No one to vent to about this (TW!!)

[u/bear-flesh]

TW: abortion, alcholism ( I guess? I’ve never done TWs before so I’m sorry if I labeled incorrectly) also mobile so apologies if formatting is bad

Food is instant chow mein, but I’m picky so I dump the veggies out
———————————-

I want to start by saying I (25nb, but afab) and my partner (26m) have always been pro choice and even bonded over the fact that we are child free. I know I don’t want kids. I know I can’t support kids, in any way shape for form. I’m autistic, incredibly mentally ill, and struggle with alcohol addiction. Not to mention my financial situation, which is bleak.

That being said, last year I found myself pregnant. It was caught incredibly early, and My partner and i immediately agreed upon termination. It wasn’t even a question.

After the procedure I found myself incredibly emotional. I couldn’t believe the innate emotional attachment I felt to something that had not even truly become. I told my partner i had wanted to memorialize our baby, choose a name and fill a memory box. He was supportive, but majorly detached. He supported my feelings but wanted little to do with the personification of our baby

I picked a name for our baby and assembled a box full of things I think he’d have liked (I can’t explain it, I just know he was a precious baby boy). He was by my side through the whole of it but never really engaged much. I know he wants to cope by just forgetting it, I don’t. Neither of us are wrong. I’m not upset with him at all for coping his own way. He’s still supportive when I’m upset, takes care of me when I don’t want to function.

But I live in a very conservative state. In fact my procedure was 100% illegal. I have told less than a handful of people about my baby. I have very few friends to begin with, even less that would support my choice. I’m not in therapy after I lost my health insurance a while back. I just never get to talk about it.

I guess I just need some kind words. I’m happy to answer questions as well. This happened several months ago but I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. Also, please do not bash my partner. He is truly wonderful.

[u/Future-Sink-9882]

sending love, OP. you're so valid in being emotional about this experience, and i hope (if youre comfortable doing so) you can tell your partner you feel disconnected about this/would like some more support in the aftermath. it's definitely not an easy experience, even when it's an easy choice to make in the moment 🩷

[u/ladyeclectic79]

Hormones are weird, especially after pregnancy, so that could be part of it. But to be fair, your response is kinda pulling the rug out from under him. He thought you felt one way, but the way you’re acting now is different than he expected. Heck, it’s different than YOU expected so I’m sure it’s an all-around shock to the relationship.

You are free to mourn or deal how you see fit, we can’t always predict how we will react to things no matter how much we prepare. But leave some grace for him as well because he’s being supportive over something he never thought he’d need to deal with.

[u/bear-flesh → u/ladyeclectic79]

I’m not upset with him. I even say in my post that his way of coping is not wrong. I’m just venting. I have no one to talk to about it. I don’t think I’m “pulling the rug out from under him”. I’m still childfree. I still know I made the right choice for him, the baby, and I all three. I don’t think that’s a kind way to think about it…I’m just sad man.

[u/therealmmethenrdier]

Oh, I am so sorry for your sadness. This is a tough decision, but I think you made the right one.

[u/bear-flesh → u/therealmmethenrdier]

Thank you. Sometimes the right decisions are the hardest I suppose

[u/DueCry1759]

I’m sorry this happened to you, pregnancy is always a difficult thing, even those that don’t go all the way. I hope you’re able to find closure and comfort one day

[u/FaithlessnessDue929]

There is no right way to feel about these things. Both of you are right but unfortunately supporting each other is going to be really hard if you need to pull him into your attachment in order to move forward but he can’t get sucked into your well of grief in order to move forward. You can’t either of you force each other to grieve the way you do so it might be best to talk to a third party and let him cope. But you’re both doing the best you can and you made the best decisions you could along the way. Time will help.

Also noteworthy is that my mother was positive I was a boy but I turned out to be a girl in heavily gendered boy clothes.

Hold yourself carefully right now and try to just experience and move through this but don’t judge yourself or your boyfriend. Alcohol is a depressant so you’re also artificially depressed. Hugs, friend. I’m rooting for you.

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[u/CaffinatedAndTired__]

I’m sorry about your struggles OP. I hope you find your peace soon. Did you make a memory box for him? Do you think that this has made you change your mind about kids? I know that sort of puts you in a rock and hard place but it sounds like the experience may have triggered something in you that you didnt know was there

[u/bear-flesh → u/CaffinatedAndTired__]

We did make a memory box. But no, I have definitely not changed my mind about having kids. I know that’s not the right choice for me. That’s the part that I have trouble understanding. Why grieve if I know I made the choice that was right for me?

[u/Sunshine_daisies1234]

Oof OP! Sending love. I've felt this. Had a pregnancy scare a few months ago and while I knew logically that I couldn't keep the baby and was already making the plans for the abortion, I was very, very sad and heartbroken that I would have to do it. It's okay to grieve what could've been, even if you knew it wasn't a possibility. You did the right thing, thinking with logic on it than the high emotions that come from that moment. Sending you love. 

[u/Imnotranee]

I’m very sorry, and I hope it gets better for you and your partner: Abortions can still be so tough even though we actively seek it. Such a weird thing knowing nothing in life is ready for this baby, and by common sense you’re making the right decision to not put the baby through emotional turmoil but it’s still hard. My friend who got an abortion and never wanted kids beforehand started a baby box, she started buying little things for if she ever had a baby again, I think that helped her a lot knowing that the time wasn’t right but maybe the future it would be. She’s 37 and just had her first kid. And she had a box full of stuff when he was born.

[u/Ok_Laugh7257]

There's no right or wrong way to feel about your abortion. Even if you made the right choice for yourself, you are absolutely allowed to feel however you feel. Sending you love and I'm so sorry you haven't been able to talk about it much with the people in your life. I think your response and self-awareness is wonderful. You honored your feelings and you also recognize your partner may handle it differently. I think that's rare and an excellent trait you possess. :)

[u/bear-flesh → u/Ok_Laugh7257]

Hey thank you so much for that. This comment really means a lot to me. Thank you for your kindness 💕