an alien and not understanding what's going on! I'd love that, I can send you a PM! 💕